Uncle Roy Goes Bear Hunting

[Lord Long Rod]

“Well, Sir, it dun started one night at the county lockup. Ya see, I had come to town fer my monthly supply trip. Per usual, once a month I hook up my old mule, Mabel, to my wagon and ride off inta town. I first stop by the dry goods store to git me sum food stuffs. Then I go by the general store to git me sum reloading supplies. Then I go by my “doctor” ta refill my prescription fer sum of that old sweet H. And of course I pick me up sum corn and sugar, and a shit-ton of sudyfed. Then, if time permits, I stop in at the whore house. As usual, my trouble on this trip began at the whore house.”



“Ya see, I had picked me out this cute little Mexican chick to bang. She took me back to her room. Once in her shagging chamber, instead of immediately takin her drawers off, she grabbed me up all tight and sed ‘I have heard talk of the Great Roy and his great sasquatch cock!’ I sed, ‘Honey, yo pussy is gonna be sore fer a week after tonight.’ Then she put a hand on my belly and started rubbing. Slowly, she worked her way downward, until she came across something hard. She sed ‘Ohhhhh... Is that a gun or are you just glad to see me?’”



“BOOM!!!! It wuz my gun. The dumb bitch got a hold of my Sig that I had stuffed in my pants and managed to cause it to discharge ... right inta her belly! She had a look of horror on her face, feeling that hot lead burning a hole through her tender flesh. I sed ‘You dumb bitch!’ Fortunately, I had not paid her yet.”



“So, I went back out to the parlor and found the Madame. I sed, ‘Shit, that dumb leaf-blower dun shot herself with my gun! Git me another whore! Right now!’ But the Madame wuz none too happy, telling me that the little Mexican chick was a good earner, and that she wuz not paid fer yet. I sed ‘I don’t gives a good fuck bout none of that. I came here to get my freak on and that wuz jest what I intend on doing.’ Well jest about them, sum old dark skinned fella named ‘Escobar’ came a’walkin in.”



“Escobar wuz apparently the dude who supplied the local Madame with whores. The Madame filled him in on what had transpired in the back room. Then Escobar turned his attention toward me. He sed ‘Senor Roy, you owe me. The cost of that whore is $5,000.00. I expect payment RIGHT NOW.’ I sed, ‘Well, shit. Let me looky see if’n I got that much on me.’ I started fishin around in my pockets, like I wuz looking fer cash. Instead, I found my lil old Smith .357 magum, which I promptly drawed.”



“BAM BAM BAM!!!! Escobar hit the floor with a THUD. Unfortunately, sum of Escobar’s associates were jest outside the door. We got into a shootout in the goddamn whore house. Once the smoke cleared, Escobar’s associates were down, as were 5 of the whores. The old Madam wuz REALLY pissed now. She got all up in Old Roy’s face about shooting up her place. That’s when I bitch-slapped her and told her she still owed me a roll in the hay.”



“Right about then I heard the police sirens blarin’. I looked at the Madam and sed ‘You dumb bitch!! Did you call the fucking fuzz on me? Then I back-handed her like she were a red headed step-child.”



“After a minute the local SWAT Team came crashing through the front door of the whore house. Now, the local SWAT Team consists of that sorry-assed, fat-fuck, old Sheriff, His Chief Deputy, Bubba, and his new deputy, Sanchez. They came a’charging in thar, guns drawn, and hollaring fer everyone to hit the floor. In fact, Old Sanchez got right up in my face, waving that lil pussy 9 milly in my face like sum kind of retarded Nick Nolte from “48 Hours”.



“Well, I snatched that lil pistol from Sanchez and pistol whipped the shit outa him with it. As I did it, Bubba stood thar with his mouth hanging open while Old Sheriff did the same. Once Sanchez wuz lyin there unconscious, Sheriff walked over to me and sed, ‘Roy! Now why did you go and do THAT?!? Sanchez is NEW on the force.”



