Life After Trauma

[ChrisL]

In my family, my mother's mother was in the Magdalene Laundries, my mother was sent to America and fostered by a family. She abandoned care of my sister and me to foster care. She had a third child and that child had two children before she was 18 and had them adopted out. Three generations of mother abandoning their children.

Damn. Your upbringing sounds a lot like the stuff that some of the kids I work with go through.

that must have been incredibly painful. I'm sorry you went through that.

I find it interesting that you say these things given your *ahem* history around here of being intentionally cruel.

 

[Dhara]

I was the scapegoat, my sister the "perfect child". I just talked to my sis for two hours and she told me how traumatized she was by what my aunt would do to me. She was "scared good". She told me she never felt loved in her childhood and she has had to be alone raising her two boys. She envies the successful marriage I have.

It breaks my heart.

I didn't know that my aunt hit her after I left. She actually hit my aunt back, something I never had the nerve to do. She said I was just sick of being beat up.

 

[pillars]

I find it interesting that you say these things given your *ahem* history around here of being intentionally cruel.

I'm not particularly interested in your interest.

 

[ChrisL]

I was the scapegoat, my sister the "perfect child". I just talked to my sis for two hours and she told me how traumatized she was by what my aunt would do to me. She was "scared good". She told me she never felt loved in her childhood and she has had to be alone raising her two boys. She envies the successful marriage I have.

It breaks my heart.

I didn't know that my aunt hit her after I left. She actually hit my aunt back, something I never had the nerve to do. She said I was just sick of being beat up.

I think I got over all the stuff with my childhood pretty well. I've forgiven my mother and realize that she was "sick." She takes meds now and is suffering with multiple sclerosis. I help her out and go visit with her all the time. We get along pretty well now (as long as I don't spend TOO much time with her - LOL).

 

[pillars]

I was the scapegoat, my sister the "perfect child". I just talked to my sis for two hours and she told me how traumatized she was by what my aunt would do to me. She was "scared good". She told me she never felt loved in her childhood and she has had to be alone raising her two boys. She envies the successful marriage I have.

It breaks my heart.

I didn't know that my aunt hit her after I left. She actually hit my aunt back, something I never had the nerve to do. She said I was just sick of being beat up.

I played the role your sister did. I was too scared to be anything but perfect. My brother was the scapegoat who could never do anything right. As adults, we've often talked about how we looked like the perfect family from the outside, but you had to survive it to understand how it fucked us up.

One thing the EMDR did for me was it helped me restore my relationship with my parents. When I was no longer being triggered, it became possible to be around them without constantly being on edge or needing to respond to my mom when she gets in one of her "moods."

 

[ChrisL]

I was the scapegoat, my sister the "perfect child". I just talked to my sis for two hours and she told me how traumatized she was by what my aunt would do to me. She was "scared good". She told me she never felt loved in her childhood and she has had to be alone raising her two boys. She envies the successful marriage I have.

It breaks my heart.

I didn't know that my aunt hit her after I left. She actually hit my aunt back, something I never had the nerve to do. She said I was just sick of being beat up.

Sorry to hear that, Dhara.

I was an only child, thankfully. My mother really probably shouldn't have had any children at all. She was more interested in having a little "doll" than an actual child. We were pretty poor, but I probably had a different outfit for every day of the year. That was one of her symptoms of bipolar, excessive shopping.

 

[Dhara]

My aunt was physically abusive in similar ways to yours, Chris. But the emotional abuse was cruel beyond conception and involved repeating shaming.

The emotional abuse has haunted me far worse than anything else and I felt as though it would never end.

 

[Kat]

Ugh. Some parts of the OP (well 2nd post) could be me.

And ChrisL My mom was similar.....but more just a total controller. I was the bad child in comparison to the older sister, and younger brother.
My mom now has Alzheimer's. In some ways that is even worse for me.

 

[ChrisL]

My aunt was physically abusive in similar ways to yours, Chris. But the emotional abuse was cruel beyond conception and involved repeating shaming.

The emotional abuse has haunted me far worse than anything else and I felt as though it would never end.

Yeah, growing up with my mother was pretty rough, but then I just try to think of all the people who had it much worse than me. Some kids never make it into adulthood.

 

[ChrisL]

Ugh. Some parts of the OP (well 2nd post) could be me.

And ChrisL My mom was similar.....but more just a total controller. I was the bad child in comparison to the older sister, and younger brother.
My mom now has Alzheimer's. In some ways that is even worse for me.

Sorry Kat. My mom was controlling too, especially with my father. She treated him terribly. He was smitten with her. She was a beautiful woman back in her day, and he was totally in love with her, even though she was a total ***** to him. I feel more sorry for him, I think. At least I grew up and moved out.

She was so nutty, that whenever I got dirty, she would totally lose her mind. She would wash my shoes and my shoelaces.

 

[Kat]

Ugh. Some parts of the OP (well 2nd post) could be me.

And ChrisL My mom was similar.....but more just a total controller. I was the bad child in comparison to the older sister, and younger brother.
My mom now has Alzheimer's. In some ways that is even worse for me.

Sorry Kat. My mom was controlling too, especially with my father. She treated him terribly. He was smitten with her. She was a beautiful woman back in her day, and he was totally in love with her, even though she was a total ***** to him. I feel more sorry for him, I think. At least I grew up and moved out.

