Estrangement of Adult Children

[Unkotare]

I live with my daughter, my son lives 5 minutes from me, and my other daughter lives 2 1/2 hours away and I see her every couple of weeks and we talk daily or text. Don't have this problem.

Everyone on my side of the family lives within 5 minutes.

 

[Care4all]

Tell your friend that I said, "Give love where you get love".

Jesus says, give double the love when you don't get it....

then it will be like burning coals on the head of the person not giving love....rattle their conscious....

 

[EvilCat Breath]

We live in a victim culture. Everyone is a victim of some kind.

 

[BothWings]

My 16 yr old son was seeing a therapist recently, and one of the only online reviews for the clinic stated exactly what the OP says. A parent of a young adult wrote it, and stated that after seeing on of the therapists there, the person gradually became very estatnged to their entire family without explanation. I knew I was not reading an isolated incident. Someone is trying to create a cult which is loyal to a new order, and the "message" is trickling down through our social service systems, both public and private. The are trying to sever the link between the cult members and their roots.

 

[SweetSue92]

"A friend of mine" [as the saying goes] is experiencing a phenomenon that seems to be more and more common. S/he has been "cut off" from their son and grandchildren for reasons that appear either vague, nonsensical, or petty.

These are not children. They are in their 30's 40's and beyond. They were raised in middle-class households, fully supported throughout their childhood with good schools, active social and recreational lives with parents doing everything possible to make those activities possible and beneficial. They were financially supported without limits, showered with gifts and other niceties, which generosity was continued with their own children.

And they are cut off. The adult children are "in counseling," taking prescription mood enhancing drugs to address the traumas(?) that they experienced from childhood. They can't articulate these traumas because it is too painful. To be clear, we are not talking about cases of parental alcoholism, drug abuse, or any other kind of abuse. There was no fighting in the home, no significant punishments administered, and in fact the kids were pretty much free to chart their own course...and did so.

Is there something going on that we Boomers are not aware of?

My friend is about to disinherit the fukkers, and can't think of any reason not to.

First, the Millennials are the worst. The absolute worst.

Second, as a Christian, cutting off your parents is forbidden. I AM in favor of severely limiting contact if you parents were abusive, but this is not the case for most. Most have spoiled, petulant adult children whose mom looked at them wrong and so they're going "no contact".

I am 100% in favor of cutting these children off, absolutely. "no contact" can also mean no contact with my money

 

[SweetSue92]

My 16 yr old son was seeing a therapist recently, and one of the only online reviews for the clinic stated exactly what the OP says. A parent of a young adult wrote it, and stated that after seeing on of the therapists there, the person gradually became very estatnged to their entire family without explanation. I knew I was not reading an isolated incident. Someone is trying to create a cult which is loyal to a new order, and the "message" is trickling down through our social service systems, both public and private. The are trying to sever the link between the cult members and their roots.

I believe in the vast number of cases therapists are more harmful than not. Important to note that many of them went into it because they are crazy themselves.

 

[DGS49]

Dennis Prater pointed out that the Commandments say "honor" your parents, not "love." There is a lot of wisdom in that distinction. As we go through life, we get a whole new perspective on how we were raised.

I was raised with constant fretting about not having enough money to.....anything. And yet my parents always had "enough" to smoke five packs a day and keep beer in the fridge. Which retroactively pisses me off.

 

[GLASNOST]

I was raised with constant fretting about not having enough money to.....anything. And yet my parents always had "enough" to smoke five packs a day and keep beer in the fridge

I hear ya'.

Which retroactively pisses me off.

Me too.

 

[BothWings]

Dennis Prater pointed out that the Commandments say "honor" your parents, not "love." There is a lot of wisdom in that distinction. As we go through life, we get a whole new perspective on how we were raised.

I was raised with constant fretting about not having enough money to.....anything. And yet my parents always had "enough" to smoke five packs a day and keep beer in the fridge. Which retroactively pisses me off.

Doesn't sound very honorable.

 

[DGS49]

Yes. It is a "Thing."

Cutting Off Your Parents Is Identity Politics, Not 'Boundaries'

The practice of severing family often takes on an authoritarian tenor that presumes the adult child cutting contact is always right.

thefederalist.com

 

[DGS49]

Doesn't sound very honorable.

