The Rebirth of Democracy!
I headed over to Rachel Corry Elementary School to cast my ballot this evening when my path was blocked by what resembled a human Clydesdale, with the body odor to match.
Who the hell are you? I demanded. What is the meaning of this? And what smells like horseshit?
My name is Jimmy Clydesdale, he introduced himself. Im with Operation: Restore Democracy Now!, a grassroots, non-partisan, interfaith organization devoted to protecting the integrity of the electoral process from Republican voters. Were here to monitor todays elections and keep an eye out for any GOP operatives that might try to horse around with the system, if you know what I mean.
Splendid! I chirped. Its reassuring to know that someone is looking out for the little guy, girl, or proud member of the transgendered community.
Thank you, sir, he replied, but Im afraid I cant let you inside with THAT on! He poked a furry hoof at my flag lapel pin in disgust. Any outward displays of patriotism might adversely effect how people vote tonight. We have to keep everything fair and balanced you know. Im sorry to be a nag, but I'm sure you understand.
Ah, but the flag is upside down, I corrected him. And I peed on it before coming here.
Oh, my mistake! he quickly apologized. Please go on in. Ill just follow along to make sure you arent threatened or coerced by any Republicans.
We proceeded together to the registration table where an elderly woman asked for my name and I.D. in three different languages before settling on English. I dismounted Jimmy and handed her my Hot Topic Preferred Customer card while she fumbled around for my ballot. Moments later I was in a private booth exercising my civic duty to throw the Republican usurpers out of office so we can finally surrender with honor in Iraq. Jimmy stood protectively behind me as I voted, whinnying loudly if my pen drew perilously close to a GOP candidate, or angrily stomping one of his feet if I appeared to be voting in favor of an anti-tax initiative, but otherwise everything went smoothly and I wasnt pressured or intimidated by any right-wing election thieves. When I finally finished voting, I left the booth and proudly marched to the ballot box for the fifth time in as many hours.
Not so fast, sir, Jimmy snorted, roughly blocking my way again. I noticed that in the senatorial race, where you meant to check Maria Cantwell, you accidentally wrote in Hugo Chavez. Care to explain yourself?
KKKantwell voted for the Iraq War and then never bothered to vote against it, I bluntly informed him. Shes nothing but the Shrub's lapdog and ILL BE DAMNED IF I EVER GIVE HER EITHER MY VOTE OR A WILD NIGHT OF CRAZY MONKEY SEX EVER AGAIN!!!
Jimmy trotted me out to my Segway and we party company. I hope that in other cities across America, progressive voters were blessed by the protection of courageous election monitors such as he. I enjoyed the experience so much that I went back two more times before the polls finally closed.
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