Blackrook
Diamond Member
- Jun 20, 2014
- 22,117
- 12,150
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Every one in the galaxy, including the Emperor, likes the new Star Wars except me.
And before I begin my review, I thought Lucas was greedy as he made billions selling toys, lunch boxes, games based on Star Wars.
But I was wrong. Disney is so greedy that we must all stand in awe as every commercial on TV ties in with Star Wars: pick-up trucks, cell phones, soup, it doesn't matter what it is, it ties in with Star Wars. This is greed at a level that George Lucas could not match. He sold Star Wars to Disney for $4 billion. Disney will take that much in less than a year, and the rest will be pure profit.
Now, how to begin the review.
I'm sure you've heard that audiences and critics love this movie, with barely any word of dissent. But someone must tell the truth.
The fact is, the new Star Wars sucks.
And that's because everyone wanted a movie that was just like the original, so that's what they did, they made a movie just like the original.
Here is how it goes:
There is a black stormtrooper who defects to the "Resistance" (new name for the Rebellion). He refuses to shoot helpless villagers while the other storm troopers have no problem with it. He is the replacement for Lando Calrissian, just a reminder that not all humans are white in the Star Wars universe. Otherwise, he's clueless about what's going on, or why he's supposed to kill people. This guy would have failed the psych exam in Stormtrooper school.
There is the fighter pilot hot shot, who is the replacement for Luke Skywalker before he met Yoda. we never really get to know about him, because is time on stage is less than five minutes.
The stormtrooper rescues the hot shot pilot, and they somehow escape in a two seat TIE fighter, but not without slaughtering hundreds of stormtroopers in the process.
And that's right, TIE fighters are still used by the Empire (not really the Empire but a group called "The New Order" but I will get to that.
Wait, I skipped something important. Before he is captured the hot shot pilot gives secret plans to a droid and tells him to keep it safe.
And by the way, this is happening on a desert planet, which isn't Tatooine, but looks like it.
Also, there is a girl who somehow has every skill known. If this was fan fiction, she is the Mary Sue. Everyone, even Han Solo, follows her leadership.
Oh, did I mention Han Solo and Chewbacca are in the movie, and the Millenium Falcon?
Didn't want to skip that detail.
By this time in the movie, I realized that this is not a sequel, it is a remake of the first movie.
There was no explanation why, despite the fact that the Empire was destroyed in Episode 6, they are still destroying planets with a weapon that is even more powerful than the two Death Stars.
But after thinking carefully, you realize that all the events in Episode 6 did not really happen. We've got the same Empire fighting with the same Rebellion, but both sides have changed their names. And they haven't even changed the fighters they use, the uniforms, or anything else.
I'm not going to go into details about all the battles and other shit that happens. That's expected in a Star Wars movie. And once again, armies of Stormtroopers are no match for a teenage girl, a Stormtrooper deserter, and an old man and his old Wookie companion. Oh, yeah they have a droid too, only now he's orange and he rolls around on a ball. How the head stays on a rolling ball was not explained. In fact, nothing is explained.
The teenage girl, who's name is Rae I believe, has proven that feminism has changed everything since the original movie was made. She is a Princess Leia replacement, but she is also a Han Solo replacement, and a Luke Skywalker replacement. She doesn't really need help from anyone, and when others try to help her, she gets pissed off. When the black stormtrooper reject grabs her hand to help her run faster from explosions, all she can think about how she doesn't like him to hold her hand. This is very PC, which tells us that we must never touch women unless we get written consent. Or maybe she's a racist.
I'm getting more and more exasperated writing this, because there's still a long way to go to describe how truly shitty this movie is. Of course, that's only my opinion, a lone voice in a chorus of people who like the movie and watch more.
But here's the movie in short: it steals everything that ever happened in the previous six movies.
Cantina full of underworld aliens. Check.
TIE fighters battling X-wing fighters. Check,
A character that sells scrap she finds in the desert. Check.
Ok, that means that she is a Jawa replacement character too.
She fights with a long stick, making her a Sand People replacement character.
And I was bored through all of it, because I knew that whatever the odds, the main characters would survive with only minor wounds.
Except one, but that was predictable too.
And this is the "big secret" of the movie, so I won't talk about it.
But I saw it coming, and in hindsight, it was the only way to get rid of this guy, because otherwise he is hogging the spot light from the new characters, especially Rae.
Remember all the hype about the female stormtrooper in a metal outfit. She doesn't do shit and I wonder why they even put her in the movie. Maybe she was a token character for the bad guys, proving that the Empire also follows PC rules that women are now allowed in combat.
I won't even tell you how the big planet smashing weapon is destroyed. That's because you have already seen it twice before. The SAME DAMN THING EVERY TIME.
Did Disney ever do anything that was original in this movie. No, because Disney plays it safe. They want to make billions on the merchandise, and they're not going to risk it on a movie that isn't totally like the previous 6 movies.
The only character that I can understand is "General" Leia. She's old, she's tired, she's worn out. Apparently, she's been fighting the same war for 30 years, and there's been no progress in all that time. It's like our war in Afghanistan and Iraq. There is no end, because when the Empire is destroyed, a newer group pops up that is even more evil than the Empire, or even worse.
The old Empire killed Jawas and Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru for a reason, to cover their tracks while looking for the droids. When Grand Moff Tarkin destroyed Alderaan, they had a reason, which was to try to get Leia to disclose the hidden Rebel base.
The new Empire kills just for the hell of it, slaughtering villagers and blowing up planets for no reason. They are like ISIS, and there's no point in trying to negotiate with them.
The movie ends in a predictable way. I won't spoil this "secret" either. Let's just say that it is a good intro into the next movie, letting audiences know that Star Wars will never, ever, ever, ever end.
