How would you handle this dilemma regarding a daughter's confiscated cell phone?

[kwc57]

I would like the school to include etiquette in their tech courses. This is being done in some districts, to give students the tools they need in the workplace, and how to effectively use the various communications media. I suggested this to the district last year after reading about how it is being done elsewhere successfully.

Funny.......I can text my son just about any time of the school day and get an almost immediate response. When he goes to work, he won't respond. I'm working Dad! I respect that. We've hammered a work ethic and responsibility into him since he was little. We didn't buy him a car when he turned 16. We got a loan for a car. He had to get a job and pay the loan while still maintaining his grades at school. He got a job at a plant nursery with a buddy from school last spring. My son is still there and being given more responsibility and hours as time goes on. His buddy lasted a few months and got fired for being a slacker. The difference? The other kid has everything handed to him on a silver platter and expects that in a job. My son knows he has to perform or hit the road. The owner of the company told him it was because of his hard work and reliability that he is still there and his buddy isn't.

His buddy will probably wise up one of these days. He'll have to to survive in the adult world. My son at 17 is already equipped for that. My wife and I have made sure of it. I'm his dad first and his buddy second.

Your son and my oldest daughter (20) sound like they have the same work ethic. She's the kid at school who the teachers will look for when they need something done right. She was the one who got the extra filming job (for practicum hours). She is also paying off a $3,800 loan for her car. She kicked in what she could afford and we loaned her the rest. She takes care of her car. Completely agree with being the parent first and foremost . . . the friend stuff can wait.

A neighbor's son is in 9th grade and the mom was telling me about all these 'sex texts' the girls are sending him. She was upset about it but . . . never once did it occur to her to take the phone away from him. I suggested it but the excuse was 'well, he bought the phone and is paying for the bill'. Helllooooo, you're the parent! <shrug>

My twin brother was kind of that way. When his kids would get into some kind of trouble, he would kind of shrug his shoulder and say, "what are you going to do?" Do what? You're their parent, parent them!

I hope my son finds a gal like your daughter.

 

[judyd]

I don't share the same joys about the marvels of the modern day cell phone as do most. For example, what does a high school kid need with a cell phone? One might argue that it's for the young girl's protection, ease of contacting the parents, etc., etc., etc., and a whole host of "good" reasons to have a cell phone BUT along with the potential good can come much concern and in some extreme cases, possibly danger. My wife was injured very badly in an automobile accident when a young person was texting while driving and that person drove head-on into my wife's car, killed himself in the process and has disabled her for the rest of her life. She nearly died because of her injuries. I would want to know explicitly why your daughter felt putting the lock on her cell phone was necessary and why she would not want you to openly know what her activities were regarding the cell phone. My reasoning is that if it has to be "secret" it is most likely involving some activities that you would not approve of. Who pays the cell phone bill? Is it you or is it your daughter? If you pay the bill, in my opinion you have every right to know what goes on with the cell phone in addition to the knowledge you should have as a parent. Your daughter is at a very impressionable age. Wanting to fly, but not yet ready to leave the nest. I think you need to be a bit more controlling for a while and that means demanding that she give you the code. If she refuses, then keep the cell phone until she does.

I am so sorry your family is going through this. I agree, parents need to set boundaries, and that means they should always have access to the phones or other item that they give to their kids. These days all too often we see the tragic results of parents trying to "respect their child's privacy".

Face it--your kids are probably going to hate you until they're about 24--then you'll see that when they have children of their own and are dealing with bad behavior, they're even tougher on your grandchildren than you were on them!

 

[judyd]

Too limiting?

You know what: Have you ever been talking to someone, and they begin fucking texting, like you're not even there?

CHRIST ON A BICYCLE, THAT PISSES ME OFF!!!

I would like the school to include etiquette in their tech courses. This is being done in some districts, to give students the tools they need in the workplace, and how to effectively use the various communications media. I suggested this to the district last year after reading about how it is being done elsewhere successfully.

