Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does

[Votto]

Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.

babylonbee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
"We must find out what these mystery devices are and what they are used for," said New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "After recently finding out they are not used to open doors, we must prioritize learning who put these things here and what magical powers they may possess."
Congressional business ground to a halt after groups of Democrat lawmakers were seen huddled around the wall-mounted devices in befuddled consternation. "Don't touch it!" Nancy Pelosi was heard slurring. "We don't know what it does. It might open an interdimensional portal. I heard about those at a secret meeting and I'm not sure we want to open one here. Unless there's vodka."

Sounds like the democrats need another spending bill, and I'm sure McCarthy is all in!

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.

babylonbee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
"We must find out what these mystery devices are and what they are used for," said New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "After recently finding out they are not used to open doors, we must prioritize learning who put these things here and what magical powers they may possess."
Congressional business ground to a halt after groups of Democrat lawmakers were seen huddled around the wall-mounted devices in befuddled consternation. "Don't touch it!" Nancy Pelosi was heard slurring. "We don't know what it does. It might open an interdimensional portal. I heard about those at a secret meeting and I'm not sure we want to open one here. Unless there's vodka."

Sounds like the democrats need another spending bill, and I'm sure McCarthy is all in!

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I wish the Babylon Bee was our government.

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[Votto]

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I wish the Babylon Bee was our government.

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Buffalo Guy Kicking Himself For Not Just Pulling Fire Alarm To Evacuate Congress

PHOENIX, AZ — After years of being jailed with violent criminals, Buffalo Guy was kicking himself today for not simply pulling a fire alarm on January 6th to force Congress to evacuate.

babylonbee.com

PHOENIX, AZ — After years of being jailed with violent criminals, Buffalo Guy was kicking himself today for not simply pulling a fire alarm on January 6th to force Congress to evacuate.
"Seriously? I could have just pulled the fire alarm instead of going to all the trouble to dress like a buffalo and charge into the Capitol?" said an aghast Buffalo Guy. "Gosh, do I feel silly."
Buffalo Guy, known in some circles as Jacob Chansley, watched yesterday as Representative Jamaal Bowman demonstrated how to properly and legally commit a crime to delay Congressional proceedings. "So you pull the fire alarm, and then come up with some ridiculous excuse, like you thought the fire alarm was a doorknob," explained Mr. Bowman. "You could even say that you have lived your whole life under the impression that pulling a fire alarm is how you select Nacho Cheese Doritos out of the vending machine. It doesn't matter. They can have you on video committing the crime, and as long as you explain you're too dumb to understand what a fire alarm is, you're good to go! Have at it destroying Congress!"

 

[Votto]

The fire alarm strategy is catching on all across the country

Church Elder Pulls Fire Alarm To Delay Vote On New Carpet

JACKSON, MS — In a desperate bid to stop First Baptist Church from voting on hideous new carpet, local elder Gary McCord took matters into his own hands and pulled the church's fire alarm.

babylonbee.com

JACKSON, MS — In a desperate bid to stop First Baptist Church from voting on hideous new carpet, local elder Gary McCord took matters into his own hands and pulled the church's fire alarm.
"I did what I had to do," said Mr. McCord. "That is the absolute worst shade of purple I've seen in all my years."
As the Fire Department arrived, Mr. McCord brushed off questions about his motivation for triggering the evacuation. "Look here, mister fireman," began Mr. McCord, holding up two swatches of carpet. "When you walk into church, you expect this here standard burgundy, okay? Now look at this bright purple abomination, this neon swatch of horror! It's not just a migraine-inducing eyesore, it's heresy! They'll have to put me in the cemetery out back before I see this laid down in my church!"

According to sources in the congregation, the discussion of which shade of maroon and purple to choose for the new carpet has caused deep rifts within the church. "The battle lines are drawn," said parishioner Emily Langston. "It's cutting through families, even marriages. I was just hoping for something a little brighter than the dull, dark purple we've had for decades. This evacuation is just the latest salvo in the battle."

