And finally, New Rule: Republicans have to stop calling the Wall Street protesters "hippies". Yes, they're peeing outdoors, and having sex in sleeping bags, or as Bristol Palin calls it, "dating". But they're not hippies!
The hippies are all gone. Woodstock was 42 years ago. Forget the brown acid, the people who were at Woodstock are now taking the blue Viagra. "Turn on, tune in, drop out", refers to their hearing aids. Wavy Gravy is 75 years old. He's making wavy gravy in his pants.
Now, last Saturday, I was in our nation's capital, and I had the chance to see for myself what was going on when I visited Occupy DC. Everyone was extraordinarily well-behaved, and contrary to reports, I was not offered a single marijuana cigarette. And I'm a little insulted. All right, someone did give me a magic mushroom, and it did blow my mind, and I thank you, Senator McConnell. And sorry about your eyebrows, I'm sure they'll grow back.
Anyway, the next morning, when I woke up bloody and naked in the woods, I had a relevation... I mean, a revelation. Of course conservatives want to make this about hippies, because they like to live in the past! Rush Limbaugh, who really is too square to be a drug addict, said, "When the free drugs run out, when the free sex runs out, they'll get bored and move on to something else."
Oh that's right, Grandpa. Look at them, strumming their sitars and wearing dungarees. Whatever happened to the good old days of segregation and date rape? But I get it. You're bitter because we fought a culture war in the '60s and the Right lost. Rick Santorum is like that Japanese soldier on the island who doesn't know the war is over, so he's still fighting against birth control and butt sex.
Plus, Republicans are now mostly a Southern party, and if there's one thing Southerners don't do well, it's lose a war and get over it. (audience applause) But that war is indeed over. The ideals of the youth movement became assimilated into American society. That's why we have gays in the military now, and pre-natal yoga classes, and tofurkey. And that's why Rick Santorum will never be President, and a black guy who snorted cocaine is. (audience applause)
It's also why there's not going to be a repeat of what happened the last time the hippies were in the streets. Those hard hats that you're depending on to turn against the lousy hippies? Heh. Here's what they're doing now. They're cheering them on. (audience applause) Because now, the hard hats are just as broke as everybody else.
These people down there, they're not the counter-culture. They're the culture. (audience applause) They don't want free love. They want paid employment. (audience applause) They don't hate capitalism. They hate what's been done to it. (audience applause)
And they resent the Republican mantra that the market perfectly rewards the hard-working and punishes the lazy, and the poor are just jealous moochers who want a handout. Yeah, because if there's one group of people who hate handouts, it's Wall Street.
