i am scared

[strollingbones]

that is a statement i have not made much in my life. i am a rowdy loud mouth who can hold her own in a bar room brawl or anything else. i was happy friday to start the tests on my mother....to finally gets some answers...now i am totally fucking freaking out....i have been this way for about a month...since i went home to see her and she locked me out..she forgot i was there...they are talking about if the results are bad i will have to file for a guardianship etc...i got no clue what any of this is...and when i tried to look on line all i found were horror stories...

now since i am not a person who is fearful or normally scared...i am reacting so badly....i am about ready to drive everyone who is trying to care for me away...i dont like being needy ....it goes against my grain....so i am trying to pretend i dont need anyone....and shutting them out...i find myself either screaming or crying...no in between. i would estimate i am crying more than 4 to 5 hours a day...then sleeping...

in a nutshell...i am falling apart....when my father died...i had to be strong...i am an only child...no one else to help..i made all the arrangements...etc...didnt shed a tear...i had to be strong for my mother...

so now what? is this "normal" will it stop...i see no light at the end of the tunnel....not even the fucking train...just an overwelming feeling of hopelessness ...

there i have said it...and guess what....it didnt help..i hope it would...if i admitted to being scared i might be able to deal with it...and stop being angry....but it doesnt help...being scared...i think that is my quandry...scared...i have been thru some shit...but never scared like this.

 

[dilloduck]

that is a statement i have not made much in my life. i am a rowdy loud mouth who can hold her own in a bar room brawl or anything else. i was happy friday to start the tests on my mother....to finally gets some answers...now i am totally fucking freaking out....i have been this way for about a month...since i went home to see her and she locked me out..she forgot i was there...they are talking about if the results are bad i will have to file for a guardianship etc...i got no clue what any of this is...and when i tried to look on line all i found were horror stories...

now since i am not a person who is fearful or normally scared...i am reacting so badly....i am about ready to drive everyone who is trying to care for me away...i dont like being needy ....it goes against my grain....so i am trying to pretend i dont need anyone....and shutting them out...i find myself either screaming or crying...no in between. i would estimate i am crying more than 4 to 5 hours a day...then sleeping...

in a nutshell...i am falling apart....when my father died...i had to be strong...i am an only child...no one else to help..i made all the arrangements...etc...didnt shed a tear...i had to be strong for my mother...

so now what? is this "normal" will it stop...i see no light at the end of the tunnel....not even the fucking train...just an overwelming feeling of hopelessness ...

there i have said it...and guess what....it didnt help..i hope it would...if i admitted to being scared i might be able to deal with it...and stop being angry....but it doesnt help...being scared...i think that is my quandry...scared...i have been thru some shit...but never scared like this.

I read this twice and I'm still not sure what you are afraid of but I'm pretty certain that asking for help was one of the hardest things you've ever done. It doesn't make you a pussy ya know.

 

[Article 15]

that is a statement i have not made much in my life. i am a rowdy loud mouth who can hold her own in a bar room brawl or anything else. i was happy friday to start the tests on my mother....to finally gets some answers...now i am totally fucking freaking out....i have been this way for about a month...since i went home to see her and she locked me out..she forgot i was there...they are talking about if the results are bad i will have to file for a guardianship etc...i got no clue what any of this is...and when i tried to look on line all i found were horror stories...

now since i am not a person who is fearful or normally scared...i am reacting so badly....i am about ready to drive everyone who is trying to care for me away...i dont like being needy ....it goes against my grain....so i am trying to pretend i dont need anyone....and shutting them out...i find myself either screaming or crying...no in between. i would estimate i am crying more than 4 to 5 hours a day...then sleeping...

in a nutshell...i am falling apart....when my father died...i had to be strong...i am an only child...no one else to help..i made all the arrangements...etc...didnt shed a tear...i had to be strong for my mother...

so now what? is this "normal" will it stop...i see no light at the end of the tunnel....not even the fucking train...just an overwelming feeling of hopelessness ...

there i have said it...and guess what....it didnt help..i hope it would...if i admitted to being scared i might be able to deal with it...and stop being angry....but it doesnt help...being scared...i think that is my quandry...scared...i have been thru some shit...but never scared like this.

I read this twice and I'm still not sure what you are afraid of but I'm pretty certain that asking for help was one of the hardest things you've ever done. It doesn't make you a pussy ya know.

It sounds like her Mom is dying, Dillo.

Bones, I don't know what to tell ya other than I'll be sending happy thoughts your way.

 

[Old Rocks]

I really don't know what to say to help you. If you have a close freind that has a level head, you need to talk to that freind now. This is not a situation to try to handle alone.

There are associations for people that are going through the situation that you are facing. If you live in a big enough town for there to be a local branch, get hold of them and see how they can help you.

