It's frightening just how few resources there are for men in Canada who have been abused by their significant other.

[progressive hunter]

It's not a joking matter. God forbid you ever fall in love with someone or get caught in a situation with an abusive, manipulative woman. Worse, if you are exceedingly loyal as I am.

your loyalty is misplaced,,
I have been in two such relationships and have learned the hard way how blind love can cause more harm that good,,

 

[shockedcanadian]

your loyalty is misplaced,,
I have been in two such relationships and have learned the hard way how blind love can cause more harm that good,,

I'm starting to slowly come to that conclusion. It makes me very sad, 16 years with my wife but I won't live forever and I deserve to be able to love someone who is warm and trustworthy. It's just such a big step for me.

 

[progressive hunter]

I'm starting to slowly come to that conclusion. It makes me very sad, 16 years with my wife but I won't live forever and I deserve to be able to love someone who is warm and trustworthy. It's just such a big step for me.

yes it is,, lucky no kids are involved,,

of course its gonna hurt for a while and will stay with you forever but it falls on you to move on with your life cause theres always another person around the corner,,

 

[shockedcanadian]

yes it is,, lucky no kids are involved,,

of course its gonna hurt for a while and will stay with you forever but it falls on you to move on with your life cause theres always another person around the corner,,

Meh, it doesn't feel that way. I am no Spring Chicken though I have taken relatively good care of myself. I can't imagine remarrying, I've failed God and myself once already it seems.

 

[Dragonlady]

Both the U.K and America have multiple groups and resources. They are still lacking of course, but there are multiple options. In Canada we have very few. The few I reached out to don't even respond.

This is not the system men died for.

It does not good to stay in an abusive relationship, and don't give me that bullshit about "loving" someone and being "loyal". Abuse is not "love" and abusers don't deserve your loyalty. YOU deserve your loyalty. By staying, you are both condoning and enabling your own abuse.

My first husband was abusive. I had never encountered abuse before and didn't know how to recognize the patterns, but ultimately realized that he was never going to change and I deserved better. I also stayed much longer than I should have because I loved him and I was loyal.

Get out. NOW. We all deserve better.

 

[Dragonlady]

I'm starting to slowly come to that conclusion. It makes me very sad, 16 years with my wife but I won't live forever and I deserve to be able to love someone who is warm and trustworthy. It's just such a big step for me.

Now take your own advice.

 

[Dragonlady]

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First mistake -- loving someone who must change in order to be your perfect mate.

They rarely, if ever, do.


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If anything, they get worse. You're married. You can't just walk away. Or so they think.

 

[shockedcanadian]

It does not good to stay in an abusive relationship, and don't give me that bullshit about "loving" someone and being "loyal". Abuse is not "love" and abusers don't deserve your loyalty. YOU deserve your loyalty. By staying, you are both condoning and enabling your own abuse.

My first husband was abusive. I had never encountered abuse before and didn't know how to recognize the patterns, but ultimately realized that he was never going to change and I deserved better. I also stayed much longer than I should have because I loved him and I was loyal.

Get out. NOW. We all deserve better.

My level of loyalty has always been off the charts. I am loyal to a fault. Even as a teen, I have risked my neck for others when friends parents had a domestic issue or they needed my support I have believed that you "live and die" with a person, and I could have. I've been burned often as the loyalty has rarely been repaid, but it's in my DNA, I can't alter it too much, though I am trying.

I still care about my wife, though I am starting to realize the immense, perpetual suffering I have experienced. The verbal abuse and physical attacks were missing when she was separated from the home. It sounds absurd, but the abuse was normal to me, the first week was hell without her, I felt so empty.

I'm still confused, too many variables. I just wish the Lord would give me the answers because I am suffering, trying to slowly accept my life at the moment. All I have, I am living in.

It's worse when surrounded by serpants who don't really care about my plight. We live during a time when gentleness and honest concern/empathy has disappeared. What a sad narrative.

 

[Dragonlady]

Meh, it doesn't feel that way. I am no Spring Chicken though I have taken relatively good care of myself. I can't imagine remarrying, I've failed God and myself once already it seems.

You made a bad decision. My sister was in a very abusive relationship and got herself out. Then she met a nice widower, and married him and he's just the best husband any woman could hope to have. They've been married for more than 20 years now, and she was no kid when they married. They both have adult children. In recent years, she's had a lot of health challenges, and I truly believe that his love and tender care are the reason she's still alive today.

I gave it another go, and that didn't work out either. We're still married, but not together. I'm done. I don't believe that the 3rd time will be the charm, plus I like living alone.

 

[shockedcanadian]

You made a bad decision. My sister was in a very abusive relationship and got herself out. Then she met a nice widower, and married him and he's just the best husband any woman could hope to have. They've been married for more than 20 years now, and she was no kid when they married. They both have adult children. In recent years, she's had a lot of health challenges, and I truly believe that his love and tender care are the reason she's still alive today.

I gave it another go, and that didn't work out either. We're still married, but not together. I'm done. I don't believe that the 3rd time will be the charm, plus I like living alone.

I don't like living alone. I am a social person who enjoys discussion and philosophy. I want to earn a good existence like everyone but also enjoy watching bees and looking at the stars. I just want "to be" and it's hell when my equilibrium is off.

It's far worse when you are a male and don't trust the system. That might be the worst indictment in a country that has seemed to have lost its soul.

 

[Dragonlady]

My level of loyalty has always been off the charts. I am loyal to a fault. Even as a teen, I have risked my neck for others when his parents had a domestic issue. I have believed that you "live and die" with a person. I've been burned often as the loyalty has rarely been repaid, but it's in my DNA.

