A Harrowing Account of a Bigfoot Encounter

[Lord Long Rod]

This report came in last weekend from a gentleman named “Oscar”. Oscar was on a date with a lady named “Ellen”. As the evening grew late the couple decided to drive to a state park, park their car, and then engage in intimate behavior while sitting in the car.



Oscar said they arrived at the park at around 10:30 pm. They drove into the park on a dirt road. The area is heavily wooded. When they came to a wide spot in the road they pulled over, turned off the headlights, and then started talking.



I am going to assume that you good readers are mature adults and just cut to the chase. After some small talk Ellen began performing oral sex on Oscar as they sat together in the front seat. Shortly after this began something hit the hood of Oscar’s car. It startled the couple. There was nobody around they knew about. Finally, they just assumed it was a limb or a nut falling out of the trees around them. So they returned to what they were doing.



After a few moments more something hit the roof of the car. This time whatever hit the car was much heavier and made quite a noise upon impact. Oscar quickly composed himself, jumped out of the car and shouted “Who’s there?!?” He yelled some other threatening messages, assuming it was somebody out there messing with him and Ellen. He said he had a loaded gun. In reality, he did not.



Oscar was just about to get back into the car and go somewhere else when he heard a limb break. It was a loud “snap”, and it was very close. Oscar jerked his head toward the noise and nervously asked again who was there. Nothing. It was quiet. Then came a low yet menacing growl that enveloped the entirety of the forest around them. It started low then grew in intensity. At this point Ellen was begging him to get back into the car and leave. Oscar obliged, jumping back into the driver’s seat and hastily putting his car into reverse and hitting the gas.



Oscar was intending to back the car around so it would point back in the direction from which they entered, then getting the heck out of there. But while they were rapidly reversing the car hit something solid and stopped with a loud “BAM!” Oscar was perplexed, as he knew there should not be a tree behind him. Then something crashed down on the trunk of his car, hard, causing them both to scream in fear.



Looking in his rear view mirror, and with only the light from his taillights, he saw a big hairy mass of something behind the car. Oscar stared in horror while Ellen had gone into hysterics. Before Oscar could even think to put the car into drive and get away, he saw ... the ARMS.



They were huge and covered in mangy hair. They reached down under the car. The thing was so big Oscar could not see the face. Then the back end of the car lifted up, and off the ground. Oscar says that the thing must have lifted the back end of the car at least two feet off the ground. Then came a loud roar from the thing. It was throaty and gutteral, and very loud. Oscar said it felt like his insides were rattling from the noise it was so loud. It was an angry growl that assaulted the sanity of both Oscar and Ellen. By this point both of them were in hysterics and screaming.



But as fast as this horrific moment came, it was gone. The very moment the growl ended, the car was dropped with a hard bang that jolted them both. Then all was quiet. Oscar looked in the rear view mirror. Nothing was there. Ellen turned in her seat to look out the back window, then quickly directed Oscar to “Go, go, go, go, go!!”



Oscar hit the gas and completed the rearward turn he initially intended to make. He then put the car into drive and hit the gas. He spun the tires as the car started moving forward. Oscar sped down the little dirt road as fast as he dared. Once they got to the paved road Ellen was crying and asking what was that thing. Oscar was quiet, still in shock. They made it home without further incident.



Both Oscar and Ellen have been traumatized by this incident, burdened with nightmares and continuing anxiety. They told nobody about what happened to them lest they be thought of as crazy or lying. After a week of this, Ellen decided to reach out to someone. She felt like she needed answers if she was ever going to come to grips with this. That’s when she contacted BADASS: Bigfoot And Dogman Assassination And Strategic Strikeforce. She had heard about this band of Sasquatch operators from a source who will remain unnamed.



The call came in approximately one week after the event. I was having a Dewers on the rocks at a titty bar in Atlanta when my phone rang. Of course, I did not hear it because of the loud music on the sound system. But, I felt it because I had it set to vibrate. I pulled it out and set the vibrating iPhone high on the thigh of the cute, young blond stripper sitting on my lap. “You like that, honey?”, I asked her. Then I moved it higher and higher, and squeezed her tight just as I started kissing her neck.



After the fascist, and very large bouncers, threw me out into the parking lot, I picked myself up and found my truck. By this point, after the scuffle and all the bad noise and threats, I had forgotten to even look to see who had the fucking balls to be calling me on a Saturday night.



I was too inebriated to drive, so I threw in a CCR CD, rolled down my window, and took off like a bat out of hell. You see, if you try to drive carefully when drunk, the cops can pick up on that. So what I do after I have been drinking is to drive fast and all over the road. That way the cops know I am not trying to fool anybody and assume I am just a sober asshole. It works most of the time.



