Who's funnier????

[LuckyDan]

Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog, has a problem."

Dr. Saul says, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty. "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said fetch, not kvetch"

 

[Luissa]

What do you call a gay dinosour?



















































amegasoreass

(FYI My gay friend told me that one)

 

[WillowTree]

Of all the lame panssy assed threads I have seen this seem to be limpest one of all.

And it is not even in the humor category.

Pathetic peckernecks.

yer looking down ain't ya?

 

[Misty]

I think the funniest person is one who's not trying to be funny but says something true and something that makes you laugh out loud.

I can't say for sure who that is right now.

I can help with that, it's me.

 

[Ringel05]

 

[Cuyo]

What did the little kids mom say to Michael Jackson on the beach?


















Get out of my son.

 

[Rambunctious]

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and said, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

 

[Cuyo]

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Marine, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is my Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

 

[Oddball]

So...

Descartes goes to a cocktail party...He's walking around the room when a server comes up to him with a tray of drinks.

The server asks if he would like a glass of wine.

He says; "I think not".

Descartes then vanishes into thin air.

I toldja I only know the groaners.

 

[☭proletarian☭]

Someone had a little trouble understanding a post I made and went off on a" Lassie did timmy fall in the well bit" that started funny, but quickly turned into gibberish even more confounding than my own .

So you admit your posts are confounding gibberish?


Good. That's step one.

 

[☭proletarian☭]

You're a Hack, right?

 

[Liability]

Of all the lame panssy assed threads I have seen this seem to be limpest one of all.

And it is not even in the humor category.

Pathetic peckernecks.

If uscitzen was on Air Force One with the Obamas when it went down....now that would be priceless.

Not something you see every day:

ADDING something worthless makes something priceless.

 

[Baruch Menachem]

A traveling salesman stops at a farm house during a storm and asks for shelter. the old farmer gives him a room in the attic and he gets a good nights sleep.

The next morning he comes down and sees there has been a flood, and the house is surrounded by water. As he watches, he sees a hat drifting along in the stream. The hat gets to the edge of the property and all the sudden turns around and goes the other way.
The hat drifts along to the other end of the property, and then turns around again and heads the other way.

The salesman asks the farmer's daughter what is the story with the hat
"That is just grandpa mowing the lawn. He promised he would do it today, come hell or high water."

 

[☭proletarian☭]

Of all the lame panssy assed threads I have seen this seem to be limpest one of all.

And it is not even in the humor category.

Pathetic peckernecks.

If uscitzen was on Air Force One with the Obamas when it went down....now that would be priceless.

Not something you see every day:

ADDING something worthless makes something priceless.

Add ink to a piece of scrap paper and you can sell it online for a million dollars.

 

[Liability]

If uscitzen was on Air Force One with the Obamas when it went down....now that would be priceless.

Not something you see every day:

ADDING something worthless makes something priceless.

Add ink to a piece of scrap paper and you can sell it online for a million dollars.

I doubt that, of course, but it is a pretty amusing thought.

People DO buy some pretty weird shit on-line.

 

[B L Zeebub]

A white horse walks into a bar and asks the barman for a whiskey on the rocks, the barman replies would you like the whiskey named after you?, the horse replies, yes please and make it a double Brian on the rocks.

 

[Rambunctious]

You don't have to be faster than the mountain lion, just faster than the guy your with!

 

[California Girl]

Most of the time when I log on to this board I can find objection to something someone is posting and at times some threads can get a bit angry. Many times however the person I'm arguing a point with says something funny and I leave the board laughing. Mostly I end up laughing at something that was said at my expense.

My point is that there are a lot of funny people on this board, so lets have your best jokes. Lets see who's funnier, Democrats Republicans or Independents. State your Party affiliation and post your best joke.

Lets give it a try.

A Buddhist walks up to a hot-dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything". He then pays the vendor and asks for change. The vendor says, "change comes from within".

I thought it came with a side order of hope, from the Messiah. Oh well, I live and learn.

 

[manifold]

Most of the time when I log on to this board I can find objection to something someone is posting and at times some threads can get a bit angry. Many times however the person I'm arguing a point with says something funny and I leave the board laughing. Mostly I end up laughing at something that was said at my expense.

My point is that there are a lot of funny people on this board, so lets have your best jokes. Lets see who's funnier, Democrats Republicans or Independents. State your Party affiliation and post your best joke.

Lets give it a try.

Dante walks into a bar with a duck on his head.

"Can I help you?" says the bartender.

"Yeah, can you get this liberal's head out of my ass?" says the duck.

 

[Nosmo King]

A young lieutenant, fresh from West Point reported to his first post. Following his orders, he reported first to his new commanding officer.

"Lieutenant! I want you to understand our schedule here at this post! On Monday, all troops report to the firing range for target practice!

The Lieutenant replied. "Colonel sir, I joined the Army for the educational benefits. I'm a pacifist at heart and don't believe in firearms."

The Colonel was shaken but continued. "On Tuesdays, all troops fall in for the Obstacle Course and rigorous physical training!"

"I am on a low impact aerobics program sir, so I will be in the post library on Tuesdays." said the Lieutenant.

Flustered but determined, the Colonel said, "On Wednesdays, all troops report to the Parade Grounds for marching and drilling!"

"Colonel, sir, I have never been a big believer in that mind numbing gerbel-like activity of marching and drilling. So, I'll do my personal shopping on Wednesdays."

"Well, Lieutenant, on Thursdays all troops are released from duty! We go into town and get righteously drunk and chase women!"

"With all due respect, sir, I don't drink and I believe women don't deserve to be accosted by drunken soldiers. I'll report to the office and do any filing necessary on Thursdays."

"Good God man! Are you some kind of fairy or something?" demanded the Colonel.

"No sir! I'm straight as an arrow, sir!"

"Well," said the Colonel, "You aren't going to like Fridays here that much either!"