Lawyer Jokes

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Nevadamedic, Jul 22, 2007.

  1. Nevadamedic
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    Nevadamedic Senior Member

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    A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

    "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

    The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

    The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

    The contents reads "Consultation: $25.00."
     
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    Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution.

    The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict.

    When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.

    "Sure was," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."
     
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    A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?"

    The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!"
     
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    A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died.

    They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment.

    They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

    Then, they get to see where they're going to live.

    The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

    At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

    By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

    The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."
     
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    This guy is up in court on theft charges, however his lawyer tells the crusty old judge "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly the high speed modem"

    "high speed modem"? questions the judge.

    "Yes" replies the lawyer "it allows computers to communicate over vast distances".

    "Amazing" says the judge "what will they think of next".

    "Secondly, my lord" continues the lawyer "my client can produce a receipt for the eight speed CD Rom".

    "Eight speed CD Rom"? queries the judge.

    "Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk".

    "Modern technology, baffling" comments the judge. "Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is".

    "The super deluxe is the one with the real hair" replies the judge.
     

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