Giving support

[Gracie]

In other words...if too much is shared and said, then something bad happens and one loses a friend or two over the wrong choice of words, the more one speaks of it the more anger begins to appear due to wrong perceptions and the more more more on on on and you wind up in a bigger mess than what was a little pile at the beginning.

Did that make sense?

 

[syrenn]

I hope I am just suffering paranoia when I read your post syrenn and that was not aimed at me in general. I try very hard not to be a burden to anyone and I rarely talk about personal things that bother me or have happened to me, but sometimes....I have no where else to turn except to the internet. And I never ever expect anything from anyone that I would not do myself if the situation were reversed.
I, too, have met emotional and energy sucking vampires. I give what I can but I do not get too close. They have my sympathy but I can only do so much. I also refuse to be a door mat nor treat anyone else like one. It is just...sometimes, one is not as strong as they wish they could be..or were...or are...and therefore make mistakes and then pay for those mistakes by talking about things they should have never spoken of to begin with.

I asked this question because I have found over the years that no matter where you might call "home" on the internet, body language will never be able to be read nor understood and people may misconstrue...but there will always be someone who twists things around to be what they are not no matter how much one tries to "explain"...and mostly due to the behind the scenes situations Foxy was speaking of. The more explanation, the more people are dragged into something they really don't want any part of...and the less said, the more they may believe what they originally are aware of but not know the intimate details. So one is damned if they do and damned if they don't.

I was curious to what folks thought about this subject since most of us have experienced it in some form or another..and therefore asked. That is all. Nothing nefarious, no hidden agendas. Just something I was thinking about.

Thanks boedicca. I am doing well so far on the estrogen blocker treatment. I declined chemo. If it does not come back in 5 years, I will know the mastectomy got all of it and no cells are still floating around.

which is why my first question was ....

i have so many thoughts on this gracie i cant even begin.....

A lot of what you are asking is ....who you are getting that support from and what exactly the situation is where "something is expected back in return".

you are not clear as to the "who" we are talking about and in what situation. Nor to you really specify what the "payment is" The answer to your question will differ depending on that.

and again.... your post above is not specific enough to give any kind of real answer...... so answers must be given in general terms.

I just hesitate to say too much, is all. In general, let's say. Just in general. And payment, I mean as in some form of payment for the support given and therefore you owe someone...in general. And they don't let you forget it. In general.

to general... what do you mean exactly by.... payment.

 

[Annie]

Both of you responded wonderfully and I agree with both of you. Giving emotional support should be given freely because it is just the common courtesy of being there for another human being. To hold them hostage and toss it in their face if you do not conform to something, or expect some kind of repayment is not giving freely. It is expectation of something else down the time line road.

The cancer society here in town knows me well now. I just say my first name and they ask what they can do for me..how am I doing, etc. They never ask why I don't call them if a week passes by or a month or a few days. They are just there for when I need them and if I COULD repay their kindness in some way, I would in a heartbeat because they don't expect me to or demand it of me. But I can't repay their support and kindness except by paying it forward..which is what I try to do every day, in whatever manner I can.

So, once again and for the last time, those who know and understand the following....THANK YOU. And I am sorry words were misread or miscontrued and doors were shut because I chose to walk thru it instead of being beholden for support I know was genuinely given FREELY but expectations were thrown by others. I appreciate you who never expected anything in return for holding my hand when I reach out to you. And I will always be available to you. FREELY.

The following says it all:

One thing I do have a hard time understanding though is how days, weeks, months, years of good deeds, friendship, and love can be wiped out by one wrong word or act. I do expect people to cut me a bit of slack when I am expected to do that for them.

Hmmm, are you posting this 'explanation on the correct forum?' Is this where you went at your low point? No, indeed you had words to say about this place.

Grace, you haven't learned about Grace. It's about forgiving and accepting.

 

[Gracie]

Gosh, I don't know if I can explain because we might get in the more more more on on on I spoke of above.

Ok. Let me try to put it another way. I have an online friend who is suffering from kidney failure.I have given her as much support as I possibly can..even when I am/was sick myself. Later on, she disagrees with something I said in a religion thread, gets angry and says I owe her because she gave me support as well when I was ill. There is no price or payment for giving support to anyone at any time. Or at least, I would hope not. But if I do not conform to her demands that I am in the wrong in what I think or believe....then she brings up the support she gave me while ignoring the support I gave her because SHE put an emotional pricetag on that support.

I hope like hell that made sense because it's the best I can do.

 

[Gracie]

Both of you responded wonderfully and I agree with both of you. Giving emotional support should be given freely because it is just the common courtesy of being there for another human being. To hold them hostage and toss it in their face if you do not conform to something, or expect some kind of repayment is not giving freely. It is expectation of something else down the time line road.

The cancer society here in town knows me well now. I just say my first name and they ask what they can do for me..how am I doing, etc. They never ask why I don't call them if a week passes by or a month or a few days. They are just there for when I need them and if I COULD repay their kindness in some way, I would in a heartbeat because they don't expect me to or demand it of me. But I can't repay their support and kindness except by paying it forward..which is what I try to do every day, in whatever manner I can.

So, once again and for the last time, those who know and understand the following....THANK YOU. And I am sorry words were misread or miscontrued and doors were shut because I chose to walk thru it instead of being beholden for support I know was genuinely given FREELY but expectations were thrown by others. I appreciate you who never expected anything in return for holding my hand when I reach out to you. And I will always be available to you. FREELY.

The following says it all:

One thing I do have a hard time understanding though is how days, weeks, months, years of good deeds, friendship, and love can be wiped out by one wrong word or act. I do expect people to cut me a bit of slack when I am expected to do that for them.

Hmmm, are you posting this 'explanation on the correct forum?' Is this where you went at your low point? No, indeed you had words to say about this place.

