11 days since Greta died...

[Gracie]

I wrestled with whether to get another dog. But I think it would be unfair to Karma and to the dog itself. It is getting harder for me to walk even karma. I like big dogs, but cannot pick them up any more if something happened where they needed to be. Plus, I don't know how long we will be able to live here...and having animals makes it hard to find a place to rent....even with just 2 dogs now and one cat.
But I also kept thinking she would come back...in the body of another dog. Charlie did. As Gracie. Chooch came back too. As Karma, but this time as girls. What if Gracie is out there, new born, and waiting for me to find her?

Oh, I torture myself constantly. I finally decided that I will NOT go looking for another dog. I have to focus on the ones I have. Plus...money is real tight. What if they get sick? Vet bills are horrible. So no...after 5 months of torturing myself...I decided that if I am meant to have another dog...that dog will find ME.

 

[Gracie]

And then tomorrow..I will again think about going to the animal shelter...or look on craigslist for free dogs...and then talk myself out of it again. It's been a daily battle for me for a long time.

 

[Noomi]

My sweet Greta died on January 4. I had to take her to pet emergency because she was having heart failure. She had been on meds for her dilated cardiomyopathy for the past couple months and was doing good...then suddenly, she had the worst attack ever. They tried to save her but said there was nothing more they could do (I wonder about that). I couldn't bear to see her suffer, I couldn't bring her home suffering like that, all she could was try to breath, she wouldn't look at me or anything, just struggle to breath. So I had them put her to sleep...the vet said that's what she would do if it was her dog.

I've been crying ever since, some days all day long to varying degrees. I've lost 7 1/2 pounds. And now I've gotten sick with a bad cold. I read that grieving can weaken the immune system. Actually being sick is good, feeling miserable kind of distracts me from my grief.

Everything seems so meaningless and empty without her. And I have four other dogs and six cats. But she was the light of the world. The soul of our home. It's just a dead place now. I just plod along putting one foot in front of the other. Feeling numb is the best I can feel.

This was a special, special dog. I should say special being, because she wasn't just special among dogs, she was special among all beings.

She was my comfort in life. So how do I find comfort when the comforter in my life is gone?

Greta has made it across the Rainbow Bridge and will enjoy the afterlife with millions of other animals who have crossed over. Take comfort in that.
I am very sorry for your loss, hun. I know what it is like to say goodbye to a beloved furbaby.

 

[percysunshine]

And then tomorrow..I will again think about going to the animal shelter...or look on craigslist for free dogs...and then talk myself out of it again. It's been a daily battle for me for a long time.

Just do it.

 

[Kooshdakhaa]

And then tomorrow..I will again think about going to the animal shelter...or look on craigslist for free dogs...and then talk myself out of it again. It's been a daily battle for me for a long time.

A few days ago I decided to search for Doberman Puppies. I found an ad on Craiglist for a doberman, a male about 10 months old, looking for his forever home. His name is Will. I sent an email to see if he was still available, and they replied that he was still looking for his forever home.

You don't find a lot of dobermans up here in Alaska. I noticed that the ad was placed the day after Greta died, which kind of struck me. I decided to do nothing, with Will's age he's not Greta reincarnate. Like you, I feel like if I'm meant to have a new puppy, they will find me. And hopefully...it will be Greta coming back because she sees I can't live well without her.

 

[Mojo2]

And then tomorrow..I will again think about going to the animal shelter...or look on craigslist for free dogs...and then talk myself out of it again. It's been a daily battle for me for a long time.

A loved one of mine was leaving for work, saw an adolescent cat and decided if it was still hanging around their back door at the end of the work day it would get fed.

It was.

It was.

And they have been fast friends ever since.

Soul mates.

The right cat appeared at the right time to the right person.

Luck?

 

[Claudette]

So sorry for your loss.

Its just the price we pay for having dogs in our lives.

Greta will be in your heart for always.

When the time is right go find another friend to fill in for Greta. Nothing will ever take her place but another friend can fill the void.

Again sorry for your loss its one I've endured many, many times and will continue to endure.

 

[Katzndogz]

My precious Arwen is a vital dog but not in good health. She has a bad heart. Every day with her is precious. If I do not outlive her, I doubt I would get a puppy. I think I would look for a retiree dog, one who knows what it's like to love and lose. They had a home, they were loved, then something terrible happened to them and they live on borrowed time waiting for the final rejection. No one wants you. I think that would be the dog for me.