I could not find my way home that night. I apparently blacked out at some point then came to in my truck. I was parked in front of a seedy little gas station in the hood, it was 8:00 am, and I was surrounded by Mexicans looking for work. I had no idea how I got there. By now I was sober enough to find my way home. Once there I crashed in bed and slept the rest of the day away.



The following day I woke up at the crack of noon. After a little of the old “hair of the dog”, I decided to check my Bigfoot hotline. There it was. I had missed a phone call. But, there was a voice mail. It turned out to be a message from Ellen saying she and her boyfriend had a terrifying encounter with a large, hairy creature. She was all shook up about it. I arranged to meet her and Oscar the next morning for breakfast to discuss the matter.



Ellen was already at the diner when I arrived. She was a right attractive young lass. She had a pretty, sincere face, blond hair cut into a bob, and a nice shape. It turns out that she is a 33 yr old MILF who was recently divorced. She also wears a false left leg. She explained that she is a vet who was medically retired after her leg got blown off in Afghanistan by a roadside IED.



Oscar came lagging in about 20 minutes late. He was apparently the first guy she had been out with since her divorce. He was a real douchebag: one of those millennial hipster types with groomed facial hair and skinny leg jeans.



We ordered before we began talking about the Sasquatch encounter. Ellen had eggs (scrambled), toast, and hot tea. I had only a black coffee. Oscar ordered plant-based sausage on top of a toasted bagel, and a latte. “Jesus Christ”, I thought to myself.



Ellen began telling me the story. She was very engaged and genuinely curious about what happened. But she was also still quite disturbed by the event. Oscar sulked and was clearly agitated. He was really bringing down my investigation, so I looked at him and said “Look, dude, if you don’t want to be here then pick up your ass and fuck off.”



Oscar then got a chip on his shoulder. He shot up to his feet and started getting all up in my space and pretending to be a tough guy. I said to Ellen, “excuse me a minute, sweatheart”, then stood up to face Oscar. I looked him in the eye and asked “What the fuck is wrong with you, boy? I am here to help, but you are acting like a total snot-faced ****.”



Oscar then went on about the creature most likely being a bear, and it was no big deal. He said he did not believe in Bigfoot. Then he maligned my profession. Ellen tried to calm him, but he was inconsolable. Clearly, the encounter had him messed up in the head. He was faced with something that is not supposed to exist. Now his world had been fundamentally altered. He did not know how to deal with it. He did not possess the coping skills needed for this particular situation. So I decided to take pity on the boy and do him a favor.



Before Oscar even realized what had happened, I violently punched the sumbitch hard right in his throat. The sad sack dropped like a sack of potatoes, lying on the floor, grasping his throat and struggling for breath. I told Ellen “let’s go...I want you to show me where this encounter occurred.” I dropped a $50.00 bill on the table, took Ellen by her hand, and we left Oscar writhing around on the floor.



We took my truck. I consoled her on the drive. I said, “Look, sweetheart, I know things are tough for you right now. You are coming out of a divorce and now you are starting over as a single mom with one income. But that guy Oscar is not for you.” She started crying as she said “I know, I know. He was so bad to me.” After some more talking I learned that Ellen grew up with a sister and a brother, all being raised solely by Ellen’s mother. Her father left when Ellen was very young. Her mom had a parade of men in her life, partly to party and partly for the financial support she could extract from them. In fact, Ellen had a hard childhood and it obviously impacted her emotionally with trust and daddy issues. “Jackpot!!”, I thought to myself.



We arrived at the encounter site. The tire tracks were still there. I also found a Sasquatch print in some soft dirt. It was 18’’ long, a real big beast. Searching the area further I discover 2 tree structures and a pile of bones that appeared to be from hogs (feral, of course). It appears that old Oscar parked his car right in the middle of a Bigfoot’s living room. What an asshole.



I took some photographs and made some notes. Then we headed out of there. I told Ellen that I was 99% sure they stumbled into a Bigfoot’s territory and that it acted aggressively because it wanted them out of there. I pointed out that the creature could have easily killed both of them but chose not too. It just wanted them out of there. This seemed to provide her with some degree of comfort.



I asked Ellen if she would like to come back out there with me that night. At first, she was dead set against it. But I blew a lot of hot smoke up her ass about her being a tough-as-nails retired soldier and about how the Sasquatch did not want to hurt anyone, it just wanted to be left alone. I also told her that I do this sort of thing all the time, plus the BADASS Team would be with us. Then I hit her with this being a good way for her to face her fear, acquire some closure and be able to move forward with her life rather than living with the trauma of that night. She smiled, then agreed to come along.



