Deadpool (Fan-Fiction!): Thief/Siren


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Sep 22, 2013
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Here's a Deadpool (Marvel Comics) fan-fiction that asks the question, "Do Americans like dictatorships?" Signing off (thanks for good mems, fans/readers),


This is the city of angels, Los Angeles (California). My name's Isaac Satan, and I'm a comic book aficionado but at night, I double as a costumed self-declared vigilante and crusader named Deadpool. I love LA. Right now I'm robbing banks in LA. LA is the best city to rob banks.


Now, why you may ask, would a vigilante-crusader want to rob banks in LA and claim to be a vigilante-crusader? Well, honestly, I'm really good at it. In fact, it was me, yes me, who coined the phrase, "Never rob a bank with a water-gun filled with HCL acid!" That changed the streets, ya know? I have my own costume inisgnia, and though the second letter looks like a 'D' it is in fact a curved 'P.' I wear my costume and rob banks in LA to deal with a new menace in LA which I'll tell you about shortly. All you need know now is that robbing banks is necessary to deal with this evil I'll soon describe and my insignia is very special.


I have a selfie on Facebook and on my comic book art page. This helps me sell my online comic books. I make fan-fiction fanzine comics about very unusual characters/avatars doing wild things to defend this modern America. My fans and customers consider me a reliable and worthy modern folk artist, and you might note from my selfie that I look affable, approachable, and refreshingly nerdy, which is what a comic book aficionado should look like. In other words, my artist identity is very...democratic.


My girlfriend Ella is a stunning redhead from Northern Ireland. I brought her here from there so she'd get away from all that IRA madness in Belfast. She's happier living in LA with me as a well-paid diner waitress. It sure beats going to the grocery store in Belfast and worrying about British police questioning you about your possible ties to the newest rogue P-IRA members. That's why Ella loves me. She's like the calming center of love to my otherwise comic book like life of LA fireworks. She's terrific!


I don't know what I'll be feeling when I rob this US Bank in LA to deal with the hellish evil I'm about to disclose to you, my good friends and readers! I know I'll most likely be wearing some kind of Deadpool mask and costume and wielding some toy swords which hide a shooting tranquilizer dart-spring. I'll be sedating the security guards at the LA bank I'm robbing and then taking the manager hostage so he escorts me to the vault-room where I can find the $10 million Antwerp blood-diamonds stored in safe-box #445 and owned by the new LA criminal master Joker (and his hideously gorgeous siren of hell, Harlequin). That's the first part of this comic adventure disclosure. I seek to look dapper for this bank robbery.


ELLA: I fear that the kids will want video-games about bank robbery after Deadpool commits his anti-Joker heroism in this city.


Ella got a haircut one time and suited up to help me rob one bank in LA during which I pretended to be a psychiatric patient believing he was some kind of ice-hockey prophet after being cut from the LA Kings. Ella was in a yellow jumpsuit and put on a dog-mask, and I had a hockey mask. I stole $1 million cash, also belonging to the evil Joker-Harlequin duo of darkness currently living in LA. I just make sure Ella's not wrapped up in all this heroism in the underworld, so I keep reminding her...she's nothing but an American waitress!


So I walk into the LA bank and sedate the guard and take the manager hostage and steal the Antwerp diamonds belonging to Joker-Harlequin and walk out and drop 1/2 the diamonds in the LAPD mailbox before sending the note to the Times which reads, "Once more, Joker-Harlequin are robbed of their precious American assets...once more by the dashing Deadpool."


JOKER: Are you insane?
DEADPOOL: Why do you ask, my good enemy?
JOKER: Well, you're robbing banks and my assets.
DEADPOOL: And your point is irrefutable!
JOKER: Well, what're you thinking?
DEADPOOL: I don't hear your meaning, man!
JOKER: You fool, don't you understand?
JOKER: I'm blackmailing the city mayor with Harlequin.
DEADPOOL: So I hear.
JOKER: It's because he got into adultery with Harlequin.
DEADPOOL: May I add your 'Harlequin' is a real angel of darkness?
JOKER: You may!
DEADPOOL: So yes, good enemy, I'm taking some of your assets.
JOKER: So you think a villain losing fortunes will encourage villagers to forget about Harlequin?
DEADPOOL: Well, enemy, it's human nature to think bank robbery is akin to adultery-tyranny!
JOKER: I'm going to kill you, you fool.

HARLEQUIN: Will you two stop texting and fight face-to-face, someday, or what?


What Joker-Harlequin fail to see is that my underground bank robbery brand of heroic piracy in LA encourages the good people of the city of angels to focus less on the realism behind adultery scandals devastating to the mayor and more on the adventurousness behind vigilantes seeking to grab the gems of a really bad crimelord. In other words, we fight fire with fire. Bank robbers tend to draw attention away from the real bad guys --- violent terrorists and extortionists. That's why my Antwerp diamonds are a symbol of American divinity.


LAPD: As long as Deadpool continues to keep touch and helps us concurrently deal with blood-diamond hell, we'll thank him.


JOKER: This guy's like Orson Welles.
HARLEQUIN: Then treat him like...David Copperfield!


"Do you think Deadpool can challenge the darkness of Joker-Harlequin? Do you think LA is a place to distinguish real terrorism?" Tweet us to let us know, and enjoy your Suicide Squad Netflix/Redbox evening, folks.


"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)

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