- Sep 22, 2013
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This is a vigilantism-omen spoof inspired by the films Kick-Ass, Mystery Men, and Little Nicky.
Signing off,
====
A Catholic nun named Eileen started praying on a Ouija board when she realized that the modern world was filled with overbearing and nearly-invisible evil. It was many years after WWII, but there was a new 'menace' in the atmosphere, one characterized by traffic-subversion (e.g., 9/11), urban anarchy (e.g., Los Angeles Race Riots), narcotics (e.g., Mexico/Russia), and political corruption (e.g., Clinton-Lewinsky). Eileen understood that humanity needed some kind of super anti-hero who would bring messages of the clarity of both light and darkness. You see, Eileen perceived that the AntiChrist was about to ascend to Earth and humanity needed more than the archangel Michael to deal with 'pedestrian hysteria.' Humanity needed someone like Abaddon, 'keeper' of the bottomless pit of darkness.
Someone heard Eileen's prayer. She was suddenly pregnant and conceived a son named Damien, who turned out to be the human-manifestation of Abaddon. Damien ended up studying at private-school where he analyzed sociological patterns that gave rise to urban anarchy and civics disarray and new age 'ghouls' such as Black Mask, ISIS, and Cobra who were subtly more 'eerie' than even Adolf Hitler or Pontius Pilate. Damien began training to become a 'vigilante.'
Damien fell in love with a Manhattan prostitute named Hanna, who reminded him that love was more powerful than darkness. However, Damien remained focused on his vigilante crusade against new age evils, just as his mother Eileen hoped. He had Hanna move in with Eileen while he trained to deal with these new age maladies and evils. Damien decided to become a 'crusader' named Iceman, and he kept a painting of Hanna he made wit him.
The new world was something like a circus. There was invisible vice and the quieted frustrations of bureaucratic-rage. A gang in LA comprised of psychos/anarchists dressed in baseball uniforms and painted faces, calling themselves 'batmen' rose to ominous prominence and preyed on the homeless. Damien perceived, just as his mother did, that the AntiChrist would emerge soon and claim a strange throne which would enable him to 'market' pride and wrath. Damien decided that these 'batmen' were simply signs of a terrible modern malady.
Damien traveled to Chicago where a ruthless underworld drug-lord named Kingpin was establishing profitable and corrupt ties to politicians and dealers in South America, Canada, and elsewhere. Kingpin was the new Al Capone but he was worse, since cops thought his olive-oil import business, which he used as a 'cover', was completely legitimate. Kingpin, Damien discovered, was secretly funding the 'batmen' in LA.
Damien also learned of two terrorist groups, ISIS and Cobra, emerging in the Middle East and Eastern Europe. These anti-civilization fanatics wanted to destroy sacred 'commerce/capitalism monuments' such as the World Trade Center, EuroDisney, and the Kremlin. Damien also correctly guessed that Cobra was tied to Satanic cults in NYC which catered to bizarre forms of rage-oriented rituals...including cannibalism. The CIA assembled a makeshift-unit of terrorism-infiltrators known as 'G.I. Joes' to dismantle ISIS/Cobra, but the Joes had a very difficult time. The Joes needed a real 'mechanic-genius.' Would Damien be the 'revolutionary' his mother prayed for?
Damien also learned that various science organizations across North America and Europe, including the prestigious Oscorp, were experimenting with bizarre genetic mutations designed to create hybridized slave-like 'super-soldiers' but were instead generating mutant-freaks which would break out of their cells and pour out into the streets as real Godzillas. Damien concluded that this modern world would continue to engender various kinds of 'insanity' unless he offered some real dose of 'illumination.'
One of the freak-mutations Oscorp generated was a mentally-warped 'leviathan' named Gray Goblin who kidnapped a real-life superhero named Spider-Man. Gray Goblin exposed to the world that Spider-Man was actually the media-celebrity Tom Cruise who was trying to 'cure' the modern world of its maladies by dressing up as a spiderweb-soaring 'crusader' and threatening crime syndicates and terrorists. However, Gray Goblin was too strong and menacing for even Cruise/Spider-Man, and he kidnapped Spider-Man and placed him in a cage in his lair. Now, it seemed, all hope was lost...
Damien went inside his private chambers and began meditating about what he could do to save the Earth. He received a message/vision from a crow outside his window and decided to make an ink-blot painting of a crow in his private journal. The crow would be Damien's muse/inspiration, and Damien would use it to 'transform' himself into an 'angel.' Damien used the 'energy' of the crow to become a 'sentinel' of pure ice, intent on using the calming power of cold temperatures to bring humanity a great sign of restoration. The crow saved the day in a way by stimulating Damien. Even Eileen would have been proud...
