What do you say to a brother-in-law who is slowly killing himself?

[MarathonMike]

You can make fun of this thread if you want, but it's actually serious. The last couple of days (one of my many) brother-in-laws sons stayed with us during a short job hunting trip. I took them to a couple touristy places and had the chance to get to know them better. When the conversation turned to their dad, I was shocked. It was like the floodgates opened. They are telling me one story after another about broken promises and big talk. They are telling me things like "Mike he won't stop the drugs and drinking, he's put on a hundred pounds. He can't even hunt with us any more! He can't even sit in a tree stand because always has to go to the bathroom. He's always coughing." The look in their eyes broke my heart. I don't know what to say to this guy, I don't know him that well. But god damn, when a mans sons basically spill their guts to you, don't you have to say something? I'm open to any advice on this one, especially anyone with counseling experience. Oh and he also has a girl friend who is spiraling downhill with him. So if things aren't bad enough, there's that too.

 

[Oddball]

If he doesn't see the problem, he won't own up to it.

Yeah, it sucks, but that's the way it is.

 

[EvilCat Breath]

You cannot do anyrhing. Tell the sons that they must prepare themselves and you will be there for them. Alanon might be of some help.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

I watched my brother destroy himself with the bottle and he ripped my mother off for every dime she had.
My Wife and I were left to pick up the pieces.
You deal as best you can.

 

[elongobardi]

Let the kids know you are there for them. They are the most important ones in this situation. I have a niece that had drug problem that’s my niece and I’m her godfather so I was able to give her tough love but it took 3 1/2 years to get her better. This is someone you don’t really have a relationship with. Plus if you say something to him he might take it out on his kids.


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[MarathonMike]

Let the kids know you are there for them. They are the most important ones in this situation. I have a niece that had drug problem that’s my niece and I’m her godfather so I was able to give her tough love but it took 3 1/2 years to get her better. This is someone you don’t really have a relationship with. Plus if you say something to him he might take it out on his kids.


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I doubt he would take it out on his kids, but I think what he would do is blab about me saying something to him which is the LAST thing I would want. Then he would turn it into another "Ok guys this time it's for real. I got the message and I'm going to turn it around starting today. And then promptly go home hit the Jack Daniels and get high. He is the consummate bullshitter.

 

[JOSweetHeart]

If the person in question has made it clear that they do not care what there choice of action does to other people, all that you can do is be where them other people can go when that person gets to be too much for them.

God bless you and your family always!!!

Holly

P.S. If I was in the spot of them other people, I would be washing my hands of whoever is being the problem because being alone in my opinion is the perfect punishment for anyone who causes nothing but grief for others. After all enabling another person only makes you their accomplice.

 

[JustAnotherNut]

Any chance you can make a date with him? Just a couple of guys out for a beer? Just to get his side of the story? Not that the son is lying or making it up, but to see if BIL even realizes he has a problem or not. If he does, then encourage him to seek help for his own sake as well as his kids. If he doesn't realize he has a problem...…..let him know he does and it's obvious to everyone else.

It's so hard to stand by and do nothing when someone is on that spiral...…..if you can connect, atleast you'll know if he's consciously made that choice with all things considered......or if he's just lost in the current

 

[elongobardi]

Let the kids know you are there for them. They are the most important ones in this situation. I have a niece that had drug problem that’s my niece and I’m her godfather so I was able to give her tough love but it took 3 1/2 years to get her better. This is someone you don’t really have a relationship with. Plus if you say something to him he might take it out on his kids.


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I doubt he would take it out on his kids, but I think what he would do is blab about me saying something to him which is the LAST thing I would want. Then he would turn it into another "Ok guys this time it's for real. I got the message and I'm going to turn it around starting today. And then promptly go home hit the Jack Daniels and get high. He is the consummate bullshitter.

Protect the kids because the way they opened up to you shows that this is taking a toll on them. How old are the kids.


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[Wry Catcher]

Look up Interventions for drug and/or alcoholics out of control. In short get together a group of friends, and family members to speak to him directly one at a time. Tell him what they see, and how it has impacted his life and the life of his family and friends.

The goal is to get him to recognize his disease is impacting a number of people who love and care for him. And, to encourage him to seek professional treatment (I suggest you contact several residential rehab programs and get the facts on interventions in detail, and the cost for in patient treatment in your community).

 

[MarathonMike]

There is no doubt the BIL is killing himself. When I first met him 20 years ago he had a swimmers build. Now he can't get himself up a little hill without a ride on an ATV. They showed me a picture of him, and I wouldn't have known it was him. I call them kids but they are college age like mine.

