Is modern marriage obsolete?

[actsnoblemartin]

On marriage: Let’s call the whole thing off - TODAY: Relationships

With nearly half of all marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, why do we still insist on tying the knot? As she ends her 20-year marriage, The Atlantic contributor Sandra Tsing Loh posits that the idea of lifelong wedded bliss has become obsolete

Sadly, and to my horror, I am divorcing. This was a 20-year partnership. My husband is a good man, though he did travel 20 weeks a year for work. I am a 47-year-old woman whose commitment to monogamy, at the very end, came unglued. This turn of events was a surprise. I don’t generally even enjoy men; I had an entirely manageable life and planned to go to my grave taking with me, as I do most nights to my bed, a glass of merlot and a good book. Cataclysmically changed, I disclosed everything. We cried, we bewailed the fate of our children.

And yet at the end of the day — literally during a five o’clock counseling appointment, as the golden late-afternoon sunlight spilled over the wall of Balinese masks — when given the final choice by our longtime family therapist, who stands in as our shaman, mother, or priest, I realized … no. Heart-shattering as this moment was — a gravestone sunk down on two decades of history — I would not be able to replace the romantic memory of my fellow transgressor with the more suitable image of my husband, which is what it would take in modern-therapy terms to knit our family’s domestic construct back together. In women’s-magazine parlance, I did not have the strength to “work on” falling in love again in my marriage. And as Laura Kipnis railed in “Against Love,” and as everyone knows, good relationships take work.

 

[JBeukema]

I find the poll options to be heavily loaded.

Is modern marriage 'obsolete'? Define obsolescence as it related to interpersonal relationships, the conditions of those relationships, social recognition of such interpersonal relations and legal benefits and protections associated with such relationships.

 

[AVG-JOE]

I can tell you that the paperwork for it is necessary. Fewer and fewer states are recognizing common law marriage. Without the official license and certificate that follows, you risk not collecting your due Social Security spouse benefits. The good news is that 10 years of marriage, with the proper paperwork, can result in benefits even if the marriage ended in divorce.

-Joe

 

[DamnYankee]

You should probably add
___ It's on life support

 

[editec]

On marriage: Let’s call the whole thing off - TODAY: Relationships

With nearly half of all marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, why do we still insist on tying the knot?

Unrequited optimism, perhaps?

As she ends her 20-year marriage, The Atlantic contributor Sandra Tsing Loh posits that the idea of lifelong wedded bliss has become obsolete

The idea remains fresh (and as unlikely) as it ever was, I think.

Sadly, and to my horror, I am divorcing.

I know that feeling

This was a 20-year partnership. My husband is a good man, though he did travel 20 weeks a year for work.

Good men and good women divorce, too.

I am a 47-year-old woman whose commitment to monogamy, at the very end, came unglued.

That's usually when it happens.

This turn of events was a surprise.

It usually is..to the infidel and to the cockhold, too.

I don’t generally even enjoy men;

A common enough sotto voce reality, I suspect.

I had an entirely manageable life and planned to go to my grave taking with me, as I do most nights to my bed, a glass of merlot and a good book.

It's especially frustrating when even you disover that your diminished expectations aren't diminished enough, isn't it?

Cataclysmically changed, I disclosed everything. We cried, we bewailed the fate of our children.

Love often dies hard.

And yet at the end of the day — literally during a five o’clock counseling appointment, as the golden late-afternoon sunlight spilled over the wall of Balinese masks — when given the final choice by our longtime family therapist, who stands in as our shaman, mother, or priest, I realized … no.

Yup...that's how it usually happens...the end of passion is followed by a dispassionate revelation that passion ended a long long time ago.

Why are we surprised by the revelation?

Heart-shattering as this moment was — a gravestone sunk down on two decades of history — I would not be able to replace the romantic memory of my fellow transgressor with the more suitable image of my husband,

Given enough time, your romantic transgressor would have been reduced to a glass of Merlot and good book, too.

Neither your husband nor your romantic conspirator were ever really charge of who you are.

which is what it would take in modern-therapy terms to knit our family’s domestic construct back together.