Damien called himself 'Iceman' and began sending political cartoons to the New Yorker, the London Times, the Sydney Gazette, and the Hong Kong Journal about the value of free-speech in the modern world of layered traffic-maladies including narcotics-trafficking, community violence, and political insanity. Damien/Iceman suggested that censorship was the greatest threat to a modern media which would otherwise facilitate idealistic 'commercial networking.' Iceman used his political cartoons to remind the world that free-speech was just like evangelism in modern civilization.
The journalists began referring to Iceman (Damien) as the ultimate 'visionary.' Iceman became a folk-hero, and school-teachers told students he was the diametric opposite of the eerie Pied Piper of Hamelin who kidnapped children in a damned town in Germany. Iceman was like the real-life Peter Pan, and he gave people incredible ideas regarding the basic social value of uncensored talk about the undesirability of 'poor First World hygiene.'
Damien/Iceman was given a special honorary 'silver-spirit shield' of liberty-defense by the United Nations and declared to be a new age 'imagineer.' Iceman wrote in his journal, "After reading the Christian Bible, I've learned that I'm like the 'keeper' of the bottomless pit known as Abaddon. Just like Abaddon, I possess a mighty shield which safeguards all sentient beings from the malevolent presence of 'ethics-rape.' Damien presented the shield to his wife (Hanna) and mother (Eileen) who kept it as a 'miracle-souvenir.'
TRUMP: Damien/Iceman is like the Messiah!
CARTER: Well, maybe he's not Jesus or Spider-Man, but he's certainly a crusader.
TRUMP: Iceman has offered the modern world a dose of fresh air.
CARTER: Yes, he's managed to 'shape' social networks.
TRUMP: I wonder if Damien is like Abaddon...
CARTER: The 'keeper' of the bottomless pit described in the Bible?
TRUMP: Precisely, Carter; Damien/Iceman understands 'society ugliness.'
CARTER: I read a rumor/folk-tale that his mother 'prayed' for his birth/inception.
TRUMP: Yes, I read that too; his Catholic mother (a former nun) named Eileen.
CARTER: Apparently, she used a Ouija-board to ask for a 'new age revolutionary.'
TRUMP: Well, Damien/Iceman is certainly a lot like Thomas Nast or Eliot Ness.
CARTER: He's a great 'communicator.'
TRUMP: I wonder what would've happened if Damien was never born...
CARTER: The world would've become some kind of a freak-show.
TRUMP: Thank goodness for Ouija.
====
Signing off,
====
A Catholic nun named Eileen started praying on a Ouija board when she realized that the modern world was filled with overbearing and nearly-invisible evil. It was many years after WWII, but there was a new 'menace' in the atmosphere, one characterized by traffic-subversion (e.g., 9/11), urban anarchy (e.g., Los Angeles Race Riots), narcotics (e.g., Mexico/Russia), and political corruption (e.g., Clinton-Lewinsky). Eileen understood that humanity needed some kind of super anti-hero who would bring messages of the clarity of both light and darkness. You see, Eileen perceived that the AntiChrist was about to ascend to Earth and humanity needed more than the archangel Michael to deal with 'pedestrian hysteria.' Humanity needed someone like Abaddon, 'keeper' of the bottomless pit of darkness.
Someone heard Eileen's prayer. She was suddenly pregnant and conceived a son named Damien, who turned out to be the human-manifestation of Abaddon. Damien ended up studying at private-school where he analyzed sociological patterns that gave rise to urban anarchy and civics disarray and new age 'ghouls' such as Black Mask, ISIS, and Cobra who were subtly more 'eerie' than even Adolf Hitler or Pontius Pilate. Damien began training to become a 'vigilante.'
Damien fell in love with a Manhattan prostitute named Hanna, who reminded him that love was more powerful than darkness. However, Damien remained focused on his vigilante crusade against new age evils, just as his mother Eileen hoped. He had Hanna move in with Eileen while he trained to deal with these new age maladies and evils. Damien decided to become a 'crusader' named Iceman, and he kept a painting of Hanna he made wit him.
The new world was something like a circus. There was invisible vice and the quieted frustrations of bureaucratic-rage. A gang in LA comprised of psychos/anarchists dressed in baseball uniforms and painted faces, calling themselves 'batmen' rose to ominous prominence and preyed on the homeless. Damien perceived, just as his mother did, that the AntiChrist would emerge soon and claim a strange throne which would enable him to 'market' pride and wrath. Damien decided that these 'batmen' were simply signs of a terrible modern malady.
Damien traveled to Chicago where a ruthless underworld drug-lord named Kingpin was establishing profitable and corrupt ties to politicians and dealers in South America, Canada, and elsewhere. Kingpin was the new Al Capone but he was worse, since cops thought his olive-oil import business, which he used as a 'cover', was completely legitimate. Kingpin, Damien discovered, was secretly funding the 'batmen' in LA.
