Hey, it was God who started it.
Satan apparently just went up to go chill in Heaven with God and the Angels, and God was like
"Where'd YOU come from"
And Satan was like "Oh, you know, cruisin' around back and forth across the Earth, just doing my thang. WHAT UP.
And then God started boasting about his slave Job.
"So have you noticed my servant Job? I bet you haven't. He's way too afraid of me to perform Evil.
What you got *****.
WHAT YOU GOT???"
Satan was like,
"My nigga, you got Job spoiled like a little *****. You protect him from all the fucked up shit in life. Ain't nobody comin' at him testin' his Faith. Thanks to you, he's got it made.
But you know...
He wouldn't be daddy's little princess if you took it all away. He'd straight up Curse yo ass."
God was like
"AWWWW HEYELLLLLL NO"
Aight then ************. Lets see what you're made of. Go on down to Earth and go **** up his life. Destroy everything he loves. Just don't lay a finger on him.
And watch.
He'll STILL WORSHIP ME.
Yeah.
That's right.
Your Father who art in Heaven
'bout to show you up.
Go."
So after being taunted by God, Satan powers up and goes on down to Earth, where he compels an army to kill off a bunch of Jobs' livestock.
Word on the streets reaches Job.
But Satan ain't done.
Satan calls upon the power of Hell and shoots a Kamehameha, destroying a bunch of Job's servants and sheep.
Job's homeboy tells him the bad news.
Satan compels another army to steal Job's animals and slaughter more of his servants.
The homie tells Job, who has now sensed a great disturbance in the Force.
Then, Satan hunts down Job's loved ones. Satan calls upon all the energy of Hell and launches a Spirit Bomb at them, effectively ******* nuking their asses and everything within a 666 mile radius.
Job is informed of the terrible news, that his sons and daughters just got turned into ******* charcoal.
But Job
******* JOB
Job goes and shaves his head and rips off his robe, exposing his massively hung eleven inch penis, rock hard at the thought of proving his Faith to God.
And he screamed out with a charging pelvic thrust
"PRAAAAIISSSSEE GAAAAAWD!
HALLEFUCKINGLUJAH"
And The Lord was pleased.
Next day, Satan shows up in HEAVEN again to go kick it with God.
God was like
"Where did YOU come from?
Oh wait. Let me take a wild ******* guess. Job's place, perhaps?"
Satan was like
"I just ******* destroyed Job's life and he still worships you."
God crossed his arms and laughed at Satan.
"Yeah *****.
That's right.
Uh huh.
What'd I ******* tell you.
My servant Job is still loyal. He's STILL too afraid of me to do evil, even though we just gone' fucked up his life.
You see?
That's how you fuckin' play God ***** ."
So while God was rolling his victory blunt, Satan was like
"You know...
We never actually hurt Job. We only mindfucked him. Let us see how much physical pain he can endure before he Curses you."
God hit the blunt and passed it to Satan.
"Alright *****, go **** with him. Just spare his life. But I'm tellin' you... he won't betray me. I'm fuckin' GOD yo, Lord of the Cosmos and I ******* know everything. But go on. Maybe you'll learn something."
So Satan powered up and flew on down to Earth, fantasizing about the terrible things he was about to do to Job.
And you motherfuckers know the rest.
Or do you.
)
