Microsoft, Wal-Mart, McDonald's Offer to Bail Out U.S. Government

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Superboy, Apr 24, 2009.

  1. Superboy
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    Superboy Rookie

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    *** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ***

    Microsoft, Wal-Mart, McDonald's Offer to Bail Out U.S. Government



    WASHINGTON, D.C.--For arguably a decade, those Americans who are trenched in Industrial Age thinking have watched their economy spiral continuously downward. Having never been taught how to provide for their own financial present and futures, they took the advice the grown-ups gave them: go to school, get good grades, get a safe secure job, and work there until you can retire. Unbeknown to them, that single solitary plan they were told to execute and run, is now running off a cliff. Never having been taught any backup plan, they are now panicking for themselves, their communities, and their nation, and they are willing to surrender any amount of economic freedom to anyone who promises to save them.

    Now, however, it seems the slightest, smallest glimmer may just be next to come over the horizon. A hope beyond hope. In a hitherto stealth, deft move, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ: MSFT), McDonald's Corporation (NYSE: MCD), and Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. (NYSE: WMT) jointly announced today their offer to bail out the decrepit U.S. federal government.

    At an outdoor press conference in brisk weather, voices clamored between the speaker's sentences. "Here we have the three most successful companies in American history now coming to the rescue *of* America," McDonald's president Franklin Bunning said. "To me, this is the epitome of what President Kennedy meant when he told us to ask not what our country can do for us, but what we can do for our country."

    Franchising giant McDonald's (popularly considered the very owners of the word "franchise"), has been growing their business in the past several months in spite of what many call a coming economic tsunami.

    Each company representative had his turn at the microphone. “With the bridge between our campuses in Redmond aside, we are still climbing strongly in our profits and our business as America continues to take its first few steps into the Information Age,” said Steven Roger, vice-president of Microsoft. He indicated that regardless of Microsoft's pursuit of a pedestrian bridge between its campuses (a move that got Microsoft in the door for $11M in federal money), “t's time to repay it with greatest honor.”

    The plan is not without thorns, though. House speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) criticized the proposal, pointing to a clause that could, conceivably, give the three corporations strong influence within Washington. She called attention to section 44.3-904, paragraph 12, which could give the corporations the power to call votes of no-confidence in any legislative- or executive-branch seat holder. Critics see this and other parts of the proposal as potential political weapons.

    But Wal-Mart spokesman Henry Ghade was not shy to step up to the pulpit at the press conference. “Despite a bit of contesting by fossil fuel suppliers, Wal-Mart has become the dominant money-maker in the world. Wal-Mart has gone so far in its success that it has even been proposed by Charles Fishman, in his book, that Wal-Mart itself has held inflation at bay. Now, I ask you, my fellow Americans: What better entity to get the United States economy running correctly than an entity that has already held it in check?”

    The Business Big Three see no reason why they should not be able to throw their weight around if the White House and the Congress fail to shape up. Some on Capital Hill agree. “Listen, we need to face reality, here,” said Sen. Dennis Cuetra (R-MA) in an interview. “We can't hack it here in Washington anymore. The government is out of control and we are in desperate need. The Bureau [of Engraving and Printing] has had to hire 116 engineers and over 500 line workers since September 2008 just to keep up with the production schedule on the printing presses.”

    However, Sen. Gerald Popp (D-CT), chairman of the treasury committee disagrees. “This is the greatest thing we've seen since the last presidential race started. We are creating jobs right here in our capital, and we're planning to do the same for our sister site in Fort Worth. So everything is going fine. Furthermore, the downtime that we've encountered at the Bureau in the past month has had a significant effect on the new administration's plans. We cannot allow any monkey wrenches, literally or figuratively, to interfere with our only hope of turning this economy around. This proposal will face opposition in the chambers.”

    Superintendents of production at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, located on 14th and C Streets, were not available for comment.

    The full text of the proposal can be viewed at the official website of the U.S. House of Representatives.

    EOJ
     
  2. KittenKoder
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    KittenKoder Senior Member

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    Bah! I need sleep.
     
  3. editec
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    editec Mr. Forgot-it-All

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    Interesting...how are they going to BAIL out the FEDs, exactly?

    I read this TWICE and still don't understand their plan.
     
  4. jillian
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    jillian Princess Supporting Member

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    he put it in "humor"... it's not a real article.

    i googled it.

    bummer it isn't good satire.

    I deleted the pretend reference to AP and the pretend indication of photos being removed, so no one would think it's real or find it misattributed in accordance with copyright rules.
     
  5. editec
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    editec Mr. Forgot-it-All

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    Details...that damned devil was hiding in them, again, wasn't he?
     
  6. 007
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    007 Charter Member Supporting Member

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    Aaaaahh..... I couldn't imagine how something of this magnitude could have taken place without me hearing about it, being the news junkie I am.
     

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