Damien also learned of two terrorist groups, ISIS and Cobra, emerging in the Middle East and Eastern Europe. These anti-civilization fanatics wanted to destroy sacred 'commerce/capitalism monuments' such as the World Trade Center, EuroDisney, and the Kremlin. Damien also correctly guessed that Cobra was tied to Satanic cults in NYC which catered to bizarre forms of rage-oriented rituals...including cannibalism. The CIA assembled a makeshift-unit of terrorism-infiltrators known as 'G.I. Joes' to dismantle ISIS/Cobra, but the Joes had a very difficult time. The Joes needed a real 'mechanic-genius.' Would Damien be the 'revolutionary' his mother prayed for?
Damien also learned that various science organizations across North America and Europe, including the prestigious Oscorp, were experimenting with bizarre genetic mutations designed to create hybridized slave-like 'super-soldiers' but were instead generating mutant-freaks which would break out of their cells and pour out into the streets as real Godzillas. Damien concluded that this modern world would continue to engender various kinds of 'insanity' unless he offered some real dose of 'illumination.'
One of the freak-mutations Oscorp generated was a mentally-warped 'leviathan' named Gray Goblin who kidnapped a real-life superhero named Spider-Man. Gray Goblin exposed to the world that Spider-Man was actually the media-celebrity Tom Cruise who was trying to 'cure' the modern world of its maladies by dressing up as a spiderweb-soaring 'crusader' and threatening crime syndicates and terrorists. However, Gray Goblin was too strong and menacing for even Cruise/Spider-Man, and he kidnapped Spider-Man and placed him in a cage in his lair. Now, it seemed, all hope was lost...
Damien went inside his private chambers and began meditating about what he could do to save the Earth. He received a message/vision from a crow outside his window and decided to make an ink-blot painting of a crow in his private journal. The crow would be Damien's muse/inspiration, and Damien would use it to 'transform' himself into an 'angel.' Damien used the 'energy' of the crow to become a 'sentinel' of pure ice, intent on using the calming power of cold temperatures to bring humanity a great sign of restoration. The crow saved the day in a way by stimulating Damien. Even Eileen would have been proud...
Damien called himself 'Iceman' and began sending political cartoons to the New Yorker, the London Times, the Sydney Gazette, and the Hong Kong Journal about the value of free-speech in the modern world of layered traffic-maladies including narcotics-trafficking, community violence, and political insanity. Damien/Iceman suggested that censorship was the greatest threat to a modern media which would otherwise facilitate idealistic 'commercial networking.' Iceman used his political cartoons to remind the world that free-speech was just like evangelism in modern civilization.
The journalists began referring to Iceman (Damien) as the ultimate 'visionary.' Iceman became a folk-hero, and school-teachers told students he was the diametric opposite of the eerie Pied Piper of Hamelin who kidnapped children in a damned town in Germany. Iceman was like the real-life Peter Pan, and he gave people incredible ideas regarding the basic social value of uncensored talk about the undesirability of 'poor First World hygiene.'
Damien/Iceman was given a special honorary 'silver-spirit shield' of liberty-defense by the United Nations and declared to be a new age 'imagineer.' Iceman wrote in his journal, "After reading the Christian Bible, I've learned that I'm like the 'keeper' of the bottomless pit known as Abaddon. Just like Abaddon, I possess a mighty shield which safeguards all sentient beings from the malevolent presence of 'ethics-rape.' Damien presented the shield to his wife (Hanna) and mother (Eileen) who kept it as a 'miracle-souvenir.'
TRUMP: Damien/Iceman is like the Messiah!
CARTER: Well, maybe he's not Jesus or Spider-Man, but he's certainly a crusader.
TRUMP: Iceman has offered the modern world a dose of fresh air.
CARTER: Yes, he's managed to 'shape' social networks.
TRUMP: I wonder if Damien is like Abaddon...
CARTER: The 'keeper' of the bottomless pit described in the Bible?
TRUMP: Precisely, Carter; Damien/Iceman understands 'society ugliness.'
CARTER: I read a rumor/folk-tale that his mother 'prayed' for his birth/inception.
TRUMP: Yes, I read that too; his Catholic mother (a former nun) named Eileen.
CARTER: Apparently, she used a Ouija-board to ask for a 'new age revolutionary.'
TRUMP: Well, Damien/Iceman is certainly a lot like Thomas Nast or Eliot Ness.
CARTER: He's a great 'communicator.'
TRUMP: I wonder what would've happened if Damien was never born...
CARTER: The world would've become some kind of a freak-show.
TRUMP: Thank goodness for Ouija.
====