And before I begin my review, I thought Lucas was greedy as he made billions selling toys, lunch boxes, games based on Star Wars.
But I was wrong. Disney is so greedy that we must all stand in awe as every commercial on TV ties in with Star Wars: pick-up trucks, cell phones, soup, it doesn't matter what it is, it ties in with Star Wars. This is greed at a level that George Lucas could not match. He sold Star Wars to Disney for $4 billion. Disney will take that much in less than a year, and the rest will be pure profit.
Now, how to begin the review.
I'm sure you've heard that audiences and critics love this movie, with barely any word of dissent. But someone must tell the truth.
The fact is, the new Star Wars sucks.
And that's because everyone wanted a movie that was just like the original, so that's what they did, they made a movie just like the original.
Here is how it goes:
There is a black stormtrooper who defects to the "Resistance" (new name for the Rebellion). He refuses to shoot helpless villagers while the other storm troopers have no problem with it. He is the replacement for Lando Calrissian, just a reminder that not all humans are white in the Star Wars universe. Otherwise, he's clueless about what's going on, or why he's supposed to kill people. This guy would have failed the psych exam in Stormtrooper school.
There is the fighter pilot hot shot, who is the replacement for Luke Skywalker before he met Yoda. we never really get to know about him, because is time on stage is less than five minutes.
The stormtrooper rescues the hot shot pilot, and they somehow escape in a two seat TIE fighter, but not without slaughtering hundreds of stormtroopers in the process.
And that's right, TIE fighters are still used by the Empire (not really the Empire but a group called "The New Order" but I will get to that.
Wait, I skipped something important. Before he is captured the hot shot pilot gives secret plans to a droid and tells him to keep it safe.
And by the way, this is happening on a desert planet, which isn't Tatooine, but looks like it.
Also, there is a girl who somehow has every skill known. If this was fan fiction, she is the Mary Sue. Everyone, even Han Solo, follows her leadership.
Oh, did I mention Han Solo and Chewbacca are in the movie, and the Millenium Falcon?
Didn't want to skip that detail.
By this time in the movie, I realized that this is not a sequel, it is a remake of the first movie.
There was no explanation why, despite the fact that the Empire was destroyed in Episode 6, they are still destroying planets with a weapon that is even more powerful than the two Death Stars.
But after thinking carefully, you realize that all the events in Episode 6 did not really happen. We've got the same Empire fighting with the same Rebellion, but both sides have changed their names. And they haven't even changed the fighters they use, the uniforms, or anything else.
I'm not going to go into details about all the battles and other shit that happens. That's expected in a Star Wars movie. And once again, armies of Stormtroopers are no match for a teenage girl, a Stormtrooper deserter, and an old man and his old Wookie companion. Oh, yeah they have a droid too, only now he's orange and he rolls around on a ball. How the head stays on a rolling ball was not explained. In fact, nothing is explained.
The teenage girl, who's name is Rae I believe, has proven that feminism has changed everything since the original movie was made. She is a Princess Leia replacement, but she is also a Han Solo replacement, and a Luke Skywalker replacement. She doesn't really need help from anyone, and when others try to help her, she gets pissed off. When the black stormtrooper reject grabs her hand to help her run faster from explosions, all she can think about how she doesn't like him to hold her hand. This is very PC, which tells us that we must never touch women unless we get written consent. Or maybe she's a racist.
I'm getting more and more exasperated writing this, because there's still a long way to go to describe how truly shitty this movie is. Of course, that's only my opinion, a lone voice in a chorus of people who like the movie and watch more.
But here's the movie in short: it steals everything that ever happened in the previous six movies.
Cantina full of underworld aliens. Check.
TIE fighters battling X-wing fighters. Check,
A character that sells scrap she finds in the desert. Check.
Ok, that means that she is a Jawa replacement character too.
She fights with a long stick, making her a Sand People replacement character.
And I was bored through all of it, because I knew that whatever the odds, the main characters would survive with only minor wounds.
Except one, but that was predictable too.
And this is the "big secret" of the movie, so I won't talk about it.
But I saw it coming, and in hindsight, it was the only way to get rid of this guy, because otherwise he is hogging the spot light from the new characters, especially Rae.
Remember all the hype about the female stormtrooper in a metal outfit. She doesn't do shit and I wonder why they even put her in the movie. Maybe she was a token character for the bad guys, proving that the Empire also follows PC rules that women are now allowed in combat.
I won't even tell you how the big planet smashing weapon is destroyed. That's because you have already seen it twice before. The SAME DAMN THING EVERY TIME.
Did Disney ever do anything that was original in this movie. No, because Disney plays it safe. They want to make billions on the merchandise, and they're not going to risk it on a movie that isn't totally like the previous 6 movies.
The only character that I can understand is "General" Leia. She's old, she's tired, she's worn out. Apparently, she's been fighting the same war for 30 years, and there's been no progress in all that time. It's like our war in Afghanistan and Iraq. There is no end, because when the Empire is destroyed, a newer group pops up that is even more evil than the Empire, or even worse.
The old Empire killed Jawas and Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru for a reason, to cover their tracks while looking for the droids. When Grand Moff Tarkin destroyed Alderaan, they had a reason, which was to try to get Leia to disclose the hidden Rebel base.
The new Empire kills just for the hell of it, slaughtering villagers and blowing up planets for no reason. They are like ISIS, and there's no point in trying to negotiate with them.
The movie ends in a predictable way. I won't spoil this "secret" either. Let's just say that it is a good intro into the next movie, letting audiences know that Star Wars will never, ever, ever, ever end.