When we parted Ellen gave me a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. The plan was for me to assemble my crew and meet back up with Ellen at the dirt road pull-off on the main highway where you enter the state park at 8:00 pm tonight.



My crew was all on site at 7:30 pm that night and preparing for the operation. I had my 5 best boys with me. There was Tango, a recently paroled black dude who joined up with BADASS after the New Black Panthers kicked him out for being too crazy for them. Tango was my second in command, and would be on point for tonight’s op.



Then there was Napalm Ned, a Vietnam vet. He was going to be our communications coordinator. The next three were snipers. There was Bobby Big Dick, Stab Wound, and Tommy Two Sacks. Here was the plan. I wanted to recreate the situation Ellen and Oscar found themselves in the night of the attack. Not wanting to get my truck fucked up by a Sasquatch, I borrowed my neighbor’s Mustang. Ellen and I would enter the woods in the Mustang at exactly 11:00 pm., proceed to the make out spot, and wait. Coordinates were given to the 3 snipers. They would be inserted early and triangulate around my position high in the trees. Ned would communicate between everyone. Tango would be the field General tonight while I was being the bait, along with Ellen.



Ellen arrived at 8:00 pm sharp. Good girl! I explained the plan to her. However, I quickly learned that we had a problem. Ellen does not like the idea of killing the Bigfoot. In fact, she hated the killing of all animals. She was a fucking pantheist! Pretty stupid, I know.



I managed to calm her down by telling her that all our guns were loaded with sedative darts that will not hurt the creature. We just want to chill it out, get some photos and DNA, give it a health checkup, and tag it with a GPS tracking device. It was a tricky sales job because the bitch is a hardcore animal rights person, and because Tango and Ned kept giggling the more I said. But finally I had her convinced that we were really a scientific group trying to help the Sasquatch.



Pursuant to the plan, Ellen and I got into the mustang and began driving into the woods along the same dirt path used by her and Oscar. Ellen asked what kind of gun was I carrying in my shoulder rig. I told her it was my Ruger .480 revolver...loaded with 300 grain Vicodin tipped bullets. She grinned, touched my shoulder, and said “You’re so great, Bud. You are a really good guy.” She did not have a fucking clue about anything.



When we reached our spot I parked and checked in with old Napalm Ned on my headset. We left the car running, just like Oscar had done. We also lowered our windows so we could hear what was going on around us. But frankly, my neighbor’s souped up, straight-piped hot rod Stang made listening impossible, so I killed the engine. Wanting some noise to let the Sasquatch know we were there, I turned on the radio.



We sat there for a long time. Nothing happened. Our tree snipers saw and heard nothing. Tango was stationed in a ground blind on the perimeter. He heard and saw nothing. “Shit!”, I thought. Then I looked over at Ellen and asked her exactly what she and Oscar were doing at the time of the encounter. She hesitated and gave me a bullshit, nothing of an answer. I asked her again. Then I noticed her face in the lights emanating from the stereo. It looked like she was blushing. Then it dawned on me. I asked her “You two were fucking?”



Ellen was embarrassed and said “Oh, no! No, no, no. We were just making out and fooling around a little.” I said “Look, this is serious business here. We are not playing around with fucking Fozzy Bear. This Sasquatch will rip our heads off. Now, tell me exactly what you two were doing.” Ellen had a pained look on her face. I asked “Did you have Oscar’s dick in your mouth?” Her facial expression and sudden eye aversion told me that she did. Then I said, “OK, so you were blowing Oscar. So when the first rock or whatever hit Oscar’s car, you were going down on him?” Ellen sheepishly nodded her head.



I nodded once to myself and said “Alright, we know what we have to do”, then leaned back in my seat and pulled out my cock. I said “Ok, get to work, bitch.” At first Ellen said she was leaving and went for the door. I admonished her to “sit your fucking ass down, woman. If you go out there that damn Bigfoot is going to rip off your pretty little head and shit Sasquatch pellets down your neck hole.” Knowing that I was right, Ellen got back into her seat and shut the door.



I said, “Look, you did it for Oscar and he is a total fag. Just look at my cock here, all thick and veiny. You know you want to wrap your thick blow-job lips around it and swallow it up. Plus, it needs to be done for the mission.” Ellen thought about it as she looked at my hardening dick in my hand. Then to solidify the deal I said “Sweetheart, I know you don’t want to see the Sasquatch People go extinct, but that is exactly what’s going to happen if we cannot get some hard data on them and study the species. I mean, what’s a few minutes of having a dick in your mouth compared to wiping out an entire species?”



