Comrade
Senior Member
Has Santa in the North Pole been overrun by Nazi sponsored Finnish troops?
That was once a serious question, mind you. Many people were positively outraged at the whole idea.
Chances are you wont be shocked and awed by todays network TV interpretation of Christmas and how it should apply to American Families during the networks seasonal broadcasts this year.
So, take with me a historical romp through Americas worst Christmas flummoxes of broadcasting.
And for each of these Turkeys, weve been enriched by the experience. Are we not?
Thems it, hope y'all enjoyed the read as much as I did.
I havent posted in some time (moving from Seattle to Portland, taking up helicopter flight lessons, watching in awe as Sir Evil breaks 1K in reputation, etc etc etc..), and Im might sorry about that. In the spirit of the holidays, and some good humor, my meager contribution endeavors to brighten your day during this glorious 2004 holiday season.
Everyone have a happy holiday!
That was once a serious question, mind you. Many people were positively outraged at the whole idea.
Chances are you wont be shocked and awed by todays network TV interpretation of Christmas and how it should apply to American Families during the networks seasonal broadcasts this year.
So, take with me a historical romp through Americas worst Christmas flummoxes of broadcasting.
And for each of these Turkeys, weve been enriched by the experience. Are we not?
An Algonquin Round Table Christmas (1927)
The first time in history a recording device nailed a celebrity.
Alexander Woolcott, Franklin Pierce Adams, George Kaufman, Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker were the stars of this 1927 NBC Red radio network special, one of the earliest Christmas specials ever performed. Unfortunately the principals, lured to the table for an unusual evening gathering by the promise of free drinks and pirogies, appeared unaware they were live and on the air, avoiding witty seasonal banter to concentrate on trashing absent Round Tabler Edna Ferber's latest novel, Mother Knows Best, and complaining, in progressively drunken fashion, about their lack of sex lives. :clap1: Seasonal material of a sort finally appears in the 23rd minute when Dorothy Parker, already on her fifth drink, can be heard to remark, "one more of these and I'll be sliding down Santa's chimney."
(HUZZAH! Kids, go to bed! Your mamma and I want to stay up for a while and listen to the radio alone!)
The feed was cut shortly thereafter.
NBC Red's 1928 holiday special "Christmas with the Fitzgeralds" was similarly unsuccessful.
Hmm, ya think?
The Mercury Theater of the Air Presents the Assassination of Saint Nicholas (1939)
Lots of bad little boys that year
Listeners of radio's Columbia Broadcasting System who tuned in to hear a Christmas Eve rendition of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol were shocked when they heard what appeared to be a newscast from the north pole, reporting that Santa's Workshop had been overrun in a blitzkrieg by Finnish proxies of the Nazi German government. The newscast, a hoax created by 20-something wunderkind Orson Wells as a seasonal allegory about the spread of Fascism in Europe, was so successful that few listeners stayed to listen until the end, when St. Nick emerged from the smoking ruins of his workshop to deliver a rousing call to action against the authoritarian tide and to urge peace on Earth, good will toward men and expound on the joys of a hot cup of Mercury Theater of Air's sponsor Campbell's soup. Instead, tens of thousands of New York City children mobbed the Macy's Department Store on 34th, long presumed to be Santa's New York embassy, and sang Christmas carols in wee, sobbing tones.
And it went something like this:
Santa got run over by a panzer,
Running from the Nazis, Christmas eve,
You might say that Hitler is no danger,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Only a midnight appearance of New York mayor Fiorello LaGuardia in full Santa getup quelled the agitated tykes.
Comparing that image to former Mayor Guliani projecting something sincerely heroic in our age truly does reflect how far our society has progressed, no?
Welles, now a hunted man on the Eastern seaboard, decamped for Hollywood shortly thereafter.
Can you imagine Micheal Moore undertaking the journey to the West almost a century ago and surviving the trip?
Ayn Rand's A Selfish Christmas (1951)
Watch for Ann Coulters upcoming release of: Commie traitors should all die on Christmas on UPN this Christmas.
