daveman
Diamond Member
- Thread starter
- #61
You need to turn your rep back on, buddy.Via PM, so I'm not going to reveal any details.
It was with someone with whom I've shared several violent disagreements, and lots of verbal abuse, from both parties.
He'd posted something I thought was interesting, so I PMed him and told him. He then shared something intensely personal, which surprised me -- I wouldn't have thought he'd have opened up to me, of all people.
Turns out -- and this is the interesting part -- he's a real guy, with real problems, real successes, and a real life.
Who knew? I mean, aren't all you people -- me, too, I guess -- just words on a monitor? Well, I don't go away when I turn off my 'puter, but I do when you turn off yours. Hopefully. I'd hate to be stuck there in your living room.
Yeah, I know this is kinda not really news. But we were both lamenting the fact that all too often discussions devolve -- sometimes immediately -- into bad language and insults. Trying to "win", as if they other guy is ever going to say, "You know what? You're right. I never thought about it that way before. Thanks!" And of course, if everyone's just flinging insults, that's NEVER going to happen. "You know what? You're right. I AM a moron! Thanks!" It's easy to forget that there are real people on the other end of the internet tube.
I have changed my mind on at least one issue -- gays serving openly in the military -- due to online conversations. Well, not necessarily conversations about the topic, but conversations with a guy. With a real life. Whose words went away when I turned off my computer, but who continued existing in his real life in his real home, living with his real husband and with his real pride at being a Marine.
And I admit it: I can be a real jerk online. Trying to "win". Being insulting. Using language that I don't use in real life. When I took a break from USMB earlier this year, it seems like I was just a little bit happier with myself. Just a little bit more cheerful. Not catching myself reading a news story and thinking, "Man, I can't wait to post this and show those guys!"
Because frankly, some of you are real jerks online, too. Most of us are, at times. Some more than others, and I do believe I'm one of the some.
I enjoy substantive conversations, doing research to back up my arguments. It can be frustrating, though, having that research immediately dismissed and ridiculed. Hey, I spent TIME doing that! Read it, you jerk! But the jerk doesn't read it, so I'm less likely to spend time doing research the next time. And ultimately, there's no research at all, and there's nothing left but insults.
Can the mods do anything about it? No, I've modded small boards before, and it's a pain in the behind. I can't imagine what it's like running a huge zoo like this place. Admin, mods, you guys have my respect.
Nor should they do anything about it. I've been on boards where behavior is rigidly enforced. And the standards are never applied evenly. There's always a protected class, and whether I was part of it or not, unfair application of standards pisses me off.
No, if anyone is dissatisfied with their behavior, it's up to them and to them alone to change it. Don't like being a jerk? Don't be a jerk. Don't like entering a thread with an insult instead of discussion? Either stay out, or discuss. Don't insult.
Yes, I'm going to try to take my own advice. I want to be a better man than I have been. Gonna give it a shot, at any rate. And part of being a better man is apologizing to anyone I've hurt. I'm sorry. I keep saying that no one can hurt you without your permission, but I don't think everyone knows that.
So, again, if I've hurt you, I'm sorry. I'll try not to do it any more. I'll slip up -- I'm only human, after all -- but I'm going to try.
My anonymous discussion partner asked if we could find any common ground. I think we have. And I want to thank him for giving me the opportunity for some introspection. That's never a bad thing.
G'night, USMB. I'm gonna shut off my 'puter now, and you'll still be wherever you are, real people with real lives. And I'll still be here, a real guy with a real life.
See you tomorrow. A guy trying to be a better man will be logging in as daveman.
Dave and I discussed this last night and having taken the night to think about it, we decided we would share with you that I am "the other guy".
I credit Dave for writing me about one of my posts. I have to say, my first impulse was to shine him on a bit because, for me to reply honestly, I would have to lay open a very personal and difficult part of my life. But, I realized that Dave had taken a huge chance on me and I felt I wanted to return that gesture to him. So, I took the chance and I did talk honestly and openly with him.
Some of you may remember that Jeremiah and I have done the same thing and through some long conversations and trusting each other's motives, we have found a common ground and friendship.
Surely its true of all of us - that we have much more in common than we have differences. Aren't we all just trying to live our lives the best way we know how? Don't we all have families and bills that come due and tragedies and triumphs and ups and down and all the daily detritus of the human condition.
Its way too easy to forget that there is a real person behind all those typed words. Its also very easy to use language that you would never use in real life.
Recently, I've seen posts here that lament the almost total absense of quality conversation, discussion and debate. I have said that I stopped trying to understand others' points of view and seldom bother trying to actually add substantive comments.
While its true that I just don't want to read the foul language and nastiness, a huge part of my withdrawal has been a reaction to a tragic event in my own life. I have so much anger and pain, and I have used this board and my fellow posters as a place to dump it. It has been wrong of me to do that and I sincerely apologize for it.
Moreover, I have realized that instead of geting rid of all the anger, this has fed those flames. For my own mental health, its got to stop.
I don't have any answers but what I know for sure is that no one can take me anyplace I don't want to go. By that, I mean I don't have to call names and use foul language. If I choose that, its no one's fault but my own. By the same token, I cannot control what others do. I can only control myself.
For the reasons I've described, and because I'm glad I opened up to two people whose lives and beliefs are so different from me, I'm turning over a new leaf.
I am taking a personal pledge to behave here just as I would if you people were sitting in my living room. I will continue to openly disagree with others but I will not react with nastiness, name calling and foul language. (I really should leave myself an weasel out in case I fall off the wagon but I have never thrown hot coffee at a visitor sitting in my living room.)
Thank you to Dave and to Jeremiah. I have long believed that the phenomenon of the internet message board is a tiny microcosm that represents what's going on in the real world. Maybe, if we work together, we can pay it forward.
I believe that its worth a try.
People get their noses out of joint here, too.
