Merlin1047
Senior Member
The Twelve Days of Christmas
DAY ONE:
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
DAY TWO:
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle
doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too
adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
DAY THREE:
My Dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, but I
must insist-you've been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
DAY FOUR:
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.
Love,
Violet
DAY FIVE:
Dear Bob,
What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you
the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
DAY SIX:
Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the birds
again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep
them? The neighbors are complaining, rightfully so, and it is impossible to
sleep through this racket.
Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
DAY SEVEN:
Bob,
What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming?
What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and
they never stop with the racket.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
DAY EIGHT:
OK Pal!!!
WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING
HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND
BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.
JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.
DAY NINE:
LISTEN SHITHEAD!!!
YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD
AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS
ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE
STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS HAVE
STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.
UP YOURS!!!
DAY TEN:
YOU ROTTEN PRICK!!!
NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG. NOW
THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS
TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT!!!
THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO
GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE!!!
I MEAN IT, BY GOD!
DAY ELEVEN:
LISTEN FUCKHEAD!!!!
NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO
ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES." THEY TOOK THOSE
BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND--AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT
AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY. THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW
AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED
PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY
TV.
FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED
TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET
YOU!!!!
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!
MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN
DAY TWELVE:
LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet
Monica Habershan. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach
Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight!
DAY ONE:
Dearest Bob,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Violet
DAY TWO:
Dearest Bob,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle
doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too
adorable.
My everlasting love,
Violet
DAY THREE:
My Dear Bob,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, but I
must insist-you've been too, too kind.
All my love,
Violet
DAY FOUR:
Dear Bob,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE
beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too
romantic.
Love,
Violet
DAY FIVE:
Dear Bob,
What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings.
One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you
the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on my nerves.
Affectionately,
Violet
DAY SIX:
Bob,
Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were
actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the birds
again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep
them? The neighbors are complaining, rightfully so, and it is impossible to
sleep through this racket.
Now let this be the end of this.
Cordially,
Violet
DAY SEVEN:
Bob,
What the hell's with you and these fucking birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming?
What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and
they never stop with the racket.
Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.
Sincerely,
Violet
DAY EIGHT:
OK Pal!!!
WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE GODDAMN BIRDS! THE GODDAMN MAIDS-A-MILKING
HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAMN COWS. THERE IS COW SHIT ALL OVER MY LAWN AND
BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET.
JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, SMARTASS.
DAY NINE:
LISTEN SHITHEAD!!!
YOU'RE A SADISTIC BASTARD! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD
AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW SHIT. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS
ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE
STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE GODDAMN SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS HAVE
STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.
UP YOURS!!!
DAY TEN:
YOU ROTTEN PRICK!!!
NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS
"LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE GODDAMN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG. NOW
THE GODDAMN COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS
TURNED TO A RIVER OF SHIT!!!
THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO
GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.
I'M CALLING THE POLICE!!!
I MEAN IT, BY GOD!
DAY ELEVEN:
LISTEN FUCKHEAD!!!!
NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO
ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES." THEY TOOK THOSE
BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND--AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT
AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY. THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW
AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED
PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY
TV.
FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE GODDAMN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED
TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET
YOU!!!!
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FUCKING FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!
MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN
DAY TWELVE:
LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers
drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet
Monica Habershan. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach
Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight!
