NewsVine_Mariyam
Diamond Member
Thereās no class in high school on how to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, they teach us the biology of sex, the legality of marriage, and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be.
But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, weāre given no pointersā¦ or worse, weāre given advice columns in womenās magazines.
Yes, itās trial-and-error from the get-go. And if youāre like most people, itās been mostly error.
But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love ā you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing ā and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.
1. The Relationship Scorecard
What It Is: The ākeeping scoreā phenomenon is when someone youāre dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call āthe relationship scorecard,ā where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.
You were an asshole at Cynthiaās 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because thereās not a week that goes by that youāre not reminded of it. But thatās OK, because that time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediately removes her right to get jealous, so itās kind of even, right?
Wrong.
Why Itās Toxic: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. This is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but youāre ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.
If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that theyāre less culpable than the other, rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.
What You Should Do Instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then thatās obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and that now she got sad and ignored you today have nothing to do with each other, so donāt bring it up.
You must recognize that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you donāt accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting them. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago.
Continued here for items 2 to 6:
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/6-toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal
But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, weāre given no pointersā¦ or worse, weāre given advice columns in womenās magazines.
Yes, itās trial-and-error from the get-go. And if youāre like most people, itās been mostly error.
But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love ā you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing ā and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.
1. The Relationship Scorecard
What It Is: The ākeeping scoreā phenomenon is when someone youāre dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call āthe relationship scorecard,ā where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.
You were an asshole at Cynthiaās 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because thereās not a week that goes by that youāre not reminded of it. But thatās OK, because that time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediately removes her right to get jealous, so itās kind of even, right?
Wrong.
Why Itās Toxic: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. This is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but youāre ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.
If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that theyāre less culpable than the other, rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.
What You Should Do Instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then thatās obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and that now she got sad and ignored you today have nothing to do with each other, so donāt bring it up.
You must recognize that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you donāt accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting them. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago.
Continued here for items 2 to 6:
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/6-toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal
