Ouija Omen: Dialing for an Anti-Hero

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Abishai100, Sep 22, 2018.

  1. Abishai100

    Abishai100 VIP Member

    Sep 22, 2013
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    This is a vigilantism-omen spoof inspired by the films Kick-Ass, Mystery Men, and Little Nicky.

    Signing off,



    A Catholic nun named Eileen started praying on a Ouija board when she realized that the modern world was filled with overbearing and nearly-invisible evil. It was many years after WWII, but there was a new 'menace' in the atmosphere, one characterized by traffic-subversion (e.g., 9/11), urban anarchy (e.g., Los Angeles Race Riots), narcotics (e.g., Mexico/Russia), and political corruption (e.g., Clinton-Lewinsky). Eileen understood that humanity needed some kind of super anti-hero who would bring messages of the clarity of both light and darkness. You see, Eileen perceived that the AntiChrist was about to ascend to Earth and humanity needed more than the archangel Michael to deal with 'pedestrian hysteria.' Humanity needed someone like Abaddon, 'keeper' of the bottomless pit of darkness.


    Someone heard Eileen's prayer. She was suddenly pregnant and conceived a son named Damien, who turned out to be the human-manifestation of Abaddon. Damien ended up studying at private-school where he analyzed sociological patterns that gave rise to urban anarchy and civics disarray and new age 'ghouls' such as Black Mask, ISIS, and Cobra who were subtly more 'eerie' than even Adolf Hitler or Pontius Pilate. Damien began training to become a 'vigilante.'


    Damien fell in love with a Manhattan prostitute named Hanna, who reminded him that love was more powerful than darkness. However, Damien remained focused on his vigilante crusade against new age evils, just as his mother Eileen hoped. He had Hanna move in with Eileen while he trained to deal with these new age maladies and evils. Damien decided to become a 'crusader' named Iceman, and he kept a painting of Hanna he made wit him.


    The new world was something like a circus. There was invisible vice and the quieted frustrations of bureaucratic-rage. A gang in LA comprised of psychos/anarchists dressed in baseball uniforms and painted faces, calling themselves 'batmen' rose to ominous prominence and preyed on the homeless. Damien perceived, just as his mother did, that the AntiChrist would emerge soon and claim a strange throne which would enable him to 'market' pride and wrath. Damien decided that these 'batmen' were simply signs of a terrible modern malady.


    Damien traveled to Chicago where a ruthless underworld drug-lord named Kingpin was establishing profitable and corrupt ties to politicians and dealers in South America, Canada, and elsewhere. Kingpin was the new Al Capone but he was worse, since cops thought his olive-oil import business, which he used as a 'cover', was completely legitimate. Kingpin, Damien discovered, was secretly funding the 'batmen' in LA.


    Damien also learned of two terrorist groups, ISIS and Cobra, emerging in the Middle East and Eastern Europe. These anti-civilization fanatics wanted to destroy sacred 'commerce/capitalism monuments' such as the World Trade Center, EuroDisney, and the Kremlin. Damien also correctly guessed that Cobra was tied to Satanic cults in NYC which catered to bizarre forms of rage-oriented rituals...including cannibalism. The CIA assembled a makeshift-unit of terrorism-infiltrators known as 'G.I. Joes' to dismantle ISIS/Cobra, but the Joes had a very difficult time. The Joes needed a real 'mechanic-genius.' Would Damien be the 'revolutionary' his mother prayed for?


    Damien also learned that various science organizations across North America and Europe, including the prestigious Oscorp, were experimenting with bizarre genetic mutations designed to create hybridized slave-like 'super-soldiers' but were instead generating mutant-freaks which would break out of their cells and pour out into the streets as real Godzillas. Damien concluded that this modern world would continue to engender various kinds of 'insanity' unless he offered some real dose of 'illumination.'


    One of the freak-mutations Oscorp generated was a mentally-warped 'leviathan' named Gray Goblin who kidnapped a real-life superhero named Spider-Man. Gray Goblin exposed to the world that Spider-Man was actually the media-celebrity Tom Cruise who was trying to 'cure' the modern world of its maladies by dressing up as a spiderweb-soaring 'crusader' and threatening crime syndicates and terrorists. However, Gray Goblin was too strong and menacing for even Cruise/Spider-Man, and he kidnapped Spider-Man and placed him in a cage in his lair. Now, it seemed, all hope was lost...


    Damien went inside his private chambers and began meditating about what he could do to save the Earth. He received a message/vision from a crow outside his window and decided to make an ink-blot painting of a crow in his private journal. The crow would be Damien's muse/inspiration, and Damien would use it to 'transform' himself into an 'angel.' Damien used the 'energy' of the crow to become a 'sentinel' of pure ice, intent on using the calming power of cold temperatures to bring humanity a great sign of restoration. The crow saved the day in a way by stimulating Damien. Even Eileen would have been proud...


