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With New Moon likely to make yet another metric fuckload of money this weekend we need to find the bright side to the entire Twilight mania. There must be something good that comes from this awful Mormon fantasy that seems to have invaded our culture on every front. That something is the eventual movie version of Breaking Dawn.
Even though New Moon has made a bazillion dollars and even though the third Twilight book, Eclipse, is already filming, Summit has declined to announce the fourth and final Twilight book as a movie. There's a good reason for this: Breaking Dawn is completely fucking insane, and it is probably totally unfilmable. But if they do film it... man, we are in for a treat.
Ha. Even Twilight fans don't want to see that movie made, that's how fucking awful it is.
I wish someone would punch Stephenie Meyer in the throat for that abortion of literature.
The whole series or that book specifically?
Both, but that book is beyond comprehension. First, it's told from two different perspectives (Jacob and then Bella). Second, Bella gets pregnant by a vampire, and her baby grows at an abnormal rate before clawing its way out of the womb. Then, when the baby is born, Jacob falls in love with it. So, we have demonic babies and pedophilia, and this is a book that won children's book of the year. It's seriously fucked up.
The story is all over the fucking place, and the writing style is just horrendous. Meyer lacks imagination and she lacks the ability to describe what is going on without sounding like a complete moron.
Yes, everything in that is absolutely 100% correct, as fucked up as it sounds. Edward literally fucks Bella unconscious. The baby literally breaks Bella's ribs from inside the womb. Edward literally gives Bella a C-section with his teeth.
The B-side of the story is that the Volturri come looking for the baby. They think it is an abomination and they want to kill it. So the whole fucking book builds up to what should be an awesome battle between the good vampires and the werewolves against the bad vampires. And, in the end, it turns out that there are other abominations like Renesmee (Yes, that's the baby's name, but Jacob calls her "Nessie," and yes, there's a reference to the Loch Ness monster). So the Volturri grow soft and instead of a giant fucking off battle, they all meet on the field of battle to talk for 100 pages and then leave.
Oh, and every vampire has a special "power." When Bella is turned into a vampire, her power is the ability to protect people with an imaginary bubble.
I bet you think I'm making this up. And I wish I was.
Yes, everything in that is absolutely 100% correct, as fucked up as it sounds. Edward literally fucks Bella unconscious. The baby literally breaks Bella's ribs from inside the womb. Edward literally gives Bella a C-section with his teeth.
The B-side of the story is that the Volturri come looking for the baby. They think it is an abomination and they want to kill it. So the whole fucking book builds up to what should be an awesome battle between the good vampires and the werewolves against the bad vampires. And, in the end, it turns out that there are other abominations like Renesmee (Yes, that's the baby's name, but Jacob calls her "Nessie," and yes, there's a reference to the Loch Ness monster). So the Volturri grow soft and instead of a giant fucking off battle, they all meet on the field of battle to talk for 100 pages and then leave.
Oh, and every vampire has a special "power." When Bella is turned into a vampire, her power is the ability to protect people with an imaginary bubble.
I bet you think I'm making this up. And I wish I was.
Reading that makes me think I could be a successful author.
Reading the books made me wish I was illiterate.
Reading the books made me wish I was illiterate.
Make a time machine for the sole purpose of going back in time to make yourself not read the books. Therefore, creating a time paradox.
If I made a time machine, I'd go back in time and abortion Stephene Meyer, saving humanity from this god awful plague of art.
I wish J. K. Rowling would challenge Stephenie Meyer to a death match. Each writes 100 pages of text, and we get to vote on who's better. The loser dies.
Or in a surprise twist, they both do for partaking in the challenge in the first place.
Whoa whoa whoa, don't you dare try to kill J. K. Rowling. I'll stab you in the face. >_<
I was trying to point out that Rowling deserves the hype her books get, because they are incredibly well written. Meyer, on the other hand, is no where near Rowling's league.
Wow, in a pathetic attempt to milk the series, they are actually talking about making Breaking Dawn in TWO MOVIES.
Now, the reason this is being doing with Harry Potter is because there is so much in the last book that it can't be done in even a 3 hour film.
Breaking Dawn, however, doesn't have enough story to fill ONE movie, much less two. This series is so fucking pathetic.
lol...jon you are cracking me up.
My wife is a twilight fanatic.
Can you please do a little rant on breaking dawn so I have material to fire at her...she says its the best one out of them all and she says thereis plenty of material to do 2 movies.
I wouldn't know I think the movies suck and refuse to even open the books. She is obviously biased, she is a twilight fanatic.
Don't ask me why
she says its the best one out of them all and she says thereis plenty of material to do 2 movies.
