Relationship Discussions Thread

[Joz]

If you marry a person who decides to shut out sex after marriage and they in no way will go for couseling or any kind help in this area then their partner should proabably decide if they can live with that without going outside the marriage, if not get a divorce or an anullment. Just like that would be the answer in cases of abuse, infidelity etc.

As couples age yes the sex is less frequent but they still do have it and want it especially if they are closely married. You are right though older couples do find other ways of expressing closeness as should younger couples.

Im not clear about your last comment though?

I was aggravated.
You have given some very good solutions.

 

[manu1959]

Alot of couples get married for the wrong reasons. Do you know that about 65% marry the person they do because their 'family or friends' like the person? We go on feelings (which are good) sometimes more than what is in actuality. How many times a woman has married thinking ,"oh, when wer'e married, he'll change. He'll change for me because he l-o-v-e-s me". She becomes a nag & he resents her for not accepting him for who/what he is.

i am sure would agree that people such as those you describe are stupid....i would guess they put more effort into buying a car...getting married is the scond most important decission you will make in life ....people should put some effort into the decission process...

 

[Joz]

But people do change; but not at others' request. What I believed I wanted when I was 23 is not what I believe I 'need' at age (gulp) 32.

Same goes for my spouse - she's not exactly opposite of who she was when we wed - but she has changed her views on things about marriage, intimacy, and junk and stuff...or whatever.

Yes, people DO change. We're suppose to change, grow. But as a loving spouse we are to adapt to that change. A relationship is to ebb & flow; and sometimes the sea gets real rough, but you ride the waves to calmer water.

 

[manu1959]

Yes, people DO change. We're suppose to change, grow. But as a loving spouse we are to adapt to that change. A relationship is to ebb & flow; and sometimes the sea gets real rough, but you ride the waves to calmer water.

well said but the success of this is also dependant on how far apart the two of you were in the first place....the less common ground you have to reatreat to.... the harder finding the calm seas will be....

 

[Joz]

I feel like I'm reading a chinese proverb now...lol

essplain? help?

You got the hots for this sweet young thing, but she doesn't have the same values as you do, so you pass her by.

The other girl has the same beliefs, morals values, and you have a few 'feelings' towards her.

Which is the right choice?

 

[manu1959]

You got the hots for this sweet young thing, but she doesn't have the same values as you do, so you pass her by.

The other girl has the same beliefs, morals values, and you have a few 'feelings' towards her.

Which is the right choice?

how olde am I and have i been to russia yet?

 

[Bonnie]

Yes, people DO change. We're suppose to change, grow. But as a loving spouse we are to adapt to that change. A relationship is to ebb & flow; and sometimes the sea gets real rough, but you ride the waves to calmer water.

And there is a very definite difference when someone outright lies or misrepresents themselves before marriage then changes after to those who before getting married really get to know eachother by being totally honest about where they stand on everything. Small or larger changes are easily adapted to if both partners love each other enough to make adjustments, but sometimes the larger problems are just not solvable.

 

[Nienna]

You got the hots for this sweet young thing, but she doesn't have the same values as you do, so you pass her by.

The other girl has the same beliefs, morals values, and you have a few 'feelings' towards her.

Which is the right choice?

One would hope to find a person who has both beliefs/morals in common with you, as well as "the hots." But once you're actually IN the amrriage, I think the right thing to do is stick it out, and PRAY!

 

[manu1959]

And there is a very definite difference when someone outright lies or misrepresents themselves before marriage then changes after to those who before getting married really get to know eachother by being totally honest about where they stand on everything. Small or larger changes are easily adapted to if both partners love each other enough to make adjustments, but sometimes the larger problems are just not solvable.

well said....but if you date long enough.....won't you find most of this out?

 

[Bonnie]

You got the hots for this sweet young thing, but she doesn't have the same values as you do, so you pass her by.

The other girl has the same beliefs, morals values, and you have a few 'feelings' towards her.

Which is the right choice?

Maybe neither one??
Why settle? Find someone that is compatable with you on many levels and turns you on big time. Just a thought?

 

[Bonnie]

well said....but if you date long enough.....won't you find most of this out?

