The Hell Top Beast, Pt. 1

[Lord Long Rod]

It was late Sunday night, after midnight; so, early Monday morning. I had been boozing it up pretty good all night. Fortunately, the cocaine kept my mind sharp. I was enjoying a nice smoke, a Cohiba habano, I picked last week when I was in Havana on business. It tasted excellent! I was also on my iPhone checking my stocks in the Asian markets. Oh, and I was also banging this brown Asian chick I met a couple hours ago at a gas station, pumping her doggy style on my iguana skin sofa.



It was at this time that my Bigfoot hunting partner, Graveyard Tom, called me. I answered. Tom said, “Hey, Rod. What’s up?” I said, “Aww, not much, buddy. Just checking my stocks while enjoying a Cuban. You know. Oh, and I am pumping this brown chick. I am fucking the shit out of her!! Her uterus is going to be DESTROYED when I am done with her!!!” Tom responded, “Umm hmmm … Well look, I just got a Sasquatch report.” This got my attention.



It seems that no less than an hour prior to Graveyard Tom calling me, the old widow Elvira, who lives up on Hell Top Mountain, was attacked and eaten alive by a big ass Bigfoot! Tom heard the chatter on his police scanner. Only, they do not say “Bigfoot”. They speak in code, referring to the creature as a n****r over the airwaves.



Apparently, what happened was that this particular Bigfoot busted into Elvira’s house, grabbed her, ripped her head off, then had sex with the neck hole before eating her. Real gruesome shit. Of course, our local PD won’t do anything. See, old Elvira was a witch. I am not talking about Wicca either. That crazy old bitch was was Satan’s bride. Everybody was scared of her. The police are probably glad she is gone. Rumor has it she is a widow because she threw her mortal husband on the Weber then ate him.



Once I was finished with the Asian chick I grabbed my load-out gear and we hit the road to meet up with Tom. I took along Kim Dong Ho, figuring we could use her as Bigfoot bait. See, my gig is to kill one of these monsters and then sell it to China for a huge payout. The way I understand it, the Chinese want a Bigfoot body for experimentation purposes so they can develop a way to enhance the taste of their Sesame Chicken sauce. It’s probably just a bullshit cover story, but I don’t give a shit. I need some money so I can fix my old black Bandit Trans Am and get it back on the road.



We arrived at the rendezvous at 5:15 am Monday morning. Tom told me that I looked like shit. Then he asked why the Asian chick was with me. I told him, causing him to wince. See, old Graveyard Tom is not nearly as cool as his name implies. He is a God-fearing Protestant working man with a family, while I am none of those things. But we work well together because he does not cause me any problems and I am able to do things his morality and upbringing will not allow him to do. When you are hunting Sasquatch you need every edge you can get.



Old Tom got into my Hummer and the 3 of us took off toward Elvira’s homestead. Tom was still cringing over using the Asian chick as bait, but he knew there was no talking me out of it. I tried to convince Tom to let the chick blow him on the ride up to Hell Top so he could relax, but he refused. So I yanked her upfront with us and had her blow ME while I drove. This distressed Tom, so he looked away and sang Bible hymns, which I later drowned out with my moans of carnal satisfaction.



Upon arrival at Elvira’s old run-down shack I took the Asian chick and tied her to a tree. Then we examined the home. There was no yellow tape or anything else to suggest that the police had even been there, save for the recent tire tracks we both noticed. There was a huge hole in the front of the house that was obviously caused by the beast.



We both looked at the huge, gaping opening. Tom asked me if I noticed anything strange about the hole in the house. I said, “It opens outwardly. That is not how the Sasquatch entered the house. It exited the house through this opening.” Tom agreed.



We entered the home. We searched every nook and cranny. Nothing eluded our acute observation. There was a bunch of spooky satanic and witchcraft shit. But there were other things too. For example, there was dark brown animal hair everywhere, especially on the floor. But there was no evidence of any pets. She had a very ornate bedroom that centered focus upon her bed. But her bed was merely an old smelly mattress laying on the floor. And the place smelled really bad, especially the bedroom. It smelled like a mix of Arby’s roast beef and a yeast infection. It was such a horrible smell that both Tom and I were starting to heave when we decided to go back outside.



Once we got some fresh air in our lungs we walked over to my Hummer and leaned up against it. Old Tom got himself a chaw of tobacco in his cheek. I casually pulled out my coke bag and did 3 lines on the hood of the Hummer. Then we shared our thoughts on what we just saw. I went first.



“That damn witch was fucking that Sasquatch”, I said. Tom responded, “WHAT?!?”, he asked, his voice shrouded in shock and disbelief. I continued. “Think about it, Tom. All that hair everywhere. The bed. All the dried jizz stains on the wall… Elvira was engaging in some beastly love with that mangy critter. The Bigfoot was her boyfriend”, I said. My logic was unassailable. Tom had to concede.



Then Tom asked me why the Bigfoot would have killed her. I responded, “I am glad you asked. See, you would think that a big old mangy Sasquatch would have a huge wang, right? It would probably tear up a normal sized woman like Elvira and put her in the ER. But it did not. Therefore, it is fair to assume that the beast had a little dick.”



