I've been living in the South for over 30 years, primarily because I've spent most of my life ether in the military, or working as a Department of Defense employee.
Most military posts are located in the worst shitholes in America and most of them are in the South. Who in their right mind wants to live in a hot place with over 79% humidity and is so tick infested you can't walk through your front yard without picking up an unwanted hitchhiker. Where I grew up the nights were so cool that you didn't need AC. All you had to do was open your window at night and you could sleep comfortably. Not in the South. If you open your windows you're gonna end up sweating your ass off. The South is practically the reason AC was invented. The air stinks. The water is green from algae, not blue like back home. If you ever wonder why there are so many fat people in the South you can blame AC. All the city people do here is sit in their air-conditioning and drive to some place to eat. That's the only thing they seem to want to do.....other than get drunk, get in a fight, and ****.....not necessarily in that order.
Camping out in the South isn't like back home. Back home you needed a fire to stay warm, sometimes even in the Summer. Here in the South, I cannot fathom wanting to willingly go out and live in that sweltering bug invested craphole. Being outdoors during the Spring lets you know that you have allergies. There is so much pollen, mold, and mildew in the air it's difficult to breath.
Even the fireworks display on the 4th is a major pain in the ass. The only good thing is the sulfur in the air tends to chase the bugs away temporarily. It's still hot and sticky and miserable.
When it comes to the type of people that live here, you get all kinds. But the ones that stick out the most are those idiots that think a ball cap and a pair of overalls is high fashion. Folks that don't know one thing about politics, but they can tell you about cutting Tobacco, bailing Hay, or cutting the balls off of hogs.
Once a friend of mine at work and I where telling war stories among a bunch of the local yocals. We were talking about all of the foreign countries we had deployed to. This one kid was asked where he had been.....he said he'd been to Dover TN. That's a little town about 50 miles to the West of Clarksville. The only time a Red-neck wants to travel it seems is when it's going to the closest Corn-holing contest or a Squash festival or NASCAR race. And if you don't know who is leading in points on the NASCAR circuit they look at you like you're an idiot. Who gives a shit about a car race that essentially was an off-shoot for bootlegging. Red-necks do. I don't. I think it's just a major waste of fuel. Going in circles for 5 hours isn't a sport to me.....it's pure stupidity.
In the South it's not called a car....it's a VEE-HICLE.
In the South you don't step on the gas.....you mash the pedal.
In the South you don't drink a soda....you drink a coke or a sugar water.
In the South people practice Witchcraft.
In the South kids get a job at 16 and stay there until they turn old and gray.
In the South if you have a full set of teeth by the time you reach 30 that's a major accomplishment.
In the South most people chew Tobacco....even some of the women.
In the South....if you don't know what "ROLL TIDE" means then you're a damned Yankee.
Sounds like you need a couple of weeks at Acadia. C'mon down, Mudwhistle.
I'm just homesick.
I grew up in Montana.
I hear it's beautiful out there. But we got lobster.
You know you're from rural Maine when:
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Bangor for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit moose more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as moose meat, beer, fish, and berries.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the convenience store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter/winter/still winter/construction
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