Funny.......I can text my son just about any time of the school day and get an almost immediate response. When he goes to work, he won't respond. I'm working Dad! I respect that. We've hammered a work ethic and responsibility into him since he was little. We didn't buy him a car when he turned 16. We got a loan for a car. He had to get a job and pay the loan while still maintaining his grades at school. He got a job at a plant nursery with a buddy from school last spring. My son is still there and being given more responsibility and hours as time goes on. His buddy lasted a few months and got fired for being a slacker. The difference? The other kid has everything handed to him on a silver platter and expects that in a job. My son knows he has to perform or hit the road. The owner of the company told him it was because of his hard work and reliability that he is still there and his buddy isn't.

His buddy will probably wise up one of these days. He'll have to to survive in the adult world. My son at 17 is already equipped for that. My wife and I have made sure of it. I'm his dad first and his buddy second.

My son had to work and pay for his first car too. Interesting enough, we lived in a rather affluent neighborhood, and all of his friends were given their cars. His friends wrecked their cars within the first year. He kept his until he sold it about four years later.

When they have to work to get something, they take care of it. I have seen the results of this in my granddaughters. The oldest one has lost countless phonesx and cameras, and totally ruined a laptop computer. She loves to take photos and has had to work to replace the last camera. I suspect the one she worked for will last much longer than the others.

 

[Foxfyre]

That's true of just about anything. Pay a damage deposit and the first and last month's rent when you take an apartment and you'll think before cleaning fish on the living room rug and you'll pay your rent and you'll give proper notice when you need to leave so as not to forfeit that last month's rent.

People who scrape together a down payment and start out with equity in a home will almost always do their best to maintain that property and keep it up.

But folks put into free or heavily subsidized housing with little or consequences applied for bad behavior, and too often they invariably trash the place.

I don't know why we would expect kids to be any different. If they have no investment and there are no consequences, why should we expect them to be any more resonsible than most adults are?

 

[kwc57]

I would like the school to include etiquette in their tech courses. This is being done in some districts, to give students the tools they need in the workplace, and how to effectively use the various communications media. I suggested this to the district last year after reading about how it is being done elsewhere successfully.

Funny.......I can text my son just about any time of the school day and get an almost immediate response. When he goes to work, he won't respond. I'm working Dad! I respect that. We've hammered a work ethic and responsibility into him since he was little. We didn't buy him a car when he turned 16. We got a loan for a car. He had to get a job and pay the loan while still maintaining his grades at school. He got a job at a plant nursery with a buddy from school last spring. My son is still there and being given more responsibility and hours as time goes on. His buddy lasted a few months and got fired for being a slacker. The difference? The other kid has everything handed to him on a silver platter and expects that in a job. My son knows he has to perform or hit the road. The owner of the company told him it was because of his hard work and reliability that he is still there and his buddy isn't.

His buddy will probably wise up one of these days. He'll have to to survive in the adult world. My son at 17 is already equipped for that. My wife and I have made sure of it. I'm his dad first and his buddy second.

My son had to work and pay for his first car too. Interesting enough, we lived in a rather affluent neighborhood, and all of his friends were given their cars. His friends wrecked their cars within the first year. He kept his until he sold it about four years later.

When they have to work to get something, they take care of it. I have seen the results of this in my granddaughters. The oldest one has lost countless phonesx and cameras, and totally ruined a laptop computer. She loves to take photos and has had to work to replace the last camera. I suspect the one she worked for will last much longer than the others.

Yep! We live in a pretty nice neighborhood and we could afford to buy him a car if we wanted to.......but we don't. For the reasons you stated and because we learned the same valuable lesson from our parents and understand the worth in the lesson. Nothing and I mean NOTHING in life is free. I was flipping thru the channels yesterday and came across Bill (ugh) Maher pissing and maoning about "rich" people stealing from poor people. All the wealth in the world is a pie and the rich are taking more than their share and thus starving the pooe people. Bullshit! I didn't see Maher giving up 90% of his salary so the camera man can make more money. Rich people don't get wealth handed to them. They earn it.

 

[SmarterThanHick]

Yes. Research shows that limit setting and teaching kids to be responsible for themselves always produces better results than forcing undesirable outcomes by invasion of privacy. Accountability does not come from spying. That only produces fear and smarter hiding.

