Poor Man's Crusade: Christian Psychos (Notre Dame)

Abishai100

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Sep 22, 2013
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Does modern civilization remind you of an 'Indiana Jones arcade'?

This FBI vignette was inspired by The Purge: Anarchy.

Signing off (Happy Summer, USMB!),





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An Algerian cartoonist named Ali was living in America and working for Marvel Comics, making drawings and storyboards of the superheroine Squirrel-Girl (a nature-loving semi-squirrel woman with terrific imagination). Ali's Squirrel-Girl art/stories became quite popular, and since he was a born-again Christian, he decided to use his newfound comic world celebrity to promote community values through the 'spirit' of Squirrel-Girl.

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Ali lived at home with his mother who worked from home (for an insurance company). Ali always wore blue shirts, since be believed the color blue represented something clean or true. Ali was a big fan of Squirrel-Girl and was generally very happy. Ali's comics work gained the attention of a deranged gang of animal-mask wearing psychopaths known as the Dead Rabbits who wielded axes and machetes and murdered cops. The Dead Rabbits 'worked' around the globe and killed numerous policemen (but never women). The Dead Rabbits considered Ali to be a pioneer and genius, but mostly because they shared his passion for animalia-themed expressions --- in this case, Squirrel-Girl! Ali's celebrity was indeed unusual now...

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Ali was in the end just a fun-loving and affable comic-book artist, so when he started receiving letters from the Dead Rabbits about the joviality and imaginative aspects of his Squirrel-Girl work for Marvel Comics, he feared that his art was gaining an undesirable form of attention. However, an FBI agent named Lia M. contacted Ali and began working with him closely. Lia was the main FBI agent assigned to track the Dead Rabbits. Lia wanted to use Ali's Squirrel-Girl art to create a 'trail' to track the Dead Rabbits. Ali agreed to help the FBI but continued to consider his art as purely an expression of human joy.

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After one year of working with Lia, Ali then received a 'family photo' of the Dead Rabbits sent to him by a female member of the Dead Rabbits named Shelbye. Shelbye wanted Ali to have this sacred family photo of the Dead Rabbits and also wanted to meet Ali, claiming she was in love with him. Ali realized that Shelbye was very thoughtful and intelligent even though she was part of a psychotic gang; he decided to show Shelbye's letter to Lia. Lia advised Ali to go ahead and meet with Shelbye (so the FBI could use her as a potential informant to track her psychotic gang which was believed to be operating in Australia and Belgium at the moment). The Dead Rabbits all wore rabbit-masks (as Shelbye's family photo revealed).

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Ali met with Shelbye at a college fraternity Halloween party at the University of Notre Dame. Shelbye was wearing a large Playboy rabbit-mask and was very very attractive and blonde. Ali instantly was infatuated with her but wondered what he should tell her regarding the FBI and Lia tracking Shelbye's gang. That night, Ali and Shelbye had a terrific time at the Notre Dame frat Halloween party, and afterwards Ali took Shelbye to a hotel room where they consummated their romance. Ali broke down and confided in Shelbye and explained that the FBI was tracking her gang/family. Shelbye panicked and demanded to know if Ali intended to betray her, and Ali told her he wanted to marry Shelbye. Shelbye agreed to help Ali and work with Lia and the FBI to work something out with the Dead Rabbits. Ali's complicated life seemed to be getting less complicated.

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Ali and Shelbye told Lia and the FBI that the Dead Rabbits were amateur artists and made wood-cut weapons shaped like odd swords and machetes and axes with special colored handle-bands. These wood-weapon 'toys' symbolized the Dead Rabbits' mission and crusade, so the FBI could potentially make mock-weapons to resemble these wood-cut sacred toys the Dead Rabbits kept to lure them into some kind of negotiation. Lia realized that the Dead Rabbits considered these artifacts very valuable, so she believed Shelbye when Shelbye explained that this was the best way to please all parties. Lia promised Ali that he and Shelbye would remain safe and could marry each other. Shelbye never killed anyone, though she was a part of the Dead Rabbits.

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After the Dead Rabbits discovered Shelbye's betrayal, they assigned a more vicious female member of the gang named Shania to stalk and kill Shelbye and Ali. Shania always wore red dresses/outfits and carried red apples (like a witch!) and dyed her hair red and wore a Christian cross around her neck. Shania believed the Dead Rabbits would achieve something no other psycho-cult such as the Manson Family had --- true species transformation! Lia knew the Dead Rabbits would send someone to interfere with the FBI after discovering Shelbye's betrayal so she had Ali and Shelbye transported to a safe-house before communicating with the Dead Rabbits about the wood-cut weapons toys which the FBI now made replicas of for the negotiation session. Shania was still furious...

