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Apologies
- Thread starter Gracie
- Start date
good morning...whats up...aaron is being fucking mean to me today...how are things going gracie?
hurry gracie this place shuts down soon for a while......is mr g okay....or has moving got to you?
i hope you are not leaving?
- Thread starter
- #7
Sorry. USMB shut down and I had to wait. While I did, I smoked 2 whole cigs..back to back. Then ate a twinkie. Then popped one of the dogs xanax. MrG is ok. I won't know anything for another 2 or 3 days about the house when I take the rent. The waiting is horrible.
I'm depressed because those I thought I could rely on...aren't. I have given and given and given over the years and now I'm in trouble and there is no place for us. No room. Lots of excuses. If they respond at all. Oh, they email or call and ask how things are, but if I tell them...they gotta go. Someone is at the door. Someone is on the other line. They will call me back but never do and I never called them to being with. My friend of many many years that I have kicked people out of this house for to make sure they had a roof over their heads...will not return the favor and is it a favor to being with because doing that to someone is so not cool but I did it..because my friend needed me. My inlaws had no place either. So I made room for them. They have no room for us. I planned things..to keep my mind busy. And I made myself sick. In the ambulance, I told them...DNR. They better not DNR. I remember that, but nothing else. Not the ride in the ambulance, not the hauling me into the ER room. All I remember is running down the hall, IV thingy sliding behind me as I looked for a bathroom, puking and shitting a trail all the way there...and them sticking stickies all over my chest, murmuring amongst themselves that I was burning up and they needed to cool me down...and I was freezing and begging for a blanket I think. And I slept. Then they woke me up and said I could go home..they had me stablized. Whats bad is....I was bummed. I didn't want to wake up. Ever.
So I get my shit together...pun intended...and smile when I get home. I'm fine. It was nothing although the pain I DO remember..the heaving for air, the pain in my jaw shooting down my arm, my chest feeling like someone was stabbing it with a butcher knife. But no..I'm ok. I'll be fine. Must be strong. Ignore it. And screaming on the inside that I am awake. I'm back. And I didn't want to come back.
Dumb idea to stop smoking. Doing really good, too. 10 cigs per day. beats a whole pack. Less than 10, actually. And each day that goes by, I do what I always do. Putter around in yard. Do stuff I shouldn't do. In the back of my mind is "oh, you wouldn't take me in the ER. I'll MAKE you take me" and I do more stuff I shouldn't do. But then there is karma. Poor karma...she would be lost. I have to stay for Karma. And MrG, but mostly Karma. So I look and look and look in Trulia, Craigslist, Zillow. I call my other friend and ask if she can co sign? No. I ask if she still wants us to manage her property? No. Another door shut. Slammed shut. Sister slams me down too. Inlaws slam us shut. Friend who lived with us and now owns her own home and is looking for roomies slams the door shut. She would rather get more money from roomies than give us a roof for less than what a roomie can give her. It was a rude awakening. Years and years and years of giving pieces of me because I loved them. And now...we do not exist. We are sucker punched.
Today..I need to get away. I go the thrift shop, find a cute summer dress and today is dollar day. It will fit me. I buy it. Come home, try it on. I'm ugly. My scar shows on my chest in it. My hair is frizzled. I look awful. Old. Ugly. So I cry staring at myself in the mirror, quietly so MrG doesn't hear me. I take it off and throw it in the trash. Then I go to pinterest...and I see pins of animals crying on graves of their owners so I quickly leave and go to twitter and see pics of sad or abused animals in supposedly Cute Animal people I follow and I quickly leave and go to front page of AOL and I see where a cop kills someones dog. The dog is dead. Shot dead. They block it out of the vid because it is too sad, but they left the wagging tail as it laid there in the hallway and died. It wagged its tail. Dying. And that was the final straw. That wagging tail. That poor dog...so friendly, wanting to see who knocked on the door and wagging and wagging and sniffing and the cop just blew a hole in its head...and the tail and the owner is screaming and trying to hold the dog and that tail...still wagging. And I lost it. Completely lost it. Still losing it.
It all comes down to a wagging tail of a gentle dog being shot....and still there enough in its blown head to wag its tail as the owner cries over it. Ugly, tails, scars, moving, sad, empty, disconnected, not wanting to be here any more, scared, maybe homeless, room empty of all I loved cuz I sold it all, sadness of harm I have caused, tears I caused, words I said that were stabs to other people. Nowhere to reach out. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to solve. And a fucking wagging tail of a dying dog.