Most of all, get somebody to talk to, someone with a shoulder to cry on. In this type of situation, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it is a matter of mental survival. You have all my sympathy, and I hope this does not become totaly overwhelming for you.

 

[eots]

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.



Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.



Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

 

[dilloduck]

that is a statement i have not made much in my life. i am a rowdy loud mouth who can hold her own in a bar room brawl or anything else. i was happy friday to start the tests on my mother....to finally gets some answers...now i am totally fucking freaking out....i have been this way for about a month...since i went home to see her and she locked me out..she forgot i was there...they are talking about if the results are bad i will have to file for a guardianship etc...i got no clue what any of this is...and when i tried to look on line all i found were horror stories...

now since i am not a person who is fearful or normally scared...i am reacting so badly....i am about ready to drive everyone who is trying to care for me away...i dont like being needy ....it goes against my grain....so i am trying to pretend i dont need anyone....and shutting them out...i find myself either screaming or crying...no in between. i would estimate i am crying more than 4 to 5 hours a day...then sleeping...

in a nutshell...i am falling apart....when my father died...i had to be strong...i am an only child...no one else to help..i made all the arrangements...etc...didnt shed a tear...i had to be strong for my mother...

so now what? is this "normal" will it stop...i see no light at the end of the tunnel....not even the fucking train...just an overwelming feeling of hopelessness ...

there i have said it...and guess what....it didnt help..i hope it would...if i admitted to being scared i might be able to deal with it...and stop being angry....but it doesnt help...being scared...i think that is my quandry...scared...i have been thru some shit...but never scared like this.

I read this twice and I'm still not sure what you are afraid of but I'm pretty certain that asking for help was one of the hardest things you've ever done. It doesn't make you a pussy ya know.

It sounds like her Mom is dying, Dillo.

Bones, I don't know what to tell ya other than I'll be sending happy thoughts your way.

That's certainly a possiblity. Maybe she will be willing to elaborate with someone, eventually.

 

[Old Rocks]

It sounds like something more devastating to me, like Alzheimers.

 

[Annie]

that is a statement i have not made much in my life. i am a rowdy loud mouth who can hold her own in a bar room brawl or anything else. i was happy friday to start the tests on my mother....to finally gets some answers...now i am totally fucking freaking out....i have been this way for about a month...since i went home to see her and she locked me out..she forgot i was there...they are talking about if the results are bad i will have to file for a guardianship etc...i got no clue what any of this is...and when i tried to look on line all i found were horror stories...

now since i am not a person who is fearful or normally scared...i am reacting so badly....i am about ready to drive everyone who is trying to care for me away...i dont like being needy ....it goes against my grain....so i am trying to pretend i dont need anyone....and shutting them out...i find myself either screaming or crying...no in between. i would estimate i am crying more than 4 to 5 hours a day...then sleeping...

in a nutshell...i am falling apart....when my father died...i had to be strong...i am an only child...no one else to help..i made all the arrangements...etc...didnt shed a tear...i had to be strong for my mother...

so now what? is this "normal" will it stop...i see no light at the end of the tunnel....not even the fucking train...just an overwelming feeling of hopelessness ...

there i have said it...and guess what....it didnt help..i hope it would...if i admitted to being scared i might be able to deal with it...and stop being angry....but it doesnt help...being scared...i think that is my quandry...scared...i have been thru some shit...but never scared like this.

I read this twice and I'm still not sure what you are afraid of but I'm pretty certain that asking for help was one of the hardest things you've ever done. It doesn't make you a pussy ya know.

It sounds like her Mom is dying, Dillo.

Bones, I don't know what to tell ya other than I'll be sending happy thoughts your way.

Bones, what April 15 said. I lost my mom in '04, then my dad in '07. Did all I could for them, but couldn't come close to what the did for me or my kids. It's very hard. If you need a shoulder, I'm here.

 

[RodISHI]

that is a statement i have not made much in my life. i am a rowdy loud mouth who can hold her own in a bar room brawl or anything else. i was happy friday to start the tests on my mother....to finally gets some answers...now i am totally fucking freaking out....i have been this way for about a month...since i went home to see her and she locked me out..she forgot i was there...they are talking about if the results are bad i will have to file for a guardianship etc...i got no clue what any of this is...and when i tried to look on line all i found were horror stories...

now since i am not a person who is fearful or normally scared...i am reacting so badly....i am about ready to drive everyone who is trying to care for me away...i dont like being needy ....it goes against my grain....so i am trying to pretend i dont need anyone....and shutting them out...i find myself either screaming or crying...no in between. i would estimate i am crying more than 4 to 5 hours a day...then sleeping...

in a nutshell...i am falling apart....when my father died...i had to be strong...i am an only child...no one else to help..i made all the arrangements...etc...didnt shed a tear...i had to be strong for my mother...

so now what? is this "normal" will it stop...i see no light at the end of the tunnel....not even the fucking train...just an overwelming feeling of hopelessness ...

there i have said it...and guess what....it didnt help..i hope it would...if i admitted to being scared i might be able to deal with it...and stop being angry....but it doesnt help...being scared...i think that is my quandry...scared...i have been thru some shit...but never scared like this.

