Kiss That Frog

[hitmark]

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought "I don't fucking think so."

 

[hitmark]

Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

 

[hitmark]

Two guys are drinking at a bar.

The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh.'"

The first guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH!'"

 

[hitmark]

Male Stages of Life

Age Definition of a successful date
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy
48 I didn't have to meet her kids
66 Got home alive
Age Favorite sport
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Napping
Age Seduction lines
17 My parents are away for the weekend
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend
48 My wife is away for the weekend
66 My second wife is dead
Female stages of life:

Age Favorite Fantasy
17 Tall, dark, and handsome
25 Tall, dark, and handsome with money
35 Tall, dark, and handsome with money and a brain
48 A man with hair
66 A man
Age Ideal date
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast next morning
48 He cooks breakfast next morning for the kids
66 He can chew his breakfast

 

[hitmark]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and clean everything that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, cooking and dishes. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

 

[Dr Grump]

How about just keeping your jokes to one thread instead of starting new ones every time?

 

[xotoxi]

Male Stages of Life

Age Definition of a successful date
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy
48 I didn't have to meet her kids
66 Got home alive
Age Favorite sport
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Napping
Age Seduction lines
17 My parents are away for the weekend
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend
48 My wife is away for the weekend
66 My second wife is dead
Female stages of life:

Age Favorite Fantasy
17 Tall, dark, and handsome
25 Tall, dark, and handsome with money
35 Tall, dark, and handsome with money and a brain
48 A man with hair
66 A man
Age Ideal date
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast next morning
48 He cooks breakfast next morning for the kids
66 He can chew his breakfast

 

[xotoxi]

Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

 

[xotoxi]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and clean everything that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, cooking and dishes. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

 

[editec]

Funny.

Is this where I pretend to be offended that the punchline involved domestic violence?

 

[editec]

Two guys are drinking at a bar.

The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh.'"

The first guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH!'"

I hate it when that happens.

You end up never getting the damned sugar.

 

[hitmark]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

- Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

- She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

- It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?

- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

 

[hitmark]

Louise was away from home on Thanksgiving Day for the first time and she was missing her home and family desperately. Louise decided to cook a turkey herself, just like her Mum used to, so that she could feel closer to her family.

Louise returned home for the celebrations and recounted her experience to her Mum saying, 'Mum. it was so difficult to eat the turkey.'

'Why was that, dear' asked Mum in a concerned way, 'was it not cooked properly?'

'How would I know?' responded Louise, 'it wouldn't sit still.'

 

[hitmark]

MALE STAGES IN LIFE

AGE DRINK

17 - beer
25 - vodka
35 - scotch
48 - double scotch
66 - Maalox

AGE SEDUCTION LINE

17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

AGE FAVORITE SPORT

17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

AGE FAVORITE HOUSE PET

17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

 

[hitmark]

Try saying these 10 times fast...

Caution Golfers Crossing

Sun Shine City

Toy Boat

Unique New York

Mixed Biscuits

Red Leather, Yellow Leather

Ship Shape Shitheads

 

[hitmark]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[hitmark]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 

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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[hitmark]

wo women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

 

[hitmark]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."