I adopted a cat like that, ten years old named Princess. Her elderly owner died and this pampered cat was dumped at the pound where cat rescue found her. They thought she was so beautiful (pure white) that surely someone would take her. No one did. Princess was grieving herself to death. I saw her laying in her cage, skin and bones, her mouth opened as she gasped for breath. I knew that she would not live without an owner to love her. I adopted her. It took time but with both Courtney and myself to fuss over her, she began eating. Sometimes I would see her, she would be looking out the window with big fat tears coming from her eyes as she cried for her beloved owner. She was with me for only four years. I know that she and her owner are together now. I'm glad I was able to give her four more years.

 

[Gracie]

IF I decide to go with another dog..I will get a senior dog. Much as I love puppies...I don't know how long I myself will live but I damn sure know it won't be another 14 or 15 years. So...dogs 8 and over, I will consider. And yes..I am still wrestling with it today. I do every day. Should I go look? Should I use my common sense of finances, maybe having to move, falling apart myself? Yes. I shuold use my common sense. But then..I think.......


And I go thru this every. Damn. Day.

 

[Gracie]

Meanwhile..karma is not feeling well. She goes to the vet tomorrow. Since Gracie has died...Karma is with me 24/7. She holds me up. I hold her up. Off to the vet we go.

 

[Gracie]

btw Koosh..it was last month that I stopped marking the calendar every saturday. Gracie died on Saturday, you see. So I was going by week. For 5 months..ever weekend, I would see Gracie Gone on the calendar.

Now I go by the month. The 13th. I put Gracie Gone on the calendar now. Maybe within a few months, I will be able to stop that as well. I don't know why I do it. I just...survive. She is always in my head. Every time I step outside the door to the yard. All her tnnis balls are still where she left them. They will never be moved. When I weedeat out there, I will move it, then put it back. Her toys still in the basket (two).

Do what you need to do to make it one. step. at. a. time.

 

[Kooshdakhaa]

Meanwhile..karma is not feeling well. She goes to the vet tomorrow. Since Gracie has died...Karma is with me 24/7. She holds me up. I hold her up. Off to the vet we go.

My Hannah is of some comfort to me. She needs me, that makes me stronger, at least for the moment. I was crying pretty bad this morning and then I realized that Hannah was laying there trembling. Poor, sweet Hannah. So I stopped crying and comforted her and talked to her until she quit shaking. She misses Greta too, Greta was her pack leader. But I am Hannah's rock, and I can't let her down.

 

[Kooshdakhaa]

Grief does not change you. It reveals you.*

12 days After Greta. I am 7 1/2 pounds down. Now I have caught cold and have been off work for two days now. I usually never call in sick, certainly not just for a cold.

I wonder how the grief will reveal me. Will I like what I find. Do I care. What frightens me is the grief has worsened over time. Become more raw, the veils pulled away. I don't much like life without Greta.


* Quote from the book "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green

 

[Gracie]

I was in your shoes. EXACT same shoes, too. You bet I thought of ..joining her. But..it WILL get better, Koosh. Please please try to hide your grief from hannah. She can read when you are sad. She can feel your pain. She proved that today.

When I had my bouts of crying..and I am not a crier so mine are loud, soul wrenching, and not pleasant....I went out in the shed out back. Or in the front yard. Or I walked to the empty lot two doors down. Karma would get upset if I got upset.

Does hannah know greta is dead? She feels your pain, but does she know why? Karma didn't understand why I left with Gracie...and gracie never came back. I had to wait until I got her ashes..then they sniffed them...and knew. I also told them when I came home the day she died. I was not crying. I got it all out, what I could, in the car on the way home. I came in, told them Gracie Gone. Gracie Gone. Gracie Gone. They didn't understand. They waited by the door...which made me cry some more, but I would go outside away from them before i did.
Once, I held Karma and cried sobbing tears and I told her Gracie Gone. She knew by then because of the ashes.
Since then, and her reaction to my crying...I no longer do it in front of her.

 

[Gracie]

Actually...the last ugly bout of wrenching cry was in the shed. Where the opposums live. I could hear them moving about. It was nighttime. Late. Karma was in the house with Daddy. I sat out there, with Gracies stuffed animal and let loose. And I told the opposums that Gracie, the one that saved their baby, was gone. Dead. And I wanted to die too. Soft whispers of them moving around in their boxes of nests they have out there. Silence. Stars. God hearing me weep. It lasted about an hour. Bad enough to make me physically ill. But once I was done..once I told the opposums...it eased up from then on.

You need to howl your grief. But to the sky, and alone. And when you want to talk about her, we are here for that. Just protect Hannah. Until she knows. I don't think she does yet, does she? She is confused. And scared.