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LIA: We've made these wood-cut weapons replicas to negotiate.
DEAD RABBIT: We understand. You want to admit us into psychiatric treatment!
LIA: Well, we thought these wood-cut toy replicas would express our intention to help you.
DEAD RABBIT: So...Shelbye has told you about our sacred spiritualism.
LIA: We're not exploiting what Shelbye told us; we want to use her advice to save you.
DEAD RABBIT: No one can save us; we're irreversible.
LIA: That's not true; Shelbye is marrying Ali.
DEAD RABBIT: We loved Ali's Squirrel-Girl art, but we're unconvinced about this agenda.
LIA: Listen to me; if you persist, you'll be painted as demons of humanity (doomed).
DEAD RABBIT: What do you intend to do with us?
LIA: We seek to use your creative side to foster an incarceration program.
DEAD RABBIT: So we sit in a loony-asylum making wood-cut weapons toys?
LIA: Precisely! This will help you work out your more savage instincts.
DEAD RABBIT: Who are you, Batwoman?
LIA: Something like that...
DEAD RABBIT: Why should we integrate ourselves into civilization?
LIA: You stand a better chance at soul-salvation in a mental institution!
DEAD RABBIT: You're not going to pursue the death-penalty?
LIA: That would seem sane, but in this case, your group is obviously in need of help.
DEAD RABBIT: What makes us different from the Manson Family?
LIA: Well for one thing, Shelbye fell in love with Ali; we believe your incarceration helps.
DEAD RABBIT: So you want to make an example out of us?
LIA: Well, not exactly like that! We want to assure humanity that treatment is possible.
DEAD RABBIT: What's so 'special' about a human civilization 'sullied' by consumerism?
LIA: We will show you the wonders of consumerism imagination at the Asylum.
DEAD RABBIT: Hey, we like Apple computers; we like Notre Dame (where Shelbye went).
LIA: Let us save you...


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Ali and Shelbye and Ali's mother fled to Europe and lived in Switzerland under the FBI's protection. Ali and Shelbye married. Shania was never able to track and kill Ali and Shelbye, and agent Lia M. continued to negotiate with the Dead Rabbits and assisted them into the Washington Center for the Criminally-Insane (the Asylum) where members of the Dead Rabbits were treated (just as Lia had suggested/promised!). Lia brought artworks about strange Christian mythology and demon-art while the Dead Rabbits made wood-cut weapon replica toys at the Asylum. Lia was given a special commendation by the FBI, and Shania also was admitted eventually to the Asylum. Ali continued to live in Switzerland with Shelbye. Ali concluded that the entire Squirrel-Girl related 'poor-man's crusade' regarding the psychiatric treatment of the Dead Rabbits was a surefire sign of modern evangelism(!).

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GOD: It seems Lia M. has achieved the impossible...
SATAN: Yes, the Dead Rabbits were a modern hellmouth!
GOD: I'm happy for Ali and Shelbye.
SATAN: Yes, it seems his Squirrel-Girl art has somehow helped more than he expected.
GOD: Perhaps law and order is more organized in times of great traffic and social networking.
SATAN: Things could have become much more chaotic...e.g., 9/11.
GOD: Terrorism is the worst malady of modern civilization.
SATAN: Perhaps Lia's work with the Dead Rabbits inspires thoughts about 'medicine.'
GOD: I was very worried that Burger King, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street would not inspire.
SATAN: Commercial traffic has two sides --- networking and terrorism.
GOD: The Dead Rabbits were a modernism 'phenomenon.'
SATAN: The FBI will surely use this achievement as a model for social control.
GOD: Are you a fan of IBM?
SATAN: As long as consumerism makes toys, youth will be fostered!
GOD: Apple computers resemble toys.
SATAN: Disbelief in consumerism creativity is dangerous...
GOD: Let's go watch the film Toys (Robin Williams) on Netflix.
SATAN: We should also watch the Notre Dame football film Rudy (Sean Astin)!
GOD: Yes, Rudy symbolizes new age pluralism idealism (and media!).
SATAN: I wonder why cop and lawyer media are so popular...
GOD: Yes, Law & Order, NYPD Blue, and Copland (Sylvester Stallone) are all symbolic.
SATAN: God bless the FBI!


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:dance:
 

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