    Damien called himself 'Iceman' and began sending political cartoons to the New Yorker, the London Times, the Sydney Gazette, and the Hong Kong Journal about the value of free-speech in the modern world of layered traffic-maladies including narcotics-trafficking, community violence, and political insanity. Damien/Iceman suggested that censorship was the greatest threat to a modern media which would otherwise facilitate idealistic 'commercial networking.' Iceman used his political cartoons to remind the world that free-speech was just like evangelism in modern civilization.


    The journalists began referring to Iceman (Damien) as the ultimate 'visionary.' Iceman became a folk-hero, and school-teachers told students he was the diametric opposite of the eerie Pied Piper of Hamelin who kidnapped children in a damned town in Germany. Iceman was like the real-life Peter Pan, and he gave people incredible ideas regarding the basic social value of uncensored talk about the undesirability of 'poor First World hygiene.'


    Damien/Iceman was given a special honorary 'silver-spirit shield' of liberty-defense by the United Nations and declared to be a new age 'imagineer.' Iceman wrote in his journal, "After reading the Christian Bible, I've learned that I'm like the 'keeper' of the bottomless pit known as Abaddon. Just like Abaddon, I possess a mighty shield which safeguards all sentient beings from the malevolent presence of 'ethics-rape.' Damien presented the shield to his wife (Hanna) and mother (Eileen) who kept it as a 'miracle-souvenir.'


    TRUMP: Damien/Iceman is like the Messiah!
    CARTER: Well, maybe he's not Jesus or Spider-Man, but he's certainly a crusader.
    TRUMP: Iceman has offered the modern world a dose of fresh air.
    CARTER: Yes, he's managed to 'shape' social networks.
    TRUMP: I wonder if Damien is like Abaddon...
    CARTER: The 'keeper' of the bottomless pit described in the Bible?
    TRUMP: Precisely, Carter; Damien/Iceman understands 'society ugliness.'
    CARTER: I read a rumor/folk-tale that his mother 'prayed' for his birth/inception.
    TRUMP: Yes, I read that too; his Catholic mother (a former nun) named Eileen.
    CARTER: Apparently, she used a Ouija-board to ask for a 'new age revolutionary.'
    TRUMP: Well, Damien/Iceman is certainly a lot like Thomas Nast or Eliot Ness.
    CARTER: He's a great 'communicator.'
    TRUMP: I wonder what would've happened if Damien was never born...
    CARTER: The world would've become some kind of a freak-show.
    TRUMP: Thank goodness for Ouija.


  2. Abishai100

    Abishai100 VIP Member

    Sep 22, 2013
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    Chapter 2: The Art Security

    This is a second chapter about the 'metaphysics' of 'subculture-marketing,' and it's inspired by The Monuments Men.



    Well, as it came to pass, another individual decided to use a Ouija-board to wish for the inception of another kind of civilization 'super-hero.' This Ouija-player, an Algerian-American named Ajay Satan, wanted a harlequin-avenger to ensure that civilization would not forget about the miracle of Damien/Iceman and make sure that no other kinds of nefarious criminals arose to prominence. Ajay had reason to worry, since there were some real weirdos running around after the media simply 'deified' the heroism of Iceman, prompting criminals to do some anti-social mischief. What would Ajay's Ouija-prayer bring? Ajay was a hippie/liberal who always wore a bandana, since it brought him good luck.


    Ajay played Ouija for an entire weekend and kept praying for this 'harlequin-vigilante' to serve as a modern civilization 'cop.' Ajay wanted this 'anti-hero' to be some kind of a 'handsome prophet' too. However, the Ouija-realm had already granted Eileen her wish, so it was uncertain what kind of hero Ajay's prayer would bring. However, Ajay Satan remained hopeful and kept praying on his Ouija board that weekend.


    Ajay's prayer was answered...somewhat. A harlequin-vigilante did indeed ascend to Earth, and his name was 'The Crow.' However, Ajay's Ouija-prayer was also heard by a demonic underworld 'Devil's Advocate' named Pinhead who also ascended to Earth to challenge the Crow. The Crow was the ultimate bishop of vigilance, while Pinhead was an anarchist and mayhem-philosopher. The Crow and Pinhead were unleashed upon the world, and Ajay Satan watched with great interest.


    CROW: It seems we're rivals, Pinhead!
    PINHEAD: You will lose, Crow...
    CROW: No way; I have faith on my side.
    PINHEAD: I have darkness on mine.
    CROW: Let's invest in comic books and see who can hype them more.
    PINHEAD: Oh, a 'marketing challenge' for consumerism, eh?
    CROW: Precisely; are you knowledgeable about capitalism?
    PINHEAD: I understand it's a system of sectors and profits.
    CROW: Never underestimate the 'aesthetics of markets.'
    PINHEAD: Well, who should we 'market' from comics?
    CROW: Let's try to hype Kingpin (Marvel Comics), a fat-cat tycoon.
    PINHEAD: Kingpin surely symbolizes commerce piracy!
    CROW: We'll see who can make Kingpin a 'diplomat.'
    PINHEAD: Challenge accepted.