“The Madame came running up to Sheriff telling him all sorts of shit and demanding that he arrest me. I told her to shut the fuck up. Sheriff looked back at me and asked, ‘Now, Roy, tell me what really happened here.’ Now during all this excitement, I failed to notice that Madame had a fucking taser in her hand. She stuck that fuck in my crotch and tased the shit outa my balls. Now let me tell ya something, getting tased in the nads is not at all a pleasant experience. That rat-bastard, Sanchez, came to while I wuz on the floor getting my taters fried, and handcuffed me. I ended up in the local lockup that night.”



“So thar I wuz, sitting my ass in the local jail. I wuz already planning on having a little conversation with Sheriff about this Sanchez prick. I would git my revenge fer this shit. Looking around the cell, there wuz only 1 other person in thar with me...some f#ggy looking guy in skinny-legged jeans weeping into his hands. ‘What an asshole’, I thought.”



“After a few minutes, the little f#ggy guy’s weeping turned into all-out blubbering. I yelled at him ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP!’ He simmered down a little. Then, he got up and came sat down close to me. He told me his name was ‘Eric’ and asked me what I wuz doing in jail. I told him to ‘Fuck off’. But then, I started feeling sorry fer this little asshole, clearly, he did not belong in here. I asked him what a feller like him did to get put into the county pokey.”



“In a wimpy voice, Eric sed ‘I lost my bear.’ I sed ‘lost yer bear? You a bear hunter?’ Eric sed, ‘Well, tonight I wuz. I like bears. That’s my thing... big meaty bears.’ Honestly, I wuz surprised. Old Eric looked like a f#ggy homosexual. Who knew he wuz a bear hunter!! Fer sech a little fella he must have balls the size of melons to hunt bear! Maybe this guy is ok after all.”



“I told old Eric ‘Yeah, I like me sum juicy bear meat too. They ain’t nuthin like a big old hunk of bear meat to fill ya up on a cold night.’ Eric leaned forward and sed, ‘Oh, sister! I hear you!! I mean, I have tried everything on the menu, but there is NOTHING like a BIG MEATY BEAR!’ I thought to myself, ‘Damn! This old boy really likes bear hunting!’ Hell, he’s ok in my book!”



“I went on, saying ‘I usually bear hunt with my old 30.06. What do you use?’ Eric looked at me with a coy expression on his face and sed ‘I use Trojan Magnums’. I nodded my head. I wuz not familiar with Trojan ammo. But I wuz not gonna show my ignorance in front of someone who is such an accomplished bear hunter. I just assumed it wuz one of them new, small batch, specialty ammo makers. Shit, this guy is SERIOUS!”



“I then sed, ‘Man, I sure would like to get a hold of me a big old meaty bear. It’s been a while. Shit, my mouth is watering jest thinking about it!’ Then Eric sed ‘Well, shoot, honey! Jest go down where I go! There’s plenty of bears down there.’ I thought to myself ‘HOLY SHIT!!! This guy is gonna share his honey hole with me!!! Goddamn!!! And he is a SERIOUS bear hunter too!! SHIT!! Now I’m GLAD I got pinched tonight!!’ So I looked at Eric and told him any help putting me on a bar would be much appreciated.”



“Old Eric leaned toward me and in a hushed voice he sed ‘Well, I’ve been getting very lucky down at “The Wet Noodle”. It’s a little bear spot with dancing and cocktails on Highway 92 just across the county line, just inside Mothman County.’ I admit that I wuz plum confused now. I asked ‘dancing and cocktails?’ Eric sed, ‘Oh sure, sweetheart! It’s a dive bar. Just go in there and talk to Bruce. He’s the bartender. Tell him that I sent you and that you are looking for a big old bear. He will set you up!’ I thought, ‘Oh, I get it. Eric is telling me to go talk to Bruce and he would put me on sum bears. To confirm, I asked ‘So, this Bruce fella will hook me up with some good bear huntin?’ Eric sed ‘Honey, you will have you a big bear up your ass before the end of the night!’ ‘HOT DAMN!!!’, I thought.