At publishing time, the meeting had resumed but devolved into turmoil after a young congregant asked if anyone had considered a color besides purple.

 

[Rawley]

Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.

babylonbee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
"We must find out what these mystery devices are and what they are used for," said New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. "After recently finding out they are not used to open doors, we must prioritize learning who put these things here and what magical powers they may possess."
Congressional business ground to a halt after groups of Democrat lawmakers were seen huddled around the wall-mounted devices in befuddled consternation. "Don't touch it!" Nancy Pelosi was heard slurring. "We don't know what it does. It might open an interdimensional portal. I heard about those at a secret meeting and I'm not sure we want to open one here. Unless there's vodka."

Sounds like the democrats need another spending bill, and I'm sure McCarthy is all in!

Good one.

 

[two_iron]

Subverting a congressional vote is.... wait for it.... an INSURRECTION.

Lock that fucking ape up in a cage and put it on trial in a few years.

 

[TroglocratsRdumb]

Maybe we should have a literacy test to be a congressman.

 

[TroglocratsRdumb]

RollCall.com
By Justin Papp and Laura Weiss

Speaker Kevin McCarthy promised punishment for New York Democrat Jamaal Bowman on Saturday and called his alleged tactic to delay a House vote by pulling an office building fire alarm “a new low.”

Following House passage of a 48-day continuing resolution that would keep the government open through mid-November, McCarthy told reporters he intended to speak with Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, D-N.Y. Bowman denied the alarm was a delaying tactic, but McCarthy compared it to the actions of Jan. 6 rioters, remarking on how “other people were treated” when they’ve attempted to delay the legislative process.

“This should not go without punishment. This is embarrassing,” McCarthy said. “You’re elected to be a member of Congress — you pull a fire alarm in the minutes and hours before the government being shut down, trying to dictate the government would shut down?”

McCarthy promises ‘punishment’ over Bowman fire alarm before vote

Rep. Jamaal Bowman, D-N.Y., denied that he was trying to cause delays, but Speaker Kevin McCarthy called pulling a fire alarm “a new low.”

rollcall.com

Comment:
What should Bowman's punishment be?

 

[Doc7505]

Rep. Bowman Pulls Fire Alarm Again While Trying To Flush Urinal​

Rep. Bowman Pulls Fire Alarm Again While Trying To Flush Urinal

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York Congressman Jamaal Bowman again found himself trying to explain away an awkward situation today, as he apparently once again pulled the Capitol fire alarm whilst attempting to flush a urinal.

babylonbee.com

2 Oct 2023

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York Congressman Jamaal Bowman again found himself trying to explain away an awkward situation today, as he apparently once again pulled the Capitol fire alarm whilst attempting to flush a urinal.
"Oh my, is that what that does? I thought it was for the urinal," Bowman reportedly said when questioned by the Capitol Police. "I was just trying to get rid of my waste. Shaking hands with an old friend, you know? I thought pulling that lever would evacuate my urine from the receptacle. My mistake!"
Republican members of Congress and skeptical American citizens expressed doubt regarding Rep. Bowman's story. "Let me get this straight," Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan shouted. "First, he thought the fire alarm was a lever that would open the door of the Capitol complex, and today he thinks the fire alarm will empty the urinal after he drains his swamp? I'm not buying it! In fact, I'm launching a formal inquiry!"
When pressed for further explanation, Rep. Bowman continued to claim it was an innocent error. "I'm really going to have to plead ignorance on this one," he said. "It activates the fire alarm? Seriously? I thought it said ‘FIRE' on it in huge, clear letters to let anyone know how to clear out the urinal after a long session of Congress. I'm being honest here."
At publishing time, Rep. Bowman refused to confirm reports that the Washington, D.C. Fire Department has responded to his place of residence 4,785 times in the last six months.

Comment:
The damn thing puled itself, Like Baldwins gun.