America: An Alternate History

[g5000]

In 2008, as the world economy is collapsing during the Bush regime, Illinois Senator Barack Obama defeats Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination for President.

Everywhere Obama goes, the clean and articulate black messiah is treated like a rock star. Meanwhile, the Republican nominee, Arizona Senator John McCain, seems ill-equipped to deal with the financial crisis and the additional burden of being a member of the same party as George Bush weighs him down like an anchor.

To boost his popularity, McCain picks Alaskan MILF Sarah Palin as his running mate, but she is not quite brainy enough to get him over the hump.

And then, suddenly out of nowhere, with two weeks to go until the election, a ten-year-old audio recording surfaces of a back-and-forth between Barack Obama and Billy Bush.

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: "I moved on her actually. You know she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I'll admit it. I did try and fuck her, she was married."

Billy Bush: "That's huge news there."

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: "Yeah that's her with the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I'm automatically attracted to beautiful... I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star they let you do it. You can do anything."

Billy Bush: "Whatever you want."

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: "Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything."


During his on-air apoplectic screaming shit fit over the recording of Obama, a blood vessel in Sean Hannity’s brain ruptures and his right eye pops out of his head and he is rushed to the hospital.

Alan Colmes spends the rest of the hour trying to spin the conversation between Obama and Bush as harmless “locker room talk”.

As a result of the tape, Obama plunges in the polls and John McCain is elected with 60 million votes to Obama’s 23 million.

Obama quickly fades into obscurity with occasional paid appearances at various auditoriums and mall openings.

 

[g5000]

President McCain and the Democratic Congress pass several measures to address the economic crisis and the stock market climbs rapidly and steadily for the duration of his first term. The right wing blogs, opinion shows, and internet forums broadcast his glory 24/7.

However, no one tackles the cost of health care which has been skyrocketing for decades and more and more Americans continue to be priced out of the insurance market.

The economy grows at a paltry rate, but McCain starts to steadily decrease the federal deficit each year.

Sarah Palin makes the news for her lavish redecoration of Number One Observatory Circle and for packing a gun on Good Morning America. She is otherwise sidelined as all Vice Presidents are.

McCain runs for re-election in 2012 and the Democrats nominate Hillary Clinton from a wide field of America-hating Marxists.

A couple months before the election, Muslims all over the Middle East start attacking embassies over a video. In Libya, at a previously unknown consulate in Benghazi, the American ambassador, Christopher Stevens, is killed.

The Republicans brush off the attack since “Stevens was a fag, so who cares.”

McCain and Clinton are neck and neck in the race until just a couple weeks before the election when Hillary Clinton appears at a campaign stop and dismisses McCain as a war hero with the statement, “I like people who weren’t captured.”

Sean Hannity becomes so enraged at this attack on our nation’s war heroes that he begins foaming at the mouth and ruptures his aorta. He dies on live TV.

After a brief commercial break for Ronald Reagan commemorative gold-plated coins, a harried looking but still smoking hot Megyn Kelly finishes the hour with a call for everyone to pray to God for Hillary Clinton to be immediately transported to the ninth circle of Hell.

A day later, the Fox News store begins selling Sean Hannity t-shirts with his likeness with a halo around his lolling head with eyes rolled upward to heaven, his arms outstretched horizontally. They sell out within days.

Hillary plunges in the polls and McCain is re-elected with 69 million votes to Hillary’s 12 million.

Hillary fades into obscurity with occasional sightings at Davos and the Bilderberg Group with her splotchy-faced husband.

 

[TemplarKormac]

Really doesn't matter now.

Trump got elected, and he lost re-election. That should serve as his penance, no?

 

[g5000]

The second term of McCain’s presidency is marked by a continuing decline of the federal deficit until it is less than half what it was when he took office. The right wing blogs, opinion shows, and internet forums broadcast his glory 24/7 despite McCain running up another $8 trillion in federal debt.

Toward the end of his presidency, John McCain begins showing signs of mental incapacity and the left half of the country begins fearful trembling at the prospect of Sarah Palin ascending to the throne while the right half of the country has to make frequent trips to their doctor to be treated for priapism.

But McCain makes it to the end and he ultimately passes away August 25, 2018 from glioblastoma which Fox News decides is too big a word and tells their viewers it was brain cancer. Caused by microwaves beamed at the White House from the Cuban embassy.

 

[g5000]

In the 2016 election cycle, all hell breaks loose with each party holding primaries for 20 candidates each. Sarah Palin initially takes the lead in Iowa. But by New Hampshire, Mitt Romney looks like he may walk away with the nomination. Newt Gingrich turns on his inner Marxist and begins attacking Romney for being a capitalist pig who made his money the old-fashioned way.