Grace, you haven't learned about Grace. It's about forgiving and accepting.

Are you seriously going to start in, Annie? I mean, really?
I know all about Grace. Perhaps you should learn some yourself.

And that ^, people is what I am talking about in PAYMENT. I OWE people because I was in a low point and shared my trials. They gave support. And now I must pay. Coming HERE is a no no. I must pay THERE. Not HERE. How dare I come HERE when THERE is where I got the support?
Payment. Expected, stamped, due. Forever.

 

[Gracie]

Got news for ya Annie. I am still at a very low point. But I am getting better. Little each day. And I CHOOSE to do it HERE. Not THERE. Forgive and accept, Annie. I have.

 

[syrenn]

Gosh, I don't know if I can explain because we might get in the more more more on on on I spoke of above.

Ok. Let me try to put it another way. I have an online friend who is suffering from kidney failure.I have given her as much support as I possibly can..even when I am/was sick myself. Later on, she disagrees with something I said in a religion thread, gets angry and says I owe her because she gave me support as well when I was ill. There is no price or payment for giving support to anyone at any time. Or at least, I would hope not. But if I do not conform to her demands that I am in the wrong in what I think or believe....then she brings up the support she gave me while ignoring the support I gave her because SHE put an emotional pricetag on that support.

I hope like hell that made sense because it's the best I can do.

again...what do you mean...by owe?

 

[Gracie]

Read the last few posts, syrenn.

 

[syrenn]

Both of you responded wonderfully and I agree with both of you. Giving emotional support should be given freely because it is just the common courtesy of being there for another human being. To hold them hostage and toss it in their face if you do not conform to something, or expect some kind of repayment is not giving freely. It is expectation of something else down the time line road.

The cancer society here in town knows me well now. I just say my first name and they ask what they can do for me..how am I doing, etc. They never ask why I don't call them if a week passes by or a month or a few days. They are just there for when I need them and if I COULD repay their kindness in some way, I would in a heartbeat because they don't expect me to or demand it of me. But I can't repay their support and kindness except by paying it forward..which is what I try to do every day, in whatever manner I can.

So, once again and for the last time, those who know and understand the following....THANK YOU. And I am sorry words were misread or miscontrued and doors were shut because I chose to walk thru it instead of being beholden for support I know was genuinely given FREELY but expectations were thrown by others. I appreciate you who never expected anything in return for holding my hand when I reach out to you. And I will always be available to you. FREELY.

The following says it all:

Hmmm, are you posting this 'explanation on the correct forum?' Is this where you went at your low point? No, indeed you had words to say about this place.

Grace, you haven't learned about Grace. It's about forgiving and accepting.

Are you seriously going to start in, Annie? I mean, really?
I know all about Grace. Perhaps you should learn some yourself.

And that ^, people is what I am talking about in PAYMENT. I OWE people because I was in a low point and shared my trials. They gave support. And now I must pay. Coming HERE is a no no. I must pay THERE. Not HERE. How dare I come HERE when THERE is where I got the support?
Payment. Expected, stamped, due. Forever.

see.... this is were i am getting confused..

what do you mean by pay?????

 

[Gracie]

Never mind. It just is not worth the possible fallout.

 

[syrenn]

Never mind. It just is not worth the possible fallout.

im trying to give you the answer you seem to need here gracie..... but its hard following you about the answer you want.

 

[Gracie]

No answers are needed, Syrenn.

I have nothing more to say about this. I see where it is heading.

 

[Annie]

Never mind. It just is not worth the possible fallout.

Of course not Grace. as none expected anything in return, other that what had been given freely to you, acceptance. Suddenly you turned, call it what you will. I hope it works out well for you in the long haul.

 

[Gracie]

Word.

 

[syrenn]

No answers are needed, Syrenn. I asked opinions on what people expect when they give or receive support..just like it's an opinion if someone likes green more than blue.

right...and the answer/opinion depends on the situation. It would help knowing what the "owe and payment" means.

 

[syrenn]

Never mind. It just is not worth the possible fallout.

Of course not Grace. as none expected anything in return, other that what had been given freely to you, acceptance. Suddenly you turned, call it what you will. I hope it works out well for you in the long haul.

i am so confused.

*head spins*

 

[Gracie]

Let it go, Syrenn. I have.

 

[JakeStarkey]

ACS is set up TO be there to give out all the emotional support anyone needs.... its their job so to speak. And as such, of course would not "expect" anything in return.

Its gets a bit tricky when that emotional support is not from someone who is paid to give said emotional support...as the ACS is.

Some people are just emotional vampires... so needy they can suck the life out of you. No matter what you do, its not enough. No matter what you do or say, its wrong. But they still want you there for every outburst, every thought, every passing moment. Most of us, once trapped into something like, that feel guilty trying to pry the vampire off. They are a one way street black hole.....of ME ME ME ME.....

I had several people like that attached to me once. It was pretty ugly prying them off. I got off the one way emotional street flowing out supporting them. It really had nothing to do with wanting something back in return.... as it did with, i was not going to be someone they could abuse and expect me to understand and take every angry outburst....of what THEY needed ....

well maybe i did expect something...... i expected them to understand that they could not lash out in their frustrations trying to feel better....and not have the world just pat them on the head and say its was alright for them to behave badly.

and then of course they are hurt and cant understand why you said they were behaving badly.

I am learning much from the reading.

I suppose that I must not judge other by their actions when I only judge myself by my intentions.

My son is Scrooge Reborn with his money, EXCEPT when he is on the street: every one asking gets something. I asked him "why all", and he said, "God knows them all and He will sort it out."

something to think about..... giving money to strangers carries no emotional ties, but the feel good return for themselves.

That's subjective, which is the point.