Ask Joe (a new advice column just for USMB members)

[Esmeralda]

Dear Joe,

If a tree fell in the forest, and there was no one there to hear it, would USMB members still argue?

(I'm still waiting to hear about the connection between Oprah and God. Thanks in advance. )

 

[Esmeralda]

I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.

And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.

If you doubt this, just ask Joe.

Joe,

Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.

TYIA
on the Jersey Shore.

Dear Joe:

Given the conceptual definition of "God", how could God have Her own "God"?

Who created God? And once we establish That, Who created That God?

And so on and so on?

Does God therefore look like this?

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCjmDI4AJlk"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCjmDI4AJlk[/ame]


Or did She clone herself parthenogenically from a Holy Stem Cell?

And if She did create herSelf, what was her previous job? I mean how do we know She's even qualified? Does She have a Birth Certificate?

God does not look like Heather Locklear! Heather Locklear is the mirror image of the Devil. Her previous job was obviously prostitution, and she was born outside the universe, her birth certificate says so, thus she is completely unqualified to be God. And, worst of all, one of her parents was NOT Christian, so how could she be qualified to be God?

 

[CorvusRexus]

Dear Joe:

How on Earth do you get a girl to go out with you?

 

[Statistikhengst]

Dear Joe,

I just bought a Japanese made product with the following user instructions:

"Insert loving tip of Sensei Warrior into soft Lotus Flower in spring. Twist in the direction of the rising run. If not wet enough, insert again, but coax Lotus Flower into Kabuki position. 240 V"


So, can I use this electic shaver, or not?

translatingly yours,

Stat

 

[Pogo]

Dear Joe:

Speaking of framistans, what do you think of this product? I'm watching one on eBay.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs

Pogo,

Don't buy it. I bought one, and it shorted out the very first time I tried to fill the solenoid capacitor with coconut oil.

You can't just use OTC coconut oil! It has to be denaturized, homolgulated, priaxite coconut oil from Garbonzo palms grown on south, south west facing beaches. No wonder it shorted. The electronitic enzymological detractors would have underloaded and quadcoupled the enfragogulative transformers.

Now you're just being impultuous.

 

[Pogo]

I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.

And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.

If you doubt this, just ask Joe.

Joe,

Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.

TYIA
on the Jersey Shore.

I DID prove my point via logic.

That you failed to grasp it is on you. But there may be help for you: Ask Joe.

But, this time, try asking him the right question with the correct premises.

Dear Joe:

What exactly ARE the right premises? If my key works in the door and all my stuff is here, am I not home?

 

[IlarMeilyr]

Joe,

Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.

TYIA
on the Jersey Shore.

I DID prove my point via logic.

That you failed to grasp it is on you. But there may be help for you: Ask Joe.

But, this time, try asking him the right question with the correct premises.

Dear Joe:

What exactly ARE the right premises? If my key works in the door and all my stuff is here, am I not home?

It pains me to have to admit it when Pogo makes a funny that IS actually funny.

But, wtf?

I liked that one.

 

[percysunshine]

So where is Joe anyway?

He has a gigantic inbox.

 

[Vandalshandle]

So where is Joe anyway?

He has a gigantic inbox.

Joe the Seer of all Wisdom sometimes goes on retreat. He consults with the Guru of Ultimate Enlightenment, Sooth Sayer. (otherwise known as "Guess"), who lives on the highest elevated spot of land in Kansas. There he meditates while putting himself in a Bud Light induced trance, until he feels the calling to return, and impart his wisdom. He also uses that time to read old Ann Landers columns.

 

[Esmeralda]

Dear Joe,

What happens to socks?

You put them in the wash in pairs, but somewhere along the line, one will simply disappear, never to be seen again. I think there may be something going on here that only those beyond the grave may understand, but, seeing as you are all knowing, I come to you for an answer.

Signed,
Bewildered and bewitched in Peoria
(not to mention, a little bit bothered)

 

[AVG-JOE]

Joe Mama

Is there anything we can do to get the cheap ass traveler to stop bringing on roller-boards and crushing my swag?

Check that bag!

V/R
Zone 5 Passenger

No, not really... "Cheap ass" is an Evolutionary trait with a lot of value in a competitive environment.

You may want to start puttin' your swag in a bag.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Ass-U-Me-ing God exists, I'm going to guess God looks like everything and nothing at the same time. I think giving Him either Monkey or reptilian attributes would be seriously selling Him short. Ass-U-Me-ing He exists.