That was all it took. Ellen started licking and slurping all over my knob. Then she suddenly stopped, looked up at me, and asked if the rest of the BADASS Team was privy to this. I said “of course not”, then pushed her head back down on my salami. In my earpiece I could hear my spec op buddies laughing their asses off.



After about 5 minutes of very motivated cocksucking and licking, a rock hit the hood of the car. Ellen popped up and excitedly said “Oh my God! It’s here!!” I pushed her head back down on my shaft and said “Alright, hurry it up, bitch. I got to go to work.”



Just as I released my demon seed down Ellen’s throat, what sounded like a fucking boulder hit the roof of the car. I radioed the boys, “Ok, boys. It’s here. Get ready.” But before they could squeeze off a shot, the passenger door was violently and suddenly ripped off its hinges and tossed into the night. Then a big - and I mean BIG - hairy arm reached into the car, grabbed Ellen, and yanked her out in a flash.



I heard chatter in my earpiece. The boys were having a hard time getting the monster in their crosshairs. We had assumed the snipers could pick it off on the perimeter as it held back and threw rocks at the car. But this animal proved to be unpredictable and aggressively moved right in to us, unseen by the snipers above. Apparently Ellen and Oscar has really pissed it off and it was not going to stand for any more trespassers.



“Fuck it”, I said to myself. I radioed the boys and told them to hold their fire. I was going into the Kill Box to get this Bigfoot, and whatever was left of Ellen. I pulled out both my Desert Eagles chambered in .50 AE, and went after the beast dual wielding my pieces.



It did not take long to find the Sasquatch. It took Ellen off about 100 yards from the car, ripped her clothes off, sat her on a large rock, and now stood in front of her with a HUGE erection. Knowing that I needed to act quickly and decisively, I fired with my right hand. “BAM!!!!!” The report of the .50 AE in the dead of night was defeating. But the bullet hit it’s mark, right at the base of the monster’s engorged wiener. It fact, my bullet splayed it’s hard cock wide open. It looked like a hot dog that had been microwaved for too long!!



Clearly, my shot hurt the Bigfoot, but it also made it mad - REAL MAD! I took off running right at the beast while dual wielding and blasting it with my Deagles. It absorbed every hit. When I ran dry the squatch was down on one knee and clutching its chest where my bullets hit it. At this point I was standing about 5 feet away from the monster, between it and a very terrified Ellen.



Standing so close to the Bigfoot I noticed a couple of very alarming things. First, the beast’s dick was bigger than mine. Not by much, mind you. But just enough to be noticeable. Second, even with the beast hunched over and on one knee, Tebow style, it was still a foot taller than me. I am 6’1” tall, which means that this was one magnum sized Bigfoot.



My alarm at the size of the fucker caused me a second of delay. I could tell by the chatter in my earpiece that the boys had climbed down from the trees and were, along with Ned and Tango, hauling ass to my location, locked and loaded. But I could not wait for them, as suddenly the beast pulled itself together, looked up and me, and showed its teeth. Now I was going to have to fight it bare-handed.



In a split second epiphany I recalled Ellen and her false leg. As the Bigfoot slowly rose to its feet before me with a murderous lust in its eyes, I spun around and punched Ellen right in her fucking face. She toppled over unconscious. Then I grabbed her fake leg and ripped it off her (I struck her because I did not have time to negotiate with her for the leg).



I immediately swung the leg and hit the monster upside its head, knocking the shit out of him. Then, with the foot end I slammed the beast repeatedly in its balls. The critter bent double then fell to the ground, letting out a painful cry of agony. Just then the boys arrived, and with a point-blank shot to its head from a .50 BMG the fight was over quicker than it had began.



“Shit, man, that was a close call tonight!”, I said, we all agreed, then fist bumped a few times and talked some shit. Then Tango got out his chain saw and cut up the Bigfoot body so we could pack it out of there. After about half an hour we were ready to move out. Then Big Dick looked at me and asked “Hey, Bud, what you want to do about the bitch?” I said “Oh shit”. I had completely forgotten about her.



I walked over to Ellen and shined my light on her. She was in shock, all curled up in the fetal position, shivering, and unresponsive. I walked back over to the boys and said to Big Dick, “Shit, dude, use one of your throwaway pistols and Epstein her.” The boys high fived. Tango and I started our hike out of there. After like 30 minutes we finally heard a gunshot. Tango said “It sure took ‘em a long time to end it. Do you think they fucked her first?” I looked over at Tango and asked “Fucked who?” We laughed and fist bumped.

 

[Moonglow]

This, is the REAL Bigfoot....