    As Crow and Pinhead traveled to Vegas and donned the bodies of two Japanese businessmen playing at a casino while selling Kingpin comics as signs of new age capitalism-patriotism and detractors of anti-Western terrorism (they were trying to be 'priests' after all), the two discovered that a crime-fighter named Arrow was tracking a mask-wearing sociopath named Ed who also traveled to Vegas to plan some kind of shooting or terrorism. Arrow insisted that Ed was no prophet and simply a savage maniac and wanted to stop him with his sedative-tipped soft-arrows before Ed could plant explosives in Caesar's Palace or shoot patrons/tourists at the casino. Crow and Pinhead observed Arrow tracking Ed, and when Arrow noticed the two 'observers' as Japanese merchants/diplomats, he insisted they not distract him from his 'top-secret mission.' Ed showed up wearing a bizarre silk-mask. Arrow was ready.


    The casino-floor at Caesar's was full of color, drama, and fun. There were a few celebrities there, including actor Dennis Quaid, and when Ed showed up trying to create a stir, claiming his slot-machine was broken, Arrow jumped in (dressed as an 'archer-vaudevillian') insisting that he was Ed's 'psychiatrist.' Crow and Pinhead started laughing, realizing this cat-and-mouse drama represented new age civilization angst regarding the 'labyrinths' of profiteerism. Crow knew that if Arrow did not desist Ed, then Pinhead would exploit the dangerous conditions to make a hellish anarchy at the casino. However, Arrow managed to drag Ed away, and Crow proudly stated to Pinhead, "It seems that vigilance has prevailed over pure mischief!"


    When celebrity Dennis Quaid noticed all this drama at Caesar's, he told his two Hollywood female-friends Lori Loughlin and Katie Holmes. He suggested that the three of them make a situation dramedy set at Caesar's Palace and perhaps directed by iconic psychology-sardonist Woody Allen. Allen agreed to make the film, which was titled Caesar's Champion. It was a box-office hit, and Crow told Pinhead, "Even though Loughlin and Holmes are essentially shallow 'dolls', their new film symbolizes capitalism-imagination and casino-folklore, so I've won this modernism-debate with you about fairy-tales...and Kingpin (Marvel Comics) certainly symbolizes idealism towards fortune storytelling in civilization!"


    Pinhead felt frustrated, since he recognized that Crow was right about Woody Allen's film capturing all the new age 'drama' and idealism towards casino/capitalism-oriented imagination and folklore and even comedy. Allen's film depicted Quaid as Arrow dealing with the sociopath Ed at Caesar's while Loughlin and Holmes were two journalists who fell in love with the crime-fighter. Pinhead confessed that Americans were entertaining their optimistic attitudes towards the 'thrill' of fortune-themed storytelling, but Pinhead insisted that capitalism was still filled with enough 'fortune-paranoia' to warrant some rather odd folk-tales about being 'carried-away' into the realms of indulgence. Was Pinhead right?


    Crow decided he'd won the overall contest and returned to his realm where his beautiful angel-wife Helen (twin sister of Helen of Troy) was waiting for him. Crow took many photographs of Helen as she was posed around theatrical red-curtains signifying an imaginative appreciation of the theater. Crow arrayed these sensual and artistic photos so they would illuminate the mental fascination with the 'contours' of luxury. However, Crow wondered if Pinhead's omen about 'fortune-paranoia' reflected a real 'darkness' regarding pornography and exploitation. It didn't matter...for Ajay's prayers were truly answered.


    Crow decided to make a stick-figure rendering of Marvel Comics' Hobgoblin, while Pinhead decided to make a color-pencil rendering (rather crude) of Marvel Comics' Venom. Hobgoblin was a terrorist who symbolized angst towards urbanization, while Venom was a brute who symbolized fears regarding traffic securities in the modern world. Crow and Pinhead left these two 'doodles' with Ajay Satan who submitted them to the NY Post, claiming of course that they were his own. The drawings were such a hit, that Ajay was given a special fan-art award by the Whitney Museum, which was developing a new exhibit for pedestrianism-consumerism (and fan-art, fan-fics, and fan-collages). Ajay felt that the modern world of commerce-optimism and 'consumerism-marketing' was secured by the work of the valiant Crow who defeated the sinister challenge of the anarchistic Pinhead. Hobgoblin and Venom would be 'avatars' of 'toyland' chatter.


    TRUMP: I love this guy Ajay Satan!
    CARTER: Yes, his Hobgoblin/Venom doodles are popular.
    TRUMP: The Whitney made the doodles famous...
    CARTER: I wonder if Ajay is a Christian.
    TRUMP: Well, we can never know; he might be a Satanist!
    CARTER: Commerce makes room for all kinds of 'minds.'
    TRUMP: Ajay Satan has a 'beautiful mind.'
    CARTER: Hopefully, this will not prompt art-thieves to plan terrible heists.
    TRUMP: Yes, we don't want anti-urban terrorism to turn into anti-commerce theft.
    CARTER: Let's secure that precious-artworks room at Trump Tower.



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