You would think so wouldn't you. But I can tell you from personal experience that there are some very diabolical people out there that only care about a person as a conquest, and keep very important secrets to themselves knowing if you knew you would do the right thing and leave them before the marriage. Makes great reasons for anullments.

 

[Joz]

Maybe neither one??
Why settle? Find someone that is compatable with you on many levels and turns you on big time. Just a thought?

I couldn't agree, more.

But what if you're getting pressured by family or firends? What happens when insecurity rears it's ugly head and I begin to think that if I pass this one up, I'll be alone the rest of my life? This may be my one chance.

 

[archangel]

I don't think it is necessarily bad unless your in a marriage with someone you love and who is a willing and passionate person...because when you do that instead of being with your partner your shutting them out, also if your looking at other women it can make your partner feel very inadaquit even if they don't say so, most are afraid of seeming too jealous, I have counsled women on this and usually I recommend a book called the Centerfold Complex which talks about the dangers of men going outside the marriage for sexual fullfillment, even if it's just emotionally or mentally.

This is a funny topic...all I can add is that in my golden years is that:Sex is like eating icecream...taste very good but melts fast..I'm more into the kids,camping,fishing,boating and occassionally flying..alot more work,however it does tend to last longer...lol :happy2:

 

[dmp]

You got the hots for this sweet young thing, but she doesn't have the same values as you do, so you pass her by.

The other girl has the same beliefs, morals values, and you have a few 'feelings' towards her.

Which is the right choice?

Touché, my friend....Touché.

 

[Bonnie]

I couldn't agree, more.

But what if you're getting pressured by family or firends? What happens when insecurity rears it's ugly head and I begin to think that if I pass this one up, I'll be alone the rest of my life? This may be my one chance.

Family and friends are never agood reason to marry someone, after all you the one that has to wake up with that person everyday the don't.

 

[dmp]

Maybe neither one??
Why settle? Find someone that is compatable with you on many levels and turns you on big time. Just a thought?

Bingo. Lessons Learned.

 

[Joz]

You would think so wouldn't you. But I can tell you from personal experience that there are some very diabolical people out there that only care about a person as a conquest, and keep very important secrets to themselves knowing if you knew you would do the right thing and leave them before the marriage. Makes great reasons for anullments.

This is exactly why I'm wary of internet relationships. People can be anything they want in this situation. Bonnie is a prime example of being mislead. The other side is Scott Peterson. I've known several marriages to end shortlly after the "I do's" for this very reason.

I was told that in 6 months you should know whether you want to carry the relationship to the next level or end it. It's a pretty good standard of measure.

So, if I decide I like this person well enough to continue, how long should I date?

 

[manu1959]

You would think so wouldn't you. But I can tell you from personal experience that there are some very diabolical people out there that only care about a person as a conquest, and keep very important secrets to themselves knowing if you knew you would do the right thing and leave them before the marriage. Makes great reasons for anullments.

my wife's starter husband was like that....all i can say is i am glad i kissed a lot of frogs and waited till i was 35 to get married and untill i was 38 to have kids

 

[Bonnie]

This is exactly why I'm wary of internet relationships. People can be anything they want in this situation. Bonnie is a prime example of being mislead. The other side is Scott Peterson. I've known several marriages to end shortlly after the "I do's" for this very reason.

I was told that in 6 months you should know whether you want to carry the relationship to the next level or end it. It's a pretty good standard of measure.

So, if I decide I like this person well enough to continue, how long should I date?

There is a geat book called "Date or Soulmate" by Dr Neil Clark Warren it's more than just pop psychology, very good quick read for anyone who might be having doubt about compatability.

And I should add that i dated that person for five years, I should have figured it out. Thank God for anullments!!

 

[dmp]

I find Internet relationships - even those not romantic - to be more-often-than-not fairly safe...Couple of reasons:

1) People tend to be MORE honest and Open online...there are things I've said to people here I'd not say to people I see face-to-face...for better or worse.

2) It's easy for me to keep my Male SuperModel status hidden from the droves of women who'd otherwise be beating down my door.