 

[kwc57]

Yes. Research shows that limit setting and teaching kids to be responsible for themselves always produces better results than forcing undesirable outcomes by invasion of privacy. Accountability does not come from spying. That only produces fear and smarter hiding.

Come back when you've raised a teenager and have actual practical experience.

 

[AllieBaba]

Research shows that enmeshment and disengagement are the two extremes of dysfunctional families.

Refusing to protect your children by taking reasonable precautions such as monitoring their internet useage and checking their cell phones once in a while counts as disengagement. I know because I just did a paper on the circumplex model of marriage and family therapy. Disengagement is characterized by family members who "do their own thing" and are not interested in what other members of the family are doing.

 

[Ravi]

Yes. Research shows that limit setting and teaching kids to be responsible for themselves always produces better results than forcing undesirable outcomes by invasion of privacy. Accountability does not come from spying. That only produces fear and smarter hiding.

It goes both ways. IMO a fourteen year old is old enough to go to a known friend's house without permission as long as she can get there and back on her own. At the same time there is no reason a phone password should be withheld from a parent that is paying for said phone.

 

[AllieBaba]

I'm trying to think of whether I let the boys take off for parts unknown at 14. I don't think I did. Though it was always a matter of, "where are you going?" and "be back for dinner" as they were headed out the door, and there were no guarantees that where they were going was where they would end up.

 

[Douger]

The reason for the lock may be because it aint her wings that she's spreading ?
It is 2010/

 

[Ravi]

A known friend's house is not parts unknown.

 

[AllieBaba]

It is if they don't tell you they're going there.

 

[Ravi]

Try to read for comprehension once in your life.

 

[AllieBaba]

Try to kiss my ass!

I think I'm going to go back to bed, all the same, though....

 

[kwc57]

A known friend's house is not parts unknown.

Of course it is........if you don't know they are there. As far as you could know, they hopped a train and they are off to go join the circus.

My son is 17.5 and a senior in high school. He has a job and is paying for his own vehicle. He has a curfew of midnight. I don't care where he goes (within reason) as long as he simply informs me. Thems the rules in our house. He learned long ago that it is easier to respect and follow the rules than deal with the consequences if you don't.

 

[Ravi]

A known friend's house is not parts unknown.

Of course it is........if you don't know they are there. As far as you could know, they hopped a train and they are off to go join the circus.

My son is 17.5 and a senior in high school. He has a job and is paying for his own vehicle. He has a curfew of midnight. I don't care where he goes (within reason) as long as he simply informs me. Thems the rules in our house. He learned long ago that it is easier to respect and follow the rules than deal with the consequences if you don't.

Notice I said ask permission not fail to inform.

Reading for comprehension is your friend.

 

[kwc57]

A known friend's house is not parts unknown.

Of course it is........if you don't know they are there. As far as you could know, they hopped a train and they are off to go join the circus.

My son is 17.5 and a senior in high school. He has a job and is paying for his own vehicle. He has a curfew of midnight. I don't care where he goes (within reason) as long as he simply informs me. Thems the rules in our house. He learned long ago that it is easier to respect and follow the rules than deal with the consequences if you don't.

Notice I said ask permission not fail to inform.

Reading for comprehension is your friend.

Actually, you said "without permission". If they went without permission, they failed to inform. You don't know where they are. Coherent sentences are your friend.

 

[Ravi]

Of course it is........if you don't know they are there. As far as you could know, they hopped a train and they are off to go join the circus.

My son is 17.5 and a senior in high school. He has a job and is paying for his own vehicle. He has a curfew of midnight. I don't care where he goes (within reason) as long as he simply informs me. Thems the rules in our house. He learned long ago that it is easier to respect and follow the rules than deal with the consequences if you don't.

Notice I said ask permission not fail to inform.

Reading for comprehension is your friend.

Actually, you said "without permission". If they went without permission, they failed to inform. You don't know where they are. Coherent sentences are your friend.

 

[kwc57]

Notice I said ask permission not fail to inform.

Reading for comprehension is your friend.

Actually, you said "without permission". If they went without permission, they failed to inform. You don't know where they are. Coherent sentences are your friend.

indeed