Helicopter Parenting: A Scourge of the 21st Century

[strollingbones]

parenting takes time....good parenting takes a lot of time and effort....helicopter parents think they are doing their jobs...but forget that a parents main job is getting them to 18 alive and then letting the go....but if no one teaches them how to fly they just fall on their faces...and when they fall on their faces....dont just pick them up and cuddle them....kick them in the ass and tell them to get on with life...

 

[Marion Morrison]

You can't guarantee total safety, especially for kids.

And for a very good reason.

Jarts! Yeah!

 

[Marion Morrison]

If you think this style of parenting began in the '80s...

You've obviously never met a Jewish mother.

Jewish, and Italian mothers are famous for being overly protective, and overbearing. However, that generation did not coddle their kids. As an only child raised by an Italian American mother in the 60's, and 70's, on weekends, and in the summer, I was expected to leave the house after breakfast, and not be seen again until dinner unless I had chores to do around the house, or lawn. We never even saw adults during the day if we had free time.

Seriously, don't you have something to do outside?

 

[strollingbones]

we use to play chicken with pocket knives....i loved playing that

 

[strollingbones]

could you imagine telling an er doctor why you were stabbed in the foot now?

 

[Marion Morrison]

we use to play chicken with pocket knives....i loved playing that

How does that work? It's not the "stick your hand on a board" spread open thing, is it?

See how fast you can go before you **** something up?

We used to play chicken with cigarettes. Oh yea, and Mumblety peg with knives.

As we got older, we played chicken with cars.

 

[SweetSue92]

parents should stop trying to be their child's best friend.....i never bought into that....i was a parent not a buddy...i see 30 yr old sons living with their parents and not doing anything to contribute...it did not bother me to be the only parent who (fill in that blank) or to be told i was a ***** and he hated me....i considered that just a passage of age...both of ours...parents gave up when cps was a threat....the first time i was threatened with cps...was the first and last time...a 12 yr old has never an my life and never will....i am a firm believer in kids should fear their parents...simple as that...

in the south we have 'come to jesus' meetings.....there needs to be a lot more of that...has nothing to do with religion

Absolutely about being friends with your kids. They're not supposed to be your friends.

I'll go even further than that. It is very, very bad for the KIDS when your entire life centers around them. I think it used to be that children were a wonderful and important ADDITION to your life, not the very center of them. Not anymore. For too many American families, the child is the very center of the parents' existence, and if they're not, then the parents think they're doing it wrong.

Oh, they're doing it wrong, all right. This is very bad for the kids, in so many ways. But for just one thing, it puts a LOT of pressure on the kids. They're just trying to live their life. They shouldn't have to fulfill yours, too.

 

[strollingbones]

Split the Kipper, incredibly, was a popular game played by children in the 1970’s.
All that is required to play is soft ground, stout shoes, a knife and large amounts of stupidity. That’s right, a game for children involving knives.
Players stand facing each other a distance of 1 or 2 meters apart with their legs together. The leading player, the one with the knife, then aims and throws his weapon so that it lands outside his opponents feet. That is to the right of his right foot or left of his left foot. The knife must stick into the ground blade first and must be within 30cm of said foot. If it is further away or if it doesn't stick in the ground at all then it is a ‘no-throw’ and doesn’t count. If it is within 30cm then that player has to move his nearest foot to where the knife landed. He now pulls the knife out of the ground and it is his turn to throw back in the same way.
The game continues with each player taking turns to throw whilst all the time trying to remain standing, their legs getting further and further apart. If a player falls over or gives up, he loses.

strange games: Split the Kipper - strange games with knives #1

we didnt have all these fancy names or rules...we just tossed knives at each others feet....

 

[SweetSue92]

kids arent allowed to be put out with a bagged lunch and water ...you cant tell them stuff like...dont wanna see ya unless there is blood or a bone sticking out...we were expected to entertain ourselves for the day....i expected my son to do the same...

I don't know. I sneakily suspect that a lot of pediatricians, like a lot of teachers, have seen the downside of helicopter parents and just want to tell everyone to chill the heck out.

I think there's an awful lot wrong with the term "parenting" too, to be honest. My parents didn't "parent" like a sport. They had three kids and raised them. I think there's a difference.

 

[SweetSue92]

we use to play chicken with pocket knives....i loved playing that

How does that work? It's not the "stick your hand on a board" spread open thing, is it?

See how fast you can go before you **** something up?

We used to play chicken with cigarettes. Oh yea, and Mumblety peg with knives.

As we got older, we played chicken with cars.

Okay here's my classic 70s memory: who remembers the pudding "cups" in TIN CANS??