Modern family therapy is an exercise in futility if its goal is to keep marriages together. If its goal is to wake people up to who they really, it has a remote chance of being useful.

In women’s-magazine parlance, I did not have the strength to “work on” falling in love again in my marriage.

If there is any source of disinformation that is screwing women up, it has GOT TO BE woman's magazines.

Between their affection for emotional pornography, and their articles designed to confuse women into thinking that the problem can be solved by changing wardrobes (beause all men are, they insist, hopeless sex slaves and dogs that are easily manipulated by sex) there is no worse source of information for women in the world (except maybe most religions)

And as Laura Kipnis railed in “Against Love,” and as everyone knows, good relationships take work.

Good relationships don't take any work at all. I've had scores of those.

Bad relationships are the ones that take work to keep going. Ironically, they ALL started out as easily maintained good relationships

Women seem to think that men aren't in touch with their feelings and that may be true, I really can't know since I'm a heterosexual male.

But I think most women are far too often in touch with feelings that aren't really real.

They're not in love, they're in love with the idea of being in love.

They're been fed such a load of blather about enduringly forever love that they're confused that they aren't happily ever after.

The things that seem to confuse all of us is the difference (if there really are differences) between love and lust and affection.

Incidently, I don't think I have any answers because I am highly dubious there ARE any answers.

There is only what we have now, at the moment.

So cherish what you have while you have it. Its a gift you have TODAY.

Tomorrow is promised to nobody, folks.

 

[DamnYankee]

Women seem to think that men aren't in touch with their feelings and that may be true, I really don't know.

But I think most women are far too often in touch with feelings that aren't really real.

They're no in love, they're in love with the idea of being in love.

OMG..... You actually think that women have cornered the market on thinking that sex is love?

 

[Ravi]

If there is any source of disinformation that is screwing women up, it has GOT TO BE woman's magazines.

Between their affection for emotional pornography, and their articles designed to confuse women into thinking that the problem can be solved by changing wardrobes (beause all men are, after all hopeless sex slaves) there is no worse source of information for women in the world (except maybe most religions)

The articles are also designed to confuse women into thinking they have no value if they aren't perfect. I HATE women's magazines and have told my daughter over they are nothing but lies designed to make people feel like shit so they'll spend money. No doubt men's magazines are the same.

 

[editec]

Women seem to think that men aren't in touch with their feelings and that may be true, I really don't know.

But I think most women are far too often in touch with feelings that aren't really real.

They're no in love, they're in love with the idea of being in love.

OMG..... You actually think that women have cornered the market on thinking that sex is love?

OMG! No.

 

[Douger]

As long as there are divorce attorneys, it will always be the $$$ame.

 

[Skull Pilot]

Personally, I think marriage is a way of deepening a relationship.

My wife and I met after we were both divorced. I said I would never get married again and she was cool with that. We were together for 7 years, living together for 5 years when I asked her to marry me.

Needless to say she was shocked and it was the best thing I ever did.

We have a much deeper connection now than we did before we were married. We might have had that anyway but I really love being married to her and it really has made our lives richer and more fulfilling.

BTW it was a civil service we don't do religion and the whole God thing is not necessary for a marriage to be considered sacred.

 

[DamnYankee]

Women seem to think that men aren't in touch with their feelings and that may be true, I really don't know.

But I think most women are far too often in touch with feelings that aren't really real.

They're no in love, they're in love with the idea of being in love.

OMG..... You actually think that women have cornered the market on thinking that sex is love?

OMG! No.

Good, cuz that was the message that came across!

 

[editec]

If there is any source of disinformation that is screwing women up, it has GOT TO BE woman's magazines.

Between their affection for emotional pornography, and their articles designed to confuse women into thinking that the problem can be solved by changing wardrobes (beause all men are, after all hopeless sex slaves) there is no worse source of information for women in the world (except maybe most religions)

The articles are also designed to confuse women into thinking they have no value if they aren't perfect. I HATE women's magazines and have told my daughter over they are nothing but lies designed to make people feel like shit so they'll spend money. No doubt men's magazines are the same.

