For Bootneck

[Phoenix]

Fred went to the emergency room with a lingering pain in his private area.

He was highly embarrassed and asked the nurse to please not laugh at him.

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied

She ran out of the room.

 

[Phoenix]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'


I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

 

[Phoenix]

A Fairy Tale

One day, a long long time ago, there lived a woman who didn't moan, whine, bitch or complain or piss her husband off.......


.......but it was a long time ago and it was only for that one day.


The End

 

[Phoenix]

Scene: Korea, 1951
Two US Marines and two British Royal Marines share a foxhole in territory deep in Chinese Communist lines.

With enemies all around, bullets are flying and the four men must crouch at the bottom of the foxhole for safety. There, crowded together, the four begin a vigorous and highly contested game of one-upmanship, bragging about how the US Marines are better, no the Royal Marines are tops, etc.

Finally tiring of the game, one US Marine forgets where he is for a moment and sticks his head up to look around. Just then, a Chinese bullet at the end of it's trajectory bounces on the ground, pops into the Marine's mouth, knocking him silly on the foxhole floor.

Fearing the worst the other 3 men look on incredulously as the groggy US Marine shakes his head and spits out 3 bloody teeth and a bullet. "Coor, Blimey, 'e caught the bleedin' bullet with 'is teeth!" says one awed Royal Marine to his mate.

The other US Marine makes a mocking face and says, "You a__hole, if you'd rolled with that like they taught us in Boot Camp, you'd have never lost the f__'n teeth!"

 

[Phoenix]

Private Jones was assigned to the Marine induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

[Colin]

A true tale.

While interviewing a Royal Marine sniper in Afghanistan, a Reuters News reporter asked the Marine what he felt when killing a Taliban with a sniper rifle.

The Marine thought for a moment and replied, "Recoil."

 

[Si modo]

A true tale.

While interviewing a Royal Marine sniper in Afghanistan, a Reuters News reporter asked the Marine what he felt when killing a Taliban with a sniper rifle.

The Marine thought for a moment and replied, "Recoil."

Brilliant!

 

[Phoenix]

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations

Friendly fire - isn't.
Recoilless rifles - aren't.
Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

Five second fuzes always burn three seconds.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.

Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.

Weather ain't neutral.

If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.

The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

The one item you need is always in short supply.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

The side with the simplest uniforms wins.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Well .. It could be worse: It could be raining .. and we could be out in it.

So he said, "Cheer up: it could be worse!" So we cheered up. And it got worse.

The side with the simplest uniform wins...

The spare batteries for the PRC-whatever your troops have been carrying are either nearly dead or for the wrong radio.

The ping you heard was the antenna snapping off at 6 inches above the flexmount, while a fire mission was being called in on a battalion of hostiles who know your position.

Why is it the CO sticks his head in your radio hooch to see if anything has come down from DIV when you are listening to the VOA broadcasting the baseball games?

How come you are on one frequency when everyone else is on another?

Why does your 500-watt VRC-26 (real old) not make it across 200 miles while a ham with 50 watts on the same MARS frequency can be heard from Stateside?

Know why short RTOs have long whips on their radios? So someone can find them when they step in deep water.

The enemy "Alway's" times his attack, to the second you drop your pant's in the Latrine!!

The ammo you new "NOW"!! is on the "Next" airdrop!!

Murphy's Law
The Army Weather Corollaries

Inclement weather always begins AFTER you've already done PT.

A sudden downpour always occurs at the end of a summer field exercise--just in time coat all your equipment and camouflage with mud.

The best beach weather always occurs when you are in the field wearing MOPP 4.

There is no such thing as a blue sky during a company picnic.

There is no such thing as a cloudy sky when your unit needs to infiltrate enemy territory.

Road conditions are always red when it's time to convoy home.

Motor pools are always 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the post during the summer and 50 degrees colder in the winter.

Army training areas exist in a constant state of weather flux controlled by a deity with a truly cruel sense of humor--How do you think we got them so cheap?

The peak of Mt. Everest would flood if an Army unit was told to set up on it.