 

[Lord Long Rod]

That’s one tall sumbitch!

 

[L.K.Eder]

This report came in last weekend from a gentleman named “Oscar”. Oscar was on a date with a lady named “Ellen”. As the evening grew late the couple decided to drive to a state park, park their car, and then engage in intimate behavior while sitting in the car.



Oscar said they arrived at the park at around 10:30 pm. They drove into the park on a dirt road. The area is heavily wooded. When they came to a wide spot in the road they pulled over, turned off the headlights, and then started talking.



I am going to assume that you good readers are mature adults and just cut to the chase. After some small talk Ellen began performing oral sex on Oscar as they sat together in the front seat. Shortly after this began something hit the hood of Oscar’s car. It startled the couple. There was nobody around they knew about. Finally, they just assumed it was a limb or a nut falling out of the trees around them. So they returned to what they were doing.



After a few moments more something hit the roof of the car. This time whatever hit the car was much heavier and made quite a noise upon impact. Oscar quickly composed himself, jumped out of the car and shouted “Who’s there?!?” He yelled some other threatening messages, assuming it was somebody out there messing with him and Ellen. He said he had a loaded gun. In reality, he did not.



Oscar was just about to get back into the car and go somewhere else when he heard a limb break. It was a loud “snap”, and it was very close. Oscar jerked his head toward the noise and nervously asked again who was there. Nothing. It was quiet. Then came a low yet menacing growl that enveloped the entirety of the forest around them. It started low then grew in intensity. At this point Ellen was begging him to get back into the car and leave. Oscar obliged, jumping back into the driver’s seat and hastily putting his car into reverse and hitting the gas.



Oscar was intending to back the car around so it would point back in the direction from which they entered, then getting the heck out of there. But while they were rapidly reversing the car hit something solid and stopped with a loud “BAM!” Oscar was perplexed, as he knew there should not be a tree behind him. Then something crashed down on the trunk of his car, hard, causing them both to scream in fear.



Looking in his rear view mirror, and with only the light from his taillights, he saw a big hairy mass of something behind the car. Oscar stared in horror while Ellen had gone into hysterics. Before Oscar could even think to put the car into drive and get away, he saw ... the ARMS.



They were huge and covered in mangy hair. They reached down under the car. The thing was so big Oscar could not see the face. Then the back end of the car lifted up, and off the ground. Oscar says that the thing must have lifted the back end of the car at least two feet off the ground. Then came a loud roar from the thing. It was throaty and gutteral, and very loud. Oscar said it felt like his insides were rattling from the noise it was so loud. It was an angry growl that assaulted the sanity of both Oscar and Ellen. By this point both of them were in hysterics and screaming.



But as fast as this horrific moment came, it was gone. The very moment the growl ended, the car was dropped with a hard bang that jolted them both. Then all was quiet. Oscar looked in the rear view mirror. Nothing was there. Ellen turned in her seat to look out the back window, then quickly directed Oscar to “Go, go, go, go, go!!”



Oscar hit the gas and completed the rearward turn he initially intended to make. He then put the car into drive and hit the gas. He spun the tires as the car started moving forward. Oscar sped down the little dirt road as fast as he dared. Once they got to the paved road Ellen was crying and asking what was that thing. Oscar was quiet, still in shock. They made it home without further incident.



Both Oscar and Ellen have been traumatized by this incident, burdened with nightmares and continuing anxiety. They told nobody about what happened to them lest they be thought of as crazy or lying. After a week of this, Ellen decided to reach out to someone. She felt like she needed answers if she was ever going to come to grips with this. That’s when she contacted BADASS: Bigfoot And Dogman Assassination And Strategic Strikeforce. She had heard about this band of Sasquatch operators from a source who will remain unnamed.



The call came in approximately one week after the event. I was having a Dewers on the rocks at a titty bar in Atlanta when my phone rang. Of course, I did not hear it because of the loud music on the sound system. But, I felt it because I had it set to vibrate. I pulled it out and set the vibrating iPhone high on the thigh of the cute, young blond stripper sitting on my lap. “You like that, honey?”, I asked her. Then I moved it higher and higher, and squeezed her tight just as I started kissing her neck.



After the fascist, and very large bouncers, threw me out into the parking lot, I picked myself up and found my truck. By this point, after the scuffle and all the bad noise and threats, I had forgotten to even look to see who had the fucking balls to be calling me on a Saturday night.



I was too inebriated to drive, so I threw in a CCR CD, rolled down my window, and took off like a bat out of hell. You see, if you try to drive carefully when drunk, the cops can pick up on that. So what I do after I have been drinking is to drive fast and all over the road. That way the cops know I am not trying to fool anybody and assume I am just a sober asshole. It works most of the time.



