For Bootneck

[Phoenix]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

 

[Phoenix]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[Phoenix]

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

 

[Phoenix]

New Terrorist Weapon ...

 

[Ringel05]

New Terrorist Weapon ...

View attachment 8202

Cool, the new ITD. (Improvised Trapping Device)

 

[Phoenix]

a Chelsea Pensioner was sitting on a bench in the park in London.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair that was all different colors -- green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old soldier just stared!!

The young man said. "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old soldier replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

[Big Black Dog]

I didn't know that Eve was such a pervert. I always pictured her as the "pure" Snow White kind of lady... Will have to re-evaluate my thoughts about her. I think there's a dark side...

 

[Zoom-boing]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Eve again.

Damn!

 

[Zoom-boing]

New Terrorist Weapon ...

View attachment 8202

Oh . . . . snap!

 

[Phoenix]

Oh . . . . snap!

Exactly!

 

[dilloduck]

I didn't know that Eve was such a pervert. I always pictured her as the "pure" Snow White kind of lady... Will have to re-evaluate my thoughts about her. I think there's a dark side...

Pervert my ass----she's just being a tease. Did it work ?

 

[Phoenix]

Pervert my ass----she's just being a tease. Did it work ?

Gee, thanks, ducky. Yer so helpful.

You wouldn't happen to be MM's twin brother, would you?



I didn't write the dang jokes anyway, I just posted 'em.

 

[Phoenix]

i didn't know that eve was such a pervert. I always pictured her as the "pure" snow white kind of lady... Will have to re-evaluate my thoughts about her. I think there's a dark side...

 

[Phoenix]

(Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.)

'HU'S ON FIRST' By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office and the conversation between George Bush and Condi Rice.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

 

[dilloduck]

(Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.)

'HU'S ON FIRST' By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office and the conversation between George Bush and Condi Rice.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

See ? A pervert wouldn't tell a joke like that---FRAUD

 

[Phoenix]

There were once two lovers who loved to try out kinky new ways of sex. The woman suggested they have sex in the park at night. The man agreed

Later that night, the couple hid in the bushes and waited for people to leave. The both undressed in pitch black and the man began kissing the woman all over, then 'moved south'. After what seemed like 10 minutes the man burst out:

"I wish I had a torch."

"So do I," the woman sighed, "you've been eating the grass for ten minutes."

 

[Phoenix]

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic."Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying She thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up on the fat cow.

 

[Phoenix]

A blonde woman was tired of people calling her names and teasing her because of the colour of her hair, so she decided to kill herself. She found some rope and went to the park. She tied one end of the rope to a branch of a tree, climbed the tree and then tied the other end of the rope to her neck.

"Good bye, cruel world," and with that, she slid of the branch.

A couple of hours later, a man was walking in the park, when he noticed a blonde hanging from the tree, but the rope was now round her waist.

"What are you doing?" the man asked in surprise.

"I'm killing myself because the world is an evil place." she said with a tear in her eye.

"Well, isn't the rope supposed to be round your neck if your committing sucide?" he said.

"Oh yes, but i tried that and couldn't breathe!"

 

[Phoenix]

There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.

Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island.

When the troops hit the beach.........

* The Royal Marines go fishing.
* The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
* The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
* The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip.
* The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
* The Italians go sunbathing.
* The Germans land and build a car factory.
* The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
* The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
* The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
* The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
* The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
* The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
* The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
* The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
* The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
* The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
* The Spanish are late.
* The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
* Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
* The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
* The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
* The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
* The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.
* The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
* The Irish Army will be late because they say they are still celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
* The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
* The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
* The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
* The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
* The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
* The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
* The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
* The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
* The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it.
* The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
* The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
* The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
* The Kentuckians open a KFC.
* The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
* The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
* The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
* The Swedes just want to screw.
* The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
* The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
* Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
* The Romanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
* The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
* H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
* The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen.
* The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
* Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
* The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
* Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
* George W. Bush doesn't know where the island is, so he orders the U.S. Airforce to bomb Hawaii.

 

[Phoenix]

Four Paratroopers were hopelessly lost on patrol. It was getting dark and had just started raining so morale was low. Blundering through the woods, they suddenly came across a deep, fast-flowing river. The first Para said "here goes" and jumped into the water, hoping to be able to swim across to the other side. However, he had forgotten he was wearing full kit which included three ponchos (all with hoods) a pair of black plimsolls (highly polished) a little tin with some coloured string and some little plastic monopoly houses, the Charlie G, (84mm), four concrete-filled practise rounds, six back issues of Pegasus magazine, and a curious hat made of metal.

He sank like a stone never to be seen again. "Oooer...." said the remaining three.

Just at that moment, a Genie appeared. "Can I be of help?" the Genie enquired.

The first, although somewhat surprised at seeing such an apparition, blurted out, "Yes please! Can you make me into a gunnery officer?"

At which point he was transformed into a subaltern from 94 Heavy Air Locating Regiment. He immediately pulled out some waterproof paper (available from Survival Aids) and choosing a lumicolour pen from the vast multi-coloured array in his breast pocket, just above his nametag, he set about working out some calculations. Punching numbers into his wristwatch/calculator and taking bearings with his prismatic compass, (which had been bought at Silvermans), he worked out that the bend in an over-hanging branch would give him enough lift to project him across the water to the other side. Using the two remaining Paras for labour, he had
the branch bent down, sat on it and was flung far across the river. Of course, as usual, he dropped short and therefore drowned!

The second Para thought to himself "Thick pratt....should have asked to be an engineer officer", a request he duly put into the Genie.

He was instantly transformed into a Captain from 34 Heavy Engineer Bridging and Barb Wiring (Surrey) Squadron. Immediately after his transformation, he pulled out a palm top computer and began calculating the tensile strength of a hanging vine. With the help of his extra light field binos (swapped with a US "Special Forces" officer he met on his Arctic Survival course on at Thetford), he calculated that the vine would be just long enough and strong enough to get him to the other side. Using the last Para to push him, he swung out into the middle of the river. Of course, he had forgotten to convert his mils into degrees and the vine wasn't strong enough anyway. It snapped and he plunged into the dark water, never to be seen again!

The final Para alarmed at the demise of his three colleagues, asked the Genie what he should request.
"Try being a Royal Marine" replied the 'Little One'.
"OK, make me a Bootkneck"
"Well" said the Genie "You can't really be 'made' into a Royal Marine, you have to have the breeding, but I will give you the brains of a Royal Marine"

Whereupon the Para was transformed into a Royal Marine. So whistling 'Life on the Ocean Wave' quietly to himself, he crossed the river by the bridge!!!!!!