Most men's magazines that have anything remotely to do with sex (it's been a while, but I doubt they've changed much) are designed to make men spend money having fun.

I don't think most men typically feel like shit about themselves...not at least when it comes to sex or relationships.

Seriously, men just naturally tend to assume that they're never understand women.

That is, I suspect, the one tenuous grasp of reality that men share the world over.

 

[Lycurgus]

I don't feel that traditional marriage is obsolete, I think many want such a deep and bonding relationship, but, in life's cycle they cannot grasp how to find it or better yet how to hold on to it.

I feel that marriage is one of two things, either good or bad. Those who claim it is so / so or simply OK are not being honest with themselves.

I feel that the key to a successful marriage stems from a true friendship, your partner should absolutely be your very best friend, with whom you share everything with unconditionally and with whom you support and stand by unconditionally. If this is achieved, then everything else falls into place.

My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years now and honestly, she is my life and I could not be more happy. She is my very best friend and the one person who I share everything with, unconditionally.

There are relationships and then there is marriage, the ultimate bond between two people where they place each other and their togetherness above all else, all of the time, unconditionally.

I don't know how I was so blessed and fortunate to find such a perfect mate, life partner and simply the most wonderful woman in the world, but, she makes me complete in ways which words simply could never be enough to explain.

I honestly wish such friendship, love and passion for everyone.

 

[DamnYankee]

I don't feel that traditional marriage is obsolete, I think many want such a deep and bonding relationship, but, in life's cycle they cannot grasp how to find it or better yet how to hold on to it.

I feel that marriage is one of two things, either good or bad. Those who claim it is so / so or simply OK are not being honest with themselves.

I feel that the key to a successful marriage stems from a true friendship, your partner should absolutely be your very best friend, with whom you share everything with unconditionally and with whom you support and stand by unconditionally. If this is achieved, then everything else falls into place.

My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years now and honestly, she is my life and I could not be more happy. She is my very best friend and the one person who I share everything with, unconditionally.

There are relationships and then there is marriage, the ultimate bond between two people where they place each other and their togetherness above all else, all of the time, unconditionally.

I don't know how I was so blessed and fortunate to find such a perfect mate, life partner and simply the most wonderful woman in the world, but, she makes me complete in ways which words simply could never be enough to explain.

I honestly wish such friendship, love and passion for everyone.

Here's hoping the glue doesn't dry out....

 

[Phoenix]

OMG..... You actually think that women have cornered the market on thinking that sex is love?

OMG! No.

Good, cuz that was the message that came across!

I'm gonna disagree with you ALLBiz.

My perception/interpretation of what editec said is that women enjoy perhaps the thrill, the newness, the romantic little things that one does when "in love" (sometimes in lust) - in short, the emotions of love more than men. Men are probably less inclined to wallow in the emotions and deal instead with the realities of love.

But that's just what I got from it.

 

[Phoenix]

Good relationships don't take any work at all. I've had scores of those.

Bad relationships are the ones that take work to keep going. Ironically, they ALL started out as easily maintained good relationships

Women seem to think that men aren't in touch with their feelings and that may be true, I really can't know since I'm a heterosexual male.

But I think most women are far too often in touch with feelings that aren't really real.

They're not in love, they're in love with the idea of being in love.

They're been fed such a load of blather about enduringly forever love that they're confused that they aren't happily ever after.

The things that seem to confuse all of us is the difference (if there really are differences) between love and lust and affection.

Incidently, I don't think I have any answers because I am highly dubious there ARE any answers.

There is only what we have now, at the moment.

So cherish what you have while you have it. Its a gift you have TODAY.

Tomorrow is promised to nobody, folks.

Well, consider the fact that from infancy girls are spoon-fed stories of happily-ever-after and a handsome prince who will sweep them off their feet and make their lives a fairy tale. All the romance novels are of tall, dark/ blond, buff, handsome, daring, exciting men who will provide intrigue while at the same time satisfying every lustful need and then some - and then they live happily ever after, of course.