I could not find my way home that night. I apparently blacked out at some point then came to in my truck. I was parked in front of a seedy little gas station in the hood, it was 8:00 am, and I was surrounded by Mexicans looking for work. I had no idea how I got there. By now I was sober enough to find my way home. Once there I crashed in bed and slept the rest of the day away.



The following day I woke up at the crack of noon. After a little of the old “hair of the dog”, I decided to check my Bigfoot hotline. There it was. I had missed a phone call. But, there was a voice mail. It turned out to be a message from Ellen saying she and her boyfriend had a terrifying encounter with a large, hairy creature. She was all shook up about it. I arranged to meet her and Oscar the next morning for breakfast to discuss the matter.



Ellen was already at the diner when I arrived. She was a right attractive young lass. She had a pretty, sincere face, blond hair cut into a bob, and a nice shape. It turns out that she is a 33 yr old MILF who was recently divorced. She also wears a false left leg. She explained that she is a vet who was medically retired after her leg got blown off in Afghanistan by a roadside IED.



Oscar came lagging in about 20 minutes late. He was apparently the first guy she had been out with since her divorce. He was a real douchebag: one of those millennial hipster types with groomed facial hair and skinny leg jeans.



We ordered before we began talking about the Sasquatch encounter. Ellen had eggs (scrambled), toast, and hot tea. I had only a black coffee. Oscar ordered plant-based sausage on top of a toasted bagel, and a latte. “Jesus Christ”, I thought to myself.



Ellen began telling me the story. She was very engaged and genuinely curious about what happened. But she was also still quite disturbed by the event. Oscar sulked and was clearly agitated. He was really bringing down my investigation, so I looked at him and said “Look, dude, if you don’t want to be here then pick up your ass and fuck off.”



Oscar then got a chip on his shoulder. He shot up to his feet and started getting all up in my space and pretending to be a tough guy. I said to Ellen, “excuse me a minute, sweatheart”, then stood up to face Oscar. I looked him in the eye and asked “What the fuck is wrong with you, boy? I am here to help, but you are acting like a total snot-faced ****.”



Oscar then went on about the creature most likely being a bear, and it was no big deal. He said he did not believe in Bigfoot. Then he maligned my profession. Ellen tried to calm him, but he was inconsolable. Clearly, the encounter had him messed up in the head. He was faced with something that is not supposed to exist. Now his world had been fundamentally altered. He did not know how to deal with it. He did not possess the coping skills needed for this particular situation. So I decided to take pity on the boy and do him a favor.



Before Oscar even realized what had happened, I violently punched the sumbitch hard right in his throat. The sad sack dropped like a sack of potatoes, lying on the floor, grasping his throat and struggling for breath. I told Ellen “let’s go...I want you to show me where this encounter occurred.” I dropped a $50.00 bill on the table, took Ellen by her hand, and we left Oscar writhing around on the floor.



We took my truck. I consoled her on the drive. I said, “Look, sweetheart, I know things are tough for you right now. You are coming out of a divorce and now you are starting over as a single mom with one income. But that guy Oscar is not for you.” She started crying as she said “I know, I know. He was so bad to me.” After some more talking I learned that Ellen grew up with a sister and a brother, all being raised solely by Ellen’s mother. Her father left when Ellen was very young. Her mom had a parade of men in her life, partly to party and partly for the financial support she could extract from them. In fact, Ellen had a hard childhood and it obviously impacted her emotionally with trust and daddy issues. “Jackpot!!”, I thought to myself.



We arrived at the encounter site. The tire tracks were still there. I also found a Sasquatch print in some soft dirt. It was 18’’ long, a real big beast. Searching the area further I discover 2 tree structures and a pile of bones that appeared to be from hogs (feral, of course). It appears that old Oscar parked his car right in the middle of a Bigfoot’s living room. What an asshole.



I took some photographs and made some notes. Then we headed out of there. I told Ellen that I was 99% sure they stumbled into a Bigfoot’s territory and that it acted aggressively because it wanted them out of there. I pointed out that the creature could have easily killed both of them but chose not too. It just wanted them out of there. This seemed to provide her with some degree of comfort.



I asked Ellen if she would like to come back out there with me that night. At first, she was dead set against it. But I blew a lot of hot smoke up her ass about her being a tough-as-nails retired soldier and about how the Sasquatch did not want to hurt anyone, it just wanted to be left alone. I also told her that I do this sort of thing all the time, plus the BADASS Team would be with us. Then I hit her with this being a good way for her to face her fear, acquire some closure and be able to move forward with her life rather than living with the trauma of that night. She smiled, then agreed to come along.