Anyone? They came in cans, like soup cans now. Mom would come out with a tin can for all of us, we would peel those tins lids off and then run our little tongues allll the way around those lids, just asking to cut a nice big gash in our tongues. lol

Helicopter parents would faint at the thought

 

[SweetSue92]

I have never heard the term "helicopter parents".

I don't cope well with their offspring.

The term "helicopter parent" was first used in Dr. Haim Ginott's 1969 book Parents & Teenagers by teens who said their parents would hover over them like a helicopter; the term became popular enough to become a dictionary entry in 2011. Similar terms include "lawnmower parenting," "cosseting parent," or "bulldoze parenting." Helicopter parenting refers to "a style of parents who are over focused on their children," says Carolyn Daitch, Ph.D., director of the Center for the Treatment of Anxiety Disorders near Detroit and author of Anxiety Disorders: The Go-To Guide. "They typically take too much responsibility for their children's experiences and, specifically, their successes or failures," Dr. Daitch says. Ann Dunnewold, Ph. D., a licensed psychologist and author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box, calls it "overparenting." "It means being involved in a child's life in a way that is overcontrolling, overprotecting, and overperfecting, in a way that is in excess of responsible parenting," Dr. Dunnewold explains.

What Is Helicopter Parenting?

It seems that you teach at the university level. I am astounded by women my age who have their college student's class schedule memorized. Their daily class schedule (!). I had excellent parents and they never knew when I had class. They would call me and say, every time, "are you in class?"

And the helicopter parents will say, about my son, "When are his classes done on Wednesday?" Now mind you he is a Junior in college, 21 years old. People were aghast I didn't know this. Why should I know this? He's an exceptionally good student at a very good school. He can take care of his business; I have my own business to take care of.

????

 

[Marion Morrison]

we use to play chicken with pocket knives....i loved playing that

How does that work? It's not the "stick your hand on a board" spread open thing, is it?

See how fast you can go before you **** something up?

We used to play chicken with cigarettes. Oh yea, and Mumblety peg with knives.

As we got older, we played chicken with cars.

Okay here's my classic 70s memory: who remembers the pudding "cups" in TIN CANS??

Anyone? They came in cans, like soup cans now. Mom would come out with a tin can for all of us, we would peel those tins lids off and then run our little tongues allll the way around those lids, just asking to cut a nice big gash in our tongues. lol

Helicopter parents would faint at the thought

Helicopter parents were after my time. In my time, it was time to go home when the street lights came on.

It didn't matter how much fun everyone was having sitting on the waterbed mattress and then the fat kid would jump on it. Launching!

You still have to go home at dark.


In my time, we constructed bicycle ramps.

Tbh, I built my own skateboard halfpipe at 15. 9-foot transition with 1 foot of vert.

 

[strollingbones]

we use to have home made skate boards and pull each other about on bikes..curves were a blast

 

[williepete]

It seems that you teach at the university level.

The clients who attend my classes range from their 20's to their 60's. It's a short and intense course covering aircraft systems, avionics, performance and procedures. I have an interesting view of how different generations cope with stress. The older folks are quite stoic. They grimly apply themselves day one and stay at it. The younger folks go through a period of denial about having to work so hard. They eventually tuck in but only after losing valuable time. No whining or complaints from the older folks. Lots of whining from the 20-somethings.

After my class, they progress to simulator training where they have to apply what they learned. Those who didn't study don't perform well. (Shocking right?) After their simulator training, they have to pass an oral exam before taking their check ride. Fail the oral and you don't get in the simulator for the check ride. Don't pass the check ride and you lose your job. Some of the youngsters don't accept the rare failure well. It's common for them to blame the instructors. When an older client fails, they accept the responsibility.

It's sad to see a kid fail and lose their job but as my wife says, "Your not training them to be fry cooks."

 

[SweetSue92]

It seems that you teach at the university level.

The clients who attend my classes range from their 20's to their 60's. It's a short and intense course covering aircraft systems, avionics, performance and procedures. I have an interesting view of how different generations cope with stress. The older folks are quite stoic. They grimly apply themselves day one and stay at it. The younger folks go through a period of denial about having to work so hard. They eventually tuck in but only after losing valuable time. No whining or complaints from the older folks. Lots of whining from they 20-somethings.

After my class, they progress to simulator training where they have to apply what they learned. Those who didn't study don't perform well. (Shocking right?) After their simulator training, they have to pass an oral exam before taking their check ride. Fail the oral and you don't get in the simulator for the check ride. Don't pass the check ride and you lose your job. Some of the youngsters don't accept the rare failure well. It's common for them to blame the instructors. When an older client fails, they accept the responsibility.

It's sad to see a kid fail and lose their job but as my wife says, "Your not training them to be fry cooks."

Yes, thank you for failing those that don't make it! From all of us!