Sorry...I'm quite loaded now. And I wish I had the guts to swallow the whole lot. But I don't, because I can't leave Karma. And I am not a chickenshit. A coward. I'm tough. I can take this. But tomorrow...I will wish I never wrote it. But I have been thinking of this for some time now. Actually, to be honest, a very long time. Since Gracie died. But I still have Karma. MrG will do ok. Karma..not so much. So here I am. Loaded. And thinking of a wagging tail on a vid on AOL and crying.
I'm depressed because those I thought I could rely on...aren't. I have given and given and given over the years and now I'm in trouble and there is no place for us. No room. Lots of excuses. If they respond at all. Oh, they email or call and ask how things are, but if I tell them...they gotta go. Someone is at the door. Someone is on the other line. They will call me back but never do and I never called them to being with. My friend of many many years that I have kicked people out of this house for to make sure they had a roof over their heads...will not return the favor and is it a favor to being with because doing that to someone is so not cool but I did it..because my friend needed me. My inlaws had no place either. So I made room for them. They have no room for us. I planned things..to keep my mind busy. And I made myself sick. In the ambulance, I told them...DNR. They better not DNR. I remember that, but nothing else. Not the ride in the ambulance, not the hauling me into the ER room. All I remember is running down the hall, IV thingy sliding behind me as I looked for a bathroom, puking and shitting a trail all the way there...and them sticking stickies all over my chest, murmuring amongst themselves that I was burning up and they needed to cool me down...and I was freezing and begging for a blanket I think. And I slept. Then they woke me up and said I could go home..they had me stablized. Whats bad is....I was bummed. I didn't want to wake up. Ever.
So I get my shit together...pun intended...and smile when I get home. I'm fine. It was nothing although the pain I DO remember..the heaving for air, the pain in my jaw shooting down my arm, my chest feeling like someone was stabbing it with a butcher knife. But no..I'm ok. I'll be fine. Must be strong. Ignore it. And screaming on the inside that I am awake. I'm back. And I didn't want to come back.
Dumb idea to stop smoking. Doing really good, too. 10 cigs per day. beats a whole pack. Less than 10, actually. And each day that goes by, I do what I always do. Putter around in yard. Do stuff I shouldn't do. In the back of my mind is "oh, you wouldn't take me in the ER. I'll MAKE you take me" and I do more stuff I shouldn't do. But then there is karma. Poor karma...she would be lost. I have to stay for Karma. And MrG, but mostly Karma. So I look and look and look in Trulia, Craigslist, Zillow. I call my other friend and ask if she can co sign? No. I ask if she still wants us to manage her property? No. Another door shut. Slammed shut. Sister slams me down too. Inlaws slam us shut. Friend who lived with us and now owns her own home and is looking for roomies slams the door shut. She would rather get more money from roomies than give us a roof for less than what a roomie can give her. It was a rude awakening. Years and years and years of giving pieces of me because I loved them. And now...we do not exist. We are sucker punched.
Today..I need to get away. I go the thrift shop, find a cute summer dress and today is dollar day. It will fit me. I buy it. Come home, try it on. I'm ugly. My scar shows on my chest in it. My hair is frizzled. I look awful. Old. Ugly. So I cry staring at myself in the mirror, quietly so MrG doesn't hear me. I take it off and throw it in the trash. Then I go to pinterest...and I see pins of animals crying on graves of their owners so I quickly leave and go to twitter and see pics of sad or abused animals in supposedly Cute Animal people I follow and I quickly leave and go to front page of AOL and I see where a cop kills someones dog. The dog is dead. Shot dead. They block it out of the vid because it is too sad, but they left the wagging tail as it laid there in the hallway and died. It wagged its tail. Dying. And that was the final straw. That wagging tail. That poor dog...so friendly, wanting to see who knocked on the door and wagging and wagging and sniffing and the cop just blew a hole in its head...and the tail and the owner is screaming and trying to hold the dog and that tail...still wagging. And I lost it. Completely lost it. Still losing it.
It all comes down to a wagging tail of a gentle dog being shot....and still there enough in its blown head to wag its tail as the owner cries over it. Ugly, tails, scars, moving, sad, empty, disconnected, not wanting to be here any more, scared, maybe homeless, room empty of all I loved cuz I sold it all, sadness of harm I have caused, tears I caused, words I said that were stabs to other people. Nowhere to reach out. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to solve. And a fucking wagging tail of a dying dog.