Hell really would freeze over if someone decided to conduct an exercise there.

The Port-a-Potty Postulate states that the likelihood of a hurricane, sandstorm, tsunami, or blizzard occurring immediately over your location is directly related to how bad you need to get to the portajohns at the other side of the campsite in the middle of the night.

The temperature always rises to 70 degrees AFTER you put on two layers of polypros, your bear suit, and all of your Gortex.

If you whine about the weather, someone else will always whine louder.

Rules of the Rucksack

1. No matter how carefully you pack, a rucksack is always too small.

2. No matter how small, a rucksack is always too heavy.

3. No matter how heavy, a rucksack will never contain what you want.

4. No matter what you need, it's always at the bottom.

Phillip's Law:

Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Weatherwax's Postulate:

The degree to which you overreact to information will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

Least Credible Sentences:

1. The check is in the mail.

2. The trucks will be on the drop zone.

3. Of course I'll respect you in the morning.

4. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.

Brintnall's Second Law:

If you receive two contradictory orders, obey them both.

Pavlu's Rules for Economy in Decision Papers:

1. Refute the last established recommendation.

2. Add yours.

3. Pass the paper on.

Oliver's Law:

Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

Lackland's Laws:

1. Never be first.

2. Never be last.

3. Never volunteer for anything.

Rune's Rule:

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Law of Supply (also known as the Law of Gifts):

You get the most of what you need the least.

Hane's Law:

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

 

[Phoenix]

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

[alan1]

True story from when I was in the service.

We were training and in a simulated war environment. Our platoon was "killed", and so we were just hanging out doing nothing until we could be the "replacement troops" that arrived in 48 hours.
A Colonel was observing the war game, and his jeep got stuck in the mud. He told a group of us to help push the jeep so he could get out. One of the more smart-ass guys in our platoon looked at him and said, "Sorry sir, we can't help you, we're dead".
The Colonel looked at his driver and said, "Driver, throw some of those dead bodies under the vehicle so we can get some traction."
We suddenly became alive.

 

[Phoenix]

True story from when I was in the service.

We were training and in a simulated war environment. Our platoon was "killed", and so we were just hanging out doing nothing until we could be the "replacement troops" that arrived in 48 hours.
A Colonel was observing the war game, and his jeep got stuck in the mud. He told a group of us to help push the jeep so he could get out. One of the more smart-ass guys in our platoon looked at him and said, "Sorry sir, we can't help you, we're dead".
The Colonel looked at his driver and said, "Driver, throw some of those dead bodies under the vehicle so we can get some traction."
We suddenly became alive.

 

[Ringel05]

True story from when I was in the service.

We were training and in a simulated war environment. Our platoon was "killed", and so we were just hanging out doing nothing until we could be the "replacement troops" that arrived in 48 hours.
A Colonel was observing the war game, and his jeep got stuck in the mud. He told a group of us to help push the jeep so he could get out. One of the more smart-ass guys in our platoon looked at him and said, "Sorry sir, we can't help you, we're dead".
The Colonel looked at his driver and said, "Driver, throw some of those dead bodies under the vehicle so we can get some traction."
We suddenly became alive.

There was a reason he made Colonel and it wasn't politics.

 

[Colin]

I remember one occassion during my time in the Army when the 2Lt called me before him and said that he didn't see me at camouflage training that morning.

I did, of course, thank him profusely for the compliment.

 

[Phoenix]

I remember one occassion during my time in the Army when the 2Lt called me before him and said that he didn't see me at camouflage training that morning.

I did, of course, thank him profusely for the compliment.

 

[Colin]

The Royal Marine was receiving orders for his first jump. His sergeant said, “When you jump out of the plane, wait ten seconds, then pull the main parachute cord. If there's trouble with the main chute, pull the emergency chute's cord. When you land, there will be a truck there to drive you back to the base.”

Off the Marine went and boarded the plane. Once he had jumped, he pulled the cord for the main chute: it didn't open. He then pulled the emergency chute: it failed, too.

