She'll shop till I drop..

[dmp]

BY DAVE BARRY

July 18, 2004

I can't shop with my wife. The problem is that she almost never has a clear objective. I ALWAYS have a clear objective. Without a clear objective, you're just wandering randomly around a store, which is NOT the point of shopping.

This is not just my opinion: This is the opinion of literally thousands of Nobel-Prize-winning scientists whose names are available upon request. These scientists have traced the origins of shopping back to prehistoric times, when ''shopping'' was called ''hunting,'' and primitive man would make out his ''shopping list'' by drawing, on his cave wall, a picture of his objective, usually a large wad of meat in the form of, say, a yak. He would then go out into the wild, locate his objective, and make the ''purchase'' by whomping the yak on the head with a club.

This primitive shopper did not dilly-dally. He did not ask whether the yak was on sale. He did not try to accessorize the yak. He did not summon his primitive men friends and ask them if they thought the yak made his hips look big. No, he just WHOMPED THE YAK, and then he dragged it home, stopping only to whomp the primitive sales guys who appeared out of nowhere and tried to force him to purchase the service agreement.

This is the biological basis for shopping. And this is why, even today, most men, when they shop, are yak-whompers. They do not wander: They go straight for the kill. I know I do. When I enter a store, I have a definite, practical, no-nonsense objective in mind, which is to locate, and secure, an electronic gizmo that I already have, except the new one has more features.

For example, recently, in a surgical shopping strike so blindingly fast you would need slow-motion replay to even see it, I located and secured a new cellphone that, in addition to being a phone, receives e-mail AND takes extremely low-quality photographs. It has changed my life. Now, when I'm not using my phone's cellphone feature (''Hello? Hello? Hello?'') I can use the camera feature to record precious moments that I can share with others. (''Here's a picture of my daughter's ballet recital. Or, the Grand Canyon.'') And thanks to my phone's e-mail feature, even when I'm away from my computer, I can receive the literally hundreds of urgent messages I receive every day from people wishing to enhance my manhood.

My wife did not understand why I needed this phone. Yet every guy I show it to immediately agrees that it is a vital necessity. I have a friend named Robert who has a similar phone, and recently we discovered that, theoretically, I could ''beam'' my address and phone number from my phone to his phone THROUGH THE AIR. I say ''theoretically'' because we could not get it to actually work, although we spent a good 10 minutes standing about a foot apart, pointing our phones at each other and fruitlessly pressing buttons. Several women watched this with some amusement; they suggested that -- get this -- it might be quicker for me to just TELL Robert my address and phone number, which would have represented a wanton and reckless disregard on our part for the beaming feature. These women also suggested that we look at our owner's manuals, which of course is out of the question. For a guy, reading the manual is tantamount to admitting that, manhoodwise, you are in the hamster category.

But my point is that I acquired this phone via the standard guy method: in a bold, decisive, lightning-quick stroke. You're in; you're out; you're done! (I'm talking about shopping here.) Whereas my wife, when she gets inside a store, routinely takes astoundingly long periods of time to accomplish, essentially, nothing. She just shops! With no objective! She can spend what feels like days just looking at -- without actually purchasing -- stationery. She's always in the market for stationery because she's always writing notes to her women friends, who are always writing notes back to her thanking her for her note, which causes HER to write back to THEM, and so on.

So I can't go shopping with her. It makes me crazy. If I needed stationery, bang, I would grab some stationery and get the hell out of there. Of course I don't need stationery, because, as a guy, I never write notes. If I ever had a message for one of my friends, I would just beam it to him. Or I will, once I have mastered that feature.

 

[Sandy73]

Typical man thing to do ! Bitch bitch bitch !

 

[Joz]

My mother was one of those women. Liked to go to the mall just to look. I'm one of those weird women who don't like to shop. I occassionally like to wonder thru a store & see what kind of new tool or nail polish or color scheme that's popular. And I don't consider going to the grocery store 'shopping'. Shopping can be fun. That is sheer torture.

 

[Sandy73]

Well, Im not gonna lie I love to shop and spend all day in the mall ! :clap1:

Especially when I have $$$$$$ ! Oh and a Mochasippi from the coffee shop !

 

[Annie]

Joz, I'm with you! I hate, I mean really HATE to shop. I do all my Christmas shopping in 2 days, after everyone tells me what they want.

