The Professor
Diamond Member
- Mar 4, 2011
- 16,752
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My little girl (she's 25) sent me the following:
What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't Helium, you can't Curium, you Barium.
I'm in the mood for some barium cobalt and nitrogen...BaCoN
What did the bartender say when Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium and Phospherus walked in? OH SNaP!
Teacher: Now class, the first thing you need to know about atoms is that you can never trust them. Students: Why not? Teacher: Because they make up everything!!
What does a subatomic duck say? A. Quark
I would tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon
Where do chemists put their dirty beakers? In the zinc
Are you made of Copper And Tellurium Because You are CuTe
The other day I was reading a book on Helium, I just couldn't put it down!
Take a shelf of Sodium, add Boron, Astatine, and Manganese. What do you get? NaNaNaNaNaNa BAtMn!!!
what do you get when you put a couple oxygens in 2 phosphorous'? poop
Two people walked into a bar. One of them said "I'll have H2O". The second person said "I'll have an H2O too". The second guy died (H2O2)
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?..... A one molar solution!!
Mrs. Swanson saw little Johnny having trouble with his schoolwork. She said, "Are you sick with anything Johnny?" He responded, "Yea, I got Tin, Iodine, Florine, Flerovium, and Einstienium." (SnIFFlEs) She got confused and walked away.
When people ask me how chemistry is going I say, it's sodium boron.
Have you heard about the 5th element? i would tell you but its pretty boron.
chemistry jokes are sodium funny, but all the good ones argon.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a shot of whiskey?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge!"
What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.
I like to tell chemistry jokes periodically.......
Two hydrogen atoms were sitting at a bar. One says I think I've lost my electron. The other replies " Are you sure?" The first responds "I'm positive."
I was going to tell a joke about sodium and hydrogen, but NaH!
Argon walks into a bar. The bar tender says "sorry, we don't serve noble gases here," Argon doesn't react.
WHAT IS "HIJKLMNO"? THE ANSWER IS H2O.(FROM "H" TO "O")
Copper is leaving a friend's house. As copper left the friend yelled, "Cu"
How about you make like oxygen and gain a pair.
What do you get when you combine Tungsten and Holmium, with Potassium, Nitrogen,Oxygen, Tungsten and Sulfur? WHo KNOWS
They call me Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Hey Bromine and Boron are calling me. Don't worry, I'll BrB.
You'd think atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to one another but in fact they end up stealing each others electrons in the process isnt that ionic?
A Photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he has any luggage. He replies, No; Im traveling light.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed!!!
There is a black bear and a white bear. They both fall into a puddle of water. Which one dissolves? The white one because it's polar.
Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid? To neutralize the enemy's strongest bases!
I failed my chemistry exam today. But hey, oxidants happen.
A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".
Why do hamburgers have lower energy than steak? Because it's in a ground state.
Wanted by the Law: Schrodinger's Cat, Dead And/Or Alive
Do these protons make my mass look big?
Heisenberg is rushing home in his car. He gets pulled over and the officer approaches his car. "Sir," he says, "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, I do not, but I know exactly where I am."
Newton, Pascal and Einstein decide to play a game of hide and seek in heaven. Einstein is 'it' and closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off and hides behind a tree while Newton draws a 1 meter square around his feet. When Einstein finishes counting he spots Newton right away and says "Ah ha! Found you and you lose!" Newton replies, "No. you found 1 Newton over a square meter...you found Pascal"
Optimists see the glass as half full. Pessimists see the glass as half empty. Chemists see the glass as completely full, half in liquid state, half in gaseous state.
If Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...is it there?
Did you hear about he guy who chilled himself to absolute zero? He's OK now.
What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't Helium, you can't Curium, you Barium.
I'm in the mood for some barium cobalt and nitrogen...BaCoN
What did the bartender say when Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium and Phospherus walked in? OH SNaP!
Teacher: Now class, the first thing you need to know about atoms is that you can never trust them. Students: Why not? Teacher: Because they make up everything!!
What does a subatomic duck say? A. Quark
I would tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon
Where do chemists put their dirty beakers? In the zinc
Are you made of Copper And Tellurium Because You are CuTe
The other day I was reading a book on Helium, I just couldn't put it down!
Take a shelf of Sodium, add Boron, Astatine, and Manganese. What do you get? NaNaNaNaNaNa BAtMn!!!
what do you get when you put a couple oxygens in 2 phosphorous'? poop
Two people walked into a bar. One of them said "I'll have H2O". The second person said "I'll have an H2O too". The second guy died (H2O2)
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?..... A one molar solution!!
Mrs. Swanson saw little Johnny having trouble with his schoolwork. She said, "Are you sick with anything Johnny?" He responded, "Yea, I got Tin, Iodine, Florine, Flerovium, and Einstienium." (SnIFFlEs) She got confused and walked away.
When people ask me how chemistry is going I say, it's sodium boron.
Have you heard about the 5th element? i would tell you but its pretty boron.
chemistry jokes are sodium funny, but all the good ones argon.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a shot of whiskey?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge!"
What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.
I like to tell chemistry jokes periodically.......
Two hydrogen atoms were sitting at a bar. One says I think I've lost my electron. The other replies " Are you sure?" The first responds "I'm positive."
I was going to tell a joke about sodium and hydrogen, but NaH!
Argon walks into a bar. The bar tender says "sorry, we don't serve noble gases here," Argon doesn't react.
WHAT IS "HIJKLMNO"? THE ANSWER IS H2O.(FROM "H" TO "O")
Copper is leaving a friend's house. As copper left the friend yelled, "Cu"
How about you make like oxygen and gain a pair.
What do you get when you combine Tungsten and Holmium, with Potassium, Nitrogen,Oxygen, Tungsten and Sulfur? WHo KNOWS
They call me Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
Hey Bromine and Boron are calling me. Don't worry, I'll BrB.
You'd think atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to one another but in fact they end up stealing each others electrons in the process isnt that ionic?
A Photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he has any luggage. He replies, No; Im traveling light.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed!!!
There is a black bear and a white bear. They both fall into a puddle of water. Which one dissolves? The white one because it's polar.
Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid? To neutralize the enemy's strongest bases!
I failed my chemistry exam today. But hey, oxidants happen.
A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".
Why do hamburgers have lower energy than steak? Because it's in a ground state.
Wanted by the Law: Schrodinger's Cat, Dead And/Or Alive
Do these protons make my mass look big?
Heisenberg is rushing home in his car. He gets pulled over and the officer approaches his car. "Sir," he says, "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies "No, I do not, but I know exactly where I am."
Newton, Pascal and Einstein decide to play a game of hide and seek in heaven. Einstein is 'it' and closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off and hides behind a tree while Newton draws a 1 meter square around his feet. When Einstein finishes counting he spots Newton right away and says "Ah ha! Found you and you lose!" Newton replies, "No. you found 1 Newton over a square meter...you found Pascal"
Optimists see the glass as half full. Pessimists see the glass as half empty. Chemists see the glass as completely full, half in liquid state, half in gaseous state.
If Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...is it there?
Did you hear about he guy who chilled himself to absolute zero? He's OK now.