“About that time old Sheriff came round and told me I could leave. He wuz trying to apologize fer locking me up. I told him to shut up, that this wuz my lucky night! Then, overcome with gratitude fer my new buddy, Eric, I walked over to him and shook his hand. I sed ‘Thanky fer the lead, Eric. I am much appreciative. Look, when you get outa here, ya’ll come look me up. I take ya to do sum Sasquatch hunting.’ Eric raised his hands to his cheeks and expressed surprise. He sed, ‘OH NO!!! Thank you, Roy, but no. I’ll stick to bears. I am only so big back there!’ Goddamn!!! Eric is one SERIOUS bear hunter!! Apparently he LIVES fer bear!”



“I sed goodbye to Eric then walked out of jail. I told Sheriff I wuz gonna borrow one of his patrol cars so I could go to “The Wet Noodle”. Sheriff tried to protest. I told him I wuz taking Sanchez’s car. Sheriff sed ‘Now Roy, Sanchez is in his office writing up his report on you right now. Please don’t go down there starting no trouble. I told Sheriff ‘Not a problem. I’ll hotwire it.’ As I walked out the door Sheriff wuz telling me to be careful and to bring the car back in one piece. I flipped him off as I walked out the door.”



“I broke into Sanchez’s car, hotwired it, and was off in under 2 minutes. I noticed that there wuz Salsa music playing on the radio. ‘Fucking b#aner’, I thought. If I wuz not so amped up fer bar hunting then I would wrap this fucking car around a tree. But as it were, I headed straight to the county line.”



“After about a 30 minute drive I got to “The Wet Noodle”. I parked Sanchez’s patrol car right in the front door, then went inside. I was immediately met by sum loud technotronic music with a loud, thumping beat. It wuz real dark in thar too. Lots of wild dancing and people bumping into you. One thang fer sure: This wuz a hell of a party going on!”



“I found the bar. This well-dressed, stick boy type sashayed over and asked what I would like. I told him I was thar to see Bruce. The man behind the bar sed Bruce wuz in the back getting his dick wet. I laughed and sed ‘Well, I’ll jest wait until he’s done. How about giving me sum Wild Turkey on the rocks?’ The servant obliged.”



“I wuz a little put off bout having to wait to see Bruce whilst he wuz in the back room banging sum bitch, probably a hot little bar maid. But after a few sips of whiskey I started to relax. This joint ain’t half bad. Maybe if they dun something about the music, maybe have a Hank Williams night, and then a Waylon Jennings night, fer example, then I may come to this place on a regular basis. Hell, these old boys here are crazy as fuck!! The dudes are even dancing together! God, don’t That jest beat all!?! Ha ha ha!!!!”



“As I finished up my second whiskey this old boy wearing a sleeveless YMCA tee-shirt and cut-offs walked up to me and asked ‘Are you Roy?’ I told him that would be me. He sed he wuz Bruce and asked what he could do fer me. I sed ‘Well, ya see, I’m a bear hunter. I met this other bear hunter, Eric, who sed I should look you up. He sed you’d put me on sum them thar big bear.’”



“Bruce got all giddy. Apparently he is really into bears too. Bruce sed ‘Ohhhhh, Eric!! Yeah, child, he looooooves bear meat! Bears are the only thing Eric likes. Hee hee hee hee!’ I am thinking, ‘Damn, this Eric dude is a hardcore bear hunter.’”



“I sed to old Bruce, ‘Damn! That Eric boy sounds like a real brute! Ya wouldn’t know it from looking at him. He looks a little scrawny.’ Bruce nodded and sed ‘Yeah, that’s Eric. He can’t put a whole lot of bear meat inside of him. He uses his hands.’ I exclaimed, ‘MOTHER OF GOD!! That little old Eric bear hunts with his BARE HANDS?!?’ Old Bruce nodded.”



“I thought to myself, ‘Son of a bitch! Eric don’t look like much. Hell, I thought he wuz a little f#ggot when I first laid eyes on him. Then, to find out that he’s not only a bear hunter, but that he bear hunts with his BARE HANDS! GODDAMN! That’s one tough sumbitch!’ I was flabbergasted.”



