In 1984, in Washington State, the only way for a father to get custody of his children was to prove, in court that she was an unfit mother. The fact that my ex was in a drug rehab center was an indication that she was, in fact, getting the help she needed.
The fact that she has been a practicing addict for the last 28 years shows they were wrong.
I paid my child support and I paid more because the state said I had to pay even after my children moved out because they couldn't live with an addict any more. She was fired from a nursing training center for "tapping into patients meds", She was not prosecuted because she went into treatment. Again, "doing what she needed to do" to be a responsible parent. She left our kids with her sister while she was partying to the point where she ended up in the hospital. but again she was "doing what was necessary" to clean up.
My mail was not delivered to my kids. They were threatened that she would commit suicide if they went to live with me. I called and sometimes got to talk to them. I travelled the 300 miles to visit and sometimes got to see them. Once they were of age and they got to know me things changed drastically. I gave them copies of the letters that I had sent, poems I had written and let them look through my journal. we have an excellent relationship now and they have quit believing the things their mom said about me because it just doesn't fit. My daughter, with her own family now, can't understand how her mother could do the things she does. She never did get the duality of the addict. I always told her that there were two people there - one was her mother and the other was the addict. As long as the addict is in control the mother is absent. She still doesn't understand that and cries when her mother flakes out on remembering days they are supposed to spend together or time when my daughter is in the hospital. "how can a mother forget that her daughter has surgery?" is what she asks. I try to remind her about the addict but she can't understand. My son and I have a good relationship - maybe better than my daughter and I because he understands that his mother is absent. He hopes for the day she returns but knows it is one of those things he has no control over.
I was fortunate - I raised my kids for the first nine years and tried to see them every other week. There was no summers or Christmas vacations with them just visit when their mother didn't say they were sick and could come outside. There was lots of worry and many phone calls and letters to Child Protective Services but none of that was real to them. I was, after all, just a father who was vindictive toward an ex-wife.
Supporting my children was never a burden to me - it was my right and responsibility. It wasn't always easy and I was late with payments twice in the 11 years of payments. I did have to separately pay back the welfare my ex was on between our separation and the final decree even though the decree called out the separation date it didn't matter. As long as we weren't legally divorced I had to repay what the state paid - in addition to the support I paid in the interim. So we all supported her habit and remarkably she is still alive - but not well. She probably won't live long enough to collect the SS benefits the court awarded her. My daughter still wants her mother and my son is losing hope. I have two of the best kids I could ever hope to have and they love me too. I am so proud of who they have become inspite of the way the system condemned them to live with an absentee mother and a drug addict.
Child support is not fair; it doesn't make up for all that you and your children lose because you are not there to share their lives. The system is not fair because it allows bad things to happen to children who are already in shambles because two adults can't put their kids first and do what is best for them.