It is a pretty normal feeling when you have no control over a situation when someone you love is hurting, sick, infirmed or dying.

I'm fairly you will get through this. Emotional trauma is tougher to get through than physical trauma many times. Your not alone in that.

When you find yourself losing it get someone to chat with about it. It will help.

Find local help you can trust to help you find out what you will need to do for mom.

If you need an ear, I'm available. Not worth much but I can listen.

 

[strollingbones]

my mom has dementia...not sure what kind..that is what we are hoping to accesss...she is very good at hiding it...sticking to a routine....never saying much more than she has too...she is not a stupid woman...she knows her mind is failing...one of my mom's biggest fears is a nursing home...when i was 14 she made me swear i would never put her in one...mom had issues about that even then...

i know what the tests will show...that she can no longer live alone...i will have to take her independance...her ability to drive...etc..i will have to move her closer to me...she cant stand 4 hours away...

i keep hoping that if they remove her from the statens...her memory might improve...

for all practical purposes i have lost "my mom" already...i see glimpse of her humor still...when i am trying to deal with something with her...and i say..."you really do live in the moment" she still gets it..

this sounds horrible...but her best friend forever....is in poor health...her last friend left...i was hoping that she could stay down where she lives till her friend passes...my father is buried there too...it will be hard for her to move away...

at this point my plan.....what little plan i have...is to wait on the results...its just i cant stop thinking and feeling guilty...i feel like i should be living with her...not here....but with her....taking care of her...but she wont have that...i have ask for a power of attorney a limited one....that little old lady has a foul mouth...she said "fuck no"...i have a living will and a power of attorney is she becomes incaptiated...
i forget what its all called...

thanks for listening yall....

i am not one to really be this personal on a board....but right now most of the people i know in reality are so pissed at me...with good reason...face it who wants to be around someone who goes from totally ranting to sobbing like there is no tomorrow...plus i havent told but one of my best friends what is going on.....my social friends just think i have decided to be the biggest bitch on earth.

i did tell a couple of customers....kinda hard not too when y ou cant wait on them for the sobbing...and they are being kind...

i think my husband is catching the worst of it...i am taking a lot of it out on him...my being unhappy is driving him crazy and then he gets angry too...fuck given my past history i will drive him away....and be alone. i dont mind alone. but i do mind losing a man who truly loves and accepts me...cause i am in crisis. you can only ask so much understanding of one person...i cant give 50% right now...i just cant...i told him that....he is trying but its hard on him...basically the stress is effecting everything i do...or dont do....i cant even go into my glass studio..which i need to do...it does keep you from thinking...creativity...is good for the soul...

thanks for the pray eots...thanks all of you for listening....

and yes duckie ...i know i can call on you to listen....you always have and i guess you always will no matter how mouthy i get

 

[Cecilie1200]

Okay, I'm going to tell you what I told my mom when she made the decision to put my dad in a nursing home: do NOT feel guilty about doing what's best, even if it's not what people want. While you certainly should take care of your mother, it is ridiculous for anyone - including you - to think you should drop your entire life, uproot yourself, and go to her to do it. You are going to need all the normal routines of your life and support systems you can draw on to get you through this.

Second, get yourself to a couselor or psychiatrist. Today. Right now. You are going to need the trained, objective support and sounding board. It sounds like you needed it last week. I have no idea what's up with this fatalistic attitude toward "I'm going to drive him away and be alone", but knock it off. Real love isn't holding hands and staring at sunsets. It's having a partner to help you wade through the shit in life, so quit martyring yourself and get wading.

There's your marching orders. Now get to it. And I'll be pulling for you.

 

[dilloduck]

here, bones---enjoy

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[Vel]

Bless you. You have a tough job ahead. What I recommend is that you stop for a minute, take a deep breath and then break this situation down into parts that you can handle. Right now everything is so big and overwhelming that it's hard to see the solutions available. Break into parts like immediate medical needs, finances, short term care and long term care and then you can start looking to see what resources and support groups are available to help. Cut yourself a break and realize that it's ok to be scared but then realize that it's not ok to fall apart, it's not ok to drive those you love away from you, and it's not ok to beat the hell out of yourself with guilt because you can't fix this. A promise made when you were 14 may simply not be the best solution for your Mom now. I would guess that your Mom envisioned her old age as her just becoming physically frail. I'd guess that she didn't imagine the special needs she might have that will be much better met by professionals. As horrible as this is for you, the responsibility for an ailing parent is something all of us expect to have to face someday ( that's what I told myself anyway) and is a normal part of life. Let us save our pity for those that have to do the unexpected, such as long term care or loss of their child. Please know that although I won't offer pity, I'll offer you any emotional support that I can and let you yell at me all you want. Good luck and yell if there's something you need.

