Toilet Squatting Exercise Class

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Shattered, Apr 25, 2005.

  1. Shattered
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    Shattered Guest

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    My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

    As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat."

    And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go home.

    That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer.
    You check for feet under the stall doors.
    Every one is occupied.

    Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in
    to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants
    and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief.

    Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit
    down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the
    seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register
    an eight on the Richter scale.

    To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew
    your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do.
    You crumble it in the puffiest way possible.
    It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

    Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.

    You get up quickly, but it's too late.
    Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly,
    "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

    And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
    the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket,
    then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

    You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points
    out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on
    your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!

    You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly,
    "Here. You might need this."

    At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
    "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed.

    This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and
    go home.

    This is dedicated to all women everywhere
    who have ever had to deal with a public toilet.

    And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.
     
  2. Joz
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    Joz Senior Member

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    I saw this once before. I've had such a bad 2 weeks I needed something to release the stress. This was it! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I can now see the keyboard. No man will EVER realize just how true and hysterical this is. Thank you, thank you for the laugh.
     
  3. Shattered
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    Shattered Guest

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    :thup:
     
  4. USViking
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    USViking VIP Member

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    Toward the end an employee meeting at a business I worked at the HR Director (a woman) asked all the men to leave, and all the women to remain.

    I naturally assumed the subject the women were to stay for would be sexual harassment defensive strategies, or something such thing.

    Well, the first woman I plied for information afterwards had nothing to say except “Nasty women, nasty women!”

    It was awhile before I got one embarrassed female coworker to fess up. Turns out the women at the place were caught in a cycle of very poor, er…markswomanship, and the situation had become so drastic that it had to be formally addressed by management.

    I have to admit to having felt a certain amount of malicious glee at all this.

    It’s usually men who get the rap for hitting the rim.
     
  5. manu1959
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    manu1959 Left Coast Isolationist

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    we had a group of women at our office the stood on the seat squatted facing the wall holding onto the handicapped grab bars and let rip

    piss everywhere.........
     
  6. fuzzykitten99
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    fuzzykitten99 Senior Member

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    this paranoia about germs has gotta stop. its anti-bacterial this, and 99.999% effective germ killing that. yes, basic cleanliness is essential, but this anti-bacterial phase has bred a new line of obsessive-compulsive people, so in fear of getting germs from anywhere, they end up getting sick more often, because they refuse to expose themselves to every day germs, their body doesn't recognize them, and doesn't know how to fight them. then when they do get sick, they are put on anti-biotics, which kill the good bacteria in your body, as well as the bad. it takes your intestines about 11 months to fully recover from one round antibiotics, and get back to normal.

    your bodies are equipped with the best immune systems so far in the human race. don't worry if you run out of hand sanitizer before you eat your lunch. my husband works in road construction, which usually runs about a 10-12 hour day, with little or no time to stop to even eat. you think he washes his hands thoroughly before he eats his lunch (which is usually while driving to the next jobsite)? Nope. He has gotten sick maybe 4 times ALL TOGETHER in the last 7 years.
     
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  7. dilloduck
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    dilloduck Diamond Member

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    :clap: :clap: :clap: SO TRUE !
     
  8. fuzzykitten99
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    fuzzykitten99 Senior Member

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    oh, i forgot to add...did you know that most anti-bacterial agents in soaps and other cleaners, are actually small amounts of pesticides?

    My son's pediatrician (as well as other sources) advised to not wash his bottles and baby stuff in soap that contains "anti-bacterial" anywhere on the label. this is because the pesticide residue attaches itself to plastic, and can make the baby sick.

    the only anti-bacterial thing i have in the house is rubbing alcohol and peroxide. i don't even get the swiffer cleaner with the anti-bacterial agents in it. why the hell do you need to sterilize your floor? do you not own a table and chairs? or are you afraid that your dog might get sick from eating a piece of dropped food? that's the only reason i can come up with that you need to worry about germs on a floor you walk on most likely with shoes that have more bacteria on the bottoms than a dollar bill, but even that would be stupid, because dogs lick themselves to clean up.
     
  9. manu1959
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    manu1959 Left Coast Isolationist

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    i live by the 5 second rule
     
  10. Joz
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    Joz Senior Member

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    I think there was a reason this was put in humor.

    That aside, I think some really good points have been made. The soap use especially. I use soap, plain soap, which is getting quite difficult to find. And I get frustrated trying to buy a bar of soap rather than something in a bottle. Sure it's cool to try, but for me that's about it.

    As far as the toilet, care needs to be taken. Urine is pure. People have been advised to drink their own when stranded in a desert. Feces is a whole problem in itself. A minute amount on the toilet seat or paper, can cause a world of hurt.
     

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