In this hour-long radio drama, Santa struggles with the increasing demands of providing gifts for millions of spoiled, ungrateful brats across the world, until a single elf, in the engineering department of his workshop, convinces Santa to go on strike. The special ends with the entropic collapse of the civilization of takers and the spectacle of children trudging across the bitterly cold, dark tundra to offer Santa cash for his services, acknowledging at last that his genius makes the gifts -- and therefore Christmas -- possible.Prior to broadcast, Mutual Broadcast System executives raised objections to the radio play, noting that 56 minutes of the hour-long broadcast went to a philosophical manifesto by the elf and of the four remaining minutes, three went to a love scene between Santa and the cold, practical Mrs. Claus that was rendered into radio through the use of grunts and the shattering of several dozen whiskey tumblers. :clap1: In later letters, Rand sneeringly described these executives as "anti-life."
(You mean 'Pro-profits' don't you?)
The Lost Star Trek Christmas Episode: "A Most Illogical Holiday" (1968)
(Im fricking loving it already)
Mr. Spock, with his pointy ears, is hailed as a messiah on a wintry world where elves toil for a mysterious master, revealed to be Santa just prior to the first commercial break. Santa, enraged, kills Ensign Jones and attacks the Enterprise in his sleigh. As Scotty works to keep the power flowing to the shields, Kirk and Bones infiltrate Santa's headquarters. With the help of the comely and lonely Mrs. Claus,
Kirk is led to the heart of the workshop, Santas favorite couch! where he learns the truth She's a MAN, baby! Santa is himself a pawn to a master computer, whose initial program is based on an ancient book of children's Christmas tales. Kirk engages the master computer in a battle of wits, demanding the computer explain how it is physically possible for Santa to deliver gifts to all the children in the universe in a single night. The master computer, confronted with this computational anomaly, self-destructs; Santa, freed from mental enslavement, releases the elves and begins a new, democratic society. As an aside, the Communist Federation would never allow such nonsense from a potential colony with such vast resources... Back on the ship, Bones and Spock bicker about the meaning of Christmas, an argument which ends when Scotty appears on the bridge with egg nog made with Romulan Ale.
Kirk: Bones, You fool! Egg nog is not made with Romulan Ale!
Bones: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a bartender!
Filmed during the series' run, this episode was never shown on network television and was offered in syndication only once, in 1975. Star Trek fans hint the episode was later personally destroyed by Gene Roddenberry. (Noooooooooo! You killed Kenny!)
Rumor suggests Harlan Ellison may have written the original script; asked about the episode at 1978's IgunaCon II science fiction convention, however, Ellison described the episode as "a quiescently glistening cherem of pus."
Undoubtedly referring to Kirks various alien STDs from smutty humanoids.
Bob & Carol & Ted & Santa (1973)
This ABC Christmas special featured Santa as a happy-go-lucky swinger who comically wades into the marital bed of two neurotic 70s couples, and also the music of the Carpenters. It was screened for television critics but shelved by the network when the critics, assembled at ABC's New York offices, rose as one to strangle the producers at the post-viewing interview. Joel Siegel would later write, "When Santa did his striptease for Carol while Karen Carpenter sang 'Top of the World' and peered through an open window,we all looked at each other and knew that we television critics, of all people, had been called upon to defend Western Civilization. We dared not fail."
And thats the real reason why anorexia victim Karen Carpenter was never able to eat again.
Okay, that was in bad taste.
A Muppet Christmas with Zbigniew Brzezinski (1978)
Who the hell???
A year before their rather more successful Christmas pairing with John Denver, the Muppets joined Carter Administration National Security Advisor Brezezinski for an evening of fun, song, and anticommunist rhetoric. While those who remember the show recall the pairing of Brzezinki and Miss Piggy for a duet of "Winter Wonderland" as winsomely enchanting, the scenes where the NSA head explains the true meaning of Christmas to an assemblage of Muppets dressed as Afghan mujahideen was incongruous and disturbing even then. (well sure, it was Carter in the White House...) Washington rumor, unsupported by any Carter administration member, suggests that President Carter had this Christmas special on a repeating loop while he drafted his infamous "Malaise" speech.
(Well that figures.)
