One Liner Wednesday

[easyt65]

PROPOSED HILLARY BUMPER STICKER:

Hillary Clinton For Prison 2016:
- 'I never forget a face, but in your case
I’d be glad to make an exception.' (Groucho Marx)

 

[Moonglow]

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho Marx

 

[easyt65]

"I once dated a guy so dumb he couldn't count to 21 unless he was naked...his sense of measurements was even worse."


"My wife told me that sex was better on vacation away from home...it was the worst postcard I've ever gotten."


"I remember the last words my dear departed wife ever said to me: What are you doing with that hammer?"


"I'm on a whiskey diet - I've lost 3 DAYS already."

 

[Bonzi]

"I'm on a whiskey diet - I've lost 3 DAYS already."

yes...

 

[Pogo]

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"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before". --- anon.

 

[Pogo]

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"There is a fine line between genius and insanity; I have erased this line." -- Oscar Levant

 

[easyt65]

"After months of begging my girlfriend to come over to her place to be alone she finally called me up and told me to come on over because nobody's home - I drove right over and sure enough...no one was home."

 

[Pogo]

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"What kind of shirt do you wear if your wife beats you?" -- Sean Emeny

 

[easyt65]

"There’s no “I” in denial."

 

[easyt65]

"Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?"

"With WHAT do you grow a SEEDLESS watermelon?"

"My girlfriend looked surprised when I told her that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows a little too high..."


"My wife says I am cruel and that I hate old people just because I spend time every summer burying little metal discs that say 'Get a Life' In the sand."

 

[hortysir]

I know what a Sesame Seed is but what the hell is a Sesame?
- Mitch Hedberg

Yeah, it's sorta like I know what a Naugahyde couch is...but what is a Nauga...and how many Naugas does it take to make a naugahyde couch?
(How big are they? Are there any 'free-range' Naugas or are they all kept in pens? ...)

How many minces does it take to make a mincemeat pie?

 

[Pogo]

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.
"Wouldn't telephones look really weird if you mouth was nowhere near your ears?" --- Steven Wright

 

[Auld Phart]

"Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?"

"With WHAT do you grow a SEEDLESS watermelon?"

"My girlfriend looked surprised when I told her that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows a little too high..."


"My wife says I am cruel and that I hate old people just because I spend time every summer burying little metal discs that say 'Get a Life' In the sand."

"With WHAT do you grow a SEEDLESS watermelon?"

Not to be confused with a seedless pear...


(the result of a vasectomy)

 

[danielpalos]

should i take a number or just wait until you chics tell me it is my turn?

 

[easyt65]

- "It's understandable that you got lost in thought...it was unfamiliar territory."


- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes...!"


- "The problem with sex in the movies is that the popcorn usually spills."


- "Power corrupts...absolute power corrupts absolutely...but it also ROCKS!"


- "When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way!"

 

[defcon4]

Thanks WillHaftawaite you are my biggest fan! (next to defcon4 and I'm still not sure about him)....

Unfortunately, this quote is funny but likely true in my case!

....this is the second one today... wonder what happened....

 

[Bonzi]

Thanks WillHaftawaite you are my biggest fan! (next to defcon4 and I'm still not sure about him)....

Unfortunately, this quote is funny but likely true in my case!

....this is the second one today... wonder what happened....

nothing.... I am testing you....

 

[easyt65]

"My ex-wife's dying wish was to have me sit on her lap...she was in an electric chair."


"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"


"Last night my wife met me at the front door wearing a sexy negligee - The only trouble was, she was coming home, too."


"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel"


In the middle of having sex with this girl I had just met I asked her if the reason she was crying was because she would hate herself in the morning for going to bed with me - 'No,' she cried, "I hate myself NOW!"

 

[hortysir]

Why is there a permanent press setting on my iron?

 

[easyt65]

Why is there a permanent press setting on my iron?

Same reason their are braille buttons on a drive-up ATM...