 

[strollingbones]

i dont need pity....i just need to man up....and right now that aint happening....i think if i could stop the spontanous crying ..but on the upside...my pantry is cleaned and organized...funny how you resort to doing stuff like that...

as for driving people away...i got a knack for it....when you base your hold persona on being a cold hard bitch well...it happens....one guy when he left....he said..."your a cold bitch with nitrogen in your veins"...so to suddenly feel so damned needy is making me crazy...

my word is my word ...even if my word was given at 14....as long as she is not violent or harming herself she will not be put in a nursing home..

yes we all face this with our parents ... medical issues etc... i am hoping if i continue to post on this...that it will help others...

in a lot of ways this does allow me to express how i am feeling and try to sort everything out...

breaking it down into smaller units is a good plan....right now...doctors evalutation....then go from there...

did i mention being scared....i got to shake that....

o friend of mine is always going..."what does not kill us makes us stronger" ...started that bullshit the other day with me....so i simply whack him upside the head pretty hard....he is going wtf....i said...hey i am making you stronger.....

 

[Ravi]

Make sure the doc checks all her medications...especially if she's on high blood pressure meds. My mom went loopy on hers but switching them brought her back to normal.

 

[strollingbones]

that is going to be done....all her meds...otc and others...she is on statens and high blood pressure meds....

 

[editec]

I got nothing, Stroll.

If your mother has dementia to the stage where it's no longer safe for her to live alone, then unless you're prepared to bring her into your home, what choice have you but a nursing home?

 

[catzmeow]

i am not one to really be this personal on a board....but right now most of the people i know in reality are so pissed at me...with good reason...face it who wants to be around someone who goes from totally ranting to sobbing like there is no tomorrow...plus i havent told but one of my best friends what is going on.....my social friends just think i have decided to be the biggest bitch on earth.

i did tell a couple of customers....kinda hard not too when y ou cant wait on them for the sobbing...and they are being kind...

i think my husband is catching the worst of it...i am taking a lot of it out on him...my being unhappy is driving him crazy and then he gets angry too...fuck given my past history i will drive him away....and be alone. i dont mind alone. but i do mind losing a man who truly loves and accepts me...cause i am in crisis. you can only ask so much understanding of one person...i cant give 50% right now...i just cant...i told him that....he is trying but its hard on him...basically the stress is effecting everything i do...or dont do....i cant even go into my glass studio..which i need to do...it does keep you from thinking...creativity...is good for the soul...

You are denying the people who care about you an opportunity to show their concern.

Right now, I have two friends who are dealing with parents who have cancer. We love them, and want to help them, whether that is providing meals or just a listening ear.

You need to tell your friends what is going on and let them help you. I would never have made it through my divorce if it weren't for some good friends, and now I try to give that back whenever I can.

Don't try to handle this all on your own--you can't. Don't be afraid to reach out to the people who care about you, and let them help/support you.

 

[Zoom-boing]

SB, how hard this must be for you. Two things you posted stand out to me. You said when your dad died that you had to be strong for your mom. Now that it's your mom and you are an only child, who do you have to 'be strong' for? Maybe that's part of why you're feeling so scared and needy? You don't have to hold anyone else up, just yourself. I've found that sometimes it's easier to do something you don't want to do when it effects someone else more than it effects you.

The other thing is . . . all this crying. I think that's a good thing! Crying is very cathartic and good for you and the fact that it comes on uncontrollably seems normal to me. It's your body's way of handling the stress and in the long run I believe it will benefit you. It may not seem that way now but perhaps when you are past this you will realize it.

It's hard asking for help, isn't it? I'm like that. I'll put up with whatever before asking someone to step in and give me a hand. In this instance you need to put aside your discomfort of asking for help and get some. Some good advice has already been given by others on where to get help. Support groups - even online support groups - help. Talking about this with others who've been there and done that (or are going through it) helps enormously. Who says you are suppose to handle this stuff alone? Keep posting on here too. My personal experience has been that you never know when someone will offer just that one bit of advice or support that will make all the difference and help you get through.

 

[strollingbones]

i will bring her here....if possible ...a small house or condo....where my son and i can take turns spending the night and i can stay the days most of the time....when not i can hire private nurses...that is one advantage of working at the er long ago ...i know a lot of nurses...who i can trust...

cats the reason i havent told my close friends is they all have their own problems....right now