Just for fun

[RodISHI]

irosie91

I was looking for a particular joke for the Russia thread and came across this website.
Clean Jokes Related to Christianity

False Illusions
A man who had died was waiting at heavens gate to enter the kingdom of God. He had lived a perfect life and had a clear idea in his mind what heaven would be like. He had foregone all the earthly pleasures and just knew his rewards were going to be great. He had gone over repeatedly in his mind how much great fun he was going to have in heaven.

As he was waiting, he saw a cloud pass by. As the cloud got closer, he saw people on the cloud having a great time. They were singing, dancing, and having great fun. They were dining on exquisite food, wearing the best clothes, and drinking the best wines, and laughter and merriment echoed through the sky. Yes, that was what he had expected it would be like.

His escort arrived at the gate. The escort told the man that he had lived a good life and he was going to now take him to his new home. The man said, "If it is all the same to you, I would like to live on that cloud!" The escort told the man that it was not possible and that what awaited him was far greater anyway. However, the man persisted so the escort asked him to wait while he went to talk to the "Boss". Upon returning, the escort stated the "Boss" had always allowed people to choose but made it clear that he would be much happier in his originally intended home. The man replied, "I have often thought of what heaven would be like and forgone the pleasures on earth to get my reward here, so if it’s all the same to you, I want to live on that cloud." The escort sighed, and then granted his wish.

In an instant, the man was standing in the hottest, smelliest, and most disgusting place he had ever seen in his whole life. The strange noises were blood curdling and the whole place was chaos. He was in Hell.

An escort arrived to take him to his job. "Job?" the man replied. "Yes, we work hard down here," said the escort. There must be some mistake; the place I requested was a nice cloud with people singing, dancing, and having the best time of their life!" The escort looked puzzled at first and then started laughing hysterically. The man asked why the escort was laughing so hard. The escort replied, "You new people are so funny- you think you can show up here and get an assignment in the advertising department! You think you can get a promotion like that right away!"

 

[RodISHI]

For Muslim jokes: ROFL, muslim jokes

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.

Q. How do Muslims practice safe sex?
A. They mark the camels that kick.

Q. What do Tehran and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.

Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp.


Q. whats the difference between a truck full of dead Muslim babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
A. The bowling bowls are hard to pick up with a pitchfork.

Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

Q. What's the hardest part about a Muslim killing his own daughter?
A. Suppressing the erection.

Q: How can you tell if a Muslim girl is old enough to marry?
A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down until her chin is over the top.

Q. What's the difference between a Muslim and a vampire?
A. At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

A Muslim walks into his local mosque with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about, Abdul?" Asks the Imam.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies Abdul. "I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the rails, like in the American movies. I cut her free and took her back to my humble abode. Allah be praised - we made love all night, all around the tent. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position permitted by Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him!"

"By the most Merciful," exclaimed the Imam, "you have been blessed. Was she as beautiful as a desert flower?"

Abdul grimaced, "By the Jinn, I do not know - I never found her head."



Q. What's the difference between ET and Muslims?
A. ET got the point and went home.

I went to a Muslim birthday party last night. Damn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!

Q. Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a Muslim funeral?
A. There's only 2 handles on a garbage can.

Q. What do you say to a Pakistani at Christmas?
A. A quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a pack of Marlboros please.

Q. What do you call a bus with 2 Somalis falling off a cliff?
A. A waste, you could have fit at least 50 in the bus!

Q. What do you call a Muslim between two houses?
A. Ali.

Q. When's the only time you should wink at a Muslim?
A. When aiming.

 

[irosie91]

I like that one----THE ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT----a personal anecdote. Hubby was brought up in a very traditional jewish household rooted in a third world Islamic
shithole-------ie-----really uhm OLD FASHIONED, naive--traditional. He asked his father what 'heaven is like' and his father answered with ENTHUSIASM------"really nice---like being in a yeshivah all the time reading the Talmud" --------at that time----hubby---little child at the time-------decided HE DID NOT WANT TO GO THERE

 

[RodISHI]

I like that one----THE ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT----a personal anecdote. Hubby was brought up in a very traditional jewish household rooted in a third world Islamic
shithole-------ie-----really uhm OLD FASHIONED, naive--traditional. He asked his father what 'heaven is like' and his father answered with ENTHUSIASM------"really nice---like being in a yeshivah all the time reading the Talmud" --------at that time----hubby---little child at the time-------decided HE DID NOT WANT TO GO THERE

Funny a lot of Christians decided the same after hearing different peoples precepts of what heaven is like.

 

[usmbguest5318]

False Illusions

Wow! Now if that isn't redundant, what on Earth is? LOL

I haven't read the rest of the OP yet. I just saw that and thought, WTF? I couldn't help but laugh and remark upon the inanity of that phrase.