Sorry...I'm quite loaded now. And I wish I had the guts to swallow the whole lot. But I don't, because I can't leave Karma. And I am not a chickenshit. A coward. I'm tough. I can take this. But tomorrow...I will wish I never wrote it. But I have been thinking of this for some time now. Actually, to be honest, a very long time. Since Gracie died. But I still have Karma. MrG will do ok. Karma..not so much. So here I am. Loaded. And thinking of a wagging tail on a vid on AOL and crying.
- Thread starter
- #8
No...I am not going to off myself. I'm just really really really sad right now. I feel like I am stuck in a tube..with people I loved looking in and me asking for grease so I can slide myself out and they are just standing there...looking in the pipe tube doing nothing. And a wagging tail of a dying dog flapping over the edge.
I will snap out of this. I will. I just need to write ALL that out. And know someone would read it. And maybe understand just how fucked up this is. That is all. Nothing more. Just....someone that hears me. And knows that no matter how pissy and bitchy and mean I have been...I am so very sorry.
I will snap out of this. I will. I just need to write ALL that out. And know someone would read it. And maybe understand just how fucked up this is. That is all. Nothing more. Just....someone that hears me. And knows that no matter how pissy and bitchy and mean I have been...I am so very sorry.
- Thread starter
- #9
Cop shoots 'friendly' dog to death in NYC apartment, owner claims
Warning. Wagging tail. I told myself...still am telling myself...that tail was wagging because there was no pain. Tail wagged because angels were holding it...white light...a distance voice saying "come play with me here in this beautiful place. I'm here with you. You are safe. You are loved" and the tail wags and wags and wags.
Warning. Wagging tail. I told myself...still am telling myself...that tail was wagging because there was no pain. Tail wagged because angels were holding it...white light...a distance voice saying "come play with me here in this beautiful place. I'm here with you. You are safe. You are loved" and the tail wags and wags and wags.
i am sorry this is happening to you....the disappointment of those you thought you could trust...the fear of being homeless is a terrible fear....scars are not ugly...they are crowns of survival.....some people turn away from scars...not all people...hell we get high and play show me your scars...i understand your feelings...of being old...our souls never adjust to the image reflected in the mirror...and that is fine...i had to do something i never thought i would do...cut my hair...i know that sounds so petty and all ...it wasnt to me...a bob..wtf? i am just over the witch fizzle and did it...i think patty duke dying has gotten to a lot of us....our age...damn if kirk russell dies women will be offing themselves in the streets.....good luck with all this...i sincerely hope things turn around for you...
Dale Smith
Platinum Member
Sorry. USMB shut down and I had to wait. While I did, I smoked 2 whole cigs..back to back. Then ate a twinkie. Then popped one of the dogs xanax. MrG is ok. I won't know anything for another 2 or 3 days about the house when I take the rent. The waiting is horrible.
I'm depressed because those I thought I could rely on...aren't. I have given and given and given over the years and now I'm in trouble and there is no place for us. No room. Lots of excuses. If they respond at all. Oh, they email or call and ask how things are, but if I tell them...they gotta go. Someone is at the door. Someone is on the other line. They will call me back but never do and I never called them to being with. My friend of many many years that I have kicked people out of this house for to make sure they had a roof over their heads...will not return the favor and is it a favor to being with because doing that to someone is so not cool but I did it..because my friend needed me. My inlaws had no place either. So I made room for them. They have no room for us. I planned things..to keep my mind busy. And I made myself sick. In the ambulance, I told them...DNR. They better not DNR. I remember that, but nothing else. Not the ride in the ambulance, not the hauling me into the ER room. All I remember is running down the hall, IV thingy sliding behind me as I looked for a bathroom, puking and shitting a trail all the way there...and them sticking stickies all over my chest, murmuring amongst themselves that I was burning up and they needed to cool me down...and I was freezing and begging for a blanket I think. And I slept. Then they woke me up and said I could go home..they had me stablized. Whats bad is....I was bummed. I didn't want to wake up. Ever.
So I get my shit together...pun intended...and smile when I get home. I'm fine. It was nothing although the pain I DO remember..the heaving for air, the pain in my jaw shooting down my arm, my chest feeling like someone was stabbing it with a butcher knife. But no..I'm ok. I'll be fine. Must be strong. Ignore it. And screaming on the inside that I am awake. I'm back. And I didn't want to come back.