“Oh, great,” the Royal Marine thought. “I bet there's no fucking truck down there either.”

 

[germanguy]

German Bundeswehr:
Training for recruits

"Private Schmitz, what do you do if you see a person crawling on the lawn in direction of the barracks ?"

"I would help the Colonel up and bring him to bed."

___

"When throwing a handgrenade firts pull this ring then count 21 - 22 - 23 and throw."
"Fucking idiot mine went of the last time already at nine".

____

"Private Schmitz what is the main task of the Bundeswehr (Federal Armed Forces) ?"

"To stop the enemy at the border until NATO sends proper military, sir!"

____

The retired secret service men bragg about their services capabilities.
A KGB-man, a CIA-man and a Stasi-man (= former east-german secret police, the feared Staatssicherheit).
The agree to test with a skeleton their skills:

The KGB - man takes the skeleton and returns after an hour:
"This was a human, 30 years old, probably male and a caucasian".

Not impressed the CIA - man disappears with the skeleton.
After two hours he returns:
"He was living in the US, had liver problems and was married"

The german guy from the Stasi takes the skeleton and disappears.
After 12 hours he comes back:

"Ok - his name was Peter M. Hamilton, he was living in New York.
56 years old.
Studied economics in Stanford, became lawyer.
Married, two children, member of the Republicans.
He made 1,5 million a year, drove a Chevvy and later on a BMW.
Zree times he cheated on the IRS, but zey never found out.
He had a mistress over in Jersey, 19 yrs old, blond - big boobs - but rather stupid.
Hed died because his wife put some poison in his morning coffee.
He checks his watch : "She will be arrested already."

The KGB - man and the CIA - man look at each other, than to the Stasi - guy.
"Whoa - heck, how you found out all that ?"

The Stasi guy shrugs:
"We have our ways - in the end zey all talk"

___________________________________

Another one from the good old times of East Germany:

A man sees in Dresden around a corner the end of a cue.
As this means something important is available for sale, he steps at the end of the cue.
After two hours waiting he asks the man in front of him:
"For what are we cueing here"
"Car tires comrade"
"Really - there are car tires available in Dresden again - great."
"Nope - they are on sale in Leipzig - but the cue ends here."

___________________________________

A man in a train in East-Berlin is cussing endlessly about the government.
"Fucking idiots, all retards, the whole country is totally messed up.
Economy is spiralling down . I can not stand this anymore".
Another man rises:
"Comrade - I am from the Staatssicherheit - you are arrested."
"Why ?"
"Because you are complaining about our heads of state, calling them retards"
"But I meant the ones in the West !"
"You are arrested anyway - ours are retards"
______________

Now one originally from 1933:

The Pope is unhappy with the new Chancellor Adolf Hitler. He expresses some complaints about how the new government treats the Jews.
Hitler calls Herman Göring:
"Herman, the Pope in Italy is making problems. Travel there and try to solve this...But try to handle this smoothly this time, will you ? No fuckups !"
"Jawohl mein Führer, I am on my way".

The next day Hitler gets a telegram from Göring:

"Heil mein Führer,

Rome is in flames, troops are plundering the Vatican, Pope executed, Tiara fits.
Your Holy Father
Herman I."

regards
ze germanguy

 

[Phoenix]

The British Military writes OFRs (Officer Fitness Reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S-206 and these are actual excerpts.

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this officer.

3. This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

5. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

6. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

7. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

8. This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

9. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

10. When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

11. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

12. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

13. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

14. This officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

15. In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

16. The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

17. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. (This one is a keeper.)

18. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (Runner-up)

 

[Phoenix]

A WAC was assigned as a driver for the General, one day as they were driving down a back rode the jeep quit running. The driver got out, opened the hood and tried working on the engine. The General was in a hurry so he looked in the glove compartment and found some tools. He yelled out to the WAC, “You want a screw driver?”

She yelled back, “Might as well! Can’t get this damned thing started!”

 

[Phoenix]

Little Known Christmas Fact

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[Phoenix]

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."