Dear Joe:

If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?

Are they properly married, or living in Sin?

Joe,

Following up on Pogo's questions;

Who would have the authority to marry God and HER significant other?

Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?

I have no way of answering that since the God I picture in my assumptions needs no husband or wife to be made complete.

The question that continues to frost me is, what does God DO all day? He already knows EVERYthing!

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe,

Does 'God' look anything like Oprah Winfrey?

Like I said before, I assume that God looks like everything and nothing at the same time. I'm pretty sure that Oprah/Jimmy fits in there somewhere.

 

[September]

Joe.

What's is the seven headed dragon with ten horns?

-Ash

 

[Derideo_Te]

Dear Joe:

If God is a He, who is the Female that makes Him one by comparison?

Are they properly married, or living in Sin?

Joe,

Following up on Pogo's questions;

Who would have the authority to marry God and HER significant other?

Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?

I have no way of answering that since the God I picture in my assumptions needs no husband or wife to be made complete.

The question that continues to frost me is, what does God DO all day? He already knows EVERYthing!

That is why there is a Mrs God. She finds things for him to do all day!

But you bring up an interesting point. Was the Universe God's Magnum Opus and he has done nothing ever since? Seems kind of pointless to just do one thing and then nothing more thereafter.

So my questions to you, Joe, are what is God going to do to top the creation of the Universe? What will be his next act? Will there be a sequel or something entirely different?

Stay tuned to the same Joe channel and time to find out.

 

[Esmeralda]

Joe,

Following up on Pogo's questions;

Who would have the authority to marry God and HER significant other?

Since God must be an Atheist by definition doesn't it make sense that all followers of God should do likewise and be Atheists too?

I have no way of answering that since the God I picture in my assumptions needs no husband or wife to be made complete.

The question that continues to frost me is, what does God DO all day? He already knows EVERYthing!

That is why there is a Mrs God. She finds things for him to do all day!

God's honey do list. LOL

 

[Vandalshandle]

Dear Joe,

I have another train question.

If a train leaves New Orleans at 40 MPH at 8 AM, bound for Florida, how long will it take the engineer to realize that they never replaced the track that was washed away by Katrina?

Sidetracked in Biloxi

 

[AVG-JOE]

Dear Joe:

Okay. I bought this new doo-hicky a few days ago to go along with my whats-it. I don't have instructions but there's a what-cha-ma-call-it that's supposed to connect the doo-hicky to the whats-it but I don't have a what-cha-ma-call-it. I do, however, have a thing-a-ma-jig. Is there a way I can replace the what-cha-ma-call-it with the thing-a-ma-jig?

Signed, anxious in Denver

Yes indeed! Just order a flangheimer adapter from Acme Supply and hope that you have room on your chassis.

Just don't let [MENTION=19170]Coyote[/MENTION] help with the installation!

Dear Joe:

Speaking of framistans, what do you think of this product? I'm watching one on eBay.

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k9x2gUHbQs[/ame]

I think you should pony up the extra dough for the one that slices, dices, chops and bops, too.

Think of it like investing, not like spending.

 

[AVG-JOE]

There is we presume no limit on God.

Ergo, if I can properly say, "I think, therefore I Am"; then so may God.

God is presumably very much Aware of His Own ability to think. Thus, God is in the position to know of His own Existence.

There is no logical reason that denies to Him (or to anybody else) the right and the ability to believe in the things He knows.

The only limit on an average joe, is Ann Landers....

From now on, I am going to remember this picture every time average joe posts something...

She spoke with a lisp.

I wonder if Joe does, too?

Wonder no more, young Jedi... I do not.

 

[AVG-JOE]

Ironic that you used the term "semantic silliness" and then proceeded to indulge in semantic silliness.

God is an Atheist because she can use Omnipotent Duct Tape to fix anything at any time She chooses.

I was merely extending your semantic silliness, but doing it by resort to logic.

And the fact that I am right is established by your implicit concession.

If you doubt this, just ask Joe.

Joe,

Ilar still has doubts that he can "logically" prove his point. Please be so kind as to explain logically that God (if she existed) would be an Atheist given all of the current terms that are used to describe her.

TYIA
on the Jersey Shore.

Sorry Bud...

Can't do it.​

If God is, I believe that She believes in Himself.