“I turned my attention back to old Bruce, saying ‘Well looky here, Bruce, you got sum bears you can lay on me?’ Bruce thought fer a minute, then snapped his fingers and sed ‘GOT IT! Let me make a quick phone call, honey!’ I thought to myself ‘Honey’?!? Ha ha ha!!! These guys are funnier than watching a Down’s Syndrome kid trying to do algebra!”



“In about 15 minutes old Bruce was back. He told me that he had a ‘big old bear’ ready fer me. He sed, ‘Now what you want to do, Roy, is to take the road out back. It goes about a quarter mile back into the woods then dead ends. Your big bear will be back there waiting on you! We call this bear “Jackhammer”. He will give you a REAL pounding!’”



“I thought to myself, ‘Holy fuck.. “Jackhammer”!’ Bruce sed ‘It’s all set up, honey. You best be off. You don’t want to leave your bear waiting! You need anything before you go?’ I thought fer a minute. Then I remember what Eric sed about his bear loads. I asked Bruce ‘You got any them thar Trojan Magnums?’ Bruce smiled, leaned down and sed ‘Honey pie, just use your hands.’”



“I thunk ‘SON OF A BITCH!! These motherfuckers are sum shore nuff hardcore tough sumbitches!’ I headed out. I got in my stolen police cruiser and looked around fer a gun suitable fer shootin a bear. That rotten rat-fink, Sanchez, had him a Ruger Mini-14 in thar, and that wuz it. This wuz shit fer bear hunting, so I jest decided to go with the .44 magum I wuz carrying on my hip.”



“Well, Sir, I started off down that little road out back of “The Wet Noodle” and headed into the woods. It wuz dark and spooky in thar. Frankly, it looked like a hook-up spot fer queers. I wuz keeping my eyes peeled fer that big old bear.”



“I reached the end of the road and there wuz a goddamn Toyoter Prius parked there. Boy, this pissed me off something fierce! That sumbitch wuz back in here fucking up my hunt! I swerved over, intending to park, get out, and kick that sumbitch’s ass fer scaring off my big old bear. Then, all of a sudden, this great big old Sasquatch stepped outa the woods and onto the road! It was a MONSTER!! This was an unexpected development!”



“This goddamn Bigfoot were a good 13 feet tall er better. Fer sum reason is wuz pissed off, BIG TIME. That fucker walked over to that Prius and flipped it over. Then it started raping that poor car! It wuz a sight I’ll never ferget. That goddamn Sasquatch must of had a pecker made of steel.”



“I then heard screaming coming from inside the flipped Prius. There wuz, indeed, someone inside. This raised an ethical dilemma fer me. Should I high-tail it outa thar since I wuz undergunned fer a Bigfoot of this size, or should I attempt to help my fellow man? I opted fer helping my fellow man.”



“What I did wuz lock the parking brake, floored the gas pedal, and swung that patrol car around with a sweet drift. When I got even with the winders on that Prius, I stopped and lowered my winder. Now that great big old Sasquatch did not seem to mind; it jest kept right on fucking that Prius. The man inside the Prius saw me. I yelled at him ‘Sorry about this, Buddy, but I couldn’t sleep tonight knowing I had left a fellow man out here in these woods to be ripped to pieces by a Sasquatch.’ I then took aim with my .44 magum and blew half the guy’s head off. BOOM!!!!”



“I floored it! The beast slapped the patrol car as I sped by, breaking out the rear winder. But lookin in the rear view mirror, I seen that the monster went back to raping the Prius. I got back to “The Wet Noodle” and jest kept on a’going. Those motherfuckers in thar are jest too fucking tough and crazy fer my taste!”



“Driving home I thought about that asshole in the Prius. ‘Poor guy’, I thought. But at least he died in a humane way. It wuz funny how one minute I wuz gonna probably beat that guy to death fer running off my bar, then I performed an act of mercy on him. ‘Oh well’, I thought, ‘Fuck him!’”