I was on fire!! My spot-on analysis was impeccable. Tom’s jaw had hit the ground from the truth I was hitting him with. I continued.



“So, like with any relationship between male and female, at some point the chick is going to get all hormonal and start bitching at her mate. It’s natural. But that damn Bigfoot is not used to being spoke to that way. So he went ape-shit”, I said.



Tom responded, “But Rod, what does that have to do with the monster’s little dick?” I told Tom, “I’m glad you asked!”



I continued, saying “See, we know that witch was going to turn into a bitch at some point in the relationship. They all do. So when she did, the obvious target for her to attack is the Bigfoot’s dick size. I can hear her now. Can’t you? ‘Oh, you are just a smelly ape with a little dick. Blah, blah, blah.’ She probably drove the Sasquatch into a towering, animalistic rage, causing it to rip her head off, rape the corpse, then eat her. After that, he angrily knocked out a huge hole in the front of the house and stormed off.”



BAM! Mystery solved. Tom took off his fedora and scratched his head. Then he said, “Well, hell, Rod. Maybe you are right. I just figured she let it inside through the back door thinking it was Satan’s spawn or some stupid shit.”



Tom knew I was right, and now there is a pissed off booger stalking our woods. We had to act fast before it walks up on an unsuspecting hunter or farmer and rips their heads off. I told Tom to grab his shit while I fetched the little ching-chong for bait. But that turned out to be a bad idea.



When saw the mess it stopped me in my tracks. I had walked over to the tree where I tied her up. There lay her body, head ripped off and neck hole desecrated. Holy shit! We did not even hear the attack!!



I called to Tom over my shoulder, “Hey, Tom! You in the mood for some chopped suey? Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Because I got some for you over here!!!” Tom was not amused when he saw the bloody mess. He said, “How the fuck did it do … THIS … without us hearing it?!?” I knew Tom was serious because he was swearing. I said, “I don’t know, dude. But I’m figuring we better back the fuck out of here and regroup before we end up like the former cum dumpster there.”



Tom agreed and we high-tailed it out of there. Neither of us said anything on the drive back to Tom’s truck at the rendezvous. Even when we got there the two of us sat in silence for the moment. Of course, I wanted to get out of there and go get some breakfast. But I stayed silent out of respect for Tom’s delicate sensibilities. Then about 30 seconds later I said, “Goddamn, Tom, I’m hungry! Let’s go get some breakfast!” Tom opened the Hummer door without saying a word and puked on the ground. I’m thinking, “Fuck. I’m hungry too. Now I got to deal with Tom”.



Old Tom was pretty shaken, so I drove him home, telling him we would retrieve his truck later. After I dropped him off I went through the drive-thru window at McDonald’s and got 2 sausage, egg, and cheese biscuits and a coke.



By now it was going on 9:00 am, the time of my next court-ordered AA meeting. So I scarfed down my food and drink on the drive over there. “Poor Tom”, I was thinking. He wants to hunt Bigfoot but he is just a big, fat pussy.



As I was sitting through the stupid fucking AA meeting I resolved to go after this Bigfoot on my own. Fuck Tom and his pussified tendencies. I can handle that motherfucker myself. It would not be the first time. Hell, back in 2003 I took out a 10’ tall Sasquatch with my bare hands. I choked out that sumbitch! I had that motherfucker!! But it was too big to haul out of the woods. I had to go back to my truck for my chainsaw so I could cut it up into pieces. But when I returned the damn beast was gone!! I knew I had killed it. I believe some of its kin retrieved the corpse, then took it off somewhere to bury it, or fuck it.



During a break in the stupid AA meeting I poured the contents of my flask, Kentucky sipping whiskey, into the empty McDonald’s cup I had with me. While sipping on the said sweet Appalachian Mountain nectar. I made some notes for the upcoming hunt. In the end I decided to bring in a couple of heavy hitters I know, just to ensure a successful mission. Why be careless?



The first dude is an acquaintance of mine named Murder. We met in a Columbian prison where I had been sent to get rid of me after I had been double crossed by some local middlemen. Murder was in prison too and awaiting execution, for trying to execute a contract to whack a certain someone in local politics. We broke out of there together during a prison riot, then blended in with some swarthy migrants headed to the American border.



The second guy is named Blood Rag. He’s a mute. The Asian gang he was in cut out his tongue for fucking the gang leader’s wife. Apparently, he excelled in tonguing twats. When I met him he was delivering packages for Amazon. He’s a real stud, and a pussy magnet. He just cannot work the old oral magic he once could. I met him when he delivered my set of bamboo napkin holders. He silently strolled up behind me in my driveway while I was dismembering a problem in the back of my pickup truck. Blood Rag saw what I was doing and got me to stop. Being Asian, he then pulled out some fancy Ginsu knives and made short work of it. What would have taken me an hour only took him 5 minutes!! We quickly became good friends.



The AA faggot caught a whiff of my whiskey and said something to me about it, which unfortunately caused me to stomp the shit out of him. As everybody was running off and crying for help I said to myself, “Fuck this shit. I got more important shit going on.”



I left the building and set off to find Murder and Blood Rag. Then we are going back to Hell Top to murder that Sasquatch.



End of Part 1