She was so nutty, that whenever I got dirty, she would totally lose her mind. She would wash my shoes and my shoelaces.

Yes, unfortunately it sounds like your mom had major problems. She must have been quite tormented.

What parents (and other adults) do not realize is the damage they leave for the child...long after the child is grown.

 

[ChrisL]

Ugh. Some parts of the OP (well 2nd post) could be me.

And ChrisL My mom was similar.....but more just a total controller. I was the bad child in comparison to the older sister, and younger brother.
My mom now has Alzheimer's. In some ways that is even worse for me.

Sorry Kat. My mom was controlling too, especially with my father. She treated him terribly. He was smitten with her. She was a beautiful woman back in her day, and he was totally in love with her, even though she was a total ***** to him. I feel more sorry for him, I think. At least I grew up and moved out.

She was so nutty, that whenever I got dirty, she would totally lose her mind. She would wash my shoes and my shoelaces.

Yes, unfortunately it sounds like your mom had major problems. She must have been quite tormented.

What parents (and other adults) do not realize is the damage they leave for the child...long after the child is grown.

Well, I think I've done pretty well with that. I lost my son and that was much harder to deal with, TBH. That is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. Everything else is small potatoes in comparison.

 

[Kat]

Ugh. Some parts of the OP (well 2nd post) could be me.

And ChrisL My mom was similar.....but more just a total controller. I was the bad child in comparison to the older sister, and younger brother.
My mom now has Alzheimer's. In some ways that is even worse for me.

Sorry Kat. My mom was controlling too, especially with my father. She treated him terribly. He was smitten with her. She was a beautiful woman back in her day, and he was totally in love with her, even though she was a total ***** to him. I feel more sorry for him, I think. At least I grew up and moved out.

She was so nutty, that whenever I got dirty, she would totally lose her mind. She would wash my shoes and my shoelaces.

Yes, unfortunately it sounds like your mom had major problems. She must have been quite tormented.

What parents (and other adults) do not realize is the damage they leave for the child...long after the child is grown.

Well, I think I've done pretty well with that. I lost my son and that was much harder to deal with, TBH. That is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. Everything else is small potatoes in comparison.

Wait. I don't want to go past what you want to say, but what do you mean you lost your son?

 

[ChrisL]

Ugh. Some parts of the OP (well 2nd post) could be me.

And ChrisL My mom was similar.....but more just a total controller. I was the bad child in comparison to the older sister, and younger brother.
My mom now has Alzheimer's. In some ways that is even worse for me.

Sorry Kat. My mom was controlling too, especially with my father. She treated him terribly. He was smitten with her. She was a beautiful woman back in her day, and he was totally in love with her, even though she was a total ***** to him. I feel more sorry for him, I think. At least I grew up and moved out.

She was so nutty, that whenever I got dirty, she would totally lose her mind. She would wash my shoes and my shoelaces.

Yes, unfortunately it sounds like your mom had major problems. She must have been quite tormented.

What parents (and other adults) do not realize is the damage they leave for the child...long after the child is grown.

Well, I think I've done pretty well with that. I lost my son and that was much harder to deal with, TBH. That is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. Everything else is small potatoes in comparison.

Wait. I don't want to go past what you want to say, but what do you mean you lost your son?

My son passed away several years back.

 

[Kat]

Ugh. Some parts of the OP (well 2nd post) could be me.

And ChrisL My mom was similar.....but more just a total controller. I was the bad child in comparison to the older sister, and younger brother.
My mom now has Alzheimer's. In some ways that is even worse for me.

Sorry Kat. My mom was controlling too, especially with my father. She treated him terribly. He was smitten with her. She was a beautiful woman back in her day, and he was totally in love with her, even though she was a total ***** to him. I feel more sorry for him, I think. At least I grew up and moved out.

She was so nutty, that whenever I got dirty, she would totally lose her mind. She would wash my shoes and my shoelaces.

Yes, unfortunately it sounds like your mom had major problems. She must have been quite tormented.

What parents (and other adults) do not realize is the damage they leave for the child...long after the child is grown.

Well, I think I've done pretty well with that. I lost my son and that was much harder to deal with, TBH. That is the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. Everything else is small potatoes in comparison.

Wait. I don't want to go past what you want to say, but what do you mean you lost your son?

My son passed away several years back.

 

[ChrisL]

I still have my other son, and that is what pushed me on to recover or actually to "accept" what happened. He was the reason why I didn't just curl up into a fetal position and die, I think. I felt like he still needs me and my other son doesn't need me anymore.

 

[Dhara]

My kids are bringing out my best too. They are sooo amazing.

 

[Kat]

I still have my other son, and that is what pushed me on to recover or actually to "accept" what happened. He was the reason why I didn't just curl up into a fetal position and die, I think. I felt like he still needs me and my other son doesn't need me anymore.

I sure understand what you are saying. You are a mighty brave woman.

 

[Dhara]

Losing a child. I can't imagine the suffering of that. One of my cats is missing and I get sad over that, but recovering from losing a child.

Courageous beyond measure.

 

[ChrisL]

I still have my other son, and that is what pushed me on to recover or actually to "accept" what happened. He was the reason why I didn't just curl up into a fetal position and die, I think. I felt like he still needs me and my other son doesn't need me anymore.

I sure understand what you are saying. You are a mighty brave woman.

I don't think it's courage. You really don't have any other choice but to go on. I always say that you never really "get over it" you just learn how to accept it.