 

[Wry Catcher]

There is no doubt the BIL is killing himself. When I first met him 20 years ago he had a swimmers build. Now he can't get himself up a little hill without a ride on an ATV. They showed me a picture of him, and I wouldn't have known it was him. I call them kids but they are college age like mine.

They might benefit from Al-Anon meetings

 

[2aguy]

You can make fun of this thread if you want, but it's actually serious. The last couple of days (one of my many) brother-in-laws sons stayed with us during a short job hunting trip. I took them to a couple touristy places and had the chance to get to know them better. When the conversation turned to their dad, I was shocked. It was like the floodgates opened. They are telling me one story after another about broken promises and big talk. They are telling me things like "Mike he won't stop the drugs and drinking, he's put on a hundred pounds. He can't even hunt with us any more! He can't even sit in a tree stand because always has to go to the bathroom. He's always coughing." The look in their eyes broke my heart. I don't know what to say to this guy, I don't know him that well. But god damn, when a mans sons basically spill their guts to you, don't you have to say something? I'm open to any advice on this one, especially anyone with counseling experience. Oh and he also has a girl friend who is spiraling downhill with him. So if things aren't bad enough, there's that too.

So sorry for you, and so sorry for those kids........... At this point, it seems from what you are writing that he is deep into his addiction. At this point, the real person isn't in that body, it is the addiction controlling everything. The best you can hope to do is provide for his family in whatever way you can. From what I have seen, it usually will take about 7 years for an addict to reach the point where they can try to break free......a long, horrible 7 years for the family and those who care for them.

I had family friends, their son was a drug addict, he finally stole his mothers jewelry and other things to pay for his drugs and they finally resorted to having him arrested by the police. It destroyed his parents having to do that. He did his time and was put through rehab, he was living in the drug half way house, and then one day...he died from a drug overdose.

I also know a guy who was an hvac guy we used. His uncle took him in as a boy because his mother was a drug addict.......he taught his nephew the trade, gave him a way to make a living.....and he still became addicted to drugs, but not until he had a wife and 2 children. One day he showed up at my mothers home.....I was visiting and was caught by surprise since we didn't know the situation......I realized fairly quickly that he was going to hit my mother up for money to feed the addiction. I had to tell him I knew what he was up to, my mother didn't have any money and that his only chance would be to go to a church or the salvation army for help, we called his uncle and got the scoop on the nephew....the wife had left the state with the children to live with her family...another tragedy......

.....I think that is all you can do with this guy.....you can't save him....you can point him to where he can save himself...eventually.....


The best thing you can do is be good to his family, help them, they need it now more than ever......be the role model they need to maybe avoid doing what he has done.......don't give him any money.....just tell him to go to a church or the Salvation Army if they can't afford rehab.....

Be there for those kids....try to be someone they can turn to for help....they are the ones you can save....that guy has to save himself, and it doesn't seem like that is going to happen anytime soon....

 

[MarathonMike]

You can make fun of this thread if you want, but it's actually serious. The last couple of days (one of my many) brother-in-laws sons stayed with us during a short job hunting trip. I took them to a couple touristy places and had the chance to get to know them better. When the conversation turned to their dad, I was shocked. It was like the floodgates opened. They are telling me one story after another about broken promises and big talk. They are telling me things like "Mike he won't stop the drugs and drinking, he's put on a hundred pounds. He can't even hunt with us any more! He can't even sit in a tree stand because always has to go to the bathroom. He's always coughing." The look in their eyes broke my heart. I don't know what to say to this guy, I don't know him that well. But god damn, when a mans sons basically spill their guts to you, don't you have to say something? I'm open to any advice on this one, especially anyone with counseling experience. Oh and he also has a girl friend who is spiraling downhill with him. So if things aren't bad enough, there's that too.

So sorry for you, and so sorry for those kids........... At this point, it seems from what you are writing that he is deep into his addiction. At this point, the real person isn't in that body, it is the addiction controlling everything. The best you can hope to do is provide for his family in whatever way you can. From what I have seen, it usually will take about 7 years for an addict to reach the point where they can try to break free......a long, horrible 7 years for the family and those who care for them.

I had family friends, their son was a drug addict, he finally stole his mothers jewelry and other things to pay for his drugs and they finally resorted to having him arrested by the police. It destroyed his parents having to do that. He did his time and was put through rehab, he was living in the drug half way house, and then one day...he died from a drug overdose.

