- Oct 31, 2012
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Tucker Takes New Role On ‘The View’
NEW YORK, NY — As part of a plan to broaden its audience, the long-running daytime talk show The View has announced former Fox News host Tucker Carlson will be joining the program's panel. Producers hope Carlson's presence will both draw new viewers and educate current cast members.
babylonbee.com
As part of a plan to broaden its audience, the long-running daytime talk show The View has announced former Fox News host Tucker Carlson will be joining the program's panel. Producers hope Carlson's presence will both draw new viewers and educate current cast members.
"Tucker's going to be a great addition," said Executive Producer Brian Teta. "Not only will we reap the benefits of bringing in a more politically conservative audience but our other co-hosts will benefit from hearing new political perspectives! Win-win!"
Early test footage shows Carlson surrounded by laughing women looking perplexed, apparently shocked by a dumb thing Joy Behar said.
Though Carlson had quickly become a hot commodity on the media landscape after his shocking departure from Fox News was announced, his new co-panelists expressed mixed feelings about him joining the group. "We don't tolerate any differing opinions on this show," said longest-tenured panelist Joy Behar. "There's a reason the program is called ‘The View,' and not 'The Views!' There is only one acceptable view around here! Tucker is a Nazi!" She then screeched loudly and attempted to claw the conservative anchor's eyes out.
The program has featured some conservative voices in the past, but analysts believe this time will be far different. "It's going to be a bloodbath, for sure," said one expert. "Just wait until Whoopi Goldberg says something really stupid and Tucker has to respond. Must-see TV, right there."
At publishing time, Behar, Goldberg, Sunny Hostin, and Ana Navarro were considering walking out and reportedly already accusing producers of perpetrating "literal violence" simply by hiring Carlson.
Don Lemon To Continue Job Of Lecturing People As Starbucks Barista
NEW YORK, NY — Former CNN host Don Lemon has quickly landed on his feet after his sudden firing yesterday, as he will now have the opportunity to continue lecturing the American public from his new position as a barista at his local Starbucks.
babylonbee.com
Former CNN host Don Lemon has quickly landed on his feet after his sudden firing yesterday, as he will now have the opportunity to continue lecturing the American public from his new position as a barista at his local Starbucks.
"You certainly have a lot of gall," Lemon was overheard saying to one Starbucks patron this morning. "You spend five minutes waiting in line, then you get up here to order, and you don't know what you want? Can you say, ‘privilege?' Shame on you, sir! SHAME on you!"
The Starbucks location manager jumped at the chance to hire Lemon, citing his well-established arrogance and track record of looking down on other people. "He's a natural!" said store manager Gaby Posteuca. "The snobby tone in his voice. The condescension. It's all perfect. I didn't care that he didn't have barista experience. He's just gone from lecturing people while they bring him his coffee to lecturing people while he gets them their coffee. It's a perfect fit!"
Lemon seemed to settle into the new role quickly. "A ‘white' mocha latte, you said?" he could be heard asking another customer. "So, you're not even trying to hide the fact that your preference is ‘white.' I'm afraid, sir, that your unconscious bias is showing through quite clearly."
Though, according to reports, his first day was progressing well, Lemon was still seen looking wistfully into a mirror and shedding a single tear during his break.
At publishing time, the store manager was committed to sticking with Lemon despite the fact that he was last heard telling a middle-aged female customer if she waited any longer to decide on her order, she would be past her prime.