I'm curious--have you been teaching the course over a number of years? Have you seen any difference as to how the different ages react to the course? Or have the younger students always had trouble accepting their outcome?

 

[williepete]

I'm curious--have you been teaching the course over a number of years? Have you seen any difference as to how the different ages react to the course? Or have the younger students always had trouble accepting their outcome?

A few years. Failure is rare. They don't get to my course unless they have already achieved a certain level of expertise. One trend I notice in the different generations is acceptance of responsibility. The 20-somethings accept their success but not their failures. The 40-year-olds and older accept the fact they have to work hard as normal. The 20-somethings often appear to be "put out" at what we demand of them.

Many youngsters are quite bright. Especially with the avionics. They grew up with technology and they are fearless when learning new systems. Older guys, not so much. Sometimes we have to drag the older guys into the 21st century. It's common for a youngster to help an older guy figure out how to use the iPads or help him learn how to program the fight management system.

The overall trend I've noticed is that the 20-somethings are incredibly immature for their age. They may be bright but they are immature. This immaturity often results in poor judgment and incomplete decision making.

 

[SweetSue92]

I'm curious--have you been teaching the course over a number of years? Have you seen any difference as to how the different ages react to the course? Or have the younger students always had trouble accepting their outcome?

A few years. Failure is rare. They don't get to my course unless they have already achieved a certain level of expertise. One trend I notice in the different generations is acceptance of responsibility. The 20-somethings accept their success but not their failures. The 40-year-olds and older accept the fact they have to work hard as normal. The 20-somethings often appear to be "put out" at what we demand of them.

Many youngsters are quite bright. Especially with the avionics. They grew up with technology and they are fearless when learning new systems. Older guys, not so much. Sometimes we have to drag the older guys into the 21st century. It's common for a youngster to help an older guy figure out how to use the iPads or help him learn how to program the fight management system.

The overall trend I've noticed is that the 20-somethings are incredibly immature for their age. They may be bright but they are immature. This immaturity often results in poor judgment and incomplete decision making.

That's interesting, and it's exactly what the research on the "self-esteem movement" bears out. That is, too much "junk praise" throughout their childhood backfired on these young people in a big way. They're well equipped to handle success as you have noted; terribly equipped to handle setbacks. Every setback is a mark on their ability, not a normal step in the process of learning--which you and I both know, it really is. Mistakes are learning, at least at my level and in my discipline. Correcting mistakes is a huge part of how you learn. But not having learned the resiliency of experiencing lots and lots of lots of little mistakes along the way, and then fixing them, it's just someone else's problem. It can't be theirs. And then there was always Mom to be an advocate for that.....

Yes to technology though, and that's one great thing about the younger generation. They are fearless and that's a good thing.

 

[williepete]

They're well equipped to handle success as you have noted; terribly equipped to handle setbacks. Every setback is a mark on their ability, not a normal step in the process of learning--which you and I both know, it really is. Mistakes are learning, at least at my level and in my discipline. Correcting mistakes is a huge part of how you learn. But not having learned the resiliency of experiencing lots and lots of lots of little mistakes along the way, and then fixing them, it's just someone else's problem. It can't be theirs.

You hit the nail on the head.

Failure is critical to learning. Especially for those, like myself, who are slow to learn. Good judgment is not always obvious. Many of us only develop good judgment after making bad decisions. If parents bubble wrap the kid's environment, they don't develop survival skills.

There's an old saying in aviation: When you start, you hold two bags. One bag is full of decisions and the judgment bag is empty. As the decision bag empties, the judgment bag fills. The object is to gain a full bag of judgment before your bad decisions kill you.

 

[Pilot1]

Absolutely about being friends with your kids. They're not supposed to be your friends.

I'll go even further than that. It is very, very bad for the KIDS when your entire life centers around them. I think it used to be that children were a wonderful and important ADDITION to your life, not the very center of them. Not anymore. For too many American families, the child is the very center of the parents' existence, and if they're not, then the parents think they're doing it wrong.

Oh, they're doing it wrong, all right. This is very bad for the kids, in so many ways. But for just one thing, it puts a LOT of pressure on the kids. They're just trying to live their life. They shouldn't have to fulfill yours, too.

I see most of my peers wanting to be friends with their children. Then when it comes to make the hard decisions, and provide necessary discipline, set boundaries, and guidance they CAN'T DO IT. They are AFRAID their kids will be upset with them, and ostracize them. It makes them crazy, and it makes me disappointed to see parents live in fear of their children.

 

[Pilot1]

There's an old saying in aviation: When you start, you hold two bags. One bag is full of decisions and the judgment bag is empty. As the decision bag empties, the judgment bag fills. The object is to gain a full bag of judgment before your bad decisions kill you.

I been fortunate to live by that mantra most of my adult life. There was a few times though...……