 

[RodISHI]

Buddhist jokes:

I hear the Dalai Lama recently fired his gardener, who had a degree in carnations but didn’t dig reincarnations.

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza chef?
Make me one with everything. The pizza chef prepares it and gives it to the monk. The monk pays him and asks for the change. The pizza vendor says: “Change comes from within.”

Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?
He kept marking the cause of death as “birth.”

A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk, “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”
The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing.” replied the monk. “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!” said the Buddhist.
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!”
~ Ajahn Brahm

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

Prince Gautama, who had become Buddha, saw one of his followers meditating under a tree at the edge of the Ganges River. Upon inquiring why he was meditating, his follower stated he was attempting to become so enlightened he could cross the river unaided. Buddha gave him a few pennies and said: “Why don’t you seek passage with that boatman. It is much easier.”

Says the Master to his pupil: “Do you understand that you don’t really exist?”
Upon which the pupil replies: “To whom are you telling that?”

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners? A: Because they have no attachments. So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback. Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation? A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.

source: Buddhist Jokes - Buddha Jokes
http://www.jokes4us.com/religiousjokes/buddhistjokes.html

 

[usmbguest5318]

I like that one----THE ADVERTISING DEPARTMENT----a personal anecdote. Hubby was brought up in a very traditional jewish household rooted in a third world Islamic
shithole-------ie-----really uhm OLD FASHIONED, naive--traditional. He asked his father what 'heaven is like' and his father answered with ENTHUSIASM------"really nice---like being in a yeshivah all the time reading the Talmud" --------at that time----hubby---little child at the time-------decided HE DID NOT WANT TO GO THERE

Hubby was brought up in a very traditional jewish household rooted in a third world Islamic
shithole-------ie-----really uhm OLD FASHIONED, naive--traditional.

As a serious aside, I point out that one need not have grown up in or live in an area run by Judaism, Islam or Christianity to find oneself governed by and ascribing to notions expressed ages ago and that no longer have literal and practical value and/or contextual applicability in the world today, and that, furthermore, millions of people yet would by "hook, crook or otherwise" have everyone live by those "old time" strictures.

He asked his father what 'heaven is like' and his father answered with ENTHUSIASM------"really nice---like being in a yeshivah all the time reading the Talmud" --------at that time----hubby---little child at the time-------decided HE DID NOT WANT TO GO THERE

I can relate. I wouldn't either. LOL, but sincerely meaning it too.

 

[RodISHI]

False Illusions

Wow! Now if that isn't redundant, what on Earth is? LOL

I haven't read the rest of the OP yet. I just saw that and thought, WTF? I couldn't help but laugh and remark upon the inanity of that phrase.

Glad you got a chuckle. A prosperity teacher/preacher who has done very well told about a spiritual experience he had seeing heaven. I like the guy he makes me laugh. He described the time and what he and another pastor was doing waiting in their rooms for the conference to start etc. What he saw and how he was shown his heavenly house, house the interior was design etc. He then went on to tell how now he has that house. No doubt in my mind what he saw was a real and true experience but he has missed something in it all. Maybe he'll figure it out one day.

 

[usmbguest5318]

Glad you got a chuckle.

Thank you.

 

[Vastator]

What's the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus.



















You only need one nail to hang the picture of Jesus...

 

[RodISHI]

These were kinda fun too;

Religious Shit Taoism Shit happens. Buddhism If shit happens, it's not really shit. Islam If shit happens, it's the will of Allah. Protestantism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us? Hinduism This shit happened before. Catholicism Shit happens because you're bad. Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama. T.V. Evangelism Send more shit. Atheism No shit. Jehovah's Witness Knock knock, shit happens. Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening. Christian Science Shit happens in your mind. Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't. Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit. Existentialism What is shit anyway? Stoicism This shit doesn't bother me. submissions by: caroljsroth

 

[RodISHI]

Jesus Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."

source: Catholic Jokes - Priest Jokes

 

[ding]

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

 

[ding]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing when life begins. The priests says, “It begins at conception”. The minister says, “Life begins at 24 weeks gestation”. The rabbi says, “You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies.”

 

[ding]

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"

 

[ding]

A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?"

The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?"

The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"

 

[ding]

Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"

 

[ding]

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"

 

[Indeependent]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing when life begins. The priests says, “It begins at conception”. The minister says, “Life begins at 24 weeks gestation”. The rabbi says, “You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies.”

Alternate ending, The Rabbi says, when the kid receives his/her Medical Degree.

 

[RodISHI]

Sound familiar?

There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodation first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."