The only thing that is ok to shop for is shoes!

Now, I can spend hours at either Home Depot or Crate and Barrell, but hate malls!

 

[Joz]

Now, I can spend hours at either Home Depot or Crate and Barrell, but hate malls!

Now, isn't Home Depot or Lowe's about the neatest place you can be? I don't think I've ever been to a Crate & Barrel. Is it like a Pottery Barn?

As far as Christmas, I have most of that done already. I get all the obligations out of the way so I can concentrate on the important ones in my life. I just finished 24 wooden reindeer for my daughter-in-law's office gifts.

 

[Hobbit]

Strangely enough, my dad is the one that shops for hours, which my mom goes for hin-and-run shopping. That's why I prefer to shop with my mom. If I go shopping with my mom, we are going to buy something and we know exactly what, we just have to find some good versions of that thing for a relatively low price, preferably a sale price. In high school, I could get a year's worth of school clothes in under an hour with my mom. If I went with my dad, it meant I'd have to come back later...with my mom...to finish up, since dad couldn't get done looking at the first square foot of merchandise before the store closed.

On a side note, I love Dave Barry. I read his column every week, which is made easier by the fact that it's published in the free school newspaper. He also came and spoke at our school (University of Arkansas, btw), which was also free for students. He talked about Miami being a "target-rich environment" for a humor columnist by telling us the story about how the chief of police was struck and nearly killed by a huge bail of cocaine falling from the sky.

 

[Annie]

Now, isn't Home Depot or Lowe's about the neatest place you can be? I don't think I've ever been to a Crate & Barrel. Is it like a Pottery Barn?

As far as Christmas, I have most of that done already. I get all the obligations out of the way so I can concentrate on the important ones in my life. I just finished 24 wooden reindeer for my daughter-in-law's office gifts.

Crate & Barrel to the best of my knowledge started in Chicago. My mom dragged me down there when I was pretty young, to Old Town during the 60's or 70's. Hard to explain Old Town in Chicago during those years, maybe a very commercial Haight Ashbury kind of place, ahem for the Midwest! It maybe that excursion when I came back with incense, Jimi Hendrix poster, and beads for my room that I fell in love with Crate & Barrel.

At that time it was like a huge warehouse full of glassware, tableware, kitchen gadgets and utensils that I'd never seen before. Lots of wood, butcher block of course. Platform beds, they had them, Thomasville didn't!
Today they still have a huge selection of kitchen and entertaining goods, but their furniture selection is outstanding, if you like casual. They have followed me through the years, a larger store is underway now in Oak Brook and they are on Michigan Boulevard and other malls too.

 

[Joz]

Crate & Barrel to the best of my knowledge started in Chicago......

After I read your post I looked them up on the Web. What a cool store!! On the same line of a Pier One or Pottery Barn. A hodge podge of merchandise you REALLY want to find a use for!

But you see, I can buy something at Home Depot and rationalize the purchase much better!!

 

[Annie]

After I read your post I looked them up on the Web. What a cool store!! On the same line of a Pier One or Pottery Barn. A hodge podge of merchandise you REALLY want to find a use for!

But you see, I can buy something at Home Depot and rationalize the purchase much better!!

On that we cannot argue! With the exception of when I get some great illusion that I can do plumbing or something! What a sight to behold! Now a wonder cow platter! That will be used, at least til my kids hide it!

 

[Semper Fi]

I dont like shopping with my mom. Nor my dad or brother. I dont like looking at things in stores. But if you throw me in an outdoor store or anywhere that sells guns religously, I'll go hog-wild and spend loads of money. Oh man, you should see me at gun shows...

 

[Joz]

On that we cannot argue! With the exception of when I get some great illusion that I can do plumbing or something! What a sight to behold! Now a wonder cow platter! That will be used, at least til my kids hide it!

:rotflmao:

 

[5stringJeff]

I will only shop at three places:

Best Buy
Borders
Guitar Center

 

[Sandy73]

Learners

Old Navy

Express

Thats my hangouts ! :clap1:

 

[Joz]

I will only shop at three places:

Best Buy
Borders
Guitar Center

I, too, have spent a small fortune in these stores. With 2 musicians in the family.......Guitar Center rules!