I agree with this statement, to place conditions is to damned into eternal resentment and angst.
That's true, but in most cases, not all. When you're harmed forgivness is needed to find inner peace. But when the same person keeps harming you over and over, and not only doesn't feel sorrow, but is at times even overjoyed, then forgivness can also be translated into weakness.
The idea of Slichot is that each person achnoledges(sp?) his or her wrong doing, and tells God, "Even if I do not remember all my wrong doings, I take responsibility for them", it's a starting point that makes it much easier to forgive.
that would NOT be the case that the sin is made in malice
I do understand what you are saying and there are those types of individuals in my life through extended family - which I try to avoid so they have no further chance to cause me harm. I'm polite but I keep my distance... then there are some situations that cannot be avoided also, Lipush.
Let me tell you this story. ( true story ) Many years ago I was at a family gathering in another city and the person who had been responsible for the harm done to me as a child, they got drunk and needed a ride home. My husband and I drove them to their home and on the way they said they had to tell me something. (I won't say how I was related to them as it isn't important and I have no desire to identify who it was publicly ) This person broke down in many tears and told me how sorry they were for what they had done to me. In that moment I felt frozen like a deer caught in the headlights. I wasn't prepared for it at all.
The only way I can describe the feeling - would be to recount the story of Corrie Ten Boom when she was ministering in a church in Germany about her time in the concentration camps. Corrie's family rescued Jews and hid them to protect them from the nazis. She was a christian. Anyhow, Corrie says a nazi who had been the one who murdered her sister and tortured her also - came up to her at the end of the service and extended his hand and said can you forgive me?
Corrie said she was frozen and said a prayer in her heart and asked G-d for the grace to forgive this man. She said somehow her hand extended to his and she looked into his eyes and said I forgive you. She never saw the man again. So I did what Corrie did and I am glad I did. I'm also grateful that I had read her book, The Hiding Place, many years prior to that encounter as she proved what was possible with G-ds help.
In my own case I did see this family member again, they didn't ask me to forgive them but they did cry that night and said what they had done to me was awful. I did tell them that I loved them and that G-d loved them and that they needed to forgive themself over it. I still have times that memories come back and I feel very sad but truthfully if I say I feel as if it never happened like Mike said in step 3? I don't think I've reached that yet. But they haven't ever done anything else to me and when I am required to see them ( which is very rare ) I do my best to try to be polite and kind to that individual. I hope that helps someone here to understand that sometimes our tormentors do carry tremendous guilt over the things they have done in the past to us. They just might not ever tell you about it. On the other hand, maybe they will some day. That is the day you need to be ready for!
p.s. forgiveness comes in layers. It takes time like Connery said.. and sometimes when it feels just impossible - you ask G-d to do it through you. With G-d all things are possible.
p.s.s. before I turned my life over to G-d I was a drug addict. I think I was a drug addict because I was trying to kill myself. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison while hoping the other person dies. Literally.
- Jeri