When we parted Ellen gave me a hug and a quick peck on the cheek. The plan was for me to assemble my crew and meet back up with Ellen at the dirt road pull-off on the main highway where you enter the state park at 8:00 pm tonight.



My crew was all on site at 7:30 pm that night and preparing for the operation. I had my 5 best boys with me. There was Tango, a recently paroled black dude who joined up with BADASS after the New Black Panthers kicked him out for being too crazy for them. Tango was my second in command, and would be on point for tonight’s op.



Then there was Napalm Ned, a Vietnam vet. He was going to be our communications coordinator. The next three were snipers. There was Bobby Big Dick, Stab Wound, and Tommy Two Sacks. Here was the plan. I wanted to recreate the situation Ellen and Oscar found themselves in the night of the attack. Not wanting to get my truck fucked up by a Sasquatch, I borrowed my neighbor’s Mustang. Ellen and I would enter the woods in the Mustang at exactly 11:00 pm., proceed to the make out spot, and wait. Coordinates were given to the 3 snipers. They would be inserted early and triangulate around my position high in the trees. Ned would communicate between everyone. Tango would be the field General tonight while I was being the bait, along with Ellen.



Ellen arrived at 8:00 pm sharp. Good girl! I explained the plan to her. However, I quickly learned that we had a problem. Ellen does not like the idea of killing the Bigfoot. In fact, she hated the killing of all animals. She was a fucking pantheist! Pretty stupid, I know.



I managed to calm her down by telling her that all our guns were loaded with sedative darts that will not hurt the creature. We just want to chill it out, get some photos and DNA, give it a health checkup, and tag it with a GPS tracking device. It was a tricky sales job because the bitch is a hardcore animal rights person, and because Tango and Ned kept giggling the more I said. But finally I had her convinced that we were really a scientific group trying to help the Sasquatch.



Pursuant to the plan, Ellen and I got into the mustang and began driving into the woods along the same dirt path used by her and Oscar. Ellen asked what kind of gun was I carrying in my shoulder rig. I told her it was my Ruger .480 revolver...loaded with 300 grain Vicodin tipped bullets. She grinned, touched my shoulder, and said “You’re so great, Bud. You are a really good guy.” She did not have a fucking clue about anything.



When we reached our spot I parked and checked in with old Napalm Ned on my headset. We left the car running, just like Oscar had done. We also lowered our windows so we could hear what was going on around us. But frankly, my neighbor’s souped up, straight-piped hot rod Stang made listening impossible, so I killed the engine. Wanting some noise to let the Sasquatch know we were there, I turned on the radio.



We sat there for a long time. Nothing happened. Our tree snipers saw and heard nothing. Tango was stationed in a ground blind on the perimeter. He heard and saw nothing. “Shit!”, I thought. Then I looked over at Ellen and asked her exactly what she and Oscar were doing at the time of the encounter. She hesitated and gave me a bullshit, nothing of an answer. I asked her again. Then I noticed her face in the lights emanating from the stereo. It looked like she was blushing. Then it dawned on me. I asked her “You two were fucking?”



Ellen was embarrassed and said “Oh, no! No, no, no. We were just making out and fooling around a little.” I said “Look, this is serious business here. We are not playing around with fucking Fozzy Bear. This Sasquatch will rip our heads off. Now, tell me exactly what you two were doing.” Ellen had a pained look on her face. I asked “Did you have Oscar’s dick in your mouth?” Her facial expression and sudden eye aversion told me that she did. Then I said, “OK, so you were blowing Oscar. So when the first rock or whatever hit Oscar’s car, you were going down on him?” Ellen sheepishly nodded her head.



I nodded once to myself and said “Alright, we know what we have to do”, then leaned back in my seat and pulled out my cock. I said “Ok, get to work, bitch.” At first Ellen said she was leaving and went for the door. I admonished her to “sit your fucking ass down, woman. If you go out there that damn Bigfoot is going to rip off your pretty little head and shit Sasquatch pellets down your neck hole.” Knowing that I was right, Ellen got back into her seat and shut the door.



I said, “Look, you did it for Oscar and he is a total fag. Just look at my cock here, all thick and veiny. You know you want to wrap your thick blow-job lips around it and swallow it up. Plus, it needs to be done for the mission.” Ellen thought about it as she looked at my hardening dick in my hand. Then to solidify the deal I said “Sweetheart, I know you don’t want to see the Sasquatch People go extinct, but that is exactly what’s going to happen if we cannot get some hard data on them and study the species. I mean, what’s a few minutes of having a dick in your mouth compared to wiping out an entire species?”



