Charlie, a tolerant religious leader

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Charlie is a religious leader. People are paying Charlie a lot of money due to religion. Charlie is a very well respected and obeyed religious leader in his country.

“To go to heaven, you need to pay Flying Spaghetti Monster $1k,” says Charlie to the crowd. “You can pay through me. Otherwise, you will be tortured for all eternity in outer darkness. Moreover, your body will be sleeping with the fish. In addition to that, your wife and daughter will be humping the guy that makes that happen. Got it?” Most people in the country obey Charlie due to respect. Charlie tend to keep his words on that one.

Those who disbelieve will be killed. Charlie’s faithful followers and fans do the killing.

“It’s basically do what I said or else. Capisce?” said Charlie in national chat. “Amen,” said everyone except those that are sleeping with the fish latter.”

The people in Charlie’s country has a tradition called rutabaga. All sex outside rutabaga is illegal.

“Sex outside rutabaga is unholy. So it’s illegal. I decide what the rutabaga rules are and who can rutabaga who,” said Charlie. “You should only rutabaga those who haven’t been able to attract any sex partner yet (Monogamy - Wikipedia),”

Charlie added. “You shall only rutabaga those with the same letter of first name as yours. So Andrew can rutabaga Anne and Bob can rutabaga Bonita,” Charlie makes rules on the fly.

“The only permitted sexual position is doggy style, the rest is abomination. Anyone wanting to unlock other position need special sacraments that’ll cost $2k,” Charlie keeps talking and thickening his pocket. “What? I am a religious leader. Of course I regulate sex. It’s the going industry standard. It’s the tao of all religious leaders. I am effectively the pimp of all hoes. No body fuck no body without my explicit permission called rutabaga or marriage or whatever. Otherwise it’s sin punishable by up to 5 years of hard labor or sexual slavery.”

Books that may encourage skepticism and atheism like “From Faith to Doubt” is prohibited.

“Early followers of Flying Spaghetti Monster may not be monotheistic,” explains George. “In fact, early scriptures of Flying Spaghetti Monster’s worshipper suggest that this whole religion wasn’t mean to be taken seriously at all.” George explains.

Soon, Donny is sleeping with the fish. His wife and daughter become porn stars on national TV servicing all inmates in prison. “Mom, this is very embarrassing,” complains Hanna, Donny’s daughter. “Well, that’s what happen when dad read prohibited stuff,” explains Irene, Donny’s widow.

One day a secular liberal philosopher talks to Charlie. “You said there is no compulsion in religion. So people should be free to choose their religion,” says the philosopher.

“Mmmm… Okay,” says Charlie.

“Well, the only people that choose their religions are apostates and heretics. So they should have right to be apostates and heretics too. Otherwise, what’s the point?” says the philosopher.

“MMMM…. Makes perfect sense,” says Charlie.

So Charlie then creates a new religious decree. “From now on, you are free to be apostates,” says Charlie.

Some people then become apostates. Those people do not pay Charlie anymore. Charlie lost income. “Ah well, I am a tolerant religious leader. It’s the right thing,” says Charlie.

Turns out killing apostates are Charlie’s religions main selling point. I mean, nowadays, people sort of want some proof and Charlie doesn’t have any. Hence, more people become apostates. Killing apostates tend to make more people behave.

“Well, sucks for them then. Too bad they all going to hell even though nobody is killing them anymore,” says Charlie.

Also some competitors start mimicking Charlie’s success strategy.

“Worship Flying Spaghetti Monster Jr instead. He just asks for $500,” says Freddy.

“Flying Spaghetti Monster doesn’t have children. Worship invisible pink unicorn instead. Currently still free till further evolution in the religion,” says George.

Competition gets tougher and tougher. All those new heretical sects offer better deals at pretty much the same proof with Charlie, none. Charlie then performs a counter strike.

“Flying Spaghetti Monster demands $1k, however, paying anything is better than nothing,” says Charlie.