I still care about my wife, though I am starting to realize the suffering I have experienced. The verbal abuse and physical attacks were missing when she was separated. It sounds absurd, but the abuse was normal to me, the first week was hell without her, I felt so empty.

I'm still confused, too many variables. I just wish the Lord would give me the answers because I am suffering. All I have, I am living in.

When I was learning to play poker, my (then) husband asked me what was the hardest thing for me to learn. I replied "To throw away a losing hand". He laughed and said "Yeah. I can see how that would be hard for you.". Even our daughter said to me "Why did you stay with Dad for SO long?". We were together for 30 years.

When we separated, I felt utterly and completely alone, but I took this an opportunity to create my home and my life on my own terms. To make my own happiness. Since then I moved to a new town, created my own home, restarted my business, made new friends and volunteer connections in the community. Both my health and my finances have improved.

I won't pretend it has been easy, but it has been well worth it. I do like living alone, which helps, but if you don't there's always the "roommate option". Sharing accommodations with someone you are not romantically involved with.

I'm a "glass half full" kind of person - always. I don't trust the system either, but I know how it works, and where the levers are.

 

[shockedcanadian]

When I was learning to play poker, my (then) husband asked me what was the hardest thing for me to learn. I replied "To throw away a losing hand". He laughed and said "Yeah. I can see how that would be hard for you.". Even our daughter said to me "Why did you stay with Dad for SO long?". We were together for 30 years.

When we separated, I felt utterly and completely alone, but I took this an opportunity to create my home and my life on my own terms. To make my own happiness. Since then I moved to a new town, created my own home, restarted my business, made new friends and volunteer connections in the community. Both my health and my finances have improved.

I won't pretend it has been easy, but it has been well worth it. I do like living alone, which helps, but if you don't there's always the "roommate option". Sharing accommodations with someone you are not romantically involved with.

I'm a "glass half full" kind of person - always. I don't trust the system either, but I know how it works, and where the levers are.

Let me ask you then. We own the home together, have for over a dozen years. What risks do I face if I leave the matrimonial home we purchased together?

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

though I am starting to realize the immense, perpetual suffering I have experienced.

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Think about what the payoff is. What do you get out of suffering? You must be getting something out of it or you would not keep choosing to suffer.

My niece kept choosing the wrong man over and over, and I think I have finally gotten her convinced that what she is doing is choosing her abusive sperm donor, over and over, in an attempt to do what?......................... Get her history to change? Undo all of the abuse? I don't know.

It's uncanny how like her sperm donor all of the men in her life have been, and she has never been aware of that resemblance. Her sperm donor was my brother and the resemblance is always very obvious to me.

It takes a hard, honest look.

I wish you the best.


.

 

[shockedcanadian]

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Think about what the payoff is. What do you get out of suffering? You must be getting something out of it or you would not keep choosing to suffer.

My niece kept choosing the wrong man over and over, and I think I have finally gotten her convinced that what she is doing is choosing her abusive sperm donor, over and over, in an attempt to do what?......................... Get her history to change? Undo all of the abuse? I don't know.

It's uncanny how like her sperm donor all of the men in her life have been, and she has never been aware of that resemblance. Her sperm donor was my brother and the resemblance is always very obvious to me.

It takes a hard, honest look.

I wish you the best.


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I took vows. I get a sense of loyalty at a stage in my life where uncertainty isn't good. We have shared home together. We have 16 rocky years, but they are invested. I don't know if I care or I am suffering from Stockholm Syndrome etc.

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

I took vows. I get a sense of loyalty at a stage in my life where uncertainty isn't good. We have shared home together. We have 16 rocky years, but they are invested. I don't know if I care or I am suffering from Stockholm Syndrome etc.

.

That's a wise reflection.

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[luiza]

It's complicated. Very complicated as I've repeated. There are some good people on here and even though it's only virtual I hope I have impressed on users here what type of person I am. Life isn't fair but I have been a good, principled adult fighting some who are not. It's far worse with an abusive wife. No one deserves this.

Huge red flags .

Where did those crack pot ideas come from?

In a way you were abused by letting others feed you with nonsense or them not pushing you on sensible core beliefs to live by .

Big chance now to get things restructured .

Buy a hammer and pulverise your head while you repeat , I must not be stupid .

Bill to follow ..

 

[shockedcanadian]

Huge red flags .

Where did those crack pot ideas come from?

In a way you were abused by letting others feed you with nonsense or them not pushing you on sensible core beliefs to live by .

Big chance now to get things restructured .

Buy a hammer and pulverise your head while you repeat , I must not be stupid .

Bill to follow ..

Maybe you are a disloyal person or a quitter. I'm trying to figure it out, life is complicated and I'm trying to get into heaven.

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

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shockedcanadian, let's look at a hypothetical.

Let's say you started an organization to support abused men.

What would that support look like?

What would you advise yourself as the client of this organization, if you walked in the door?

What does that client need to hear from you, the organization that's there to help him?

What would you want that client to take away from an encounter with your organization?


.

 

[shockedcanadian]

.

shockedcanadian, let's look at a hypothetical.

Let's say you started an organization to support abused men.

What would that support look like?

What would you advise yourself as the client of this organization, if you walked in the door?

What does that client need to hear from you, the organization that's there to help him?

What would you want that client to take away from an encounter with your organization?


.

It depends on the situation. It has been so pervasive for so long and I tried to remain a doting husband. It just didn't ever offset her rage and use of me as a punching bag, especially after her dad passed. I'm still confused TBH.

 

[OhPleaseJustQuit]

It depends on the situation. It has been so pervasive for so long and I tried to remain a doting husband. It just didn't ever offset her rage and use of me as a punching bag, especially after her dad passed. I'm still confused TBH.

.

So, if I was the person you encountered as you walked into such an organization, what would you want from me, as a client?


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