Dumb idea to stop smoking. Doing really good, too. 10 cigs per day. beats a whole pack. Less than 10, actually. And each day that goes by, I do what I always do. Putter around in yard. Do stuff I shouldn't do. In the back of my mind is "oh, you wouldn't take me in the ER. I'll MAKE you take me" and I do more stuff I shouldn't do. But then there is karma. Poor karma...she would be lost. I have to stay for Karma. And MrG, but mostly Karma. So I look and look and look in Trulia, Craigslist, Zillow. I call my other friend and ask if she can co sign? No. I ask if she still wants us to manage her property? No. Another door shut. Slammed shut. Sister slams me down too. Inlaws slam us shut. Friend who lived with us and now owns her own home and is looking for roomies slams the door shut. She would rather get more money from roomies than give us a roof for less than what a roomie can give her. It was a rude awakening. Years and years and years of giving pieces of me because I loved them. And now...we do not exist. We are sucker punched.
Today..I need to get away. I go the thrift shop, find a cute summer dress and today is dollar day. It will fit me. I buy it. Come home, try it on. I'm ugly. My scar shows on my chest in it. My hair is frizzled. I look awful. Old. Ugly. So I cry staring at myself in the mirror, quietly so MrG doesn't hear me. I take it off and throw it in the trash. Then I go to pinterest...and I see pins of animals crying on graves of their owners so I quickly leave and go to twitter and see pics of sad or abused animals in supposedly Cute Animal people I follow and I quickly leave and go to front page of AOL and I see where a cop kills someones dog. The dog is dead. Shot dead. They block it out of the vid because it is too sad, but they left the wagging tail as it laid there in the hallway and died. It wagged its tail. Dying. And that was the final straw. That wagging tail. That poor dog...so friendly, wanting to see who knocked on the door and wagging and wagging and sniffing and the cop just blew a hole in its head...and the tail and the owner is screaming and trying to hold the dog and that tail...still wagging. And I lost it. Completely lost it. Still losing it.
It all comes down to a wagging tail of a gentle dog being shot....and still there enough in its blown head to wag its tail as the owner cries over it. Ugly, tails, scars, moving, sad, empty, disconnected, not wanting to be here any more, scared, maybe homeless, room empty of all I loved cuz I sold it all, sadness of harm I have caused, tears I caused, words I said that were stabs to other people. Nowhere to reach out. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to solve. And a fucking wagging tail of a dying dog.
Sorry...I'm quite loaded now. And I wish I had the guts to swallow the whole lot. But I don't, because I can't leave Karma. And I am not a chickenshit. A coward. I'm tough. I can take this. But tomorrow...I will wish I never wrote it. But I have been thinking of this for some time now. Actually, to be honest, a very long time. Since Gracie died. But I still have Karma. MrG will do ok. Karma..not so much. So here I am. Loaded. And thinking of a wagging tail on a vid on AOL and crying.
Hugs!!! Hang in there!!!
To anyone I intentionally hurt or unintentionally hurt with my words or actions here.
I've read the rest of your posts in this thread and can only say that I feel for you. I'm too far away to be of much use but I can at least put you into my prayers. They're from Oz so count for more than yank ones!!!
Greg
Cassy Mo
Diamond Member
Gracie,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. Don't give up. I know at times life can seem overwhelming, but you have it in you...like no other...to persevere. You may feel fresh out of feist
right now, but you have more of it stored deep inside. You've a veritable treasure-trove of it!
Hang in there, young lady.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. Don't give up. I know at times life can seem overwhelming, but you have it in you...like no other...to persevere. You may feel fresh out of feist
right now, but you have more of it stored deep inside. You've a veritable treasure-trove of it!
Hang in there, young lady.
I can relate to the situation with your "friends", Gracie. Consider this a blessing. You're finding out what they're really made of. You've been there for them but they aren't willing to lift a finger to help you when you really need them. Takers. When the pendulum swings back the other way and they turn to you again you can say "Oh, somebody's at the door, I'll call you back".
- Thread starter
- #17
Sorry again. Mini meltdown/panic attack. Doing ok today so far. 1 cig. MrG is off doing something with another guy about scrapping some solar panels. Pretty day. Fed the birds. Semi embarrassed about what I posted, semi feeling ok with it. Holding stuff in is not good. Some of what I wrote came straight from the heart and soul and my fears and secret thoughts, some were just screams at the world in general.
Thank you guys. Just for reading, and responding with positive posts. I was on an edge last night. Today, I climbed off that edge.
Hugs
Thank you guys. Just for reading, and responding with positive posts. I was on an edge last night. Today, I climbed off that edge.
Hugs
Cassy Mo
Diamond Member
Thank you guys. Just for reading, and responding with positive posts. I was on an edge last night. Today, I climbed off that edge.
That is so good to hear, Gracie. I'll echo Kat's sentiments, and give you a big hug, also.
No apologies for being human.
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