I honored them while they were alive. Rather effusively. My widowed father lived in my home for the last ten years of his life.

 

[Woodznutz]

"A friend of mine" [as the saying goes] is experiencing a phenomenon that seems to be more and more common. S/he has been "cut off" from their son and grandchildren for reasons that appear either vague, nonsensical, or petty.

These are not children. They are in their 30's 40's and beyond. They were raised in middle-class households, fully supported throughout their childhood with good schools, active social and recreational lives with parents doing everything possible to make those activities possible and beneficial. They were financially supported without limits, showered with gifts and other niceties, which generosity was continued with their own children.

And they are cut off. The adult children are "in counseling," taking prescription mood enhancing drugs to address the traumas(?) that they experienced from childhood. They can't articulate these traumas because it is too painful. To be clear, we are not talking about cases of parental alcoholism, drug abuse, or any other kind of abuse. There was no fighting in the home, no significant punishments administered, and in fact the kids were pretty much free to chart their own course...and did so.

Is there something going on that we Boomers are not aware of?

My friend is about to disinherit the fukkers, and can't think of any reason not to.

"Sins of the father". My father was the black sheep of the whole extended family. This was passed on to us kids. Through no fault of our own we were made a pariah by nearly everyone in our extended family. It is only recently that I've come to understand how my upbringing has affected my life and relationships. I could keep a psychiatrist amused for weeks.

 

[initforme]

"Sins of the father". My father was the black sheep of the whole extended family. This was passed on to us kids. Through no fault of our own we were made a pariah by nearly everyone in our extended family. It is only recently that I've come to understand how my upbringing has affected my life and relationships. I could keep a psychiatrist amused for weeks.

People think because i lived thru the 50s well that was great times in america. Somewhat akin to your story i saw rampant alcoholism in many a housewife(at the time friends moms) who stayed home and took care of the house. My best friends dad worked long hard hours and beat his 2 sons from time to time. My own father had the misguided theory of spare the rod spoil the child. He overdid it. That era was not nearly all cracked up whats its said to be. Not even close.

 

[GLASNOST]

..... My own father had the misguided theory of spare the rod spoil the child. ....

Yes, the fifties and early sixties. My grandfather thought beating me was the right way to teach me a lesson and to punish me even though I was nearly always innocent.

 

[initforme]

Yes, the fifties and early sixties. My grandfather thought beating me was the right way to teach me a lesson and to punish me even though I was nearly always innocent.

Yep. And idiots think it was a great time.

 

[Unkotare]

People think because i lived thru the 50s well that was great times in america. Somewhat akin to your story i saw rampant alcoholism in many a housewife(at the time friends moms) who stayed home and took care of the house. My best friends dad worked long hard hours and beat his 2 sons from time to time. My own father had the misguided theory of spare the rod spoil the child. He overdid it. That era was not nearly all cracked up whats its said to be. Not even close.

And here you still are. Quit bitchin'.

 

[buckeye]

They were financially supported without limits, showered with gifts and other niceties, which generosity was continued with their own children.

I would never do this and my suspicion is that kids who were spoiled this way will act like spoiled kids.

Kids need to grow up to be adults and parents have a responsibility to raise them with that in mind.

 

[DGS49]

I never saw providing all of his needs (and then some) as "spoiling" him. I saw it from the standpoint of a person who never got what he wanted growing up, and I didn't want him to have those particular struggles.

Now, as an adult, it was pretty much the same. It took years for my wife and I to get to the point where we could buy a house and I didn't want him to go through that B.S.

I supported him through a couple of failed business startups because I didn't want him to be destitute when I have the resources to prevent it.

Obviously, I'm having second thoughts. I guess we all think we have parenting figured out, but in many cases, by the time your parenting plays out, it's too late to make corrections.

 

[Unkotare]

...

Kids need to grow up to be adults and parents have a responsibility to raise them with that in mind.

And just think about how many so-called "men" on this site have boasted about never having grown up.

 

[GLASNOST]

Yes, the fifties and early sixties. My grandfather thought beating me was the right way to teach me a lesson and to punish me even though I was nearly always innocent.

Yep. And idiots think it was a great time.

Leave that to Beaver, Ozzie Nelson, and Chester A. Riley.