“Worship Jehovah Jr. instead. He’s the most popular god ever,” says Hendry, a Christian missionary. “You can make up religious doctrines on the fly to justify war or anything you wish (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filioque). You can embrace your own culture and call it biblical no matter what your culture is (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_ancient_Rome). You can talk gibberish and call it divine communication (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossolalia). You can claim to be prophets and very few would give fuck (Benny Hinn - A False Prophet). In time of extreme poverty, you can use Jesus names to justify looting jews, at least till the jews got power. When they do, you can just be their ally and call that biblical too. You can claim you can miraculously cure disease, make tons of money, and get away with fraud even though those you claim you cure die (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faith_healing),” Hendry explains the superiority of his religion compared to all others.

“This Christianity used to be a very tough competitor. Now I am tolerant and no longer prosecute them,” sigh Charlie.

As time goes by, Charlie’s profit margins get less and less. Soon, Charlie lost all his income.

But he doesn’t worry. “I can still do programming,” says Charlie to himself. So Charlie becomes a programmer.

“Programmer is one of those influential ancient honest job,” explains Ivan, a historian. Ivan has been trying to reenact various honest jobs responsible for humans’ golden age on 21st century.

After lifelong years of studying various programming languages and programming patterns, Charlie can finally code.

“Speak the truth, always, even when making jokes or writing e-book. Never create fictions. Safeguard the global constants and this scripture. Do no anti pattern,” Ivan screams while putting his two handed keyboard on the shoulder of kneeling Charlie.

Charlie makes some money. Not as much as it used to be. His harem is empty because all his wives left to richer men. “Ah, but I am a tolerant guy,” says Charlie.

Charlie talent for convincing people is not that useful anymore in programming. “So what? It’s the right thing,” says Charlie.

Then, the liberals demand income taxes.

“What the hell. Oh tax is robbery. Waaaa… I lost a lot of money here,” says Charlie. “People used to pay me tax. Now I am paying tax. That sucks. Well, I suppose it’s okay. I’ll be a good citizen and pay tax.”

One day Charlie is walking on the street. A robber comes. “Give me all the money in your wallet. However, to save both of our time, what about if you tell me the amount of cash in your wallet first so I can decide whether it’s worth robbing you or not. I mean we got limited resources and there are too many potential robbery victims walking these roads and around other roads we have no control too you know.”

“Make sense,” says Charlie. The problem is Charlie has just gotten his cash pay. He got $50k on his wallet. That’s his salary for the whole year.

“I wonder what I should do?” asks Charlie, “Lying means fraud. I don’t do fraud.”

“Ah to hell with this. This guy is an asshole. I don’t owe him anything. He doesn’t respect my right. I shouldn’t respect his right either. Why should I care? I am just going to lie,” says Charlie to himself.

“I got no money,” says Charlie.

“Oh ya, let me check that,” says the robber.

“Robbery payers are not being cooperative. We have sufficient reasons to believe a case of under reported seize able assets. We will perform a thorough robbery audit,” say the robbers’ friends.

“Probable causes accepted. Permissions to audit granted,” says the robbers’ supreme adjudicators.

“All I got in my pocket are guns,” adds Charlie.

“Hmmm… we are busy. I guess we’ll just meet next time,” say the robbers.

“I also have, machine guns, shotguns, torture devices, and other anti-robbery measures,” Charlie further elaborates.

“Oh shit. You could have just nailed us. You are such a nice guy. Here is $10k for being nice,” say the robbers.

“Wow. Lying does work,” says Charlie, “Well, anything worth doing is worth overdoing. After all, the libtards are taxing me. They too are not my friends. I owe nothing to them. I’ll just do whatever it takes to get whatever I want. Just like everyone else.”

“Listen people. Flying Spaghetti Monster has told once that apostates are assholes. All of you must repent or face eternal torture along with your whole clans,” Charlie says.

Most people do not believe. However, a few do. Those few kill those who disbelieve. Eventually everyone believes out of fear. Charlie systems work again due to superior leadership.

Some wants to fight back, but they are afraid, just like the robbers.

“Resistance is futile. Flying Spaghetti Monster is almighty and he is on my side,” says Charlie.

Those who dare to fight Charlie becomes less and less and Charlie’s supporter can kill them more easily.

Then everybody repents and pays money to Charlie again. Charlie harem is full again. Charlie then lives happily ever after.

 

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Hmmm anyone? It explains why religious leaders are the way they do btw