I'm a mess, but I am not completely clueless. I have picked on someone nonstop for a long time and doomed you all to have to read it. I know what its like to be picked on. I do not apologize for my feelings towards that person. I do apologize for involving the rest of you to have to read it...even when it was in innocent threads and here I come...ready to bash and insult and be obnoxious. I have my reasons for that. But to make you guys uncomfortable having to witness it....people I have posted alongside with for so long, who came to my assistance in a major need, who were there for support when I lost Dennis...I have treated you in a manner you did not and do not deserve. I am so sorry for that. It will not ever happen again. This I promise you.
I am still struggling. I am borderline harming myself. I guess I needed an outlet for my anger that our golden years never happened, that he died so damn fast and left me alone, my hatred for myself that I could not save him, dealing with the loss and emptiness and the constant screaming in my head of WHY??? and just needing to vent it out and take it out on someone, something, anything. I am ashamed I have no control, that I am so weak when I am usually so strong, and that I pushed many of you away because of MY actions regardless of my reasons I focused on that one person all that nastiness I feel for life in general. I am hoping this latest situation I placed myself in, intentions misconstrued by someone I cared alot for as a fellow poster who has given advice when I needed it...will help me "get over" what is wrong with me in dealing with my current situation of being so sad, angry, bitter and lonely.
I sincerely apologize. USMB is my home board. I want it to stay that way, but I also want to be wanted, have the support still with me, and know I will not be avoided or ashamed of for my lack of control.
To those who have with been with me all thru this...I thank you. And I am so very sorry I made you uncomfortable. I plan to take a wee vacation from here but I am not leaving permanently. I need to heed my doctors advice that I visited last week. He said I need to maybe go to church and meet new people, that I am harming myself not with a gun or pills or driving off a cliff. He said I am harming myself mentally by smoking more, doing things I normally wouldn't do, not trying to live my normal life, escaping in sleep, becoming a hermit and hoping God will have mercy on me and bringing me home to Dennis, my dad and my beloved dogs that are all waiting for me because it is not my time, and I am fooling myself thinking that is NOT suicide..it is just natural causes when it is NOT natural. When he said that...it hit home. But it did not hit home about me focusing on one person I dislike and involving others in that dislike. That epiphany came to me here, in a thread I had no business getting involved in.
I have so much to learn to do now without saying "hey Dennis...I'm having issues online. How do I deal with it?" and getting a fair, honest, recommendation on what to do about it. I have my solution. Ignore, which is what I should have done long ago. Instead, I dragged you all in to it just by posting what I post and you doomed to read it.
Again, I am so sorry. Y'all help me more than you will ever know. You keep me sane. And, you are all I really have to go to when its really bad. I hope I still can..without you shuddering or pulling away.
I'll be back when I think I can be the Gracie you all know without the bad stuff coming with me.
Gracie
I am still struggling. I am borderline harming myself. I guess I needed an outlet for my anger that our golden years never happened, that he died so damn fast and left me alone, my hatred for myself that I could not save him, dealing with the loss and emptiness and the constant screaming in my head of WHY??? and just needing to vent it out and take it out on someone, something, anything. I am ashamed I have no control, that I am so weak when I am usually so strong, and that I pushed many of you away because of MY actions regardless of my reasons I focused on that one person all that nastiness I feel for life in general. I am hoping this latest situation I placed myself in, intentions misconstrued by someone I cared alot for as a fellow poster who has given advice when I needed it...will help me "get over" what is wrong with me in dealing with my current situation of being so sad, angry, bitter and lonely.
I sincerely apologize. USMB is my home board. I want it to stay that way, but I also want to be wanted, have the support still with me, and know I will not be avoided or ashamed of for my lack of control.
To those who have with been with me all thru this...I thank you. And I am so very sorry I made you uncomfortable. I plan to take a wee vacation from here but I am not leaving permanently. I need to heed my doctors advice that I visited last week. He said I need to maybe go to church and meet new people, that I am harming myself not with a gun or pills or driving off a cliff. He said I am harming myself mentally by smoking more, doing things I normally wouldn't do, not trying to live my normal life, escaping in sleep, becoming a hermit and hoping God will have mercy on me and bringing me home to Dennis, my dad and my beloved dogs that are all waiting for me because it is not my time, and I am fooling myself thinking that is NOT suicide..it is just natural causes when it is NOT natural. When he said that...it hit home. But it did not hit home about me focusing on one person I dislike and involving others in that dislike. That epiphany came to me here, in a thread I had no business getting involved in.
I have so much to learn to do now without saying "hey Dennis...I'm having issues online. How do I deal with it?" and getting a fair, honest, recommendation on what to do about it. I have my solution. Ignore, which is what I should have done long ago. Instead, I dragged you all in to it just by posting what I post and you doomed to read it.
Again, I am so sorry. Y'all help me more than you will ever know. You keep me sane. And, you are all I really have to go to when its really bad. I hope I still can..without you shuddering or pulling away.
I'll be back when I think I can be the Gracie you all know without the bad stuff coming with me.
Gracie