 

[Kooshdakhaa]

Gracie, I think I let Hannah see/sniff the ashes. When I got them home I opened the tin and opened the bag...don't know why, just had to see...and I showed them to Hannah, I think. But she definitely does not know that Greta is dead, because if I say "Where's Greta!!!" she will perk up and bark and look around. God help me, I have done it, too. I don't know why. I just don't want them to forget her.

I have done some howling. In the car alone, coming back home after she was put to sleep. And many more times. The first week I would actually get kind of peaceful after a long, hard bout of crying. But now the grief is more constant.

I think, like Hannah, I expect her to come back. It's finally settling in that she is gone. Really gone.

I took a couple of pictures of her after she died. I know that sounds bizarre, but I knew I would need to see them later. And I look at them and cry and apologize to her because Mom couldn't save her. Mom couldn't help her. And she had always been able to depend on me before. But not this time.

But after seeing Hannah trembling today, I know I have to watch myself around her...just as you would protect a child, I have to protect her.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It helps. I remember when it happened, when Gracie died, I don't think I was much comfort to you then. I'm sorry I couldn't do or say more to help you then.

 

[Gracie]

I never, ever mention Gracies name to the rest of the pack. I want them to forget her and get on with their lives.

You were a help when Gracie died, so no need to apologize. This board was a HUGE help. Funny how everyone bickers and fights and name calls...until a loved one dies. THAT is when you see who truly cares underneath all the bluster. USMB helped me very much. When I was diagnosed with BC, another board was there for me...the members were my lifeline. Because I was diagnosed with it at the same time Gracie started having her seizures. So...between that board (that is connected to this one and I wish they all could get back together in one spot), and this one...and Pinterest...I kept going. But I protect Karma and moki and the cat as much as possible because I don't want them to mourn Gracie. So that name is never said out loud. I whisper it at night when I touch her box when i got to bed. But never where they can hear me. Ever.
I'm so sorry Koosh, but you should never ask where Greta is. It is torture for Hannah and the others.

Speaking of Karma...I took her to the vet today and she had compacted anal glands. She feels much better, got a pedicure, got all her shots updated. And when we got home...I got the shock of my life.

Pretties the cat decided she wanted to play. She always wrestled with Gracie..but Gracie is gone. So...she jumped on Moki who was outside sunning himself in the lounge chair. He yelped, ran to me with her hot on his tail and I said GET THE KITTY!! He looked at me like...wtf? Then it was like a lightbulb went off. He looked at the cat sitting there grinning at him and ZOOOOOOM! He chased her! He never did that before. But he did. Then she turned on him, smacked up upside his nose and chased HIM. And then karma was like....hey! What about me? For the first time..FIRST TIME in 6 months...all three were chasing each other outside. They chased her up the tree. She jumped on them from the tree. She rolled her fat body around Gracies ball and kicked it with her back legs, moki took it from her, karma took it from moki, pretties retook it from karma. I was outside laughing like I have not laughed since Gracie left. It lasted an hour. A whole hour. It was...wonderful.

And this will happen to you as well.

The vet asked me if I was going to get another dog and how was I doing lately. I said I was surviving, but had no plans to get one. I told her I wanted to, but...I don't want to go looking. If I am meant to have one, one will find ME. She nodded then said "sometimes we run across clients that can't keep their dog. We know all your fur kids. If one turns up and I think it is a good match...can I call you?" and I said "of course!".

So that is where I am today. It was a GLORIOUS day. They PLAYED. All together!

I hope yours goes as well as possible, honey. Keep Greta close to your heart because she is there. But let the others forget...and help them do that the best you can.

Hugs

 

[Gracie]

I made this with my paintshop pro. It made me feel sad...but close to Gracie.

I just snagged the pic of Greta. I want to make something for you. I hope you like the intent and it helps soothe you. I will post it here when I am done.

 

[Katzndogz]

I think animals do know when one of the furry family members passes on.

When my son's cat died, he came home from the vet and the ex-feral street cat that adopted him knew immediately. He came in and sat on my son's chest in exactly the same position Irving had. Cesar had never before come into my son's room much less jumped on the bed.

When my old Bubba died, my dog was grief stricken for months. She grew up with that cat, they were best friends. Arwen knew. When Bubba got sick, Arwen was just beside herself. We had to help each other through.

They know. And it hurts.

 

[Mojo2]

I made this with my paintshop pro. It made me feel sad...but close to Gracie.

I just snagged the pic of Greta. I want to make something for you. I hope you like the intent and it helps soothe you. I will post it here when I am done.

It is beautiful and touching.