I also know a guy who was an hvac guy we used. His uncle took him in as a boy because his mother was a drug addict.......he taught his nephew the trade, gave him a way to make a living.....and he still became addicted to drugs, but not until he had a wife and 2 children. One day he showed up at my mothers home.....I was visiting and was caught by surprise since we didn't know the situation......I realized fairly quickly that he was going to hit my mother up for money to feed the addiction. I had to tell him I knew what he was up to, my mother didn't have any money and that his only chance would be to go to a church or the salvation army for help, we called his uncle and got the scoop on the nephew....the wife had left the state with the children to live with her family...another tragedy......

.....I think that is all you can do with this guy.....you can't save him....you can point him to where he can save himself...eventually.....


The best thing you can do is be good to his family, help them, they need it now more than ever......be the role model they need to maybe avoid doing what he has done.......don't give him any money.....just tell him to go to a church or the Salvation Army if they can't afford rehab.....

Be there for those kids....try to be someone they can turn to for help....they are the ones you can save....that guy has to save himself, and it doesn't seem like that is going to happen anytime soon....

Thanks. There's no way he's going to be alive in 7 years. He has rich parents who are probably enabling him to a degree. The rest of the family hasn't said anything about him hitting them up for money.

 

[OldLady]

You can make fun of this thread if you want, but it's actually serious. The last couple of days (one of my many) brother-in-laws sons stayed with us during a short job hunting trip. I took them to a couple touristy places and had the chance to get to know them better. When the conversation turned to their dad, I was shocked. It was like the floodgates opened. They are telling me one story after another about broken promises and big talk. They are telling me things like "Mike he won't stop the drugs and drinking, he's put on a hundred pounds. He can't even hunt with us any more! He can't even sit in a tree stand because always has to go to the bathroom. He's always coughing." The look in their eyes broke my heart. I don't know what to say to this guy, I don't know him that well. But god damn, when a mans sons basically spill their guts to you, don't you have to say something? I'm open to any advice on this one, especially anyone with counseling experience. Oh and he also has a girl friend who is spiraling downhill with him. So if things aren't bad enough, there's that too.

Because you don't have counseling experience, you don't understand that there is nothing you can say that will help, except maybe to let the boys know you're there for them. It's got to be hard for them to see their Dad spiral down like that.

 

[sparky]

~S~

 

[WillMunny]

If their dad is highly self-destructive, I would recommend being the best uncle you can for these boys. It gives them a stable family support and a law-abiding, decent role model. You can't really control what another grown adult does with their life, but you can be a solid, positive example for his kids. Especially if they know you're there for them if they need you.

 

[Disir]

But god damn, when a mans sons basically spill their guts to you, don't you have to say something? I'm open to any advice on this one, especially anyone with counseling experience. Oh and he also has a girl friend who is spiraling downhill with him. So if things aren't bad enough, there's that too.

Nope. You don't have to say anything. He already knows and he has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. He has to be willing to change people, places and things. Yes, he will trash you to deflect from himself at best. At worst, he will get high and send you all kinds of texts and drag his children and sister into whatever drama he can. All of the woes will be because of you. You are the problem. Not him. He isn't in a place to take responsibility. The odds are that he and his girlfriend spend their time enabling each other and probably know that they are destructive together but are afraid of being alone. To make that change is like a death.

Depending on how old the kids were when he started using, they might see it as him choosing drugs over them. It's painful to watch and they have to figure out how to distance themselves from him.

I'm not a counselor. I don't have that kind of patience. I work with a lot of addicts.

 

[MarathonMike]

If their dad is highly self-destructive, I would recommend being the best uncle you can for these boys. It gives them a stable family support and a law-abiding, decent role model. You can't really control what another grown adult does with their life, but you can be a solid, positive example for his kids. Especially if they know you're there for them if they need you.

Thanks. Actually maybe that is what I could say to him. Other family members have already given him the talk about how he's killing himself and hurting his family. Maybe what I can say is "Hey man don't worry. When you die, me and the other Uncles will be their for your sons. And when they get married and have kids, we'll be there so it's all good." Kind of a reverse psych thing.

 

[WillMunny]

If their dad is highly self-destructive, I would recommend being the best uncle you can for these boys. It gives them a stable family support and a law-abiding, decent role model. You can't really control what another grown adult does with their life, but you can be a solid, positive example for his kids. Especially if they know you're there for them if they need you.

Thanks. Actually maybe that is what I could say to him. Other family members have already given him the talk about how he's killing himself and hurting his family. Maybe what I can say is "Hey man don't worry. When you die, me and the other Uncles will be their for your sons. And when they get married and have kids, we'll be there so it's all good." Kind of a reverse psych thing.

That may be worth a try. If he's that fucked-up there isn't much to lose anyway and he's earned any embarrassment from it.