Consumerism/Media: Tall-Tale

Abishai100

VIP Member
Sep 22, 2013
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This is a consumerism/media culture parable inspired by The Muppets Take Manhattan.

Signing off,




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"A prodigious NFL QB named Thomas Hewitt who played for the Cleveland Browns was suffering from clinical depression and became psychologically-addicted to sleeping-pills. Hewitt popped sleeping-pills at least 3 times a week and continued to do so for an entire year. He noticed that he was becoming lethargic, disattached, and uninterested in socializing or even playing football. The NFL was going to suffer a real crisis if its star-QB (arguably once more debonnaire than the Patriots' Goliath-like QB Tom Brady himself!) was suddenly...shrinking."

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"As expected, Hewitt's girlfriend, a gorgeous Miami Dolphins cheerleader named Shirley, became concerned that her star-QB boyfriend was suddenly beginning to drop out of the national spotlight. Shirley began threatening Hewitt that if he did not return to his dazzling form, she'd break up with him. Hewitt always knew Shirley was more interested in celebrity than friendship, but now he realized she would also be completely unforgiving if he did not stop taking sleeping-pills. He didn't want to lose Shirley..."

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"A deranged American psycho named Derek Michaels modelling himself after the horror-film avatar Leatherface (the iconic fictional chainsaw-wielding cannibal from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre film-franchise) sent death-threat letters to the press claiming he'd murder the Browns' QB Thomas Hewitt unless he returned to his previous stellar playing-form. Michaels spooked the nation with his ominous demands that Hewitt be the star everyone expected, so a patriotic self-proclaimed 'American vigilante' named Mitch Prince went on a manhunt in search of Michaels who had already slain 10 Texas cops and sent photos of himself dressed as Leatherface. Mitch caught Michaels and turned him over to the police and in an interview, Michaels stated that the reason Mitch caught him was because Mitch was a huge fan of the NFL...just like Michaels. The press called it an 'American hellfire story'."

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"Archaeologists in the year 3030 found news clippings of Hewitt's 'sleeping-pill tale' while digging in the grounds of Cleveland and decided that 21st Century mankind was very obsessed with media and celebrity. In the year 3030, humanity was dealing with different kinds of problems --- acid-rain, democracy vulnerabilities in the military, genetic-cloning abnormalities, and monotonous urban work. They kept 'The Hewitt Story' on file as a perfect example of how civilization evolution paralleled a developing human understanding of greed and paranoia. After all, Hewitt was forced to be the 'celebrity' everyone simply 'expected'."

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"After Hewitt got over his sleeping-pill problem and returned to great playing-form, his girlfriend Shirley reconciled with him and the two got married. They had a daughter named Cadence and purchased for her a lovely plastic-toy phone, which Cadence cherished. Cadence pretended to be getting calls from the NFL for her dad, and Hewitt realized that he'd finally gotten the happy family he'd always wanted. Celebrity life had turned out perfectly for Thomas Hewitt."

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"Hewitt retired from the NFL and began selling his own brand of crock-pots called Hewitt-Heaters. They became very popular and outsold even the Foreman Grill (marketed by legendary professional-boxer George Foreman). Hewitt-Heaters were terrific cooking-tech for preparing beef-medley stew, which the Hewitt family made every Sunday. Hewitt forgot about all the madness of his early NFL career and his problems with sleeping-pills and his paranoia that steroids would demoralize the NFL. All Hewitt cared about now as crock-pot stew."

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"Hewitt got a Wall Street stockbroker to help him invest his assets and profits from Hewitt-Heaters. His broker, Charles Fox, helped Hewitt accrue massive funds from well-placed diversified investments in American and Chinese markets, and Hewitt used these newfound monies to invest in charities. Charles Fox himself became something of a 'celebrity' since the press was calling him Hewitt's new lucky-charm and a boon for Hewitt-Heaters consumerism prestige. Hewitt wondered what was more civilization-symbolic...the NFL or Wall Street!"

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GOD: Thomas Hewitt is an 'American icon.'
SATAN: Yes, he's Joe Montana, RFK, and Howard Stern rolled into one...
GOD: I wonder if Charles Fox will be inspired by Hewitt's story.
SATAN: The archaeologists from 3030 surely found Hewitt's story 'symbolic.'
GOD: Capitalism/consumerism creates 'media idols.'
SATAN: Is that a form of immoral idolatry?
GOD: It can be if it promotes pride (e.g., Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?).
SATAN: Everyone needs money...
GOD: True, but the desire for money may create an urge to dominate others.
SATAN: What do you think about Shirley (Hewitt's cheerleader-wife)?
GOD: She was concerned his career dipped, but she ended up being his 'trophy-wife.'
SATAN: Isn't America funny?
GOD: It sure is! I'm sure there will be new catalogues in university-libraries about democracy.
SATAN: Who will be the new American critic?
GOD: Probably people like Don Imus and Rush Limbaugh (people who despise evangelism).
SATAN: I imagine that the AntiChrist will be an unruly movie-star making capitalism-films.
GOD: Yes, but Jesus's dominion will be seen again in the time of great tribulation...
SATAN: In that case, let's go watch The Last Temptation of Christ on Netflix!
GOD: Great call...perhaps consumerism just might catalyse 'toy-IQ' (e.g., Highlights).
SATAN: We'll see.


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:dance:

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