On the Democratic side, game show host Donald Trump makes his play since Hillary Clinton had been sidelined and the New York Democrat, a Simpsons fan, starts his populist campaign by descending down a golden escalator and commencing an attack on the “Establishment elites” who have kept everyone poor while the rich thrive.

He plugs his Make Adultery Great Again merch at the same time.

During one rally, Rachel Maddow joins Trump on stage to the joyous approval of the crowd while the Right bemoans the crossing of a journalistic line that should never be crossed.

Trump brushes aside complaints of his non-experience by pointing to his long public record of appearances on CNN and the talking head shows, and to his book The America We Deserve, where he had strongly advocated abortion up to the ninth month, universal health care, an assault weapons ban and longer wait times to buy a gun, and his opposition to the war in Iraq and that there were no WMDs in Iraq.

Trump promises to appoint pro-choice justices to the Supreme Court, and he promises he will enact Universal Health Care “on Day One”.

Fox News begins airing Trump’s appearance on Meet The Press where he openly supported abortion up to the ninth month, and they cite his book where he advocated for UHC and gun bans. Trump begins tweeting vicious attacks against the Fox News personalities.

Mitt Romney narrowly clinches the Republican nomination on Super Tuesday and he announces his running mate will be Paul Ryan. The Right is over the top orgasmic.

Trump begins labeling his Democratic competitors with juvenile names like “Crazy Bernie” Sanders and “Lyin’ Martin” O’Malley and “Sleepy Joe” Biden to the delight of the masses. He calls his Republican opponent “Phony Mitt”.

Trump begins telling the rubes at his rallies that he is going to grant a path to legal status and/or citizenship to illegal immigrants and tweets a photo of himself chowing down on a taco bowl in the lobby of Trump Tower.

During the first Democratic candidate debate, Trump tells the world he has an enormous penis despite the insinuations otherwise by “Little Jim” Webb.

Every week, Trump makes outrageous statements so that he gets invited on the talking head shows to explain himself at a ratio of 20 to 1 of all the other candidates combined.

Finally, after a brutal primary season, Trump clinches the nomination.

Donald Trump announces his running mate will be Nancy Pelosi which comes as no surprise as he had publicly praised her many times in the past on mainstream media.

Trump’s popularity appears to have no upper limit. He is surging in the polls, but Romney still appears to have the lead. Trump begins telling the world that the election will be rigged against him.

Trump mocks Mitt at his rallies by making fun of the fact Romney is worth a tiny fraction that he is. “’Phony Mitt’ says he is going to make you rich. I’m going to make you richer!”

Then, just two weeks before the election, it is revealed that Trump had an affair with porn star Stormy Daniels while his third wife was home nursing their baby.

Fox News bleats this every hour on the hour all the way up to the election, but Trump defeats their attempts by dismissing them as “fake news” to the rube herd.

Even so, Trump’s flaws only serve to humanize the limousine liberal to the dumb saps and he narrowly wins the presidency in the electoral count despite Romney winning the popular vote.

Trump never produces a Universal Health Care plan, to the relief of the Right. The Left is dead silent. He also fails to enact a path to legal status for illegals, but he does manage to get a tax hike on the rich passed.

Anyone in the party who expresses the least amount of dissent is labeled a DINO and primaried out of office during the mid-terms.

Trump doubles the deficit in his first two years, and runs up $8 trillion in debt in less than half the time it took McCain.

This fiscal menace causes Zombie Sean Hannity to rise from his grave and begin a zombie apocalypse which Donald Trump dismisses as a hoax.

At some point, a zombie manages to penetrate the White House and attacks Donald Trump to eat his brains but it ends up leaving still famished.

 

[CrusaderFrank]

In 2008, as the world economy is collapsing during the Bush regime, Illinois Senator Barack Obama defeats Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination for President.

Everywhere Obama goes, the clean and articulate black messiah is treated like a rock star. Meanwhile, the Republican nominee, Arizona Senator John McCain, seems ill-equipped to deal with the financial crisis and the additional burden of being a member of the same party as George Bush weighs him down like an anchor.

To boost his popularity, McCain picks Alaskan MILF Sarah Palin as his running mate, but she is not quite brainy enough to get him over the hump.

And then, suddenly out of nowhere, with two weeks to go until the election, a ten-year-old audio recording surfaces of a back-and-forth between Barack Obama and Billy Bush.

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: "I moved on her actually. You know she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I'll admit it. I did try and fuck her, she was married."

Billy Bush: "That's huge news there."

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: "Yeah that's her with the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I'm automatically attracted to beautiful... I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star they let you do it. You can do anything."

Billy Bush: "Whatever you want."

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: "Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything."


During his on-air apoplectic screaming shit fit over the recording of Obama, a blood vessel in Sean Hannity’s brain ruptures and his right eye pops out of his head and he is rushed to the hospital.

