Go on, laugh. We deserve it.

[tigerbob]

Despite being the birthplace of the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Who and countless others who have left an indelible mark on music history, Britain has also been responsible for steaming piles of shite rising to the top of the charts on an alarmingly regular basis. And I'm not talking about the Spice Girls. I'm talking real crap.

My American wife has quite frequently collapsed in fits of laughter or run screaming from the room when she has seen the talentless, cloying and embarrassing piles of poo that have, over a period of 40 years, reached the coveted Number 1 position and caused countless Brits to want to hurl something heavy at the television.

Who buys them? I have no idea. But at least once a year something inexplicable happens to British good taste: it disappears up it's own bum.

I for one have been embarrassed by this for decades and now propose to share with you all, over the next few days, several of the most cringeworthy moments in British music chart history. Remember - these were all Number 1 hit singles, some of them from back in the day when getting to Number 1 meant selling in excess of a million copies, and actually having to go into a store and ask for it.

This is not an exhaustive list, but I can take only so much self-flagellation. You have been warned.

 

[tigerbob]

To kick things off, let's get things rocking with 'Whispering Grass'.

Recorded by Don Estelle and Windsor Davis on the back of a BBC sitcom called 'It ain't half hot Mum', this bollocks reached Number 1 in the summer of 1975 and stayed there for 3 weeks. Don Estelle's voice actually isn't bad, but that's not the point. This song is crap with a capital CR. What the hell is this doing selling a million copies??? What's it doing selling any copies at all???

[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/10dmK7O-KSY&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/10dmK7O-KSY&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

 

[tigerbob]

Christmas 1993 was a real low spot bringing, as it did, Mr Blobby into the nation's consciousness whether they wanted him there or not. Not only was this Number 1, it was actually displaced by a boyband called Take That for a week at Christmas, and then reclaimed the No 1 spot at new year.

This is truly horrible in every sense of the word.

[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YkSFrY2NdcY&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YkSFrY2NdcY&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

 

[tigerbob]

And just to prove it's not only at Christmas that Brits lose all sense and buy whatever crap is available, the Wurzels were at the top of the charts in June of 1976 with their classic 'Combine Harvester'. It stayed there for 2 weeks, the same as other hits from that year like Abba's 'Mama Mia' and the Four Seasons 'December 63'. Very painful.

[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/tb63PdPweDc&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/tb63PdPweDc&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

 

[Xenophon]

Ha-hah

 

[tigerbob]

The ultimate irony. A crap song parodying the British public's appetite for crap songs reaches Number One for 3 weeks in May 1986.

[youtube]<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/3vUVJsfG3eA&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/3vUVJsfG3eA&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>[/youtube]

 

[Diuretic]

The one that drove me nuts was that bloody "Agadoo" or however it goes, the band that pinched some sort of theme from Club Med or something. I needed brain surgery to get the fucking thing out of my mind and I only heard it once

 

[tigerbob]

The one that drove me nuts was that bloody "Agadoo" or however it goes, the band that pinched some sort of theme from Club Med or something. I needed brain surgery to get the fucking thing out of my mind and I only heard it once

Ah yes, Black Lace. It was Agadoo that The Chicken song was primarily parodying. Unfortunately (or fortunately) it did not reach Number 1, peaking at Number 2 in 1984, so it does not really belong in this list.

However, since it is the very epitome of what the thread is about, it deserves a dishonorable mention...

[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/POv-3yIPSWc&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/POv-3yIPSWc&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

 

[tigerbob]

The one that drove me nuts was that bloody "Agadoo" or however it goes, the band that pinched some sort of theme from Club Med or something. I needed brain surgery to get the fucking thing out of my mind and I only heard it once

Ah yes, Black Lace. It was Agadoo that The Chicken song was primarily parodying. Unfortunately (or fortunately) it did not reach Number 1, peaking at Number 2 in 1984, so it does not really belong in this list.

However, since it is the very epitome of what the thread is about, it deserves a dishonorable mention...

[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/POv-3yIPSWc&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/POv-3yIPSWc&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

 

[tigerbob]

Another rancid Christmas Number 1. 1980. Uugh. St Winifreds. Just....uugh.

[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rsXJcIODLtQ&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rsXJcIODLtQ&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

 

[tigerbob]

February 81. Joe Dolce. Wanker. Nuff said.

God, the 80s were crap.

[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/d-BKcKMS748&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/d-BKcKMS748&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

 

[Diuretic]

Wasn't Joe one of ours?*

Okay, sorry about that.

And sorry about "Neighbours" too while I'm apologising.

*Wikipedia says he was born in Ohio so it looks like we're all culpable!

 

[tigerbob]

Wasn't Joe one of ours?*

Okay, sorry about that.

And sorry about "Neighbours" too while I'm apologising.

*Wikipedia says he was born in Ohio so it looks like we're all culpable!

I'll let you off about 'Neighbours'. I hated it but at least it brought Kylie to our attention. I stepped on her foot while dancing at a bar called Subterranea in London in about 1992. She was tiny, but was really cool about it.

We went back to her place and had meaningless but enjoyable sex. She gave me her number but I never called. I'm like that.



Some of the above may be

 

[Diuretic]

I believe everything except that she was cool about your standing on her foot, everything else, okay, it could have happened

 

[tigerbob]

I believe everything except that she was cool about your standing on her foot, everything else, okay, it could have happened

You're right - she was a complete bitch about that.

 

[editec]

This is one of those rare threads that make me happy my computers sound is broken.

 

[tigerbob]

This is one of those rare threads that make me happy my computers sound is broken.

In some cases the video is worse than the audio. Such as this 2-week June '87 # 1 effort from The Firm - Star Trekkin.

Removing your sound card or breaking your speakers will afford you little or no protection. Crap will remain crap, whatever barriers must be overcome...

[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FCARADb9asE&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FCARADb9asE&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]

 

[Meister]

Wow....never even stopped to think about it.....but there they are on youtube.