Is it any wonder that women often have unrealistic ideas about who or what men are, how they think and function, how their men should treat them?

The reality is that there isn't a knight on a white horse to sweep his lady love away to his castle or a hot Navy SEAL who is going to rescue the unlikely heroine from a sinking ship. Reality doesn't work that way. It is full of imperfections and people rarely live happily ever after.

 

[American Horse]

The Family unit is probably the most significant "civilizing" force in human history. It's likely that the social construct of the family unit needed the institution of marriage to reinforce observances, traditions, and the benefits that came out of that institution. I don't want to go "racial" here but there is an ethnic group which, although scattered across the globe in diasporas for more than two thousand years, have retained their family structure; that is the tradition to help family members (parents, children, nephews , nieces, and cousins), and that despite the hatred, discrimination, and persecution they've endured because of their success, and their success owing to their familial cohesion.

But regardless, it is the important observance of the family unit without which the family unit itself falls into dysfunction and children are raised without the necessary perspective to raise their own children. Both daughters and sons need fathers, just as they both need mothers. Without the training, even though it may be subconscious, or the examples they learn from, they come to relationships incomplete. I think that is what we already see today, and it is a self fulfilling prophecy by those who have failed in their own marriages, to say that the institution of marriage is obsolete.

 

[DamnYankee]

Good relationships don't take any work at all. I've had scores of those.

Bad relationships are the ones that take work to keep going. Ironically, they ALL started out as easily maintained good relationships

Women seem to think that men aren't in touch with their feelings and that may be true, I really can't know since I'm a heterosexual male.

But I think most women are far too often in touch with feelings that aren't really real.

They're not in love, they're in love with the idea of being in love.

They're been fed such a load of blather about enduringly forever love that they're confused that they aren't happily ever after.

The things that seem to confuse all of us is the difference (if there really are differences) between love and lust and affection.

Incidently, I don't think I have any answers because I am highly dubious there ARE any answers.

There is only what we have now, at the moment.

So cherish what you have while you have it. Its a gift you have TODAY.

Tomorrow is promised to nobody, folks.

Well, consider the fact that from infancy girls are spoon-fed stories of happily-ever-after and a handsome prince who will sweep them off their feet and make their lives a fairy tale. All the romance novels are of tall, dark/ blond, buff, handsome, daring, exciting men who will provide intrigue while at the same time satisfying every lustful need and then some - and then they live happily ever after, of course.

Is it any wonder that women often have unrealistic ideas about who or what men are, how they think and function, how their men should treat them?

The reality is that there isn't a knight on a white horse to sweep his lady love away to his castle or a hot Navy SEAL who is going to rescue the unlikely heroine from a sinking ship. Reality doesn't work that way. It is full of imperfections and people rarely live happily ever after.

I, for one, heard no such fairy tale, nor did I tell it. Perhaps parents ought to teach reality rather than teach "how to get a man/woman".

 

[Phoenix]

I, for one, heard no such fairy tale, nor did I tell it. Perhaps parents ought to teach reality rather than teach "how to get a man/woman".

Did you ever read/watch Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty or any of a million other stories/movies? Every romance novel written has the same formula as well. The woman needs the man to rescue her ... and he is unbelievable hot, good in bed, or - in a fortunate happenstance - both.

I'm not saying that Disney is evil, btw. And I've contemplated over the years the balance between letting children have a childhood full of imagination and wonder and at the same time teaching them to be realistic about live and love.

 

[AVG-JOE]

If there is any source of disinformation that is screwing women up, it has GOT TO BE woman's magazines.

Between their affection for emotional pornography, and their articles designed to confuse women into thinking that the problem can be solved by changing wardrobes (beause all men are, after all hopeless sex slaves) there is no worse source of information for women in the world (except maybe most religions)

The articles are also designed to confuse women into thinking they have no value if they aren't perfect. I HATE women's magazines and have told my daughter over they are nothing but lies designed to make people feel like shit so they'll spend money. No doubt men's magazines are the same.