Alan Colmes spends the rest of the hour trying to spin the conversation between Obama and Bush as harmless “locker room talk”.

As a result of the tape, Obama plunges in the polls and John McCain is elected with 60 million votes to Obama’s 23 million.

Obama quickly fades into obscurity with occasional paid appearances at various auditoriums and mall openings.

I should sue to get the time back I wasted reading this

 

[Man of Ethics]

It would have been interesting if John McCain won in 2008. He has likely killed several civilians by bombing in Vietnam. He personally killed civilian people. He would have been the Serial Killer President.

 

[g5000]

Excerpt from the Introduction to America: An Alternate History:

In 2008, the entire global economy collapsed. Thousands of banks went belly up and had to be bailed out in the US, Iceland, Ireland, England, Scotland, France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Sweden, Portugal, Mexico, Switzerland, Russia, Belgium, the Netherlands, Finland, Norway, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Turkey, Bulgaria, Hungary, Greece and several other nations.

Fox News explains to their viewership this is "because blacks".

 

[g5000]

It would have been interesting if John McCain won in 2008. He has likely killed several civilians by bombing in Vietnam. He personally killed civilian people. He would have been the Serial Killer President.

I don't think we have had a President who has not killed civilians in over a century.

 

[whitehall]

Alternate-History? Isn't that a good example of an oxymoron?

 

[CrusaderFrank]

Barack kissing - a girl

LOL

 

[CrusaderFrank]

Remember when Trump said:

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." A black guy? Who speaks and showers?! Like finding twin snowflakes!

“They are used to being experimented on—the Tuskegee Airmen and others,” See? They're use to it!

“you ain’t black!” Blacks belong in the Collective hive mind

“That’s like saying you . . . before you got in this program, you’re take [sic] a test whether you’re taking cocaine or not. What do you think? Huh? Are you a junkie?” See, clean articulate above

Robert Byrd, Exalted Cyclops in the Ku Klux Klan, was “one of my mentors” and that “the Senate is a lesser place for his going.”

 

[g5000]

Alternate-History? Isn't that a good example of an oxymoron?

It is an actual genre. One of the more well-known examples is The Man In The High Castle.

 

[g5000]

During his presidency, President Trump appoints three pro-choice liberal justices to the Supreme Court, sending that body on a hard left turn for decades to come.

As the zombie apocalypse ravages the planet, Anthony Fauci recommends a metal helmet mandate for all Americans so zombies can’t eat your brains.

Metal helmets are in severely short supply, so many Americans take to wrapping multiple layers of tin foil on their heads and they begin claiming the zombie virus came from a lab in China and Bill Gates is somehow behind it all and will be tried in The Hague any day now.

The majority of those consumed by the zombies are in their 80s as they are too feeble to outrun the walking dead, though there are tens of thousands of anti-helmet victims in their 30s, 40s and 50s.

Trump assigns Vice President Pelosi to head the newly re-established White House Zombie Apocalypse Task Force, an organization he had disbanded on day one of his administration.

But Trump never allows Pelosi anywhere near the podium during the daily press briefings as he takes the stage to brag about his success defeating the zombie virus for hours on end every day.

The CDC recommends everyone lock themselves in their homes until the zombie apocalypse has passed, or at least until it has died down a little. Densely packed New York City is particularly devastated by the zombies, and Fox News explains to their viewership this is “because Democrats”.

Trump introduces Operation Warp Speed to rapidly develop an anti-zombie virus vaccine. He wildly claims a vaccine will be developed before the end of the year, and amazingly, this actually happens. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.

Trump fumbles badly halfway through election year by suggesting everyone inject themselves with Trump Vodka so they smell and taste bad to a zombie.

Though it is developed in record time, the vaccine is not developed in time for the election and Trump’s popularity is terminally damaged for not taking the apocalypse seriously until it had metastasized.

 

[g5000]

Divorcée Michelle Obama decides Trump is wounded badly enough for her to challenge him for the 2020 Democratic nomination. Trump immediately tweets:

When a reporter asks Ms. Obama who she would appoint to the Supreme Court she says, “Look at me. Who do you think I will appoint?”

Fox News explains to their viewership this means Mooshelle would appoint a transgender negro.

Meanwhile, in the Republican camp, Ted Cruz sails to an easy nomination by promising to abolish the IRS, a ten percent flat tax, repealing the Dodd-Frank Act, drastically reducing federal regulations, opposing TPP, a balanced budget amendment to the Constitution, eliminating the EPA, opposing ethanol mandates, walking away from Trump’s nuclear deal with Iran, erasing America’s signature from the Paris climate accords, ramping up our military strength, ensuring Muslim communities are closely monitored, carpet bomb ISIS, ending Syrian refugee immigration, appoint pro-life judges to the Supreme Court, audit the Federal Reserve, allow bakers their religious freedom to not make wedding cakes for fags, promote and protect the Second Amendment, and in the immortal words of John McCain, “Drill baby, drill”.