The Village People in Can't Stop the Christmas Music -- On Ice! (1980)
For the love of GOD, please stop the Christmas music! Argh, my ears!!!
Undeterred by the miserable flop of the movie Can't Stop the Music!, last place television network NBC aired this special, in which music group the Village People mobilize to save Christmas after Santa Claus (Paul Lynde) experiences a hernia. Thus follows several musical sequences -- on ice! -- where the Village People move Santa's Workshop to Christopher Street, enlist their friends to become elves with an adapted version of their hit "In The Navy," and draft film co-star Bruce Jenner to become the new Santa in a sequence which involves stripping the 1976 gold medal decathlon winner to his shorts, (mind you the Village People are actually all men, flamboyant men if you know what I mean) shaving and oiling his chest, and outfitting him in fur-trimmed red briefs and crimson leathers to a disco version of "Come O Ye Faithful."
Peggy Fleming, Shields and Yarnell and Lorna Luft co-star.
Excuse me for a minute, I really need to take a shower now.
Interestingly, there is no reliable data regarding the ratings for this show, as the Nielsen diaries for this week were accidentally consumed by fire. Show producers estimate that one in ten Americans tuned in to at least part of the show, but more conservative estimates place the audience at no more than two or three percent, tops.
A Canadian Christmas with David Cronenberg (1986)
Faced with Canadian content requirements but no new programming, the Canadian Broadcasting Company turned to Canadian director David Cronenberg, hot off his success with Scanners and The Fly, to fill the seasonal gap. In this 90-minute event, Santa (Michael Ironside) makes an emergency landing in the Northwest Territories, where he is exposed to a previously unknown virus after being attacked by a violent moose. The virus causes Santa to develop both a large, tooth-bearing orifice in his belly and a lustful hunger for human flesh,which he sates by graphically devouring Canadian celebrities Bryan Adams, Dan Ackroyd and Gordie Howe on national television. Music by Neil Young.
Dude, Canadian crap or not, site unseen, is that this movie, ROCKS.!
Noam Chomsky: Deconstructing Christmas (1998)
Pardon me while I blow chunks
This PBS/WGBH special featured linguist and social commentator and scum-sucking communist and Islamic Fundamentalism appeaser Chomsky sitting at a desk, explaining how the development of the commercial Christmas season directly relates to the loss of individual freedoms in the United States and the subjugation of indigenous people in southeast Asia. Despite a rave review by Z magazine, musical guest Zach de la Rocha and the concession of Chomsky to wear a [/B]seasonal hat for a younger demographic appeal, this is known to be the least requested Christmas special ever made.
What was the hat? Surely not a Santa cap!
A crown of thorns?
Christmas with the Nuge (2002)
Originally billed as: Jesus died so we could kill and eat lean and gamey-tasting pretty little birds.
Spurred by the success of The Osbournes on sister network MTV, cable network VH1 contracted zany hard rocker Ted Nugent to help create a "reality" Christmas special. Nugent responded with a special that features the Motor City Madman bowhunting, and then making jerky from, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, Ewww! all specially flown in to Nugent's Michigan compound for the occasion. Rumor has it each bird was immediately impaled on a bloody stake and disembowled with a bowie knife, while 'the Nuge' rips out the birds still beating heart and devours it savagely on live TV. In the second half of the hour-long special, Nugent heckles vegetarian Night Ranger/Damn Yankees bassist Jack Blades into consuming three strips of dove jerky. Fearing the inevitable PETA protest, Dear God run, here comes PETA!and boycotts from Moby and Pam Anderson, VH1 never aired the special, which is available solely by special order at the Nuge Store on TedNugent.com.
And for the first ten callers, you will also receive a stuffed spotted owl that was personally trapped and stripped of edible flesh by the Nuge himself.
Thems it, hope y'all enjoyed the read as much as I did.
I havent posted in some time (moving from Seattle to Portland, taking up helicopter flight lessons, watching in awe as Sir Evil breaks 1K in reputation, etc etc etc..), and Im might sorry about that. In the spirit of the holidays, and some good humor, my meager contribution endeavors to brighten your day during this glorious 2004 holiday season.
Everyone have a happy holiday!
