Tax Time Is Coming

[Annie]

Got this in an email:

Here is one person's answer to Tax Frustration. It is supposedly a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre
denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They
are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and
no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about
them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to
reassign them back to me next year and reinstate the deductions. They
are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes
should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's
wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to
drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the face
of overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a
rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February,
I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were toilet papering houses. In
the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to
deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll
take care of filing your phone number with the vice- principal. Oh yes,
he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They
find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it.
But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount
of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out
of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am
sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she
sort of "nests" in her room, and I think that it would be easier to move
the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get
to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest
two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am
free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling
before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I
won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Name withheld to protect the sane.

(Allegedly, the IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)

 

[Yurt]

If that letter is real, it is pure genius.