Trump responds to these very conservative policies:

Trump also begins claiming to the sea of blue MGA hats at his rallies that the Deep State is going to rig the election to defeat him.

Then one day in Minneapolis, four policemen execute a petty counterfeiter and BLM protests explode all over the planet. Businesses are burned to the ground, police cars are destroyed, federal buildings and churches are damaged, and things don’t cool down until Donald Trump holds a special BLM-only rally so he can “listen and learn”. But he fucks it up and stands by his claim the Central Park Five were “guilty as sin” and should have been executed.

The riots resume in earnest and Ted Cruz ends up receiving a historical 20 percent of the black vote, breaking through the vaunted Blue Wall, and this is enough to push him over the line to win the 2020 election.

Donald Trump refuses to concede, claiming the election was stolen by massive Republican fraud all across the nation, even though the same ballots provided yuge gains for the Democrats in the House and Senate.

On January 6, 2021 as Vice President Nancy Pelosi attempts to certify the election, Trump holds a rally in the front yard and charges Antifa and BLM to fight. The mob moves on the Capitol and injures more than 150 Capitol police while shouting “Kill Kevin McCarthy!” and “Hang Nancy Pelosi!” while Trump watches it all unfold on his TV, refusing to take action to stop them.

Some of the members of the mob smear their own shit on the walls of the Capitol.

This provides sweet, sweet fodder for Fox News for months afterward.

Several congressional offices are trashed, and as the mob approaches the last barrier to the House chamber, African-American Bashli Abbott is shot and killed by a white police officer as she surmounts the barricade.

Before the sun has set, MSNBC is claiming the insurrection was organized by the FBI and the Oath Keepers.

In later weeks, Chris Matthews cobbles together a special documentary “proving” the insurrection was spearheaded by Proud Boys planted in the crowd and that they were funded by the Koch Brothers.

The certification is only delayed for a few hours and on January 20, 2021 Ted Cruz is sworn in as the 46th president of the United States.

 

[Meathead]

In 2008, as the world economy is collapsing during the Bush regime, Illinois Senator Barack Obama defeats Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination for President.

Everywhere Obama goes, the clean and articulate black messiah is treated like a rock star. Meanwhile, the Republican nominee, Arizona Senator John McCain, seems ill-equipped to deal with the financial crisis and the additional burden of being a member of the same party as George Bush weighs him down like an anchor.

To boost his popularity, McCain picks Alaskan MILF Sarah Palin as his running mate, but she is not quite brainy enough to get him over the hump.

And then, suddenly out of nowhere, with two weeks to go until the election, a ten-year-old audio recording surfaces of a back-and-forth between Barack Obama and Billy Bush.

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: "I moved on her actually. You know she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I'll admit it. I did try and fuck her, she was married."

Billy Bush: "That's huge news there."

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: "Yeah that's her with the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I'm automatically attracted to beautiful... I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star they let you do it. You can do anything."

Billy Bush: "Whatever you want."

Barack HUSSEIN Obama: "Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything."


During his on-air apoplectic screaming shit fit over the recording of Obama, a blood vessel in Sean Hannity’s brain ruptures and his right eye pops out of his head and he is rushed to the hospital.

Alan Colmes spends the rest of the hour trying to spin the conversation between Obama and Bush as harmless “locker room talk”.

As a result of the tape, Obama plunges in the polls and John McCain is elected with 60 million votes to Obama’s 23 million.

Obama quickly fades into obscurity with occasional paid appearances at various auditoriums and mall openings.

Hillary's ass, though corpulent, was not of Michelle's proportions. This suggests Obama would not boink her.

 

[Man of Ethics]

I don't think we have had a President who has not killed civilians in over a century.

Agree 100%.

Bu John McCain killed civilians personally. Not as a commander.

 

[g5000]

Agree 100%.

Bu John McCain killed civilians personally. Not as a commander.

Yes, we had a veteran run for office. Shocking! Unheard of!

paging Dan Crenshaw...

 

[Man of Ethics]

Yes, we had a veteran run for office. Shocking! Unheard of!

During Vietnam war, most civilian losses were due to American Aviation. John Kerry was in infantry.

 

[g5000]

During Vietnam war, most civilian losses were due to American Aviation. John Kerry was in infantry.

So?

How is there a difference between WHEN you kill civilians?

FDR bombed the shit out of Dresden. Truman nuked Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Nixon repeatedly bombed Hanoi. Clinton blew up a hospital. Bush, Obama and Trump incurred massive civilian casualties with drone strikes.

McCain was a piker compared to those men. And it is not like any civilians he MAY have killed were deliberate.

Christ man, you sound like Hanoi Jane.