That was all it took. Ellen started licking and slurping all over my knob. Then she suddenly stopped, looked up at me, and asked if the rest of the BADASS Team was privy to this. I said “of course not”, then pushed her head back down on my salami. In my earpiece I could hear my spec op buddies laughing their asses off.



After about 5 minutes of very motivated cocksucking and licking, a rock hit the hood of the car. Ellen popped up and excitedly said “Oh my God! It’s here!!” I pushed her head back down on my shaft and said “Alright, hurry it up, bitch. I got to go to work.”



Just as I released my demon seed down Ellen’s throat, what sounded like a fucking boulder hit the roof of the car. I radioed the boys, “Ok, boys. It’s here. Get ready.” But before they could squeeze off a shot, the passenger door was violently and suddenly ripped off its hinges and tossed into the night. Then a big - and I mean BIG - hairy arm reached into the car, grabbed Ellen, and yanked her out in a flash.



I heard chatter in my earpiece. The boys were having a hard time getting the monster in their crosshairs. We had assumed the snipers could pick it off on the perimeter as it held back and threw rocks at the car. But this animal proved to be unpredictable and aggressively moved right in to us, unseen by the snipers above. Apparently Ellen and Oscar has really pissed it off and it was not going to stand for any more trespassers.



“Fuck it”, I said to myself. I radioed the boys and told them to hold their fire. I was going into the Kill Box to get this Bigfoot, and whatever was left of Ellen. I pulled out both my Desert Eagles chambered in .50 AE, and went after the beast dual wielding my pieces.



It did not take long to find the Sasquatch. It took Ellen off about 100 yards from the car, ripped her clothes off, sat her on a large rock, and now stood in front of her with a HUGE erection. Knowing that I needed to act quickly and decisively, I fired with my right hand. “BAM!!!!!” The report of the .50 AE in the dead of night was defeating. But the bullet hit it’s mark, right at the base of the monster’s engorged wiener. It fact, my bullet splayed it’s hard cock wide open. It looked like a hot dog that had been microwaved for too long!!



Clearly, my shot hurt the Bigfoot, but it also made it mad - REAL MAD! I took off running right at the beast while dual wielding and blasting it with my Deagles. It absorbed every hit. When I ran dry the squatch was down on one knee and clutching its chest where my bullets hit it. At this point I was standing about 5 feet away from the monster, between it and a very terrified Ellen.



Standing so close to the Bigfoot I noticed a couple of very alarming things. First, the beast’s dick was bigger than mine. Not by much, mind you. But just enough to be noticeable. Second, even with the beast hunched over and on one knee, Tebow style, it was still a foot taller than me. I am 6’1” tall, which means that this was one magnum sized Bigfoot.



My alarm at the size of the fucker caused me a second of delay. I could tell by the chatter in my earpiece that the boys had climbed down from the trees and were, along with Ned and Tango, hauling ass to my location, locked and loaded. But I could not wait for them, as suddenly the beast pulled itself together, looked up and me, and showed its teeth. Now I was going to have to fight it bare-handed.



In a split second epiphany I recalled Ellen and her false leg. As the Bigfoot slowly rose to its feet before me with a murderous lust in its eyes, I spun around and punched Ellen right in her fucking face. She toppled over unconscious. Then I grabbed her fake leg and ripped it off her (I struck her because I did not have time to negotiate with her for the leg).



I immediately swung the leg and hit the monster upside its head, knocking the shit out of him. Then, with the foot end I slammed the beast repeatedly in its balls. The critter bent double then fell to the ground, letting out a painful cry of agony. Just then the boys arrived, and with a point-blank shot to its head from a .50 BMG the fight was over quicker than it had began.



“Shit, man, that was a close call tonight!”, I said, we all agreed, then fist bumped a few times and talked some shit. Then Tango got out his chain saw and cut up the Bigfoot body so we could pack it out of there. After about half an hour we were ready to move out. Then Big Dick looked at me and asked “Hey, Bud, what you want to do about the bitch?” I said “Oh shit”. I had completely forgotten about her.



I walked over to Ellen and shined my light on her. She was in shock, all curled up in the fetal position, shivering, and unresponsive. I walked back over to the boys and said to Big Dick, “Shit, dude, use one of your throwaway pistols and Epstein her.” The boys high fived. Tango and I started our hike out of there. After like 30 minutes we finally heard a gunshot. Tango said “It sure took ‘em a long time to end it. Do you think they fucked her first?” I looked over at Tango and asked “Fucked who?” We laughed and fist bumped.

 

[Lord Long Rod]

View attachment 769842

I feel the same way about the Bible.